some things i've been digesting today...

By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the Land. Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah - from the Lord out of the heavens. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities - and also the vegetation in the land. But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. (Genesis 19:23-26.)

I am 28 years old. In the 28 years I have breathed the air I have faced hardships and endured sufferings. My past is a past full of shame, full of pain, full of anger, bitterness, and trials. Trials of all kinds: of the heart, of faith, of life in general. Like Lot's wife I so often find myself turning around and looking back on what lies behind me. Chaos. Despair. Anguish. Desperation. Insecurity. Grief. Deep heartache. Longing. SIN! Mere survival. I focus on what I've been through and from where I've come instead of where I am headed and instead of focusing on the Promise I've been given. I should be a pile of salt, so big it would remind you of the columns found in old Roman architecture.

This promise I have been given is so much greater than the sum of all the pain of my past. Why do I not ALWAYS see the value in it, in my future? Why do I get so hung up on past hurts that I can't see the healing? Why do I focus on the wounding and on the injury rather than on the surgery that the Great Physician has performed on my life? When will I realize that there is nothing for me back there but just ugly reminders of an even uglier past?

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ACC's Board has been on campus this week and has board meetings all weekend. They have worshipped with us and we have taken communion together. It's been a wonderful week just getting to know the 20 or so people that serve on our school's board. All very wonderful people! Just today one of them was sharing about a man that robbed a bank for $6000. He went to jail or had some other fateful demise but the gun he used to rob the bank went to a museum. It had been made in 1918 and was a very rare weapon and was now worth $100k. How ironic, eh? He unfortunately did not see the value of what he already had in his possession and instead sought elsewhere to fill a need and in return what he got was far less valuable. And such is the way of the human condition.

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At the end of the movie The Notebook, Ryan Gosling's character Noah and Rachel McAdam's character Allie, are talking about their relationship.

Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'!
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Noah is talking about marriage and how you can't be afraid to draw out of the other their faults and push their buttons a little bit, to force them to press into things that might be a little difficult at first but that will produce growth in them more than anything else. Not only do you grow each other but you love each other even in those "pain-in-the-ass" moments.

It occurred to me that of course marriage was and is God's idea. He created it as a model of Christ's relationship with the church. Just like Noah, Christ is not afraid of bringing out those things in us that require our attention. He's willing to say those things knowing that we have the option of walking away from him. But why would we? He loves us even in the moments when we're being difficult and if we let him he will show us when those moments are.

I read an excerpt from Sacred Marriage, a book by Gary L. Thomas, and in it he poses the question, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" I think it is designed to make us holy and face the "bitter juice" as Gary calls it. We have to own up to our disappointments and ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness and a marriage relationship can help us do that, just as Christ helps us in the same way.

Now, I am not married, so I have no inside scoop, so to speak, on what it's like to be married. I just found the excerpt that I read insightful and kind of fitting with the few lines from the movie. I want to be married one day and know that it won't be easy. It will be hard work, there will be tough times and at some point one or both of us will want out. But I also know that the commitment of staying together will be worth it in the end. I have my mom and dad's relationship, and then my dad's relationship with my stepmother, as a physical model of this. There have indeed been trials in both relationships but all agreed to see it through and they're stronger for it.

There have been and are and will continue to be trials in my relationship with my Groom. There have been times when I wanted to walk away and throw my hands in the air in frustration. But I haven't. And I have come out stronger. Thank you Jesus for loving me that much! I love you too!