colors of life...

I have a new favorite playground. You can play with the different magnetic poetry kits and submit poems online. It's oh so much fun! I wrote this poem there this morning:

I will...
Investigate deep water
Imagine more
Compose joy
Create fiery impressions
Sing a masterpiece of love
Paint life in bold blue and green
Open up my pain
Know balance
Live in rhythm
Sense grace
Capture movement
Anchor my purpose
Breakthrough the miasma
Question my world
Give myself fully to art and beauty
Paint vivid metaphors with drunk color
Be an icon of love
Demand harmony
Sculpt silhouettes of electric purple
Feel the sunrise
Experience true freedom
Dream music, soft and free
Feel wildly original
Dust off my heart
Model inner beauty
Drink in youth
Experience wisdom
Ask why
Witness a miracle daily
Shimmer with life and
Dance like light on water
Observe life unfolding
And I will not waste passion.

prayer summit...

I have a couple friends, Jeff and Marcus, climbing Mt. Rainier this week. Please keep them in your prayers that God would protect them from danger. Both are experienced mountaineers but even seasoned climbers have accidents. Wouldn't it be awesome if when they got back they mentioned that they could feel the power of prayer protecting them? They have attempted Rainier twice before but have not been able to summit due to extreme weather conditions so this is their third attempt. Let us also pray that they would be able to summit this time around. Thanks.

who i always wanted to be...

I have always wanted to be one of those people who:

• could get away with wearing just about anything without feeling self-conscious.
• could get away with having a short funky hairstyle or no hair at all and still look fabulous.
• suddenly decided one day, after living their whole life in the same city, that they needed or wanted to move.
• wakes up on any given day and says, "Hmm... I think I will buy an (insert spendy item here: ipod, a really good digital camera, a new tv, season tickets to something, etc...) today." And then go plunk down the cash and not have any qualms about it.
• decides to travel the world and they just do it without thinking twice.
• had the ability, both physical and financial, to take extended leave from work and do something for themselves like hike the entire Appalachian Trail or go on the Camino to Santiago Pilgrimage.
• could write something that had the potential to change peoples' lives.
• could eat anything they wanted to and not worry about figuring out how far they have to walk to burn that number of calories.
• have people say of them, "She looks amazing for her age, doesn't she?" or something else like that.
• is quirky in a completely interesting and intriguing sort of way.
• has an amazing voice and sings like an angel.
• can sit in the sun for any amount of time and not worry about looking like a lobster when they go inside.

But I love the me I have become more than the idea of even the possibility of becoming anyone of the above. I have become the best me I can be, the me that God created me to be.

perhaps the most beautiful words i've ever heard...

I was out tonight with a friend who has not been walking with God and has found himself addicted to drugs and believing God exists but not trusting in him at all because of a past experience. We were engaged in deep philosophical and theological discussion. He was trying to make excuses and justify himself. I was able, nay God was able to speak through me and somehow get through to him. At the end of our discussion I told him that God is passionately pursuing him and always has been and that he'd rather be right about God and life than happy. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can't believe I am going to say this but it has only just now occurred to me that I want to trust God. And you've convinced me to give him a chance, to spend one day with him this week praying and asking him to change me. Deep in my heart I know that you're right, that it really has nothing to do with God but it all comes back to that one experience with that woman that I loved and we both loved God. It all comes back to that. I will give him a chance this week and spend a day with him." And I nearly lost it right there. Those words were so beautiful! I told him to think about what happened to him today and to realize that he's been given a second chance. Right before noon today he fell 10 feet from a ladder and landed smack on the concrete and hit his head. And he walked away with nothing more than a sprained ankle. When I worked in ICU and ER, for a year each, I saw falls from a lot lower heights kill people. The paramedics that came to the scene when I called 9-1-1 were amazed at his condition. I told him to try to tell me that it was just a fluke thing, that it was luck and that God had nothing to do with it. He couldn't tell me that.

So now I make a plea to you all... Please join me in praying for my new friend Tim. He's here on a mission trip from Arvada, CO.

a man and his music...

I wrote this today for a friend that had a horrible night last night.

In a room that's empty
Save for the darkness and a silence so loud it's deafening
A man sits, clinging desperately to his guitar
As though he's drowning and it is his only lifeline.
He's trying to find resolution in his heart
By searching through all the words;
He neglects the empty ones and
Chooses carefully only the words that fill him with meaning.
He sends them up into the night -
Soulful and sexy and aching,
Until he laid his words upon it like a blanket
With the music he was making,
Leaving it now only soulful and sexy.
The salve in his voice, smooth and breathy and warm like gauze,
Has soothed the ache that hung in the air
And replaced it with comfort and familiarity,
His words, rich from experience,
Wrap around the night
And lend it some ambience.
Soon his music swallows the darkness and
The room is bathed in mystical light.
It's a light that emanates from somewhere else,
Some place that's far beyond himself.
It's a place where hurting and healing collide,
Where brokenness and holiness reside,
Where truth and beauty are born from inside,
Where pain and hope abide,
Where love and danger coalesce,
And humanity and the divine coexist.
It's a place where all of these in his own life are illuminated;
And it's there that he realizes
That though he is not perfect,
He is perfectly flawed
And in response, Heaven and all its angels applaud.
This is the source of light that casts its glow
On a room that was empty
Save for the darkness falling and the silence calling,
Where a man clung to his guitar
Trying to save his own life from trivial things
And while doing so,
It was my life that he played on six strings.

what's been keeping me so busy...

This week I am painting for work. Up on a roof that is steep in some places. And holy cow, let me tell you there's been a lot to paint up there. I've been up there all week and thought I would get done today but the rain is temporarily keeping completion at bay.

Back over Memorial Day, you might remember me posting about it, I went to Anchorage with Lisa. While there we met Justin, a 19 year-old kid from Minnesota who had been praying about coming up here for a while. God impressed it upon his heart to come up and he gave up a gig that would have had him touring all over Georgia with his band and opening for Relient K and some other bands. Music is his passion, second only to God, and so that sacrifice is of course a huge one. I remember when I met him how impressed I was that he was just a young kid, didn't know anyone at all, and yet he blended right in with our group. He jumped right in and included himself in conversations, which is scary and sometimes even when you know the people. And how impressed I was that he made such a huge sacrifice. It was like his Isaac. Anyhow, he was at Covenant Bible Camp in Unalakleet for 4 weeks as a counselor and is on his way to Bethel, AK next week to do 2 years of youth ministry there. He stopped here in Soldotna for 3 weeks to do some volunteer work. And let me tell you he's become one of my best friends. It's weird, I know. I can't believe that I feel so open with him and he's said the same thing about me. We have talked, quite literally, about everything. Everything. He's asked my opinion on some lyrics and taken my advice on some of it. I've shared some writings of my own with him. We've talked about exes and friendships gone bad and our childhoods. I helped him through a potential stalker situation. I don't know how many nights this week we will have started a movie and will just end up turning it off because we'll start talking again and will continue to do so until 3am or so. It's amazing to me how much he knows about me and still wants to learn more. The best part of all this is that he's completely safe. While he is an attractive guy, I am not attracted to him at all.

So that's what I have been so busy with this week that has kept me from posting. On Sunday we went to church together and the pastor spoke about rest and the sabbath and how important it is. Our challenge for the week was to find time to rest and he gave different pictures of what that might look like: reading a spiritual book, reading the Bible, just being still, finding renewal through conversation with friends, etc... On Sunday afternoon Justin and I went for a drive and the sky was low and dark and ominous in a beautiful sort of way. Justin looked at it and looked at me and said, "The sky is resting too." And I looked and it really looked as if it had fallen wearily into its heavenly bed and was laying there heavily. It was gorgeous! He's really opened my eyes to look at things from new perspectives. He challenges my faith and encourages me to grow every day. Already I treasure his friendship. I have been surprised with how many levels there on which we connect. It's so refreshing.

this week i...

• changed jobs
• watched the first season of Northern Exposure and noticed how inaccurate it is in some ways and how accurate it is in others
• discussed and debated for 2 hours what tithing and giving looks like today with about 25 other 20-30 somethings at a new Bible study I've started attending
• contemplated life and spirituality for hours on end while staring into a fire for hours on end
• took a drive
• thought about how the majority of this huge state in which I get to reside is wilderness, pure and untouched by the world - no buildings, no civilization, no scars, its beauty still in its originally created state, habitats still intact; and then thought about humanity and how opposite that picture is for us.
• realized how satisfying hard physical labor can be and how I never thought I would be one to say that
• wondered, yet again, why we hide so much behind this facade of "I have it all together;" and decided that if I took my mask off and was completely honest and wore my brokenness "on my sleeve" I would look like a smashed windshield
• went clamming in order to make clam chowder for dinner tonight
• met a distant relative - my poppa's brother Doug and his wife Nancy live in Muskegon, MI and a team from their church is up here this week working on campus volunteering and Nancy's cousin Dick is on the team; it's so good to make connections
• have been apalled at the fact that I have been here one month shy of an entire year and have yet to go fishing
• mastered the weed eater; it's an art form, you know - my arms will be buff by then end of the summer from carrying that thing all over campus
• gotten down about how far I have yet to go in completely healing from my past but then looked at how far I have come and basked in it
• signed up for classes at Kenai Peninsula College, a branch of University of Alaska - Anchorage: Peace Studies, Film as Literature, Intro to Criminal Justice, Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling are my KPC classes, Ministry Practicum is my ACC class; and I am still hoping to do an independent study in dog mushing; next semester is Truth, Beauty and Goodness; Gender & Sexuality; Intro to Marriage, Family & Interpersonal Relationships; Personalities; and Philosophy II at KPC plus Expressions of Faith at ACC = another busy year but I hope to have my AA come May
• got an email from an old friend I haven't seen or talked to in a few years
• have been blessed once again by another full and rich week living in Christ
  

an amalgam...

I don't have any one specific thing to post about. I lost my journal entry for the thoughts on prosperity post I was going to do so I am having to start over. So, since I don't have collective thoughts on any one subject, I now present you a post with many subjects - an amalgam. My weekend was incredible. It started at Veronica's on Saturday, about which you already read. The only thing that's different is that now my camera is back from vacation and has resumed work. I went back and recaptured the scene that I had posted about, minus the Bible and the journal, etc... You'll get the general idea though.

Saturday night Lisa and I decided that it had been too long since we had Taco Bell so we went, followed by a trip to the beach and then a spontaneous drive to Cooper Landing where we hiked around for a bit and then headed back into town around 11pm. Sunday morning I slept in and went to Bedside Baptist for church that morning. It was blissful. Then I decided to drive to Anchorage. I took my friend Cheryl along with me. We stopped at Portage Glacier on the way up and were blown away, yet again, by God's marvelous and magnificent creation.

We had tentative plans to stay with these incredible people there in Anchorage that night. But after trying all day I still couldn't get hold of them. Late that evening, when we stopped by Tom's on the off-chance that he'd be home, he informed us that the Hjelms' were out of town. No wonder I couldn't get hold of them. With a lack of a back-up plan, we spent the night in the car - a little, red Daewoo - parked in the church parking lot there in Anchorage. Cheryl slept and I tried. I just couldn't. But it was an adventure. My first time ever spending the night in a car and Cheryl's first time also. Like I said, it was certainly an adventure.

At 6am there was a group of high school boys running through the church parking lot making all kinds of noise. Cheryl woke up unwillingly. I decided it was time for breakfast so we drove to McDonald's where we brushed our teeth and made ourselves more presentable for the world. At 7:30 we were back in the car and on the road back to Soldotna. What should have taken 2 1/2 hours, we turned into a 7-hour trip, stopping where we wanted, taking pictures, relaxing, watching bears swim and other wildlife, taking detours (which there's only one "detour" you can take), etc...

We took the road to Hope, AK, a little village that we see from across the inlet every time we go to Anchorage. I have always wanted to go and so... we did. It was glorious! The entire 16-mile road was amazing and once again, I was blessed by what God had created. I was actually moved to tears that time. I saw some of the greenest greens and bluest blues and a tree that defied gravity.

We had lunch at a little cafe there in Hope where I had the BLT and homemade Hungarian Mushroom soup that was outta this world. Phenomenal! Back on the road and Cheryl settled in for a nap. I was exhausted by the time we got back home. I ate dinner and chilled out a little bit and then went to bed. I had some things I knew I wanted to do the next day so I made it an early night.

Tuesday, the 4th, I slept until about 2pm - much later than I wanted. Four years ago when my dad was living here and I came up to visit we had gone to Seward, AK on the 4th for their festivities. There was a marathon - up a mountain no less, street vendors, native arts and crafts, yummy food, and scenery like you wouldn't believe. It was tons of fun! So I wanted to go back again and watch everything happen again. But I slept in late that day and decided that since no one I had asked wanted to go with me I would just not go. Well, I wasn't having that. About 5:30 I was at some friends' house and decided what the heck, I'm not gonna let everyone else determine what I do or don't do. I'm gonna go anyways. So I got in the car and went, which for anyone can be a big deal and for me was a huge deal. I usually am so afraid I will miss something so I'll go along with everyone else and put my own desires aside. Or I would be so afraid or anxious of feeling awkward by myself. But that day was completely different. Hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. Again, the scenery was gorgeous and the time with God in the car without a radio was just as beautiful. I got there and walked around the town getting pictures and just people-watching. There was an Air Force band playing live there and they were really good. They did all cover stuff but still, very good. While I was listening to them I started a conversation with someone and when the band was done playing he said "Hey, let's go have dinner!" So we went to Ray's Waterfront Seafood and kept talking. He's a fisherman named Mike, originally from Seattle and was there by himself also. He was great company and the best part was that it was a completely harmless, no expectations kinda thing. We didn't exchange numbers or anything. We just had dinner and parted ways. It was perfect and it was exactly what I wanted to do on the 4th. So at 11:30 I decided I should head back home. Completely content and my tummy satisfied with yummy seafood and ice cream from Harbor Street Creamery. And I wasn't anxious at all about being alone; I was the best me I could be and it was incredibly freeing. The only thing I missed on the 4th were the fireworks. It doesn't get dark enough here.

Today I got to hang out with 10 fine young men from Alaska Military Youth Academy. There were 120 od them that were down from Anchorage doing community service stuff in the area and 10 of them came to the college to help out and serve. So a few of them helped me burn up huge wood piles while the others did other things on campus. They were so polite saying, "Ma'am, yes ma'am," and "No thank you ma'am" all the time. My favorite part was after we had all the wood on the fire we got to just sit around and talk. I got to know them pretty well the last couple hours or so. They were good kids and hard workers. Hanging out with them was such a blessing and hearing their dreams for the future and everything. There was only 1 or 2 Christians out of the bunch and to have some of them ask me questions about my faith and the college was such a cool thing. I was fed, really spiritually fed by all of it. And my desire to be a youth pastor resurfaced full-force when a few of them hugged me as they got on the bus. It was a good day.

achievement of perfection...

I have always thought perfection something impossible to attain. But today I know otherwise. As I sat in the sun in my broken-in sweatshirt, capris, and Doc sandals, the breeze from the coast and the sun and the 65 degrees enveloped me. I was lounging outside that blissful place called Veronica's, sitting in one of two wooden chaise lounges (Jesus was sitting in the other) and drinking a strawberry blended tea smoothie thingy. The pungent fragrance of the oversized lilac bushes was overwhelming. The scenery was phenomenal. And to top it all off I was putting finishing touches on a devotional I was writing so I was spending transparent time with God in between naps and watching the surroundings. It was 3 uninterrupted hours of bliss. I now know it is possible to achieve perfection. Because, today, I did just that.

I realize this post would have been so much better with pictures and I even tried getting some. And they would have been glorious. But unfortunately my camera has decided to take a summer vacation as well and has ceased working, much to my dismay. It's only been under my employment for not quite a year. I am very disappointed and the closest Best Buy, where I hired it, is 3 hours away in Anchorage. So I see a road trip on the horizon.