30 June 2005

triggers and broken hearts...

Yesterday I was trying to arrange my plans for the 4th of July. I have had this desire since the other day when my friend posted about Old Glory Days in Clinton, MO to go back to Clinton, my hometown, and attend the days festivities. Of course, I didn't want to go alone so I called my dad in an effort to spend some time together and continue working on building the relationship we so desperately want now that we didn't have while I was growing up. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to spend some quality time together. I told him about my plans and his response was, "I don't think I am mentally capable of that right now. I have been driving back in forth from Junction City, trying to hire people, buying a farm, and am about to go crazy." (He just started a new job with Alutiiq - an Alaskan based company - as a construction executive. Junction City is about 2 hours from here one way. He and my stepmom will be living there - in the house on the nine acres of land they bought - during the week and here on the weekends and holidays.) His response triggered in me feelings of rejection and not being good enough for him to want to spend time with me. I remember times growing up when I would ask him to play with me or I would tell him I needed to talk. "Not right now," or "Maybe later" was always his response. I always felt his career was more important. I know he did not intend to hurt my feelings last night when he said, "No," but it was automatic. He even said, "I know this will hurt you and I don't want to do that but I just can't go." Still his words sliced my heart and stabbed at my soul. I was a little girl again begging for her dad's attention and affection and begging to get a different response than what she was used to. And again the response was, "You're too much for me right now."

I have been through the training, I should know better than to let those triggers get to me and effect me the way they have in the past. Why now? Why do I feel so hurt? I am at a loss. The wounds were well on their way to healing.

For once I just want him to want to spend time with me. I want him to want me more than his job. I want him to say, "Yes. Christina, I will go with you. This is important to you and you are important to me. Let's go and spend the day together." Instead my heart is broken. Heavy. Closed. I can't explain it.

Father God, you know my heart and its desires. You know how much I want to mend this relationship with my dad and to spend time with him. You also know the extent of the wounds that are a result of our relationship of the past. Set me free from those wounds. Heal me. Help me. Hold me.

29 June 2005

the funniest thing that's happened to me today... so far anyway...

So just now I was out 'n' about, taking a break from the pile of work on my desk at the office. I walked to my bank and then walked over to Latte Land to get a smooooothie to ease the heat of the midday sun. On my way from Latte Land heading the block or so back to the office, a random guy, looking serious and intent, stops me and promptly made the following assertion: "Did you know? Did you know that Darth Vader married an Amish woman? Did you know that?" And then he started singing about it in an attempt that was reminiscent of Phoebe's ghastly endeavors at crooning on Friends.

This reminded me of a time back in high school when my best friend Nida and I were in Westport walking around on a Friday night. (Yes it was late. And no we shouldn't have been there. But we were.) We were minding our own business and a random guy stops us and, with the same seriousness as the above guy, says, "Did you ever think that snakes can't wear vests 'cause they don't have any arms? Did you ever think about that?" I replied, "No. I have not made it a point to devote my life to thinking about such things but I sure am glad that someone's given thought to them."

For some reason I have some weird force that compels random guys to divulge profound truths to me.

After the guy started singing today I promptly started walking away. He yelled out at my back, "But at least I made you smile and laugh a little!" He was right. He did. *_*

flame...

Tuesday night I was at my co-ed book discussion group on Captivating. We were discussing how the authors talk about how real beauty is illumined from within. It is not something you strive towards. It happens when you let the love of God enter in and take hold of every aspect of your life. I got this image in my head of a stained-glass hurricane lamp that had a candle inside. You know how before the candle is lit the colors on the outside of it look muted and flat? But then once that flame starts burning the colors become alive and brilliant? That's the image I got and it inspired the poem below.



flame...


All the fragile pieces of me,
The little bits of colored glass
With lines of thick black lead between,
Seem dim and obscure like tarnished brass.
Dark and lifeless, dull and listless
With no purpose but to take up space
In a dimly lit world of emptiness.
I look around and see other faces
At how they almost shine but not quite
With their 50 watts of imitation light inside
The hard, man-made counterfeit light.
Still I am jealous and divulge my pride -
What I wouldn't give to have the chance
To have my delicate pieces lit up like that
To cause someone to give me a second glance,
To not hear someone say my colors are muted and flat.
Someone came and gave me that chance
But the bulb burned out after the dance
And I was left vacant and discarded
To have had a taste and have it removed
Left nothing in me but more guarded
And the idea that my worth had been disproved.
I resolved to live out my days
In a dull colorless haze
Refusing to let anyone see
The real shades of me.
So I wouldn't get wounded
And I would always be grounded.

But You? You had different intentions
When You planned my design
You knew I would need your intervention
For my beauty to shine.
To truly reveal the glow
That I was made to bestow
To transform the dark muted tones
Into shades vivid and alive
Revealing a glory formerly unknown.
You came in and lit the spark
Set the flame burning
Brought me out of the dark;
Toward You I am turning.
You breathed in me your Living Fire -
Divine. Pure. Holy. Refiner's Fire.
Lighting me from the inside out
With your profound ardor
Illuminating me to my true splendor.
Flames of grace set my heart dancing;
Your Eternal Light forever enhancing
The glory of my soul,
The treasure I was meant to be.
I am complete, I am whole.
It took your light inside for me to see
There was something more in store for me.
A pearl from an oyster
A diamond out of coal
Beauty from the ashes
Light shattering the dark.

28 June 2005

meet my fiance...

I am in the process of reading Captivating right now and if I have not mentioned it before - it's a phenomenal book! I recommend it to anyone - male and female alike.

It has prompted much thought and discovery in this ol' mind and heart of mine. Perhaps the most thrilling, the most precious discovery I have made was stirred by the chapter on Romance. Blew me away! It forced me to look at God's love for me in a whole new light: as the LOVER of my soul, my romantic lover. This seemed so weird to me at first. I felt "dirty" for thinking about him that way. I mean, my Creator, my Father, the God of the universe as my lover?? No way dude! That's just too weird and certainly it's sacrelige to even think about that. But the more I read the more it made sense to me and the more I realized that God really does desire to be my lover and that he desires the same devotion from me - intimate, personal, fiery, fierce, passionate. This was astounding to me! And beautiful. And sacred. My God gives me kisses daily that I have, until now, been ignoring or writing off as just natural everyday things. He wants to lure me into the desert and speak tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14). He whispers in my ear. He calls me "Darling." He loves me. He cherishes me. He wants to court me.

There was a shift in my thinking and my feelings about myself when it really started to sink in how deeply he feels about me. It's been a long time since I felt "captivating" deep in my heart. A couple of years ago (when I was a size 6 and was tan and beautiful) I felt I was pretty - the prettiest I had ever been but I didn't feel captivating. I felt that if someone got close to me they would like me for the way I looked but once they started getting to know me they would run. Fast! I was in a relationship for 9 months that year and then, literally overnight, he left me. My fears were proven true and I was afraid of my beauty and began hiding it in order to protect my heart. The past year I have taken steps to regain who I am in my heart, relearn how beautiful I am inside. This chapter just made it all click. It all came together and I feel like a brand new woman. I am reminded of this song actually:

Lookin' out on the mornin' rain/I used to feel uninspired/And when I knew I had to face another day/Oh it made me feel so tired/Before the day I met you/Life was so unkind/But your love was the key to my peace of mind/Cause you make me feel/You make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/When my soul was in the lost and found/You came along to claim it/And didn't know just what was wrong with me/Oh 'til your kiss helped me name it/Now I'm no longer doubtful/Of what I'm livin' for/Cause if I make you happy/I don't need to do more/Cause you make me feel/You make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/Oh baby what you've done to me/You make me feel so good inside/Good inside/And I, I just wanna be close to you/Because you make me feel so alive/Oh what you've done to me/Close to you because you make me feel so alive/You make me feel/You make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/WomanYou make me feelYou make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/You make me feel/Oh baby what you do to me/Can make me feel so good inside/I just wanna be, I just wanna be/Oh what you've done/Natural woman
Honestly, I think that is the best summation of how I feel.

After years of hearing - and believing - that I am worthless, ugly, stupid, not enough, and too much, I finally am hearing - and believing - a different voice. The voice of my Lover whispering to me, "My beautiful fiance! Don't you know that you are precious to me? You are so stunning and alluring. And the mountains? The mountains that you love so much and gaze upon with so much wanderlust? They pale in comparison to the vibrant beauty that you are. You have captured my heart completely and caught my eye and I LOVE you. Won't you come away with me and be my bride?"

I am the luckiest girl in the world. The greatest Man in the universe chose me. ME!

Thank you God for loving me that much! You are my Breath. My Life. My Hope. My Lover. Forever. I am Yours!

27 June 2005

"not so laffy" taffy...

Actual jokes on my Laffy Taffy wrapper:

How did the rabbit get to the other side of the fence?

Answer: Somebody threw him over.

What is yellow all over and writes?

Answer: A ball point banana.

Ummm - I don't get it.

journey of discovery...

Well... It never ceases to amaze me that you may think you're headed one direction and God stears you in another. I have been planning on attending Bible college this Fall at Forerunner School of Ministry at Internatioal House of Prayer Kansas City. After discussing it further with a couple people I was instructed to do some reading. A lot of reading. I made some interesting discoveries regarding the doctrine of Mike Bickle and IHOP that were alarming to me. (It's all public information that you can read here or here. And I am sure there are other sites that address it as well.) They teach Dominion Theology or Kingdom Now Theology. Two things that I whole-heartedly disagree with. I cannot imagine learning in an institution that believes in the doctrine that you can essentially become a "god" yourself or that teaches that God's Kingdom is here already. It's scary to me actually. And Mike claims to be a prophet even though he has made several claims that have not come true. And in order to really be considered a prophet you have to prophesy and have them come true.

It's still my plan to attend Bible College but I don't know if it will be this Fall or not. I kinda doubt it.

Several people have asked me why I want to go to Bible College. What is my intent? After thinking about it, here's what I came up with. There are a few reasons why I want to go to Bible school. At this point, the main reason is for knowledge. I would like to enlarge and enrich my knowledge base of the Bible and feel that the best way to do this would be in an academic arena. I feel this would provide a more comprehensive foundation for me that could be greatly utilized in the future. Second, I have, for several years off and on, felt a desire to serve in ministry in some capacity. As I am not sure yet what that capacity might be, I want to take this opportunity to further my knowledge of the Bible and begin really seeking God's will as it pertains to ministry in my life. I have been talking to a good friend who is the Regional Director for
Young Life about being a volunteer leader this Fall and look forward to more conversations with her regarding that. Third and perhaps most importantly and maybe this goes back to the first reason but the verse, "I have hidden thy word in my heart. It is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path," has long been ingrained in my memory along with the other well known verses: Jeremiah 29:11, John 3:16… I don't want these verses to be the only verses that I know really well. I know other verses but I don’t know them well like I do these. I simply have a desire to soak up the Word as much as I can, as if his Word is a fluid to my dry and thirsty sponge. When I read it, I find I can't seem to get enough of it and I just want to spend, literally, all of my time reading and studying and cross-referencing and studying the people of the Bible, etc…

Whatever the reasons are that I have a desire for going I can't ignore them. I believe the desire has been put there by God and I have to act, I have to move on that.

I am also wanting to move to Colorado some day. I have always sorta felt I was living in the wrong state. There's something so powerful about the mountains for me, so moving, so astounding. They make worship so much more real to me and seem to bring God to life in a way that I can't describe. Anywhere in the mountains would be nice but since Colorado is fairly close to home, I think that's the best choice.

I have done some Internet research on churches there and found a couple really cool ones I'd like to check out. I searched for jobs a little bit there but not much. And I found a couple great apartments there that are priced pretty good. I don't want to move until I have everything in order though. I would move tomorrow if I had a job offer but I am setting a goal of 2 years from now. That way if I move before that I exceeded my goal for myself.

And I am reading
this interesting book by Brian McLaren as a result of all of this and have more reading I am interested in doing afterwards as well.

I have just been praying that God would guide me in the direction of his will for my life, that he would reveal himself to me, and make it clear the path I should take.

24 June 2005

berlin...

It's like Berlin in my heart tonight
Walls built so strong, so high, so tight
No one can get in; I can't get out,
Afraid to find what love is all about.

But then I hear you speak to me,
I feel you reaching out.
You're breaking through the walls in me,
Knocking down all the bricks and grout.
These walls come crashing down
Crumbling, falling all around.

It's like Berlin in my heart tonight
Years of hate and putting up a fight
Keep me from letting your light inside
I can't count all the lonely nights I've cried.

But then I hear you speak to me,
I feel you reaching out.
You're breaking through the walls in me,
Knocking down all the bricks and grout.
These walls come crashing down,
Crumbling, falling all around.

It's like Berlin in my heart tonight
I am so tired of putting up this fight.
All these years I've survived and nothing to show for.
I want to feel alive, I want something more.

I hear you speak to me,
I feel you reaching out.
I realize all you want is me;
Now, I'm the one that's breaking out.
My walls come crashing down;
All that's left is me standing my ground.

It's like Berlin in my heart tonight
On the day that great wall came down and let in the light.
Now all I can do is just give you the praise;
Thank you for my heart of flesh and for your grace.

I heard you speak to me,
I felt you reaching out.
You broke through and set me free,
Knocked down the walls of bricks and grout.
Those walls came crashing down;
And I am left prostrate on the ground.

23 June 2005

i'm here to have a party, open up the bacardi...

Yes, that's a line from a new Mariah Carey song. So what? I know this post is overdue but better late than never right? I was late coming outta the womb and I've been late ever since...

I felt so blessed to have so many friends gather around me for the sole purpose of celebrating my birthday with me. It meant so much to me! Thank you all for coming: Michael, Amy, Cari, Corissa, Chad, Eric, Elizabeth, Shea, Rod, Kathy, Ginger, Nicole, Jim, Matthew, Steve, Jana R., Monique, and my new friends Aaron, Suzette, and Stephen who I met that night at my party. To Heather for helping me set up. And of course, Nida, for having the party at her place and for so many years of awesome friendship. I cherish our friendship more than you know! I love you girl! You're an amazing blessing to me! You ROCK! If I forgot anyone (and I probably did, you know I'm getting old) I apologize. To all my friends who couldn't be there I love you guys!

The party, I have to say, was so much fun that it turned out to be my most favorite birthday ever! Yes EVER! I may have had a little too much to drink. I still remember everything that happened, of course, but I said some pretty funny things that night. Like, "Tom Cruise is the Antichrist." Or "Jim said I have perfect tomatoes." And the ever charming "I just can't blow that hard."

It was at my best friend Nida's house. Well, her mom's house really but she's in D.C. for at least a year so Nida gets free reign of the place. She has a sweet backyard and I thought there was no better place to have a party than in that beautiful setting. Plus, I could crash there if I needed to (and I did). I thought ahead. It started at 3pm in the afternoon on Saturday and the last person pulled outta the driveway at around 2am. Who else has had an ELEVEN HOUR birthday party?

Two of my favorite singers (Chad and Kathy) serenade me with a perfectly harmonized "Happy Birthday"
Kathy and Chad sing happy birthday

The reason for me saying, "I just can't blow that hard!" They put those damn trick candles on my cake! Don't they know I am getting old?
Blowin' out those damn trick candles on my cake

Corissa's worried that Chad may not know what he's doing.
Are you sure you know what you're doing, Chad?

And Corissa has good reason to worry...
Chad catches the house on fire...

All that hard work and all those flames finally paid off...
Chad takin' a bite outta beef

Jim Purcell and his little brother Matthew at the bonfire...
Jim Purcell at the bonfire with Matthew

My beautiful friend Heather roasting marshmallows in the bonfire...
Heather at the bonfire

My friend Rod who I have known for 13-14 years now... Poor guy had been up for like 36 hours straight or something crazy like that! And he still made it to my party! Now that's friendship!
My friend Rod

My sweet friend Michael out at the bonfire. Isn't he handsome?
Michael at the Bonfire

My gorgeous friends Cari (left) and Amy (right) enjoy the bonfire that Jim built for me...
Amy and Cari at the Bonfire

Jim prepares for his little brother (who isn't old enough to drive yet) to drive him home in his beautiful '66 Mustang Convertible...
Jim prepares for a wild ride

Matthew says, "I can't believe he's actually letting me drive his car!" They were the last to leave besides me but I didn't leave 'til morning.
I can't believe he's actually letting me drive his car!

Okay, now I am kinda mad 'cause Flickr won't let me upload any more pics and there are more that I would have rather had on here than these. Oh well... Flickr says I have exceeded my limit already for this month so that will have to be all for now... It was the most fun! Happy birthday to me! "Everybody in the club gettin' tipsy..."~J-Kwon "It's my birthday. We're gonna party like it's my birthday. Sip Bacardi like it's my birthday..."~50 Cent

Oh... and I really do kinda believe that Tom Cruise could be the Antichrist. Poor Katie! I really fear for her. And Jim just liked the way I sliced my tomatoes when he told me that my tomatoes were perfect and that he was really impressed with them. What were YOU thinking? Sheesh!

21 June 2005

the quest, the equation, the result...

Lately I have been doing some soul-searching, some reading, some inquiring, some seeking answers. I have just felt recently that I am tired. Tired of having this desire in me for something more and having it seemingly remain unsatisfied. "The quest is to know Jesus better, to follow him more closely, to become - in some mysterious way - wrapped into his presence." (The Sacred Way: Spiritual Practices for Everyday Life by Tony Jones) That description of this quest, this journey was better than any description I could have come up with, without a doubt. To be "wrapped into his presence." I love the image of that: warm and gauzy, glowing and soft, mysterious and haunting yet comfortable and safe.

When I was very young (both in faith and in age) I tried to find out what it meant exactly to be a Christian. During my most formative years, this is what I heard most often: 1-read the Bible, 2-pray, and 3-go to church. I did all of those things throughout most of my life (with sabbaticals here and there to explore life my own way) only to be left with the feeling that there has to be something more, something else to it that I was not quite grasping. I felt like it was there just beyond my reach, just far enough away as if to say "Nanny nanny boo-boo, you can't get me." I felt as though I have all this "head-knowledge" but when it comes to "heart-knowledge" it seemed there was something lacking there. Much like a vessel that has had the bottom cut off and for a while I was being constantly filled, constantly poured into - flushing out old, pouring in new - refreshed in the spirit. But then at times it seemed that the pourer had stopped pouring. The faucet was dry. And I entered a season of drought.

Enter shame. The equation: God is out there + God wants to hear from me and I talk + I listen for his voice + I don't hear him speak = failure by me. I am filled with this dark ugly void that tells me over and over and over again that I failed, that I did it all wrong, and if I knew how to do it right, how to listen to him and had I done it right the first time I wouldn't be feeling this way. If only...

Looking back I see that the result of that has been repetitive and non-productive. I will become ashamed of myself that I lack faith. I will start all over in my walk with God as though it's my first time, like I have no knowledge of him, learning the same things over and over and over again. And then it comes; it's inevitable, I hit the brick wall again. Head on.

What I am learning is that it's okay to go through a little season of drought every now and then. I think it's those seasons that could be most productive in pushing me forward, drawing me ever closer to the presence of God. In those seasons, instead of going all the way back to the beginning like I have done something wrong, I can just start again from there, asking questions, exploring, discovering, being curious - even a little, dare I say it, doubtful? I am discovering that a little doubt in one's life regarding God and his mysteriousness is okay, healthy even. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) Doubt allows for further exploration, further research, further imploring to discover the answers on my own, to set out to prove myself wrong and God eternally right. Doubt carries with it opportunities for great adventure within this quest, along this journey toward God. God can use doubt to plant seeds of faith in me that grow into beautiful flowers blooming with lots of knowledge. But more importantly, also blooming with a deeper, richer, fuller love for him - a more authentic understanding of the "presence" of God, an unveiling of the beauty of who he is. Magnificent. Mysterious. Abba (Daddy). Love. My completion.

In the book I quoted above, the author relays an experience he had one day while sitting in a coffeeshop. He was looking out into the parking lot at the mall across the street. There was a brand new BMW, it didn't even have tags yet, parked way out away from the other cars to prevent dents and dings. A storm brewed and the wind pushed a shopping cart from several hundred yards away and sent it crashing into that BMW. The author described it as though the cart had a mission, it was honed in on its target. Mission accomplished. Tony then took that and related the shopping cart to God.

It seems to me that God is a lot like that shopping cart-not that God has four wheels and a child safety strap, but that God always seeks us out. No matter how far away we park, and no matter how much we try to avoid bumping into the Divine Creator of the Universe, God finds us and leaves a mark. It's not a search-and-destroy mission; it's a search-and-give-life mission.

So even when I do feel a little thirsty for him, like I am going through a spiritual drought, I know that even then he's seeking me out. He's tagging along right beside me like a shadow. Love wins. God always prevails. I find a great deal of comfort in that.


I promise my pictures from the party are still coming. I hope to have them uploaded and ready for posting tomorrow.

20 June 2005

i am a little goofy and i don't want to grow up...

I PROMISE to post about my spectacular birthday party on Saturday (which turned out to be my most favorite birthday EVER! Yes, that's right. I said EVER!) once I upload pictures, etc... But for now, the results of my last test. Goofy and Peter Pan tied, both with 81% but I think I am a little more Goofy than Peter.

You scored as Goofy.
Your alter ego is Goofy! You are fun and great to be around, and you are always willing to help others. You aren't worried about embarrassing yourself, so you are one who is more willing to try new things.

Goofy 81%
Peter Pan 81%
Sleeping Beauty 63%
Cinderella 63%
The Beast 50%
Donald Duck 44%
Ariel 44%
Pinocchio 44%
Snow White 25%
Cruella De Ville 25%

Mostly this is all true. It's interesting to me that I am equal parts Goofy and Peter, equal parts Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, equal parts Donald and Ariel and Pinocchio. The most interesting thing to me though is that I am equal parts Snow White and Cruella De Ville. So basically I am equal parts gentle beauty who when I sing all of creation flocks to hear me and also vain, raving, lunatic who hates animals and wants all dalmatians killed for my black and white fur coat. It's all so very contradictory. I mean the Snow White in me loves the animals, all creatures great and small. But then the evil Cruella rears her ugly head in my conscience and I am transformed into a horrible villain. It's an inner battle really - a
civil war in my mind. Soon, I think, they will get in a cat fight.

In summary, I am a goofy dog that wants to never grow up and I can also fly when I think happy thoughts. I am very beautiful and also very tired and I clean out the fireplace constantly. I have a duck bill and live under the sea and I am made out of wood. I love animals at times and I hate animals at times. Welcome to my life.

Mostly, like Pinocchio, I just want to be real.

17 June 2005

28 years ago in a land far far away...

Okay so it wasn't that far away (only a few miles) but just go with me on this; after all it's my birthday, so you have to. I am 28 today! WOO-HOO!

I was trying to find baby pictures last night for me to use on this post but all my baby pictures are in storage apparently so these will have to do. They're the closest to baby pictures that I could get.

four beauties

On the far left is my oldest sister Traci. Next to her is my adopted sister Lisa (that was before we adopted her though). Next to Lisa is our childhood friend and neighbor Amy who was adopted from Korea. On the far right is your's truly. Yep, I know, I was pretty cute, huh? We're holding little stuffed animals that my grandmother made for us.

Traci and I - 1981

This is Traci and me in 1981. Again, I know, so cute, right?! I am pretty sure it was taken at my grandparents house. I loved that house. It had an inground pool, an attic that was our "tower" and we were the princesses, a rec room in the basement where we built forts, and a screened-in porch where we drank lemonade and ate ice cream. We'd gather there for Christmases with the whole family. I miss that house. So many memories there...

I am the baby of the family. The youngest. The most spoiled. Daddy's girl. Lisa (the adopted one) just turned 29 2 days ago and Traci will be 33 in September. When we were little everyone thought Lisa and I were twins, which is odd because I don't think we looked anything alike. Of course, it could be because our parents were know to dress us alike on occasion. Yes, they did.

My birthday this year started yesterday when my dad came and took me to lunch at The Lodge Bar and Grill where Canyon Cafe used to be. When I got there the waiter asked me if my birthday was tomorrow (which is today). "Yes," I said skeptically. He then pointed me around the corner to where my dad was seated. He gave me a card. This is the front of it.
front of Dad's card
It was the most perfect card ever. Seriously, it could not have been anymore perfect. It totally tied in with the book I am reading. "Precious jewel, you glow, you shine," was on the front. Inside it said, "Here's to another year of becoming more beautifully you." This is perfect because lately I have felt exactly that - like I was becoming more beautifully me. I have felt more like me than I have in a long time. Well, I haven't really known who I was but I have been discovering that. I have recently started feeling mroe and more beautiful, more and more like "the crown of creation" that God created me to be.

His hand-written message was the best part. I won't share that with you. The book I am reading talks about how we, as women, learn the value of being a woman from our fathers. Growing up I didn't get that affirmation all that much. My dad has done a lot of changing within the last 5 years - but the last 2-3 years especially - and has become this incredible father that I always wished for. He did the best he could and I know that but there was still a lot of pain endured that has caused me a great deal of heartache over the years. There's been a tremendous amount of healing there and I am so proud of him and thanful for him. His card to me could not have come at a more significant time in my life. It was perfect. It was total affirmation of the work I have been doing, the things I have been discovering about myself, the beauty I am beginning to see in me. Thanks Dad. I love you!

16 June 2005

circle of friends: part 2

My circle of friends just keeps increasing. I spent the evening last night in the company of some amazing people. My friend Amy had a going-away party for our friend Rachel "SpankinHankins." Rachel is leaving for Springfield to start her residency. She moves this weekend and I am sad. I just started getting to know her and already feel like we have so much in common: the same kindergarten teacher and possibly a couple other teachers, grew up in the same town, the loss of our mothers. I feel blessed to know her and hope to have the opportunity to get to know her more. I also spent some time talking with my friend Jon's girlfriend Chrissy and discovered that she too lost her mom. It's just amazing to me how God weaves us together and intertwines our lives. I was saying last night how I will tell people, new acquaintances, that my mom passed away 5 years ago and it seems that all they can say is, "Oh. Wow. I am sorry." They almost get uncomfortable like they're on a first date and the silence just hangs there in the space between them: heavy and solid. They don't understand and I know that, I don't expect them too. I mean how could they? So, that's why it was so nice to talk to a couple girls who have experienced that kind of loss, to talk to someone who knows what it feels like, to have this be one of the things that unifies us, to have an unspoken understanding. Rachel and Chrissy - love ya both! I look forward to further convos with each of you.

I also met a delightful soul named Julia whom I had heard so much about but had never actually met. She surprised me by saying she reads my blog on occasion and actually feels like she knows me at least a little. That was nice. This girl is hilarious! And smart too! She just finished medical school and is now starting law school in the fall. "So you can read? Are you sure?" Ha ha ah... I hopefully will have opportunities to spend more time with her and her vibrant personality.

Carl had the bonfire going in the grill and we made s'mores with peanut butter on them, which I am told that they are called Robinson Crusoes. So good I might add. I can't believe I have been missing out all this time. It's a tragedy.

It was a wonderful evening just making old friends out of strangers and talking with friends I've had a while. I feel so blessed!

15 June 2005

Raya. Ahava. Bawth.

Last night was simply amazing. We had renowned worship leader/singer/writer, Charlie Hall, give a concert at our church last night. Incredible!

He was speaking at one point during the evening and he said something about how God used to call him C-Dog. I took pause and I thought about that. I absolutely LOVE the idea of being so close to God, being such good friends with him, that he has a nickname for me (hmmm - what would it be? Raya? Ahava? Bawth?**). Isn't that just a cool thought? To know him so well that we have inside jokes together. To build such a relationship with him that we have memories together like, "Hey God, remember that one time when we...?" I want God as part of my crew. I want to do life with him. There is nothing I want more. A simple desire to just "be" with God.

I want to get to that place where I can't help but just run - not walk, not jog - but all out sprint hard, follow hard after him. To be completely drawn towards him. Completely filled by him leaving no space uninhabited by him, no room left for anything else - to have a God-shaped heart. He created us to be magnets compelled to him - our True North. We should be just automatically drawn to him without effort, requiring no work, no hard labor. An effortless, easy relationship.

On the other hand, I never want to get to a place where I am complacent with where I am in my relationship with my God, to have had enough. To be satisfied would be to declare that there's nothing more to know about him or myself in him or his infinite, sacrificial love for me. That there's nothing left that he could possibly teach me, that I know it all already. To be content would be to say that I am equal with him. I don't ever want to become so wholly satisfied with where I am that I fail to see there's somewhere else for me to go, an infinite Point B, a moving forward that is always required. Never stagnant. Never immobile. Always dynamic. Always changing. Forever growing.

Abba - Help me to always be moving in the direction of you, to never stand still. If I am not running, then hopefully at least I am jogging. If not jogging, then walking. And if not walking, then crawling. Finally, if not crawling, then I pray that you would come and pick me up and carry me. I am a magnet and you are my North; I am forced towards you and your mystifying, luminous love for me. Amen.

** Raya = Friend, companion, someone you hang out with; Ahava = Love; Bawth = Daughter

14 June 2005

circle of friends...

A few weeks ago I sent an email to all my friends saying that I was starting a sand volleyball team and needed players. I sent it also to my friend's boyfriend Jeff. Knowing his partner used to play volleyball in high school he then forwarded it to her. She emailed me telling me who she was and that she used to play and asked if she could be on the team. Of course! So last night I met her and her boyfriend. Turns out I met her boyfriend about a year ago. He's the roommate of one of my friends and we played volleyball together once or twice last summer. It's always interesting to me the way God arranges things. The world gets a little smaller and my circle of friends gets a little bit bigger.

My volleyball team name? To Kill a Blocking Nerd! HA!

13 June 2005

tattoos, piercings and grace...

On one of my favorite blogs, wind scraps, there has been a great debate going for the last week. It all started when Shannon, the author of wind scraps, blogged about an experience she had last Tuesday. (You can read the entire post here; just scroll down to the one titled "On legalism, grace, and skinny, naked legs." But I will summarize it for you.) She was taking her kids to school and was running late when suddenly she remembered that it was Tuesday - and that meant Chapel Day at her kids school. Knowing the "rules of the school" she knew that meant her kids were to "dress up." Remembering her daughter's bare legs in the back seat adorned only by a pair of brand new shorts, bought for Field Day (an Olympic-style event held every year to close out the school year; I remember Field Days from when I was young.) She asked her daughter, "Don't you have Chapel today?"

Her daughter responded, "Yes."

"Then won't you get in trouble for wearing shorts?"

"No, I won't get in trouble. They'll just make me sit by myself in the very back away from the other kids."

Shannon was appalled! With good reason, as far as I am concerned. She had taken this issue to the school board last year but to no avail. She was upset that this "rule" teaches kids that God loves them less if they aren't "dressed up" which is, of course, completely false, completely opposite to the attitude of Christ. God says, "Come, just as you are." And so the debate started. People writing in from all over expressing their opinions, voicing their minds, declaring their's to be the right way, the only way. One commenter, Anonymous, had made her point of view known. In her comments Anon had seemingly brought on judgments and condemnations to those who did not "dress up" for church and that those with piercings and tattoos or green hair simply could not be Christians. She stated that dressing up shows our honor and respect to God and the deacons of the church basically calling into question the hearts of those who have tattoos or piercings or aren't "dressed to the nines." Shannon was compelled to respond by posting a new blog-entry. She addressed each issue patiently, lovingly, and in a very Christ-like manner, backing up her points with sufficient scripture and examples from the Bible. The debate became more heated. Anon posted another comment. Everyone had an opinion (including myself; I posted comments a few times as someone who has two tattoos and used to have a tongue piercing and am a follower of Christ) and wanted their's heard. Back and forth, the arguments went. Shannon declared she’d had enough after Anon posted one last comment that was particularly harsh in tone and spattered with statements that made me feel as though she'd rather be right than happy. Shannon then gave us this story as a new blog-entry titled "Coffee at Clackamas":



My friend had driven four hours to see me. Not only that, when she arrived, she immediately rolled up her sleeves and helped us move a garage-load of boxes from one storage shed to another -- a job that took the better part of a day. When we finished, I asked if she wanted to go get coffee at a nearby mall. Women don't turn down trips to the mall. We don't get that tired. We chatted ferociously all the way to the Clackamas Mall. I hadn't seen her in months, not since we left our farm and moved south to be closer to Dave's seminary. Though we'd talked nonstop while transferring boxes to the new shed, we hadn't yet run out of topics. Away from the apartment complex, my friend had lots of questions about our neighbors and how Zac was adjusting to the new environment.

"He misses the woods," I told her, "but he likes having cement." Back home, Zac never got the chance to ride his bike on a smooth surface. It was all bump and slide and skitter as he maneuvered his wheels over our dirt driveway.

My friend was impressed with the mall. It's not everyday you see an ice skating rink dropped in the midst of shops and restaurants. The espresso stand I brought her to was situated just in front of the broad glass windows above the rink.

"Let's get our coffee and watch awhile," she suggested.

As we approached the stand, my friend said, "I've been craving a mocha. I know exactly what I want."

The stand looked empty when I leaned against the counter. The structure was shaped liked a horseshoe, and I couldn't see the barista tucked around the far corner. But he heard us and came into view.

"Hi," he said. "Can I help you?" he asked, looking directly at me.

"She knows what she wants already," I said, nodding to my friend. But my friend shook her head.

"No, I don't."

That seemed odd since she'd just told me otherwise. But I didn't argue.

"Well, then ... let's see ...." I scanned the menu and nibbled my lip. "Hmmm. I think I want a grande almond latte, but I don't want it too sweet."

"How about if I give you three pumps instead of four?" the boy asked.

"That sounds good."

As we settled on my order, a second barista appeared from around the corner, saw my friend standing at my side, and said, "I can help whoever's next." My friend left me and walked around to the far side of the "U." I couldn't see her, but I could hear her giving the girl her order.

I watched my barista empty the metal, coffee-ground holder thingy and fill it with fresh grounds. He was a nice-looking boy with wild hair, earrings, a pierced eyebrow (the first I think I ever saw), and two arms full of tattoos.

"I have to ask," I said.

"What's that?"

"The eyebrow ... did that hurt?"

He grinned. "I won't lie. It did. But I got over it."

I laughed. "I almost left with just one ear pierced when I was sixteen and sitting in the back of a jeweler's store. That first one hurt so much, I didn't think I could take the second."

I watched the boy fly through his routine and listened to the birth of my latte. Click, twist, burble, drip. The slurp and splat of three pumps of almond liquid dropping into my paper cup. The "hooo-whaa, hooo-whaa" of the milk steaming to a froth. As he was sliding a lid over the milky concoction, I noticed the tattoo encircling his left wrist.

"Hey! That's Greek!" One of the perks of seminary was that I got to sit in on Dave's classes with him. For a few months, I'd been learning Greek alongside him, and while I couldn't read the word upside down, I did recognize the letters.

"You're right," the barista said, grinning again. "It says, 'Savior.'"

"Are you a Christian?" I asked, smiling back.

"Yep."

"What a great tattoo."

He handed me my latte and turned his wrist so I could see all the letters. "I know. It's my favorite. I'm going to get another on this wrist that says 'Messiah' in Hebrew."

We talked for another minute or two about seminary and tattoos and Jesus, until I noticed my friend sitting by the window of the the skating rink.

"Well," I told my new favorite barista, "it was nice talking with you."

"You too," he said.

"Perfect latte. I'll remember to ask for three pumps."

"Good. And I'll remember when I see you next."

He gave me a last smile and we exchanged "God bless you's". Feeling very happy with the coffee and the conversation and the way God has of crossing our paths with lovely souls, just to surprise us, I crossed the floor and took a seat next to my friend. She looked at me, looked at my coffee, looked back at the espresso stand ... and shuddered.

"I nearly died when that boy asked me what I wanted. I wasn't about to let him
touch anything that was going to go in my mouth." She glanced again at the cup that had paused itself halfway to my lips.

"How can you drink that?"

I didn't know where to begin.

Wow! A beautiful, poignant story. One also wrought with sadness, pain and a great lesson to be learned, as well. What an unbelievable follow-up to the post and debates of last week. I was heartbroken to hear Shannon's friend's comments about the barista. To blatantly reject someone based on their appearance alone? Everyone has value. Even the homeless man on the street who aches for a touch. Even the lonely elderly gentleman I saw this morning shuffling his way through life, hunched over with the world on his shoulders, like Atlas. Even the teenager who has the debilitating disease and is in a wheelchair. Even Britney Spears. Even the tattooed barista.

I think it's a sad, sad thing when a person will shut down when approached by someone "different" than themselves. That person could offer us something of far greater value that we quite possibly would never get somewhere else. They could hold some magic key in the form of encouragement, a smile, a comment or insight that forces us to look closer at our own lives, our own judgments, or our own walk with Christ.

That kind of reaction to someone who is "different" speaks of someone who is afraid, afraid that that person might actually have something to offer them. People reject the unfamiliar convinced that they couldn't possibly learn anything from that person or idea or thing. This kind of reaction tells the rejected, "You're not enough. You're not good enough to serve me. You have nothing to offer to me. What could you possibly offer to me that is of any value to me, my world, my existence?" It's a very selfish, narcissistic reaction.

We have all been rejected at some point or another and all know how painful it is and therefore, we should do what we possibly can to prevent others from feeling the same effects. This kind of thinking just absolutely breaks my heart in two. This kind of thinking angers me because it goes against everything we, as Christians, should stand for. I actually feel sorry for the person who has this closed off response: to think what they could be missing out on, all kinds of interesting, exciting relationships with adventurous people who yes, might be different but also might be more like you than you know. Who yes, might not be the cleanest on the outside but who also might have a heart of purest gold. Who yes, might not be huggable by society's standards but who also might just need a hug to remind them that they are indeed still human. Who yes, might be so much older than us but also has a lifetime of fascinating war-stories, love-stories and other untold stories to tell and wants more than anything a listening ear to tell them to and a warm hand to hold. Who yes, might have tattoos and piercings and weird things on his body but who also might be one who knows and follows hard after Christ. Matthew 25:40 says, "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you also did for me." And Matthew 25:45 states, "Whatever you did NOT do for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did not do for me." Doesn't that just say it all?

Christ died for US - lowly, sick, sinful, selfish US! And he is the holy one, the purest, The Almighty God. Who are we to tell someone, "Oh, you are not worthy of me. I am so much better than you. You're not worthy enough to even serve me?" This makes me ill.

The best thing I have learned in life thus far is that there is nothing we can do or not do to make God love us any more or any less than he does right now, in this very moment. He already loves us as much as he ever will with an infinite, unconditional, sacrificial love. He taught us about the human condition and how we’re all designed to be relational beings: loved, accepted, respected, cherished, etc…

I know what Jesus would have done had he been approached by that barista. He would have asked the boy to walk and talk with him a while. He would have told the boy to prepare a meal – for He was coming to his very home for dinner. He would have put His arms around the boy and said, "I love you. You are my son." He would have washed his feet. He would have hung on the cross and died for him. And he did!

Everyone is worth getting to know. Everyone has value. Everyone has something to offer to someone. I can only hope that my life that I live out daily reflects my thoughts that I have laid out here.

Oh yeah, and piercings? Christ had four!

10 June 2005

"almost specifically correct"

Yes folks those are words that were spoken last night on the premiere of Tommy Hilfiger's new show, "The Cut." I believe it was Amy who uttered those words when asked by Tommy if Chris was the one who came up with the idea for their billboard (at least I think that's what the question was). It doesn't matter what the question was really, only that she said, "That's almost specifically correct sir." Ummm - what does that mean? Was she trying to sound smart? Was she trying to sound like she had a commanding presence? Was she trying to impress him? All I was left with were my thoughts of Oh honey. Just stop now. Just walk away. Don't even say anything else. I just hope, for her sake, that Tommy didn't pick up on it.

I thought the team that won did a brilliant job and came up with a great billboard design - despite changing Tommy's logo, which I thought was a dumb idea from the beginning.

I just love these shows!

09 June 2005

happy birthday mom!

Today would have been my mother's 54th birthday. How I miss her! Her laugh that curled over the threshold of my ears in the same way her hair curled around her eyes: soft and tangible. The way her hand felt in mine when we would sit and talk for hours about nothing and about everything. The way she never complained even though she was sick my whole life. I know she suffered but I never heard her complain. She was strong and beautiful. Her letters to me that spoke of her love and worry and care for me; like prayers almost that she had written about me and allowed me the pleasure of reading them. I miss the way she so fully trusted God and his promises to her all her life. She claimed them as her own and relied on them as her source of strength. I miss waking up to hear her playing the piano, Fur Elise or one of many hymns, and her voice singing. I miss knowing that she'll be there when I get home. I miss her presence in my life. The way she always had something to say to me: advice, praise, criticism (always constructive), that she loved me. I miss how she always wanted to protect us but sometimes didn't quite know how.

I know she was hurt when I spent so much time out of the house my junior year of high school when I found out she was dying. I know I hurt her and I will never have that time back and I suppose I am the one that hurts the most because of it. I just couldn't bare to see her, to watch her cling to life the way she did, to fight with everything in her to stay who she was. I know there were other times I disappointed her, other times I hurt her so deeply. When I left for college at KU she was scared for me and sad that I wasn't ready and still chose to go anyway. I think she knew something would happen to me while I was there and I wouldn't be able to finish. She never got angry though really. Now that I think about it I wonder if it would have been better, healthier, for her to have gotten angry every once in a while. Or maybe it just wasn't in her nature to be angry. I can see how that might be the case.

When she died I was heart-broken but that doesn't quite describe it. It felt like I had lost my own life, my will, my purpose. Like all desire had been ripped from me and all that was left was just a gaping wound. My dad said to me, "Just think the level of your grief that you are experiencing now speaks to the depth and breadth of the love that you had for her when she was alive." That made sense for me. If I hadn't been so close to her, hadn't relied on her so much, hadn't loved her so much I wouldn't have had that much sorrow over losing her. It just clicked for me. The reason for the great sorrow I was experiencing was a product of a great love that I had for her times a great love she had for me. I was so blessed.

I miss her. Her hugs. Her kisses. Her words. Her love. Her faith. Her voice. Her letters. Her beauty. Her life. Her being. I miss having the space filled that she occupied in my heart - a mom-sized, a mom-shaped space. Happy birthday mom! I know you're watching over me right now! I love you!

08 June 2005

on the Body and the Blood...

I just came across a stunning poem about Communion. It is poignant. It is simple. It is beautiful in all the ways that Christ is beautiful. I think this guy is my new favorite writer/blogger.

07 June 2005

the effects of light...

I don't have much today so I thought I would share one of my writings with you.

I watch you there living life in your own way and I find that I am often sad for you day after day.
You live fiercely clinging to the theory that when you're in the shadows, it's okay because no one knows;
And the effects of light can be damaging, revealing, shameful.
As long as you stay out of the light, life is fine;
people pass by and pay you no mind.
You live afraid to stumble into the sun for fear you might get noticed.
And you live afraid to stay in the shadow for fear you won't get noticed.
You put all this effort into not drawing attention to yourself
But you're conflicted because you actually want attention;
Only you want it without fear, without risk, without doubt;
but you know deep down, down where it counts
That there's always a risk in letting someone get close enough to notice you.
So you decide that it's better to live unnoticed, because unnoticed means un-judged and un-judged
means unwounded and finally doesn’t unwounded mean whole?
If unwounded means whole then why do you feel so empty? Decrepit, broken, incomplete…?
All things you thought you'd be avoiding as long as you stayed out of the light.
I watch you passing life by believing with all your might that
Surely the effects of light would be harmful, revealing some hideous thing
And depositing it there in plain sight for all to see and point out and call
attention to,
Harmful like the sun on your pale skin - cancerous and malignant and ugly.

You don't remember all the other times you paused here under this tree
And noticed the ground where the light comes down and mingles with the shadows.
Piercing the gray with its yellow-orange beams until it shimmers and gleams,
Casting beautiful patterns dancing and playing, so carefree -
Shadows chasing the light, as if they're playing tag during afternoon recess
Light chasing the shadows until the two gracefully coalesce.
You glance up into the trees and see the light twinkling off the leaves
And you smile as you hear them tap-dancing in the breeze
As the leaves rustle together, clinking like rain on tin.
You always think it's perhaps the most perfect balance of shadow and light;
It's revealing but reveals nothing ugly, nothing shameful within.
It only reveals the beauty of what is really there, like a soft waltz in candlelight.
But that's just a tree and sunlight; you've always been convinced the same can't be true of you.
And you'd hurry on your way darting your eyes around to see if anyone noticed,
Noticed you there watching this simple miracle as if it were some rare unfolding lotus.
I watch you surviving this way and so often find my own heart breaking,
Breaking for you because don't you realize you're aching?
I watch you and always think how much more magnificent is the rainbow
With all its brilliant colors and how it gets its vibrant glow?
I watch you and now I am shedding light on you and the image couldn't be
clearer.
You forget that the most tragic result of being unnoticed is being unloved
And that in itself is the most cancerous and malignant and fatal of all; it's cancer of the soul.
I am close to you, I know you, I watch you in my mirror, just aching to be whole.
I watch you and pray with all my might,
I watch you and this time, this time you step into the light
Letting it shine with grace on your upturned face, revealing nothing ugly, nothing shameful within
Only revealing the magic of what’s really there – all that's meant to be seen, all you have to share.
Revealing protected truth, unveiling shrouded youth.
Pulling back your cloak, drawing up the blinds, opening the window to your soul
Let the fresh air in, breath of Heaven, one step closer to feeling whole.
Finally allowing someone the pleasure of bearing witness to the beauty of who you are:
From the clouds came rain drops in the sun, attracting and refracting light
Casting every perfect color, revealing every enchanting hue, a miracle so bright, all the splendid shades of you;
And beaming, tearing, piercing through the thick dark night, a northern
star.

06 June 2005

movies, thunder, boys and bands (NOT boy bands!)...

I saw Crash on Friday night - it was a great movie with a great cast! I was impressed by how real it was. I thought the makers did a great job of accurately portraying the misconceptions, judgements and racial stereotypes that people in general have and how at the end of the day no one (person, race, gender, class) is better than anyone else or worse than anyone else.

Saturday I went and had my hair done for the party that night. I was feeling lazy and didn't feel like straightening it myself since I always get hot when I use that flat-iron and my roommate doesn't believe in having the a/c on yet and it's 85 and HUMID as hell! But mostly I was just lazy! The girl that did my hair did a great job and she commented that my "hair is so healthy, it's gorgeous!" I was flattered! She told me that it had been a very long time since she had seen anyone in there with hair as healthy and as pretty as mine. Very nice to hear! It pays to not overdose on products and styles that dry hair out. All these years of not using hairspray and other alcohol-containing products is paying off! And I don't wash it every day which is, in fact, the best thing to do - or not do, whichever. So I went to the party looking fabulous and feeling fabulous!

It was an outdoor party and we all wondered when the sky would open up on us. We were under a tornado watch for 2 hours of it but the sky didn't seem very cloudy. So we were dancing the night away to the rhythms that the band was laying down. Then within 2 seconds the temperature dropped 15 degrees and we knew it would be any sec... Yep! There it goes! The faucets were turned on and we had a good shower - or power wash more like it. We all started grabbing the bands equipment and headed for safer ground - indoors! All that equipment was just begging for lightning to come and strike. But everything made it inside and all was well. We were then treated with my friend Chad's guitar-playing and singing everything from Bon Jovi's Wanted: Dead or Alive to The Eagles' Hotel California and everything in between! It was a perfect night! And my friend even met someone fabulous that night and they will be going out soon! YAY for her! I am jealous - but so happy!

Yesterday was my aunt's 50th surprise birthday party at my dad's! So fun! She had no idea and was so surprised! (I took all the directions with me so I could decorate my boss' office this morning because his 50th was last Friday and he didn't think we would do anything! HA!) Last night I went to Fusion, a Christian community through Heartland Community Church for 20-30 somethings to "build spiritual connections in a disconnected world." And then of course went to dinner with everyone and had a super-fantastic time chatting up the boy I have had a crush on for months - we've had an email relationship since, like, February or something. We're going camping and hiking in a couple weeks! YAY!

Great weekend!

02 June 2005

a funny thing happened on my way home from work last night...

On my way home from work last night I went to Best Buy last night to buy Ray Lamontagne's and Joss Stone's CDs. I ended up with those PLUS a CD titled Johnny Cash's 16 Biggest Hits. It was $5.99 and it's Johnny Cash, come on, you can't pass that up! So I take my purchases to the check out counter and the guy looks first at Joss Stone and says, "Oh we've been selling a lot of this. She must be pretty good." Then he moves on to Ray Lamontagne and makes no comment. When he gets to Johnny Cash he stops and thinks and says, "Johnny Cash eh? I have never heard of him. Is he any good?" I am not even kidding about this. I think I must have had this look on my face somewhere between disgust and horror and shock. I mean who hasn't heard of Johnny Cash? So then I ask, "How old are you?" "26," he says. Now I am even more shocked; that's only a little over a year younger than me. Where's this guy been hiding all those years when The Man in Black was still alive? Then he kinda gets all red because I think I would be embarassed if I hadn't heard of Johnny Cash. He tries to cover by coming up with, "Oh well, I think I have heard that one song he does. You know that one. The one that was really big. I don't know how it goes or the name of it. But I am pretty sure I have heard it." Uh-huh. Okay. Sure. That one, cause you know there was only ONE song that he did that was big and I am buying this cd now that has in big letters 16 Biggest Hits across the top. I didn't say that. But I sooo wanted to. I told him to buy the cd. I mean it's only $5.99 and I am sure he gets a discount.

I leave and drive home. I come to a stop light. The man in another lane and a little bit in front of me flings open his car door and comes stomping over to my window. He proceeds to yell at me for things I am not quite sure of. All I could think was I wonder if he knows that mullets and tapered stone-washed jeans are out. Way out! Like, at least 15 years ago out! Maybe it's a costume. That must be it. Oh - is that a doberman in his car? And is that his car door open? All the while, he's flailing his hands wildly literally screaming at me. Of course, everyone around us is staring. I still have no idea what his problem is. I think I remember hearing something about not stopping at a stop sign or something like that. There are NO stop signs anywhere on that stretch of road that I had just been on. The light turns green. I leave him there yelling at the wind. Now that I think about it I feel kinda bad but honestly I was scared! Really scared! I have never had anyone get out of their car and come yell at my car window before. I am sad for him because he has anger issues. Road rage issues. I had no idea if he had a knife or a gun hidden somewhere. And the doberman? Yeah. He left his car door open. I am surprised the dobey didn't come and bite my tires or something. SCARY! That's when I realize I left my phone at Best Buy. I wanted it just in case the guy came after me or something so I could dial 9-1-1 or 1-800-CRAZY!

I go back to Best Buy, get my phone and head for home thinking I will live happily ever after. Only I get the cd home and tear it open to put it in the cd player. That's when I discover that Johnny doesn't actually sing on the cd. At all. Not anywhere. It's one of those "tribute" cds. Nowhere on the outside of the cd does it say that - ANYWHERE! I looked. And then looked again to be sure. I feel misled. I feel cheated. It has Sheryl Crow, Bruce Springsteen, Dwight Yoakam, and a bunch of other people singing his songs. They're all great singers but it's not what I wanted. I thought I was getting a real bargain. Isn't that, like, false advertising or something?

01 June 2005

gmail invites...

I have gmail invites if anyone wants them. Leave me your email address.

a "head" of time...

Now, I love a good rainstorm, even the thunder. But when it leads to mornings like the one I have had I would rather do without.

So I will tell you what my morning thus far has consisted of. First, I woke at around 6am to feel rain coming in through the open window in my room. I closed my window and went back to sleep. Fast forward to 7:15 - a very loud crash of thunder bolted me out of bed just after my alarm clock fell off the little ledge where it sits above my bed and hit me in the head. Fifteen minutes later my roommate was knocking on my door telling me that the power had gone out and it was now 7:30. I rolled over and went back to sleep - okay, rest, not sleep. Another 15 minutes later I heard my roommate out in the garage rummaging around. I went out and showed her how to unlatch the garage door from the automatic opener so she could open it manually and then showed her how to relatch it. (I was a home-owner for a year and had the power go out a couple times. Good information to know by the way.) I am a good roommate. She was very thankful and went on her way to her coaching job. I showered in the dark, got dressed in the dark and brushed my teeth in the dark. Luckily, I do match today. And made it to work early - very, very early. I am tired and cranky and want to crawl back in bed and listen to the rain tap at my window all day. ~*~YAWN~*~

Keeping with my committment to try and find the blessing in everything - because there is one - here goes: 1) the thunderstorm and rain itself is a blessing for without it there would be no trees to provide shade on hot days, no grass to cover the hills we roll down, no flowers to pick and display in large vases; 2) my alarm clock did not hit me on my temple where it could have knocked me out; 3) my roommate is a blessing and the fact that she thought to come and wake me up so that I would not sleep all day is a blessing; 4) I still got to shower even though it was dark, thank God for hot running water; 5) I have a job to get ready for; and 6) I know that somewhere up there, up beyond those gray dense clouds hangs the sun waiting to come and save us from darkness - much like the Son hung behind those clouds all those years ago waiting to save us from darkness. Let it rain! Let Him Reign!