a new beauty...

I am home. I landed in Kansas City yesterday afternoon and it was 70 degrees outside. My poppa met me at the airport with a full white beard, looking like Santa. It was so wonderful to see him. We went straight to Chipotle, how I have missed Chipotle, and we sat outside and ate and watched the shoppers at Legends Shopping Center. Then we met up with my sisters and I saw all seven of my nieces and nephews. Two of them don't remember me and it makes me so sad. But it was such a joy to see and play with the rest of them. One of them, Hannah Grace, called me "Aunt Christmas" last year when I was home. It was so precious. She is beautiful. They are all beautiful. It was such a perfect day. We then met up with my friend Heather and she and I went to my aunt's house for the night. I was overwhelmed with the city. It was as if I was seeing it all for the first time. It was beautiful. A beauty I haven't seen before.

I was pretty exhausted and sick, having been up for about 36 hours so we called it an early night. I tried to go to sleep at 9:30 but then it occurred to me how long it had been since I had heard trains. I used to sleep right through them. They kept me awake for a bit but I finally slept. And then I awoke when my fever broke at 11:30. The trains were still clickety-clacking and choo-chooing. I got back to sleep a while later and slept through the night. My aunt had set out breakfast for us and it was wonderful. Heather and I went to church at my home church, Heartland Community Church. I hadn't told many people so it was wonderful to see the surprised looks on some faces. A friend, Chad Rader, said, "Wow! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes!" It was so good to be back there, among friends. I have missed it. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until today. I do. I miss it so much. It makes me ache a little. Or a lot.

Heather and I grabbed a quick lunch and then drove to Kirksville, MO; it's about 3 hours northeast of Kansas City. I was about to comment on how beautiful the drive was when she said, "This drive is so ugly and boring." When I lived here I thought the same thing. But now? Now that I have been gone for so long I have a new appreciation for everything. There's a new beauty that I am seeing. It's odd too, in a way. Everywhere that I have been to since I have been home has looked exactly the same as when I left. It's so strange. I have changed so much since I have been gone and for some reason I expected home to change too. But it hasn't. Sure, the people have but the city is the same. Does that make sense? I was so shocked by it. It's all so beautiful. Now I have an idea of what my friend Amy has been talking about all the times she's said that it's so beautiful here. I never believed her. Until now.

Something just occurred to me... and maybe this is sad. Or maybe it's not, I don't know. But it took me leaving to make me want to stay.

stripping...

"Lord, strip this world from me. Let the only weight be your glory upon me, your glory upon me... Let your love be the only stronghold over me, the only stronghold over me." This is my prayer right now. God's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Or maybe the devil's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Three people have made hurtful comments to me in the last couple weeks regarding something about which I am already sensitive. I feel a little like I have been demoralized, like Satan has figured out who, or what, it is that I fear I am the most and set about to confirm that in me. Does that make sense? It's like he knows those things about which I am most insecure and has been working overtime to make sure that I take those things and own them for myself.

The good thing about this is that I am realizing that while peoples' comments do hurt I have not been living in them or dwelling on them like I used to. I am becoming a little more like Lucia in Max Lucado's You are Special. The grey dots and gold stars are sticking less and less often. God is teaching me the special language of living in his abundance. He's teaching me that I am his favorite, that he didn't create me to reject me, that I have his full attention. He's captivated by me. And he's teaching me that it doesn't bring glory to him when I turn away from his opinion of me and that's what I have been doing. He has prosperity for me - prosperity of heart and mind - and he wants to give it to me by me accepting that I am who he says I am. As long as I turn away from that and don't choose to fully accept that I am who he says I am, I experience poverty of spirit.

There's so much I want to say right now but I think I need to sort it all out. This is good for now. God is changing me in very real, almost tangible ways. God is so good. And he is stripping me of this world.

what's next...

Earlier this week I said I would have at least one new post up this weekend. And here it is. It's not the one that I was working on because, well... because I am still working on it and because I am lazy at this particular moment and because... just because.

I was emailing a friend back who had asked me where I am at right now, how I am feeling, what's next after this year, and for prayer requests. To make it easy, I thought I would just post this for everyone that way you can pray for me too and know what's up in my life. So here goes...

Isn't it cool how the end result can make all the work leading up to it so worth
it in the end? It's amazing how things work out that way - work can actually be
rewarding when you can see a specific end in sight and it's the end that you
wanted to come to all along. Love it!

I can relate to you feeling like
you don't know what you're doing and relying on God. That's a little bit where I
am right now. I know this school year still has 6 months or so left in it and
the task of figuring out what to do afterward is looming. At the beginning of
this semester I wasn't too worried about it because I had plenty of time. But
lately, the last few weeks, I have really started to process and become
increasingly overwhelmed with this idea that I don't know what lies beyond the
middle of May. It's a little scary. I have all kinds of ideas about what I want
to do - all very different from each other - and am just up in the air about
which one's right for me right now. For instance I really want to continue my
education and get my 4-year degree from a 4-year Christian school. I want to
design my own major in Christian Leadership or major in Christian counseling.
Where I am now doesn't offer 4-year degrees, so do I leave a community I love to
go to school somewhere else? If so, where? I would love to be on staff here at
Alaska Christian College. There's a possibility of a position coming open here
that I am well-qualified for and have even filled in when others have been on
vacation. My only hesitation is that it's completely a raise-your-own-support
position. I know that, like you said, the effort put forth would be worth it in
the end but is it the right choice? I would also love to break into the
non-profit industry somehow. Or even start a new one myself. I would also love
to do ministry here in Alaska. There's such a need for revival here that it's
almost palpable. The people here are hungry for something and most have lived
without hope their whole lives. I would love to help bring about a revival in
this land. I would like to see more of an Emergent movement take place here in
Alaska. There's a lack of "church for the unchurched" type churches here in
Alaska, and yet, I feel that's the type of church that would be the most
beneficial and reap the most rewards in terms of furthering the Kingdom.
Basically, I find that there are two common themes in what I want to do: 1:
advocating on behalf of the oppressed, being a voice for the voiceless, and
offering hope to the hopeless and 2: impacting others for the Kingdom.

Now with all that said, I don't really feel that it's a matter of what
God's will is for me. I think he doesn't really have individual, specific wills
for each of us. While following God's will is, no doubt, the most important
thing, I also feel that God has given us a moral will (set out for us in the
Bible) for us to follow but beyond that I think his will is for us to actively
love him and pursue relationship with him. He leaves the rest of it up to us. I
once had a pastor that told me, Love God and do what you want. It resonated with
me. If you love God actively and whole-heartedly, you're likely not going to
intentionally do something outside his moral will. He's given us free will to do
what we want within his moral will. Does that make sense? I hope so. So I
strongly feel like whichever path I choose I will be within his will.

Prayer requests? Gosh, that's a good question - and an important one. I
guess I would say 1: pray that doors would opened that would guide to a decision
that's right for me; 2: pray that no matter which path I choose that it would be
a place where God is already working and I would join in work with him there; 3:
and this one is a little selfish and VERY honest so consider yourself warned,
but for a husband, someone to love, someone to argue with, someone to go through
all of the ups and downs with, someone to witness my life and for me to witness
their's, someone with whom I CAN (physically) live without but choose not to
live without, just someone to worship with and love God with. 4: for endurance
for these last 2 weeks of classes before break; and 5: that my break will be
rewarding, refreshing, and rejuvenating enough to carry me through next
semester.

So, yeah, this got a little long. Hopefully you made it this
far. I so appreciate your prayers and that we've been able to keep in contact
with each other since our blogs "met" over a year ago. Your prayers have been a
blessing, as well as your writing. Thank you.

I best get to doing some
homework.

Shalom, CJ

ya gheli du?

That is Athabascan for, "Is it good with you?" I hope so. It is with me. For the most part. Thanksgiving was fantastic. I was able to get away from people for a few days while I was housesitting and that was a very welcome change. I spent Thanksgiving Day among friends who have become stranger (that is, even more strange than before) and strangers who have become friends. I did have my feelings hurt badly by a boy who is no older than 8 years old. And then I started to think about what the boy must be facing in his own life that would allow for him to say such a hurtful thing to someone whom he had never before met. And it broke my heart.

There was some sad news this weekend too. One of my friends, Millie, was set to be married in February to the father of her little girl. She has been busy making wedding plans and designing invitations and everything that goes along with it. Her fiance was found frozen on Sunday morning in a village way up north. I have not heard the details surrounding his death but I do know that his death is a tragedy and a mystery. He had been with her just the night before taking her on the back of his snowmobile from Noorvik to Kotzebue, about a 2 hour trip. Something devastating had to happen between that time and the time that he died. Just pray for her and his family. His name is Joe.

I saw a movie Friday night with my friend Jeff. Deja vu is a great movie and here is just a little piece of trivia for you: there is an ambulance in the movie and on the front of it where the license plate should be there is one of those dealer advertising tags, you know what I am talking about? Well, it is from Olathe Ford. Olathe, KS is a suburb of Kansas City; it neighbors with Overland Park, which is where I moved from to Alaska. It's an action-packed movie - a little sci-fi, a little thriller, a little crime, etc... It was kinda scary too, what they were "playing" with in the movie. See it and you'll know what I'm talking about.

I am working on a couple other posts, one of which I hope to have up by this weekend.

thanksgiving...

Tomorrow is a day set aside each year for thanksgiving to God for the blessings in life that he has given unto us. I just wanted to take a minute and list only some of the things for which I am thankful:

• friends - you are the family that I get to choose. I love you all, including my blog friends whom I have never met in person.
• family - you are the friends that I don't get to choose. I miss my family immensely. I love you!
• faith - it's not just believing in God, it's believing God (what he says, etc...); believing that he is who he says he is, he can do what he says he can do, I am who he says I am, that I can do all things through Christ, and that his Word is alive and active in me. I'm believing God!
• memories - one in particular that I have been thinking about recently... My mom passed away in March of 2000. I remember a very specific group of special friends that gathered around me during that time to comfort and support me. I asked them to come to the hospital, about 15 of them I think, to be with me before she died and by the time they got there she had passed. Their presence there was so comforting for me. I will never forget you guys.
• dreams - two of which I am living out every day (living in Alaska and going to Bible school).a warm place to stay this weekend - I am housesitting for some friends until Sunday. And they have a yellow lab named Sunshine.
• for rest. Do I really have to elaborate on that?
• for the Sabbath - rest for the soul and an opportunity to grow in intimacy with God.
• for opportunities to serve others and in doing so, serve the Lord.
• for love.

I could seriously go on and on and on with this for a long time. But those are the most important things to me right now.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, old friends and new, family or not. I love you. I will not be on again until Sunday.

casting stones...

Chapter 8 of the biblical book of John tells a story of a woman, a prostitute to be specific, who was brought before the crowd to be judged. The Pharisees looked at Jesus and told him that the law demands that they stone such a woman and asked him what his thoughts were on the matter. I love what he had to say, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." He exhibited the ultimate in love and compassion toward the woman. Everyone standing around her already with stones in their hands, dropped the stones they were holding and began to walk away leaving Jesus alone with the woman. When all the others had left, Jesus spoke tenderly to her and told her that since no one else condemned her neither would he. And he commanded her to leave her life of sin.

This is the biblical model of grace that we should be following. But instead we are so quick to judge with our stones built of accusations and harsh words clutched firmly between our fingers ready to be cast. We stand gathered around the accused in a throng of pious and proud law followers trying desperately to hide the indiscretions we ourselves committed not hours before. We cling to the comfort of the crowd believing that there's strength in numbers. We say to each other that we can't believe how far the person fell from grace and we would never be able to do such terrible things.

And then we are called out either by Jesus himself or by someone who has decided to advocate on behalf of the accused and give voice to the voiceless. We are reminded that we will be judged the same amount that we have judged others and the measure we give out is the measure we ourselves will receive. And we remember that grace has no boundaries. It is infinite and unconditional and perfect. And really the person has fallen to grace and not away from it. We are the ones who have fallen away from grace and tried to define it and put boundaries around it. And who are we to do that? Who are we period?

One of my favorite authors, Donald Miller, says in his book Blue Like Jazz that we are all capable of committing the sins that we self-righteously claim we could never possibly have the ability to commit: murder, adultery, etc... You know, the "big" sins. But really sin is sin is sin. A lie is just as bad as murder and stealing is just as bad as sexual immorality. Billy Graham even said, "Everyone has a little Watergate in him."

I am so tired of hearing people, those who call themselves Christians, casting verbal stones at those who have fallen off the spiritual pedestals that we ourselves put them on and into the darkness of the abyss below, those who seem to have proven their humanity in what we think are the "worst" ways. I agree that we are to hate the sin and love the sinner, but how is judging them loving them? It isn't. Instead of casting stones what we should be doing is putting an arm around our fellow brother (or sister) and saying, "Jesus has not condemned you and you know what? Neither do I. Come with me and tell me how I can pray for you. Tell me how I can best love you where you are and love you past the pain of where you are and into the light again." If it were you, what would you prefer?

nightmares...

I have had some pretty scary dreams lately. I have had 3 dreams since the start of the semester in which I was possessed. The first one was the scariest and I had it once before - during Spring semester. In my dream I was staying the night at my dad's house back in Kansas. In the dream I was possessed and was being levitated off the bed and was hovering up near the ceiling looking down. There was lightning in the room and all kinds of loud noise. The next morning, in my dream, my dad asked if I was okay the night before. I guess I didn't remember because I said that I was. He told me that he heard me yelling, "I will worship your principalities and bow to you, the Prince of Darkness," and that kind of stuff. It must have been a Sunday in my dream because we went to church after that. The church in my dream was in a mall for some reason. And I was sitting in the front row. The pastor started talking about something and I started cackling and was levitated again and floated out into the mall and was swooping down and picking up children and dropping them over the 2nd floor railing and was laughing the whole time. Then I woke up. Like I said, I have had that one twice and woke up at the same time both times. There was another one, the one I had last night, in which I was killing children. I don't remember all the details but just that I was killing them.

I have prayed for God to protect my dreams and to protect my mind while I sleep and have had others pray the same thing for me while laying hands on me. I am really scared about all of this. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I am seriously scared. I can't even put it into words accurately, how scared I am. Please pray for me.

a butterfly emerging...

I was watching Lost the other day (because it's what I do lately) - a disc from the first season - and something in the show spoke to me. John Locke was explaining something to Charlie Pace in the show. Charlie was trying to detox from drugs and had given them to John to hold. John told Charlie that if he asked him for them 3 times that he would give them back to him, but only after the third time. I think it was after the second time Charlie asked him for the drugs when John imparted some words of wisdom to him. They were standing in the jungle and there was a coccoon. John pointed to it and pointed out the whole at the top of the coccoon. He explained that the moth inside was about to emerge and he was furiously working to find his way out of the cocoon. John continued that he could help the moth get free by ripping open the coccoon and set the insect free. The moth would fly for a while but it wouldn't be strong enough to make it. It would soon get weary and die. Charlie walks away without his drugs for the second time.

That illustration really resonated with me. Sometimes we wonder why we struggle so furiously and for so long on some things while our struggles with other things come and go quickly. We are a lot like moths - I like butterflies better because they're prettier (even though moths are supposedly stronger). We are stuck inside these coccoons that we have built for ourselves trying to work our way out of them. In much the same way as a marathon runner trains, our working our way out is also training. If a runner tried for a marathon too soon, they would be too weak to make it and would not be able to finish the race (that in itself is a spiritual analogy). If God simply ripped open the coccoon, or took us away from struggle before we were ready, we would not be ready to face the world. We would be faced with things that we would not be strong enough to take on. So as much as it pains him to see us wrestle and struggle and hurt, he knows it's for our own good. He knows we have to figure some things out on our own, and wrestle and fight through the mess of coccoon that's keeping us back from flying free. He knows that in time we will be a butterfly emerging and break through the barrier and we will fly. And we will be strong. And we will live.

my life lately...

Since my last post:

• My belt is one notch tighter. That's two whole notches since before school started.My dad celebrated 55 years this last Tuesday. Happy birthday Poppa! I love you soooo very much!
• I studied madly for a midterm only to discover that it was being postponed for two weeks.
• I am taking on a new role here at Alaska Christian College. Every weekday at noon someone shares their story or testimony with the group and then we pray for that person. I decided that on the days that no one is signed up I want to share the world's "story," or current events to keep everyone current on what's happening outside our somewhat sheltered community. And what better way for me to feel like I am actively doing something about this world for which I am burdened than to increase awareness and then to pray? I do my first one this Tuesday. Pray for me.
• I was able to share my heart with a couple people who aren't believers this last week. Both are people that had previously told me that they didn't want to hear about my faith or beliefs. And both later came and asked me questions about it.
• I bought a purity ring for a girl here on campus and gathered her closest friends around and actually planned a ceremony for her when I gave it to her. It was one of the coolest things I have ever done in my entire life. Afterwards, we all layed hands on her and prayed for her and for her future husband and family.
• A week ago yesterday, I let someone I had been out with several times kiss me for the first time. On the beach. Under a clear sky full of a trillion stars and a visible Milky Way.
• I told the same man last Tuesday that I couldn't see him anymore. If I wouldn't want my best friend to date him, why would I date him? And he had completely led me to believe that he was someone that he's not. I hate it when they do that. Better now than later when I would have been more emotionally invested.I have doubted my own judgment. I thought I knew him well enough to know his character and then was completely horrified to discover what was underneath the biblical wisdom, the theological and intellectual conversations, and him making me feel like the only girl in the world. He was not at all the person I thought he was, and what does that say about my judgment of character? Were there other signs that should have clued me in? What if my, for lack of a better word, "bullshit detector" (sorry Poppa) is permanently faulty? Will I be able to get my money back?
• On the flip side of that though I have also recognized the growth in my life in this area. Five years ago, being the lost girl that I was, I would have put up with it and justified his actions. To realize that I am not her anymore, and, more importantly, that I am me and who I am is a fantastic and liberating feeling.
• I laughed until I had a headache last night with Aune and Louisa at Veronica's. They are both so very good for my soul. It had been so long since I had laughed that much. And today... my sides hurt.
• I have watched the entire first season of Lost on dvd and have started the second season.
• I have missed, and still miss, my best friend Nida so much that it aches. I haven't seen her since Christmas or talked to her for a month and even that was strained. I miss the relationship that we had when we lived close to each other. She now lives in New Orleans.
• I talked to my sister Lisa and my niece Anevay on the phone the other day. It only made me miss home even more, especially when Anevay told me that she loves me and misses me.
• I took a friend to the airport. He's left for Iraq for 18 months. Pray for Cameron.
• I painted nails and watched and enjoyed a Strawberry Shortcake movie and then a Barbie movie with my little friend Megan on Thursday night. In a way this helped me rediscover the little girl in me. Not only the little girl, but the "girly-girl," the very feminine girl who is begging for the world to notice her and tell her that she's captivating.
• I walked down to the river yesterday with a friend from whom I had been feeling somewhat disconnected. We had real conversation and I discovered some things about her that I hadn't known before. It reinforced for me how much we all need prayer and to feel loved and like we belong.

I could go on and on but these are just a few morsels, only a taste, of my life recently. Most of them are wrapped up in who I am in Christ and speak about where I am on this great big journey.

refining and affirming...

One of the reasons I haven't been posting lately is because I have had a general feeling of unworthiness. Unworthy to be in Alaska doing what I am doing; unworthy at writing about Christian spirituality because, after all, I am no theologian; and unworthy to lead. I have been struggling a lot lately with what I am going to do after this year and it's still 7 months away yet. I want to continue my education and design my own major in Christian Leadership but I also feel called to do ministry whether it's here at Alaska Christian College or somewhere else in Alaska or somewhere else entirely. I feel as though God has gifted me with a burden for the oppressed. I want to advocate on behalf of the broken, to give a voice to the voiceless. I read about one.org or other similar social justice campaigns and it makes me want to quit everything I am doing and just go help them. I strongly feel that it's for a reason that I have such a burden. Not everyone would be willing, nor feel called, to go whereever that endeavor might take them.

On the flip side of this, I have also been struggling recently with my attitude. I don't feel as though my attitude always matches the burden of my heart. In other words, my pride largely gets in the way of the love that I am burdened to show to people. This realization has just absolutely gripped me over the last couple days and has brutally held me captive. I found myself absolutely wrecked last night because of this. There's a small group of us here on campus that do Bible study and prayer and accountability together and when we met last night I had them pray over me. And even as I said these words I hesitated because I know the importance of what I was saying: "Pray that God would break me. Pray that he would humble me and smash my pride." And the first evidence of that came rolling down my face in seemingly endless liquid form. Their prayers for me went up to heaven and they gave me words of encouragement, along the lines of It takes humility to realize this about yourself, let alone admit it and ask God to fix it. I wasn't completely convinced though I was slightly less hard on myself.

Last night I went to talk to one of my RAs, with whom I have had a fairly hard time getting along. Neither of us knows what it is about the other that sets us off but we have had a couple run-ins, nothing too major. And I always try to go back and talk with her once we've walked away and tried to gain some clarity on things. Anyhow, I went to her and told her what I had been feeling and asked her to help keep me accountable on having a humble spirit and being broken in general. She was floored that I even thought to ask her and when I explained to her that I never thought of anyone else she was even more shocked. I went to her because I knew she wouldn't be afraid to hurt my feelings and I think that, in a way, is what I need right now - not hurt feelings necessarily, but just someone that won't hesitate to hold that mirror up to me when I need it. I am closer to some of the other RAs and because of that I knew they would be more hesitant to approach me or hold the flame to me, or the mirror to me, whatever you want to call it (I have heard it called so many different things). I have asked one in particular to do this for me before and she hasn't quite fulfilled what I was looking for. And I knew that this RA still loved me but didn't have as much to risk, if that makes any sense.

So she said that she would be glad to help me in this. And I reiterated to her my feelings of unworthiness and how much I desired my attitude to more closely match the attitude of Jesus. And told me that when we've gone on service projects she has seen just the opposite in me - she has seen that I do mostly convey the love and spirit of Jesus to those we are serving at the time. And I can see some of that myself but I want that heart and that spirit all of the time - not just when I am serving. I have this bitterness that seems to have taken up residence in me. A lot of the times it hides away in its room somewhere but every once in a while it comes out. I hate that part of myself. It's ugly. It's cancerous. And this is the part of me that I want God to burn out of me with his Refiner's Fire. I can be so loving and so other-focused one day and then walk away and feel like a complete fake or phony because I remember how I reacted the day before to someone else. And I will feel like everything I just did for someone else is cancelled out or worthless. She prayed over me again for the fire to come and burn out all the ugliness and bitterness that still has hold of me. We both cried a little and then went to bed.

Today I went to serve at a high security prison here in town. There was a team of us that went to do a chapel service for the inmates. I remember as we approached the prison in the van, as everyone else was talking about how nervous and scared they were, I was completely calm. I wasn't scared or nervous. I knew what I was there to do and that was to convey God's perfect beautiful unconditional love for all of us. The chapel service went so smoothly. Afterwards we met with the chaplain in a conference room for a debriefing session. I sat across the table from him and the RA that I had talked to last night sat to my left. The chaplain looked across the table directly at me and said, "Christina, you're feeling unworthy to do what you've been called to do. You don't need to feel unworthy because you are worthy. You have a calling to serve and you're fulfilling a special purpose and God will use you. Don't ever forget that." I had never had a conversation with this man and here he was speaking directly to a struggle that I had been having. I looked at my RA and she looked at me and we both knew that it was God. I nearly cried. He had no idea that what he had just said meant so much to me. That was powerful affirmation to me. Even as I write this it's absolutely so amazing to me how God uses strangers to speak powerful truths into our lives when we least expect it. It was incredible. I had heard of God working like that in other peoples' lives but not really my own. So yet again, this Mysterious and Magnificent God is finding new ways to reveal himself to me, to speak to me, to love me, to blow me away. And tonight my heart is less proud and more humble, less hard and more broken, less stone and more flesh. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

I just ask that you all join me in prayer about this. I ask you all to be accountability partners with me on this. I urge you to ask me how I am doing on this. I want you to ask me. I need you to ask me. Not only for my sake but for the sake of the voiceless, the oppressed, the needy, the lost. You're all beautifully and intentionally created. And I love you.

feeling october...

I was on retreat this last weekend in Big Lake, AK. I wrote this Saturday night as I was sitting outside under a ceiling of bright blue, looking out across the perfectly still lake at a backdrop of gorgeous orange and yellow trees against mountains capped with snow. I was writing this and my friend walked by and told me how beautiful I was at that moment and I truly felt it's truth in that moment. It was glorious and it inspired this.

it's all around me now
autumn surrounds me.
the trees are tired and give up their leaves
and drop them into the past
knowing they wouldn't last.
they wouldn't survive what's coming.
so in moments, luminous and stunning
i watch them fall
in shades of red and orange, green and gold;
vibrant glimpses of seasons past
now in graceful heaps, colorful and bold.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i bring to you my own leaves,
leaves of red and orange, green and gold
boasting, "aren't they beautiful? aren't they bold?"
and with that, there comes a wind
and i am met with season's end.
i am left naked, humbled, and numb.
it serves as a reminder to me
that only from you all good things come.
and i hear someone tell me i'm still beautiful
and i feel its truth sink in.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i breathe you in and i breathe me out
as another part of me's exhaled.
and just like the seasons
i have not changed, but i am changing.
as a little more of me each day is paled
and a little more of the color of you begins to take its place.
i look within and see the many ways that i am blessed
and that only in you, my weary soul finds rest.
i feel the subtle shift as my ugly nakedness
is replaced with the hues of your exquisite grace.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

read my label...

I am sure you've all read the Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that I've had in my Profile section since the beginning of this blog: "Who am I? Whoever I am, you know me, O God; you know I am your's." The full meaning of this quote hit me today and it means even more to me now than it did before.

So today I was sitting here at the computer, filling out yet another one of those survey type things, and something hit me. None of this matters! It doesn't matter what I ate last, said last, who I hugged last. It doesn't matter how many friends I have on MySpace or how many people read this blog. It doesn't matter that I can't eat anything without dropping or dribbling something on my shirt (it's almost inevitable). It doesn't matter that I am caucasian. It doesn't matter even that I am a Christian or that I am female. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go to school. It doesn't matter what music I love or that I love to read and write. What does matter is that I am God's. All the other things are just labels that everyone else has just put on me. The only label I want is the one that God gave me. And it says, Warning: Property of God! All that other stuff is irrelevant.

hi...

Allow me to introduce myself in case some of you have forgotten who I am. I am CJ and yeah, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I have been busy living life and having it more abundant. I've survived the stomach flu and a sinus infection. I've gotten my hair chopped off. I have bangs now. I haven't had bangs for probably 15 years - at least. There's just a few side-swept bangs. It's cute. Thinking about going shorter though. I will post a current picture as soon as I can get one taken (will be soon). I've reconnected with old friends and made new ones. Said goodbye to a friend last week. He was here volunteering on campus and his time here was done. I've started my Public Relations job and I love it so far. And I love my boss. She's the coolest. I have been able to keep up with all of my homework while working 20 hours/week. I have read a lot. I have watched a couple movies. The girls and I had a slumber party here on campus. I have made plans to go out for sushi tomorrow night. I am housesitting again. I have journaled. I have returned to junior high and made a bunch of those collages using photos and cutouts from magazines. I could go on but this is good for now.

I have a post in the works that I hopefully will get up soon. Just wanted you all to know that I am actually alive. I've missed you guys.

light in a darkened world...

Today was a good day. It was long and exhausting and hard work, but ah... it was so good.

I worked at a soup kitchen today called Bean's Cafe in downtown Anchorage, Alaska. And I had such a good time. I got there at 9am and at breakfast and then just helped out where they needed me. I helped make lunch: soup, moose stroganoff, salad, bread, and dessert. We had the classic rock blaring as we worked. We sang. We danced. We goofed around. We had fun together. And as good as things are, more importantly, we served. We loved the poor and needy. We treated them like they should be treated everyday: as the intentional creations of God that they are.

It was so wonderful for me to just sit and eat and talk to some of them and hear their stories, where they've been, what they've experienced in life. It is true that I gave them something that to them is beyond valuable - my time, my ears, my love. But it is also true that they gave me something also - the reminder that we are God's plan to bring light into a darkened world, the reminder that they are the reason that the God of the universe became flesh and died on a cross so that they could live forever with him in Heaven one day, the reminder that all of God's people are beautiful, and the reminder that even though I might think it sometimes (and it sickens me to even think of admitting this) I am not better off than they are, nor am I better than them on any level. What they gave me is far greater in value than what I gave them.

Having served in soup kitchen's or homeless shelters a few years back, I had forgotten what it felt like to go and be a light where life's storms had clouded out the sun. It felt so good. It still does. I hope to join them again on Thanksgiving Day with some friends of mine.

Other things I did today included:

• learning that I can still, after several years of not trying, do a perfect one-handed cartwheel
• hanging out with some cool kids at Birchwood Community Christian School
• watching a sunrise that was painted with colors of a cowboy cliche while listening to John Mayer sing about sunrises painted in the colors of cowboy cliches in his song "3x5"
• Eskimo dancingcalling a friend just to say, "I love you."
• getting caught up on some much-needed blog-reading time
• soaking in the love of Christ through fully receiving the love of others
• feeling, and even leaning into, some of the pain of the surgery I mentioned in the blogpost immediately previous to this one
• loving all my blog friends from afar
  

pray for me as i undergo surgery...

So yeah, God is showing me things about myself again. I actually asked him tonight to do surgery on me, specifically in the area of how I relate to him. And yeah, that was kinda scary. I have had actual surgery once. Five years ago, on my knee. And that was incredibly painful. This surgery I am talking about now is spiritual surgery - on my heart. Open heart surgery if you will.

I haven't been relating to God in healthy ways. While my picture of him has healed significantly over the last year, he brought it to my attention tonight that there's more to do. And there's not just a simple quick-fix for the problem either. It's going to be painful. And it will require perseverance on my part, following the Doctor's orders explicitly, doing all the rehab necessary, etc... In a way I am kinda excited about it.

In other news, I started the Believing God study by Beth Moore today with my friend and mentor Debbie, the wife of the president of the college. We watched a 50-minute video for the first session and already I am blown away by the profundity of what I learned and what I have yet to learn. She was talking about the promised land and what that looks life for us today and on earth. My promised land, and your's too, is a place where my theology meets my reality. They aren't separate. But I so often live like they are separate, like I am just waiting or passing time until I get to the Promised Land. So another prayer of mine this year would be that my theology and my reality begin to coalesce.

I bought myself a blue bracelet today. And now you're thinking, "Why is that blog-worthy?" And now I will tell you why. In Numbers 15, the Israelites are instructed to wear tassels on their garments with blue cords attached to each tassel to remind them of God's commands and to obey them and they will be consecrated. And elsewhere in the Bible it says that it shall be written on the right hand: "I am the Lord." So Debbie and I are combining the two passages and wearing blue bracelets on our right hands to remind us that He is God, that He is the Lord. We talked about doing just blue cords since that's what they wore on their tassels; but I wanted something a little more wearable, a little more feminine.

And yet another prayer of mine this year is that God would transform my noun belief into a verb of believing. I want to be active in believing in God and not just have a belief in him. Does that make sense? Most of all I really pray that this study would have deep effects in my spiritual walk that would send earthquakes throughout every aspect of my life.

There was a whole gammut of emotions that I went through today. And currently, I am content and at peace. Full of hope that God's promises and his Word will become real to me this year in never-before-seen ways. Full of life. Full of love.

monkeys and bait...

Yesterday I went hiking with 4 friends. We were crammed into Madame Blueberry, the little blue Neon, enjoying the blue skies and mountains around us. We were laughing hard. Then Cheryl out of nowhere says, quite randomly, "Sometimes I feel like a monkey, because those are the times that I don't think at all." Even more raucous laughter ensued. Later, while we were hiking she said, "I feel like bait," because there had been bear sightings just prior to our arrival and she was berry picking. I love that girl so much! Without her, my life would be much more dull.

I promise to return to more regularly scheduled programming very soon. Life has been so full for me lately that I haven't had time to update regularly. I need to settle into my new schedule/routine.

a very good year...

Okay. My little break is over. But boy was it ever grand! Even more grand though is all the possibilities and promise that lie in the year ahead.

All the students came back last Thursday. It was so good to meet the new people and see the returning students again. I missed them so much. Already this year feels so much more different than last year. It's a difference that's palpable. I know I am going to love this coming year and this coming year is going to love me.

I am taking Art Appreciation. It's taking the place of Peace Studies, a Philosophy 300 level class that was cancelled due to lack of interest. We met for the first time tonight and I went in excited and I came out intimidated. I thought it was going to be mostly art theory and history. And it is that. But we will also be actually doing art. And that terrifies me. I was so close to walking out within the first 15 minutes after learning that we would actually be doing art. But a small part of me said "Stay. Learn. Stretch. Grow." And for once in my life the small part of me won over. I am actually a little bit looking forward to the class now. It's already changed my perspectives on some things, and that's only after a 2 hour lecture. And I am taking Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling and Film as Literature (aka Film Noir). These 3 classes I am taking at Kenai Peninsula College - a branch of University of Alaska-Anchorage. And I am taking Ministry Practicum here at Alaska Christian College. I am really looking forward to the lighter 12-hour load this semester compared to Spring's heavy 21 credits.

I have a new job. As of today I am the new Community Relations Assistant at Kenai Peninsula College. It's 20 hours/week and I think it will be an awesome opportunity to learn new skills and get connected to my new community outside of Alaska Christian College.

This year I plan to:

• have more fun than I did last year. I was so focused on studying and getting good grades and being on the SALT team that I missed out on a lot of fun stuff. This year will be different. It's okay to play. I have to remember that.
• focus more on relationships. The biggest thing that I missed out on last year was people and relationships. I want my relationships with people to be my most treasured possessions. Already the dynamic between others and me is different - in a very good, rich, and rewarding way.
• maybe even get in a little bit of trouble. Not big trouble Poppa, don't worry! But if I get written up for sneaking off campus to go to Sal's with the girls after lockup then that's one more memory that I will have made and who knows how many friendships solidified. Last year I was too legalistic. I was appalled at even the idea of breaking the rules.
• start tithing on a regular and consistent basis. It is something I have heard about my whole life but recently it seems like it's being driven in, you know? I have lived so selfishly in the past and that part of me is ugly like a cancer.
• become more of an artist - in the visual arts form. I have always been fairly self-conscious about my artistic abilities (my sister Lisa took the limelight in this area). In a way, I have been neglecting the artist that truly does live inside of me. We're all artists.
• live deeply and love well and live well and love deeply. 'nough said.
• continue to travel into uncharted territory in my relationship with my Lover, my Creator, and my Saviour.

Yes. It's going to be a very good year.

the whole of me...

Queasy from the rocking of the boat I get up from my perch on the bough and hang my head over the rail. I feel the wind of traveling at 16 nauts braise my skin. It will be chafed tomorrow with windburn but for now I don't care. It feels good and seems to blow the nausea right out of me. The blue-green of the ocean below stares back mockingly. Just beneath the surface I can see translucent blobs of jellyfish float past. Up ahead the sea otter that's in the water lifts his head from its liquid pillow to see us looming towards him. He languidly rolls over and dives deep into the blue to avoid being hit or being sucked into the ship's engines.

I look to my left and see thousands of puffins nesting in the hundreds of crevasses in the bluffs that have been carved out by nature over thousands of years. Just a few thousand years ago a glacier had been there and then when it melted it carved this beautiful landscape. I notice the deep recesses in the rock, almost like caves, and can see how they have formed by the way the water smashes against them in their farthest and darkest corners. The caves and rock formations seem to be my favorite parts of this cruise through Kenai Fjord National Park. While the eyes of the others on board with me scan the waters for orca whales or other sealife, I find my own eyes continually search the shoreline for an even more beautiful formation than the last and, to my delight, each time they do only get better.

From nowhere, or probably not from nowhere, I am struck with the realization that this entire landscape and those rocks especially are a lot like my life. Not so long ago, although it seems like it sometimes, a glacier had been in the place where my heart now beats. Due to the Son's light and nature the glacier melted leaving in its wake a constant stream of Living Water rushing through me. It was a stream of Water so forceful that over time it carved out ugly spots that were hard as rocks and left them nothing but open and cleansed, beautiful rooms in which the Water could ebb and flow and move about freely.

The Water still looks for and finds other spots that need carving out and immediately goes to work. The process is sometimes slow and painful but always necessary in order for the Water to feel as though it has free reign within the jagged walls of my life. There are deep caverns of which it is impossible to see the farthest wall and these are the places where the most work is needed. They are where ugliness and harshness have rooted their way deep into my core, or where the glacier hasn't completely thawed out yet and there are still hard frozen remnants of an ice age long ago, a time when there was no life, only merely survival. Slowly the Light reaches those places and together with the Water the ice recedes and new life begins. It is in the deepest parts of me where I and the Water are the most intimate, where we come and work together in a holy union. Me, so eager and willing to have more room to offer the Water in which to dwell; my hard surfaces and sharp edges so pliable and obedient to the Water's chiseling; always wanting more, never feeling satisfied with the amount of space that the Water already occupies. The Water, desiring deeply to inhabit every part of me, and waiting patiently knowing that someday I will break completely and offer to it the whole of me.

My head hangs over the rail, heavy and spinning. This time it's not the rocking of the boat; it's a combination of the rush of the Water within me cleansing out yet another part of me together with the life-giving knowledge that someday all the ice and ugly spots will be washed out completely that seem to knock my equilibrium off kilter. The Water is not done with me yet. It might take a while. But I am surprisingly okay with that as long as I know the Water is there to sustain me. I know the Water won't stop rushing because it whispered it to me.

the next couple weeks...

After tomorrow I am taking a break before school starts up again in just a couple weeks. I am housesitting (and pet-sitting) at a beautiful log cabin that's fairly secluded and sits on a lake and is surrounded by trees. The other day there were two moose chillin' out and eatin' in the backyard. Pip, one of the dogs, was barking at them. They would just look at him like, "Yeah, just watch me come over there and stomp you." It was funny.

So the next couple weeks will be full of:

• lots of rest
• daily walks
• reading several books: The Life of Pi (finishing it), So I Go Now (finishing it), and starting Velvet Elvis, to which I have been greatly looking forward
• music on the iPod
  
• doing lots of introspection, reflecting on the last year, the summer, thoughts for the coming year, where I am, where I am going, and motives; all this introspection will hopefully no doubt inspire lots of...
• journaling and writing in general
• devouring the Bible - I plan to start a one-year plan to read it in chronological order
• some movie- and tv-watching
• playing with the dogs
• just playing
• and if I have anything to do about it, it will hopefully be full of transparent fellowship - me doing life with others, others doing life with me.

It's gonna be an awesome couple of weeks. I don't know how often I will be posting so know that I haven't forgotten about anyone if you don't hear from me and know that I will be back in bloggerland shortly. Love you all!

ah, the good ol' days...

Yesterday was my friend Andrea's birthday. We were eating dinner last night and she started a sentence with, "Back when I was a teenager..." Yesterday was her 20th birthday.

some of my brokenness...

This week I have been helping a friend through a crisis in her life. Today as I was talking to her I teared up. I was telling her that her identity does not lie in that situation, that it in no way defines who she is. I told her that God knew she would face this one day and he still thought her valuable enough to send his son to die on a cross for her. I told her that this makes her no less valuable - to me or to God or to those that really love her. I cried because I was reminding myself of the same things. It was a reminder that I am not my mistakes, that I am deeply loved by lots of people despite them. That's something I seem to forget all too easily sometimes.

Last week I was hanging out with a friend that I had just met. It was Friday night and we'd had several conversations over the course of the week and he was leaving the next day. He told me, "I really admire you because you listen simply for the sake of listening and not to try to figure out what you're going to say next. That's so rare and I love it. At the beginning of this week when I met your friend Venessa I was interested in her. She's very attractive. But the more I talked to her, the more I realized that she had no substance to her. In the end, it's you that I have been so impressed by more and more every day this week. The more I talk to you the more I want to talk to you." I nodded and averted my eyes so that he wouldn't see them start to leak. And then he said, "I hope that doesn't offend you. I don't want to offend you." I shrugged it off and said something like, "No, not at all." But in my heart I was hurting. He was telling me that while I had substance, he didn't find me attractive even in a platonic way. (By the way, let me just add here that he wasn't someone that I was interested in romantically; he was just a friend, someone with whom I'd had some good conversations over the previous few days.) And he said that he was surprised by me, refreshed that he'd been able to spend so much time with someone that he didn't find attractive at all, and how much value he saw in me because I am such a good listener, etc...

All I really wanted to do was walk away but instead I listened to him, because after all that's who I am - a good listener. I let the lie sink in. I believed that I wasn't attractive, that I was only valuable because of who I am on the inside and not because I have external beauty to go with it. I am still thinking about it - almost a week later. And I think I am stuck on it. So much lately I have been frustrated that people don't look past external appearances to the person underneath. They don't look at people the way God sees them. "For man looks on the outward appearance, but Christ looks at the heart." Even though my friend said that he had found value in who I am inside, he negated it with the comments on my outward appearance. And he told me that he would call me Sunday or Monday when he got back home and that he hoped we would stay in touch. But he never called me; he's called my friend Venessa, the attractive one, a few times now. And this sent me another message: even if I do have substance, what good is it anyway? He still chose to pursue more of a romantic relationship with physical beauty instead of a friendship with inner beauty. I am broken right now. It seems I need someone to remind me of my worth, that my identity doesn't lie in outward appearances. You can tell me that all you want, but right now I am just really broken and I won't believe it. This is where I am.

Why do I seem to struggle with this issue so much?

colors of life...

I have a new favorite playground. You can play with the different magnetic poetry kits and submit poems online. It's oh so much fun! I wrote this poem there this morning:

I will...
Investigate deep water
Imagine more
Compose joy
Create fiery impressions
Sing a masterpiece of love
Paint life in bold blue and green
Open up my pain
Know balance
Live in rhythm
Sense grace
Capture movement
Anchor my purpose
Breakthrough the miasma
Question my world
Give myself fully to art and beauty
Paint vivid metaphors with drunk color
Be an icon of love
Demand harmony
Sculpt silhouettes of electric purple
Feel the sunrise
Experience true freedom
Dream music, soft and free
Feel wildly original
Dust off my heart
Model inner beauty
Drink in youth
Experience wisdom
Ask why
Witness a miracle daily
Shimmer with life and
Dance like light on water
Observe life unfolding
And I will not waste passion.

prayer summit...

I have a couple friends, Jeff and Marcus, climbing Mt. Rainier this week. Please keep them in your prayers that God would protect them from danger. Both are experienced mountaineers but even seasoned climbers have accidents. Wouldn't it be awesome if when they got back they mentioned that they could feel the power of prayer protecting them? They have attempted Rainier twice before but have not been able to summit due to extreme weather conditions so this is their third attempt. Let us also pray that they would be able to summit this time around. Thanks.

who i always wanted to be...

I have always wanted to be one of those people who:

• could get away with wearing just about anything without feeling self-conscious.
• could get away with having a short funky hairstyle or no hair at all and still look fabulous.
• suddenly decided one day, after living their whole life in the same city, that they needed or wanted to move.
• wakes up on any given day and says, "Hmm... I think I will buy an (insert spendy item here: ipod, a really good digital camera, a new tv, season tickets to something, etc...) today." And then go plunk down the cash and not have any qualms about it.
• decides to travel the world and they just do it without thinking twice.
• had the ability, both physical and financial, to take extended leave from work and do something for themselves like hike the entire Appalachian Trail or go on the Camino to Santiago Pilgrimage.
• could write something that had the potential to change peoples' lives.
• could eat anything they wanted to and not worry about figuring out how far they have to walk to burn that number of calories.
• have people say of them, "She looks amazing for her age, doesn't she?" or something else like that.
• is quirky in a completely interesting and intriguing sort of way.
• has an amazing voice and sings like an angel.
• can sit in the sun for any amount of time and not worry about looking like a lobster when they go inside.

But I love the me I have become more than the idea of even the possibility of becoming anyone of the above. I have become the best me I can be, the me that God created me to be.

perhaps the most beautiful words i've ever heard...

I was out tonight with a friend who has not been walking with God and has found himself addicted to drugs and believing God exists but not trusting in him at all because of a past experience. We were engaged in deep philosophical and theological discussion. He was trying to make excuses and justify himself. I was able, nay God was able to speak through me and somehow get through to him. At the end of our discussion I told him that God is passionately pursuing him and always has been and that he'd rather be right about God and life than happy. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can't believe I am going to say this but it has only just now occurred to me that I want to trust God. And you've convinced me to give him a chance, to spend one day with him this week praying and asking him to change me. Deep in my heart I know that you're right, that it really has nothing to do with God but it all comes back to that one experience with that woman that I loved and we both loved God. It all comes back to that. I will give him a chance this week and spend a day with him." And I nearly lost it right there. Those words were so beautiful! I told him to think about what happened to him today and to realize that he's been given a second chance. Right before noon today he fell 10 feet from a ladder and landed smack on the concrete and hit his head. And he walked away with nothing more than a sprained ankle. When I worked in ICU and ER, for a year each, I saw falls from a lot lower heights kill people. The paramedics that came to the scene when I called 9-1-1 were amazed at his condition. I told him to try to tell me that it was just a fluke thing, that it was luck and that God had nothing to do with it. He couldn't tell me that.

So now I make a plea to you all... Please join me in praying for my new friend Tim. He's here on a mission trip from Arvada, CO.

a man and his music...

I wrote this today for a friend that had a horrible night last night.

In a room that's empty
Save for the darkness and a silence so loud it's deafening
A man sits, clinging desperately to his guitar
As though he's drowning and it is his only lifeline.
He's trying to find resolution in his heart
By searching through all the words;
He neglects the empty ones and
Chooses carefully only the words that fill him with meaning.
He sends them up into the night -
Soulful and sexy and aching,
Until he laid his words upon it like a blanket
With the music he was making,
Leaving it now only soulful and sexy.
The salve in his voice, smooth and breathy and warm like gauze,
Has soothed the ache that hung in the air
And replaced it with comfort and familiarity,
His words, rich from experience,
Wrap around the night
And lend it some ambience.
Soon his music swallows the darkness and
The room is bathed in mystical light.
It's a light that emanates from somewhere else,
Some place that's far beyond himself.
It's a place where hurting and healing collide,
Where brokenness and holiness reside,
Where truth and beauty are born from inside,
Where pain and hope abide,
Where love and danger coalesce,
And humanity and the divine coexist.
It's a place where all of these in his own life are illuminated;
And it's there that he realizes
That though he is not perfect,
He is perfectly flawed
And in response, Heaven and all its angels applaud.
This is the source of light that casts its glow
On a room that was empty
Save for the darkness falling and the silence calling,
Where a man clung to his guitar
Trying to save his own life from trivial things
And while doing so,
It was my life that he played on six strings.

what's been keeping me so busy...

This week I am painting for work. Up on a roof that is steep in some places. And holy cow, let me tell you there's been a lot to paint up there. I've been up there all week and thought I would get done today but the rain is temporarily keeping completion at bay.

Back over Memorial Day, you might remember me posting about it, I went to Anchorage with Lisa. While there we met Justin, a 19 year-old kid from Minnesota who had been praying about coming up here for a while. God impressed it upon his heart to come up and he gave up a gig that would have had him touring all over Georgia with his band and opening for Relient K and some other bands. Music is his passion, second only to God, and so that sacrifice is of course a huge one. I remember when I met him how impressed I was that he was just a young kid, didn't know anyone at all, and yet he blended right in with our group. He jumped right in and included himself in conversations, which is scary and sometimes even when you know the people. And how impressed I was that he made such a huge sacrifice. It was like his Isaac. Anyhow, he was at Covenant Bible Camp in Unalakleet for 4 weeks as a counselor and is on his way to Bethel, AK next week to do 2 years of youth ministry there. He stopped here in Soldotna for 3 weeks to do some volunteer work. And let me tell you he's become one of my best friends. It's weird, I know. I can't believe that I feel so open with him and he's said the same thing about me. We have talked, quite literally, about everything. Everything. He's asked my opinion on some lyrics and taken my advice on some of it. I've shared some writings of my own with him. We've talked about exes and friendships gone bad and our childhoods. I helped him through a potential stalker situation. I don't know how many nights this week we will have started a movie and will just end up turning it off because we'll start talking again and will continue to do so until 3am or so. It's amazing to me how much he knows about me and still wants to learn more. The best part of all this is that he's completely safe. While he is an attractive guy, I am not attracted to him at all.

So that's what I have been so busy with this week that has kept me from posting. On Sunday we went to church together and the pastor spoke about rest and the sabbath and how important it is. Our challenge for the week was to find time to rest and he gave different pictures of what that might look like: reading a spiritual book, reading the Bible, just being still, finding renewal through conversation with friends, etc... On Sunday afternoon Justin and I went for a drive and the sky was low and dark and ominous in a beautiful sort of way. Justin looked at it and looked at me and said, "The sky is resting too." And I looked and it really looked as if it had fallen wearily into its heavenly bed and was laying there heavily. It was gorgeous! He's really opened my eyes to look at things from new perspectives. He challenges my faith and encourages me to grow every day. Already I treasure his friendship. I have been surprised with how many levels there on which we connect. It's so refreshing.

this week i...

• changed jobs
• watched the first season of Northern Exposure and noticed how inaccurate it is in some ways and how accurate it is in others
• discussed and debated for 2 hours what tithing and giving looks like today with about 25 other 20-30 somethings at a new Bible study I've started attending
• contemplated life and spirituality for hours on end while staring into a fire for hours on end
• took a drive
• thought about how the majority of this huge state in which I get to reside is wilderness, pure and untouched by the world - no buildings, no civilization, no scars, its beauty still in its originally created state, habitats still intact; and then thought about humanity and how opposite that picture is for us.
• realized how satisfying hard physical labor can be and how I never thought I would be one to say that
• wondered, yet again, why we hide so much behind this facade of "I have it all together;" and decided that if I took my mask off and was completely honest and wore my brokenness "on my sleeve" I would look like a smashed windshield
• went clamming in order to make clam chowder for dinner tonight
• met a distant relative - my poppa's brother Doug and his wife Nancy live in Muskegon, MI and a team from their church is up here this week working on campus volunteering and Nancy's cousin Dick is on the team; it's so good to make connections
• have been apalled at the fact that I have been here one month shy of an entire year and have yet to go fishing
• mastered the weed eater; it's an art form, you know - my arms will be buff by then end of the summer from carrying that thing all over campus
• gotten down about how far I have yet to go in completely healing from my past but then looked at how far I have come and basked in it
• signed up for classes at Kenai Peninsula College, a branch of University of Alaska - Anchorage: Peace Studies, Film as Literature, Intro to Criminal Justice, Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling are my KPC classes, Ministry Practicum is my ACC class; and I am still hoping to do an independent study in dog mushing; next semester is Truth, Beauty and Goodness; Gender & Sexuality; Intro to Marriage, Family & Interpersonal Relationships; Personalities; and Philosophy II at KPC plus Expressions of Faith at ACC = another busy year but I hope to have my AA come May
• got an email from an old friend I haven't seen or talked to in a few years
• have been blessed once again by another full and rich week living in Christ
  

an amalgam...

I don't have any one specific thing to post about. I lost my journal entry for the thoughts on prosperity post I was going to do so I am having to start over. So, since I don't have collective thoughts on any one subject, I now present you a post with many subjects - an amalgam. My weekend was incredible. It started at Veronica's on Saturday, about which you already read. The only thing that's different is that now my camera is back from vacation and has resumed work. I went back and recaptured the scene that I had posted about, minus the Bible and the journal, etc... You'll get the general idea though.

Saturday night Lisa and I decided that it had been too long since we had Taco Bell so we went, followed by a trip to the beach and then a spontaneous drive to Cooper Landing where we hiked around for a bit and then headed back into town around 11pm. Sunday morning I slept in and went to Bedside Baptist for church that morning. It was blissful. Then I decided to drive to Anchorage. I took my friend Cheryl along with me. We stopped at Portage Glacier on the way up and were blown away, yet again, by God's marvelous and magnificent creation.

We had tentative plans to stay with these incredible people there in Anchorage that night. But after trying all day I still couldn't get hold of them. Late that evening, when we stopped by Tom's on the off-chance that he'd be home, he informed us that the Hjelms' were out of town. No wonder I couldn't get hold of them. With a lack of a back-up plan, we spent the night in the car - a little, red Daewoo - parked in the church parking lot there in Anchorage. Cheryl slept and I tried. I just couldn't. But it was an adventure. My first time ever spending the night in a car and Cheryl's first time also. Like I said, it was certainly an adventure.

At 6am there was a group of high school boys running through the church parking lot making all kinds of noise. Cheryl woke up unwillingly. I decided it was time for breakfast so we drove to McDonald's where we brushed our teeth and made ourselves more presentable for the world. At 7:30 we were back in the car and on the road back to Soldotna. What should have taken 2 1/2 hours, we turned into a 7-hour trip, stopping where we wanted, taking pictures, relaxing, watching bears swim and other wildlife, taking detours (which there's only one "detour" you can take), etc...

We took the road to Hope, AK, a little village that we see from across the inlet every time we go to Anchorage. I have always wanted to go and so... we did. It was glorious! The entire 16-mile road was amazing and once again, I was blessed by what God had created. I was actually moved to tears that time. I saw some of the greenest greens and bluest blues and a tree that defied gravity.

We had lunch at a little cafe there in Hope where I had the BLT and homemade Hungarian Mushroom soup that was outta this world. Phenomenal! Back on the road and Cheryl settled in for a nap. I was exhausted by the time we got back home. I ate dinner and chilled out a little bit and then went to bed. I had some things I knew I wanted to do the next day so I made it an early night.

Tuesday, the 4th, I slept until about 2pm - much later than I wanted. Four years ago when my dad was living here and I came up to visit we had gone to Seward, AK on the 4th for their festivities. There was a marathon - up a mountain no less, street vendors, native arts and crafts, yummy food, and scenery like you wouldn't believe. It was tons of fun! So I wanted to go back again and watch everything happen again. But I slept in late that day and decided that since no one I had asked wanted to go with me I would just not go. Well, I wasn't having that. About 5:30 I was at some friends' house and decided what the heck, I'm not gonna let everyone else determine what I do or don't do. I'm gonna go anyways. So I got in the car and went, which for anyone can be a big deal and for me was a huge deal. I usually am so afraid I will miss something so I'll go along with everyone else and put my own desires aside. Or I would be so afraid or anxious of feeling awkward by myself. But that day was completely different. Hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. Again, the scenery was gorgeous and the time with God in the car without a radio was just as beautiful. I got there and walked around the town getting pictures and just people-watching. There was an Air Force band playing live there and they were really good. They did all cover stuff but still, very good. While I was listening to them I started a conversation with someone and when the band was done playing he said "Hey, let's go have dinner!" So we went to Ray's Waterfront Seafood and kept talking. He's a fisherman named Mike, originally from Seattle and was there by himself also. He was great company and the best part was that it was a completely harmless, no expectations kinda thing. We didn't exchange numbers or anything. We just had dinner and parted ways. It was perfect and it was exactly what I wanted to do on the 4th. So at 11:30 I decided I should head back home. Completely content and my tummy satisfied with yummy seafood and ice cream from Harbor Street Creamery. And I wasn't anxious at all about being alone; I was the best me I could be and it was incredibly freeing. The only thing I missed on the 4th were the fireworks. It doesn't get dark enough here.

Today I got to hang out with 10 fine young men from Alaska Military Youth Academy. There were 120 od them that were down from Anchorage doing community service stuff in the area and 10 of them came to the college to help out and serve. So a few of them helped me burn up huge wood piles while the others did other things on campus. They were so polite saying, "Ma'am, yes ma'am," and "No thank you ma'am" all the time. My favorite part was after we had all the wood on the fire we got to just sit around and talk. I got to know them pretty well the last couple hours or so. They were good kids and hard workers. Hanging out with them was such a blessing and hearing their dreams for the future and everything. There was only 1 or 2 Christians out of the bunch and to have some of them ask me questions about my faith and the college was such a cool thing. I was fed, really spiritually fed by all of it. And my desire to be a youth pastor resurfaced full-force when a few of them hugged me as they got on the bus. It was a good day.

achievement of perfection...

I have always thought perfection something impossible to attain. But today I know otherwise. As I sat in the sun in my broken-in sweatshirt, capris, and Doc sandals, the breeze from the coast and the sun and the 65 degrees enveloped me. I was lounging outside that blissful place called Veronica's, sitting in one of two wooden chaise lounges (Jesus was sitting in the other) and drinking a strawberry blended tea smoothie thingy. The pungent fragrance of the oversized lilac bushes was overwhelming. The scenery was phenomenal. And to top it all off I was putting finishing touches on a devotional I was writing so I was spending transparent time with God in between naps and watching the surroundings. It was 3 uninterrupted hours of bliss. I now know it is possible to achieve perfection. Because, today, I did just that.

I realize this post would have been so much better with pictures and I even tried getting some. And they would have been glorious. But unfortunately my camera has decided to take a summer vacation as well and has ceased working, much to my dismay. It's only been under my employment for not quite a year. I am very disappointed and the closest Best Buy, where I hired it, is 3 hours away in Anchorage. So I see a road trip on the horizon.

one of the best experiences of my life...

Let me just say that God has blessed me with some deep friendships with men of very high integrity recently. Last weekend I had been a little disappointed by the behavior of a couple of my friends. I had just gotten done telling one of them how much I appreciated his authenticity and transparency in his life, that I loved how he relates to people and brings them out. He told me that it was the best compliment he'd ever received. And the next day came the fall. I won't go into details but only that it made me question my own character that I would hang out with people who would do such things. I felt like a fool for paying him that compliment; I felt as though I had been snowed.

And then last night the two of them showed up here after driving 3 hours to apologize to all the parties involved. They were very humble and asked for forgiveness. They were incredibly remorseful over how they behaved. (Let me just say that what they did wasn't terrible. They didn't hurt anyone but themselves really and only temporarily hurt a few of us here.) They had talked a lot together over the course of the week and prayed with each other about things that happened. They both decided they needed to come down and apologize to everyone. One of them, the main one involved, did most of the talking and part of what he said was how he wasn't where he should be spiritually.

I was able to say without reservation that I forgave them and that I love them both so very much. I told them I respected them immensely for facing up to it. And then I was hit with this thought and shared it with the group: We are all capable of doing what they did. We all sin. And when we do, if we handle it with as much humility as they did then we'd all be doing very well. And I looked at the one who said he wasn't where he should be and told him not to believe that lie and said that we are all exactlywhere we need to be. God us has all here, where we are in our spiritual journeys, for a very specific reason. And I said that I felt it was all to teach us a lesson about integrity and living in intentional relationships with each other. Then I looked at the other, to whom I had paid the compliment last weekend, and told him how over the week I wanted to take it back, but now I mean it even more than before.

It turned into an awesome confession time among some of my best friends. It was incredible. The presence of the Holy Spirit was palpable. We weren't just confessing our sins against each other but our sins in secret, the things we do when no one is looking. I had never experienced anything like it. This group of friends now means more to me than I could ever imagine; this is the very picture of intentional friendships and it's beautiful, to say the absolute least. I hope that everyone can experience this kind of love in their own relationships.

Now, a prayer request... The little brother of one of the two guys was flown by 'copter from his home village of Koyuk, AK to Anchorage with severe burns on his face and neck. He's listed in very serious condition. It is due to neglect. I have seen pictures and it's very traumatic. He will definitely have permanent scarring, even after reconstructive surgeries. The boy is named Willie and he is only six years old. Please pray for him.

all the things that really matter...

My birthday weekend was phenomenal. There were many times throughout the weekend that I thought Oh I need to remember this for my blog, whether it was something funny someone said or just a good memory to put down on "paper" to come back to later. But, now that I am actually sitting to write about them I can't remember all of them. I do remember getting the coffee mug from Sharon and the incredible cookies from JoAnne and the Burt's Bees Hand Repair Creme and Burt's Bees Night Creme from Cheryl.

But the very best things were the intangible gifts - the ones that couldn't be touched but the ones that were felt or experienced. Like Tom and Doug taking turns reading the 29th verse of every chapter in Proverbs that had a 29th verse and then reading all of Chapter 29 itself, along with Psalm 29. Like Blassi making me dinner - spaghetti with good homemade sauce. Like Tom taking me out for a couple birthday beers on Saturday night at around 11:30 and getting so lost in good authentic convo that we completely lost all track of time and didn't leave until around 2 or so. Like Tom and I meeting up with Blassi and his brother Larry, and Lisa and Doug at Blassi's place and seizing the opportunity to tell each of them how much I love them and how thankful I was that they helped me celebrate. Like going to the beach to play frisbee with 4 of your best friends and then heading to the bluffs to watch the sun "set." Like hanging out all night and not going to bed until 4:30am. Like hanging out at Buckets for almost 4 hours last night watching NBA Finals. Those were the things I remember and will remember years from now. Those were the gifts of the most worth for me. And they were all gifts of relationship and fellowship, people giving of themselves because that's all they had to give and because they knew that's all I wanted. Yeah, it was a good weekend.

I remember laughing A LOT and feeling loved. And that's really all that's important, right?

Oh and I remember this... Doug said the other day: "When I became a Christian God took all my sins and put 'em in a big burlap sack and tied 'em up and tossed 'em into the deepest, darkest ocean. And then he posted a sign der that says, 'ABSOLUTELY NO FISHING!'"

party like it's... 1977?

1977 was a year of tragic things...

The Oakland Raiders won the Superbowl (being a KC Chiefs fan, this is tragic)
The Yankees won the World Series (I am not a Royals fan but also am not a Yankees fan either)
Elvis Presley died in his bathroom in Graceland
Stephen King's The Shining was published (not a huge King fan either)

1977 was a year of great things...

Jimmy Carter became president
President Carter pardoned several thousand draft evaders
Anwar Sadat pursues peace by flying to Jerusalem
Star Wars was the top grossing film
ABBA passed up the Beatles in having the top number of records sold
You Light Up My Life by Debby Boone spent a lot of time at the top of the charts
Three's Company premiered on tv
Orlando Bloom was born along with Liv Tyler, Ludacris, Shakira, and Sarah Michelle Gellar... and ME!

I am 29 today. A year away from 30. YIKES! My sister Lisa turned 30 a couple days ago. I wonder how she feels. 25-26 were my best years, my favorite years of my life so far. It seems weird to say that I am 29. When I was little I always thought 29 sounded so old, you know? It was like, "Wow! You're 29! I can't believe you're that OLD!" Now I am 29 and I don't feel old but in some ways I do. I am young in my heart but man... my bones is creakin' fo shizzle. Know what I mean?

Tom and Doug and Blassi are all here from Anchorage for the weekend. So it's bound to be good times. Happy Birthday to me!

conversations: part two...

Last week when I said that part two would be up the next day, I really meant in a week.

Another conversation Lisa and I had on the way to and from Anchorage was about how so many of us so often play the comparison game. It's the one in which we let others beat us by comparing ourselves to them or thinking they're somehow better in us in some way. It's not really a very fun game so I don't know why we (or I) play it so much.

It occured to me, during our conversation, that when we compare ourselves to others like we do we are really denying our "made-in-the-image-of-Godness." He made us just the way he wanted us and gave us all traits and characteristics that reflect his own. When we wish we were more like someone else or when we beat ourselves up for how we look, aren't we really saying that God's design wasn't good enough?

Now, I am not saying that there aren't things in our lives that we need don't need to work on, 'cause, indeed, there are. I am talking about the things that are beyond our control - a big nose, small squinty eyes, full lips, why we're introverted when we long to be more extroverted, why some of us are more prone to being overweight while others can eat all they want and still stay ripped, etc... Those are the things I am talking about. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

We need to accept those parts of us that secular American culture rejects. Maybe we need to change our point of view on our "flaws" and start looking at them as beautiful. Maybe we're the lucky ones and everyone else got jipped. Sure, it's easier said than done but wouldn't it revolutionize our lives? I think if we challenge the way we think about and see ourselves our lives would drastically change. We'd become more confident, more alluring, more mysterious, more loving, more lovable, more forgiving of ourselves and others, more gracious, more relaxed, and perhaps most importantly, more "us" - the "us" that God created and desired us to be from the very beginning of time.

I bet if we changed our thinking to be always positive, we would soon find others comparing themselves to us saying, "Wow! She is radiant! She's happy and content with who she is. How can I get that?" And we can tell them, "I was intentionally created by God, the same one that hung the sun and moon and all the stars and named them, the same one that made the mountains and the oceans, the same one that made all the animals and plants. He made all those things and he made you and we are the only part of his creation to whom he gave his very own image. If you firmly and adamantly believe that about yourself and won't let anyone talk you into believing otherwise, you can have the same radiance and contentedness."

I challenge you to write on a post-it, or on your mirror with lipstick or dry erase pens, that you are magnificent, that you are alluring and mysterious, that you are beautiful (or handsome, whichever you prefer), that the stars pale in comparison to your radiance, and that you are excellently made. Write it, recite it, take it in. And soon, I bet, your life will be very different.

This was written more as a reminder of my conversation and more for my own benefit than for anyone else's. I have made a commitment to myself to take the challenge mentioned in the last paragraph. I have made a commitment to loving myself as I am.