resting in my weaknesses...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I had an epiphane yesterday when I read this verse. I had read it several times before but it was different this time, like I was reading it for the very first time and it's meaning was made clear to me. Supernaturally; it was a divine imparting of wisdom. See, when I am weak my God's strength takes over. So often I live out of the feeling that I have to be strong, that I have to appear to have it all together. The problem with that is that it doesn't leave any room, any opportunity to show himself to me, to prove himself. Now, he doesn't need to prove himself but I need him to. This verse gives me permission to be weak, permission to rest in my weakness because resting in my weakness means resting in his strength. "I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses." I have this image of someone (me) standing on a roof yelling out, I am afraid of rejection! I struggle with identity issues! I put my self-worth in other people! And then I picture God bending down low opening his hands and scooping them (me) up and just letting them (me) rest there while he pours grace and love and value over them (me). It was exactly what I needed to hear and believe in. God's just freaking beautiful, eh?

humans, machines and maintenance engineers

So, I just watched The Five People You Meet in Heaven, based on Mitch Albom's follow-up book to Tuesdays With Morrie which was also made into a movie, although I haven't seen that one. It was a good movie, one of those that you can kind of settle into like a good book. One that means something to you, might even force you to think about your life a little bit. Here are a few of my own reflections on the movie.

"Strangers are just family you haven't yet come to know," one of the characters says in the film.

And I thought, you know, what if we really lived that way? Like strangers were family members we haven't met yet? Jesus lived that way and are we not called to be like him? The woman at the well. The disciples. The lady who just barely touched his robe. Those he healed. Dismas, the man on the cross to his right, the one who went to be with Jesus in Paradise that day. All were strangers that he came to know and loved them from the beginning. He loved them and touched them and changed their lives forever. What if we loved people from the start. We always seem to wait until we get to know someone, or until there's trust established in a relationship, before we say we love them. But did Jesus do that? No, I don't think he did. Now, I do realize that in romantic situations there should be a level of trust established before readily admitting that you love someone but on the spiritual level, I believe we are to love with the love of Jesus, to see people through the cross and not through the blind eyes of this world.

"That's the thing about sacrifice... What if whenever you feel like you've lost something, you've really just passed it on?" Eddie's army captain says.

Do I live like I am leaving something valuable behind and what is it that I am leaving behind? Is it something that those who come after me will cherish and remember me fondly for? Or will it be a sore spot, scar tissue if you will, when they are reminded of my legacy? When I sacrifice do I feel like I have lost something? Or do I trust that the transfer was made, that the baton was passed, in this relay race? I give of my time and effort, I give my heart. What is my attitude in sacrificing those things? Is it for the glory of the Lord, or is it to be recognized?

One of my favorite parts was at the end and Ruby, the narrator, says something like "It's most often the simple things you do in life, the everyday things that help people most. Not the grand acts associated with honor and glory."

See, Eddie is the maintenance engineer at Ruby Pier, an amusement park, and all the little things he does: tightening screws, oiling parts, checking brakes, making sure things run smoothly, etc... are all things that have have saved the lives of many people. Without him doing those things terrible accidents could have and would have happened. Machines break down. There's wear and tear that takes place. At the end of the movie all the people he has effected by doing these things are there at the amusement park, with their children, and their children's children, etc... Not only has he saved the 1st generation people but he has indirectly impacted those that came after them. It's at this point, when he sees all those people and he realizes that they are there for him, that he realizes that he's not a nobody, that he's not a loser, and that he's made a difference in many lives - and even lives to come. What we do behind the scenes, the simple everyday things we do, can have the biggest impact on people around us and we may not even realize it. Little things like: smiling at someone; sitting and talking to someone who wants or needs to have their voice heard; going beneath the surface with people in our lives; giving up a seat on the train; hugging a hurting friend; leaving a little extra tip even though the waitress may not "deserve" it from a "business" stand point but on a personal (looking at them as a person and not from the point of view that they are a robot there to serve you and do whatever you wish) stand point they very much deserve it; hailing a taxi and then giving it to someone else; going out of your way to open a door or perform some other senseless act of beauty; all of these have the possibility of impacting lives beneath the surface in ways we cannot even hope to see. Humans, like machines and amusement park rides, break down. There's wear and tear that takes place from the stresses and burdens of everyday life. We need maintenance engineers in our lives to prevent us from breaking beyond the point of no return. We need our screws tightened (is my head on straight?), our joints oiled (with a little TLC), our brakes checked (am I a run-away train heading for disaster?), and someone to make sure our rides are running smoothly (have I hit a bump that has caused a little internal damage that I need to look deeper at?).

Erwin Raphaeil McManus writes in Seizing Your Divine Moment: "A life touched by God, always ends in touching others."

Am I making family out of strangers? Am I doing little things everyday to touch someone's life without benefiting from it myself? What am I leaving behind? What kind of sacrifice am I making?

I suggest you watch this movie.

the unrepentable sin...

I am working on a project for Biblical Ethics class on suicide, which I will be presenting to the class next week as part of a panel. I thought I would do a little survey and find out what you all think about this. If a Christian commits suicide does he go to Heaven or Hell? What do you think just from your beliefs and convictions (without doing research or looking at the Internet)? Leave your thoughts in the comments section or send me an email.

some photo albums...

Even though I was sick for most of my break, I did manage to get out and do a few things. Here are a few photo albums from my Christmas break. Click on the photos below to be taken to another page where it will automatically cycle through all the pictures in that album. Enjoy.







And here are some "extra" pics that I didn't get into albums.

my cousins, Brian, Drew, and Josh...


and a close-up...


my Aunt Hope (my mom's identical twin sister) and Uncle Larry...


my cousin Drew's wife, Luvy, and my cousin Josh's wife, Angie, holding their kids, Aria and Caleb...


and my Uncle Larry lookin' like he's all that (which, by the way, is totally his personality too)...


and a couple days before I left Kansas City to come back to Alaska, Nida and I met up with Stephanie, an old fellow Shawnee Mission South Raider who we hadn't seen since sophomore year of high school

green lumpy places...

Have you ever read something and had it just kind of hit you hard in the heart? Like it was written about you in a way? Or like the author had been following you around taking notes on your life without you knowing it? That's how I feel after reading Blue Like Jazz.

So much of what Donald Miller wrote resonated in a place deep within me. He challenged me, convicted me, inspired me, touched me, moved me. A lot of what he wrote opened my eyes to my own faith and now I am discontent with where I am.

I suppose if I were to be completely honest I would have to say that I need to make some changes. A. Lot. Of. Changes.

Mostly the book just made me sad. He talks about Jesus in a way that makes me think He's so real for him. I wish I had that. I mean, I know Jesus is real in my head you know. But I gotta believe it, experience that in my heart to make it true/authentic for me. I can't really explain it. It's not that I don't have a relationship with him because I do. I just... Oh, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. It's a little melancholia and lots of introspection.

He made me want to go to Portland and visit Imago Dei, his church. He made me want to go buy a homeless man a hamburger and have a conversation with him. He made me want to walk down the streets of downtown Anchorage stopping to have meaningful conversations with people along the way. He made me want to go live in the woods with hippies. He made me want to love the unloved. He made me want to go to Reed College. He made me want to set up a confession booth. He made me want to tithe. He made me want to love people through the eyes of Christ, to see them through the Cross.

When he wrote about being alone, it terrified me. It scared me because I could see a little of myself in that. He tells the story of an astronaut who has this suit that represses his need for food and water, keeping him alive. There's an accident and the astronaut is launched into space to orbit the earth. Everyone thinks the guy dies but he doesn't. No one comes to look for him. And so he orbits the earth, alive because of his self-sustaining space suit, for 53 years slowly going insane. And then he dies. "...this story is how he imagines hell, a place where a person is completely alone, without others and without God," he writes of the stories creator. On the next page he writes, "Stacy had delivers as accurate a description of a hell as could be calculated. And what is sad, what is very sad, is that we are proud people, and because we have sensitive egos and so many of us live our lives in front of our televisions, not having to deal with real people who might hurt us or offend us, we float along on our couches like astronauts moving aimlessly through the Milky Way, hardly interacting with other human beings at all." Those words got to me because I tend to be a "lonely" individual. I am introverted. I have my friends that I talk to and beyond that I don't talk much. This story convicted me because I realized that God made me for community. Authentic community. Not only that but I am to help create it, implement it. I have the perfect opportunity for this at school right now but I tend to be in my room reading or doing homework or watching movies when I could be building community with someone.

This morning I did have an awesome, authentic experience with Blassi, our student president. He's 24 going on 44 in some ways because he has been through so much already. We were supposed to have a S.A.L.T. meeting and only he and I showed up. So we spent the time talking, for 2 1/2 solid hours. It was wonderful. I got to know him more than I had all semester. He's a fierce man of God, with steady faith. I told him at the end, before praying for him, that I was so proud of him for beating the odds and for getting where he is today. I am so proud to call him, "Friend."

I need to have more experiences like that though, you know. I think this book lit a fire under my butt in so many ways. I just hope this feeling sticks with me and doesn't burn off with time.

I think this is my favorite line in the entire book: "...dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something... is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition." There are so many great insights in this book, it's hard to pick just one. There's another one in the chapter on change: "Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be and not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be... Do you know what I am talking about, about the green lumpy places?"

Little audible gasps could be heard in my room as I read this because it was like he was shining a light into the cave of my soul. All the little hidden things in there were being brought out into the light. Things that were hidden even from me. Cathartic. Expect changes in me.

eruptions of worship...

How many of you can say that you danced for Audio Adrenaline? Last night some of us had the opportunity to go see Audio Adrenaline in concert and it was an incredible worship experience! Highlights: during Big House, Mark Stuart came out into the audience walking on the chairs in the high school auditorium, then he went to an old guy in the audience, made him stand on his chair, and the old guy proceeded to finish the song and did quite well actually - he knew all the words and even sang on key; they did DC-10 which rocked the house, they hadn't done that song for 2 years; Hands and Feet provided an excellent opportunity to worship God and re-establish my deep desire to be his hands; Get Down, he lifts me up I get down, he lifts me up... - need I say more? Really I enjoyed their entire set but during King I wanted to get as close to the ground as possible and put my face to it. However many hands lifted high in worship, all of us worshipping the same Almighty God, singing together in unison with the same objective. They all spoke of how awed they are by the intense beauty of Alaska. None of them had been here before and they were all just totally awestruck. After the concert, I stood in line forever to meet them and have them sign a magazine article I have about their work in Haiti - it was the only thing I had. We had an ACC group picture taken with them and talked to them for quite a while after everyone else had been through the line. We fellowshipped together and we even got to perform some native dances for them. (Yes, I have been learning native dancing.) They kept saying, "Do one more! Do one more!" And one of them even tried to join in on the last one learning the steps and the hand movements. It was cool! I got to embrace a couple of them as their manager was shuffling them off to the Green Room (Their food, by the way, was catered by our campus chef who is amazing! We are so blessed to have him!). It was a fun night, and to think that I almost decided not to go!



This morning at about 5:15 Augustine volcano erupted shooting ash plumes 20k feet into the air. The plume is currently moving north and east; the volcano is located south and west of us and the plume is moving right towards us. The alert for the volcano has been changed to RED, the highest level, and the AVO is expecting an eruption like the ones in 1976 and 1986. I have never been around volcanoes or anything even remotely similar.

These events have made me think about how truly awesome God is, you know? He designed this world and created it knowing things like this could happen. He knew that we would try to understand these things, figure them out, and study them. I wonder, though, if he knew we might try to understand them and study them more than we seek to understand him and study him. Then I started thinking about Isaiah 55:12 "For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." Maybe the mountain had built up all this praise and couldn't contain it any longer and was breaking forth into shouts of joy before the Lord. What would it be like if I built up my praise until it was "pressurized" and then just blew it all over the sky, shooting acclamations 20k+ feet into the air? Do I do that? Or do I send up little bits of praise continuously? Maybe I need to be more like the mountain in some respect - feeling so unbelievably blessed that I just spew out into the Heavens my thankfulness, adoration, and praise for the one who created me, provides for me my every need and so much more, helps me, comforts me, awes me, loves me, disciplines me, reveals himself to me, pursues me. I definitely think I should continuously praise God, the Triune, in little bursts of joy but I also think he longs for me to just erupt with unadulterated levels of worship-magma in his direction.

the year in review:2005

January: celebrated New Year's at the "Osterhouse"; moved out of my own place in Lawrence, KS back to Mission, KS and in with my friend Cindy; started a new job as an Office Manager for a consulting firm on the Plaza; gave away my black lab Coal to a teenage boy who works at the vet and lives on a farm; began at least once monthly, usually more often than that, lunches with Jon; ran into my ex named Kendall at Time Warner; watched the Super Bowl at Woody's; started meeting with a new small group that was short-lived but the women were still fabulous; wrote my first Journey piece; saw my friends Michele and Dale off to South Carolina

February: went on my first ever business trip; had a bunch of car problems; spent an entire weekend (day and night) with my friend Elizabeth; had dinner with ex named Kendall who wanted to start something again but I refused him - the dinner provided good closure; went to Kirksville, home of Truman State University, with my friend Heather to visit her parents for a weekend; found a band-aid in my food (I actually had to spit it out of my mouth) at Outback Steakhouse and vowed never to eat there again; went to an Oscar Party

March: celebrated St. Patty's Day; celebrated my cousin Ali's 16th birthday; realized that 10-year reunion was just a few months away and started a weight-loss program, promptly failed miserably, and gave up; my friend sent me flowers on the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death; spent a great day with my friend Lydia visiting the arboretum and eating sushi

April: saw Nida's mom and stepdad off to D.C.; went to a bonfire with Anand and got lost on the way; dressed like a hippie and went to a 70s party out at Bret McClure's place where I ran into a couple guys from high school - Nick and PJ; ran into a few other guys from high school - Rod and Jim and Rob - at Fuel and thus our little "clique" of many years ago was somewhat re-formed; sand volleyball season started; went to Springfield for the weekend with my friend Mikki to see her boyfriend's band play; took my cousin Ali to see Mercy Me in concert, possibly the greatest concert/worship experience I have ever been to

May: started a blog; found out I have PolyCystic Ovarian Disease and may not be able to have children of my own; participated in the Amazing Race in Kansas City; got a love note from my friend Nida; on Friday the 13th had an egg fall from a tree and miss my nose by 1/2 an inch; tried to convince a guy his name was Dave when it was actually Steve; went on an all-girl retreat with the Gathering; participated in a corporate fast for the Gathering and then broke it altogether at Olive Garden; bid my good friend Anand off to be a F.O.C.U.S. missionary; started a coed book group reading Captivating; received public praise from my boss; fell in love with the movie Horse Whisperer all over again; went to Juyapalooza Part Deux

June: had an alarm clock fall on my head; had a crazy man get out of his car (that also contained a doberman) and stomp over to my window and proceed to yell at me while flailing about; had dinner at Tasso's with a fabulous group of people and even saw a belly dancer; saw Footloose live; celebrated my sister Lisa's, Moose's, Deanna's, Michele's, Ryan's birthdays and my sister's, my aunt and uncle's, my grandparents anniversaries; saw the movie Crash and LOVED it; wrote about my mom on what would have been her birthday; pondered what it would be like to be such good friends with God that he has a nickname for me; said goodbye to a newfound friend as SpankinHankins moved to Springfield; turned 28 and had the best party ever; looked into attending Forerunner School of Ministry which is connected to IHOP and God slammed that door in my face; became engaged

July: went to First Fridays in the art district in KC; saw War of the Worlds and thought If not for Dakota Fanning this movie woulda been a waste; discovered the Jesus that rides a Harley through Jeff over at SoIGo; discovered frills and the art of feminine dressing; was awed by a fantastic fireworks display put on by God; prayed for the people in London-town; revisited 1995 in many ways; attended 10-year high school reunion; discovered just how strange my friend Jon Pruitt is when he declared to me he daydreams about getting mugged at gunpoint; decided to move out of Cindy's place and in with Nida; wasted words and compared a boy to gatorade; started reading Wild at Heart and Walk On: The Spiritual Journey of U2; ate with my hands when my friend Anand made me a traditional Indian meal

August: became increasingly dissatisfied with my life; went to Manhattan for an extended weekend at my dad's new lake house - only I worked all weekend; made a compilation cd of all my favorite songs from commercials; welcomed my nephew into the world; said goodbye to all my friends and family as I made the impromptu move to Alaska to begin a new life; bought Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway cd

September: settled into classes at ACC and began adjusting to community life and living with much younger people; wondered about the difference of being saved from something and being saved to something; took lots of pictures of this beautiful place I live in; had a bonfire on the beach; did the Polar Plunge; was accused of being too white

October: published my testimony on my blog; was chosen to go to Fall Blast in Koyuk, AK (up by Nome) where many incredible things happened and met God in many unbelievable ways; realized that for the first time I am not doing things for the approval of others but for the approval of God; discovered Veronica's; had the most amazing worship experience in the backseat of an old van to the sound of Shawn McDonald; was elected to serve the students as a member of S.A.L.T.; became perfectly flawed; went to Anchorage for the weekend with Jesse

November: went to Homer, AK - a little fishing village - and fell absolutely in love with it; saw The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and decided I am going to have to read the 4-part trilogy; started and finished reading The Magician's Nephew and The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe; realized that I am no better than Lot's wife - I am just a pile of salt for all the "looking back" I've been doing; discovered that in a plane crash landing in water all you need to do is just loosen your shirt a little; was given an Eskimo name - Iirpak, meaning Big Eyes; had an incredible date with Jesus on the day after Thanksgiving; had much to be thankful for; spent Thanksgiving weekend in a beautiful setting

December: participated in Schnupps week - an intensive counseling clinic; said goodbye to a fellow-student; studied mad hard for finals and had it pay off in the end with all As; slacked on blogging; went home for break; got sick; went to Cali for Christmas and New Years; got sick and went to the ER; missed my ACC friends immensely; saw old friends, met new ones; spent time with family; saw The Chronicles of Narnia; got to hang with my cousins; celebrated my friend Peggy's engagement; had dinner with 9 of the best girlfriends currently in my life

return to home from home...

I am back in Alaska after 3 weeks away. I went home for Christmas to the Kansas City area and to California to see family for Christmas. I was anxious to get home and see everyone because I missed them all so much. But by Saturday night I was excited to be getting back here because I missed everyone so much! How blessed I am that I have two different places that I can genuinely call home, eh?

I promise to return to regular postings - will try to post again today if I have time - but just wanted you all to know that I missed you all too. I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs too so I will have to get caught up on that. I've missed reading your posts you guys! I will have some pictures to post as well.

Highlights of my trip were seeing family and friends again, seeing all my adorable nieces and nephews, visiting family in Cali, a trip to the ER, getting caught up, dinner Saturday night January 7th at Cheesecake Factory with 9 of my favorite girls, spending time at my dad's lake house, meeting my friend Stephanie for the first time since choir sophomore year of high school... And my absolute favorite: Friday January 6th I was leaving my sister Traci's house after eating dinner and one of my nieces, Hannah who is 2 1/2 I think, comes rushing out of the house crying, "Don't leave yet Aunt Christmas! Don't leave yet Aunt Christmas!" with her arms raised up to me. How precious that was for me and how hard it was for me to leave her that night. I miss all my nieces and nephews sooooooo much, it breaks my heart! Actually I miss all my family and friends and love them all so much but those little ones - man, there's just something that gets me in the heart, ya know?

Stay tuned!
Love,
Aunt Christmas