I have changed some settings on my blog. I was unaware how to prevent automated commenters from posting on my blog. I have figured it out after some crass remarks were posted. Please note that I neither welcome nor encourage crass remarks to be left on my blog.
The past couple days I have realized something - more like God has hit me over the head with something! I have been complaining a lot and not fully seeing ALL of the blessings he has given me. I have been complaining about no friends, no car, having a curfew, being broke, being homesick, being tired, being overwhelmed... just about everything under the sun. A couple days ago I looked around and thought, "What on earth do I have to complain about? I have a warm place to stay, tasty food to eat, a rad community of amazing people to live with, a chance to let God drown me in his love and grace and blessings, and the adventure I have always wanted! What more could one possibly want?" I felt humbled and ashamed and in awe all at once. Humbled because once again God has blessed me with so much that I don't deserve. Ashamed because once again I failed to recognize the blessings for what they are. And in awe because once again God has proved himself so faithful to me and I can't help but be in awe of him. He is so awesome.
Speaking of "awesome"... We underestimate the value and power of that word, I think. Webster defines awesome as expressive of awe: deeply reverent. Awe is defined as profound and reverent fear inspired by deity; abashed reverence and fear inspired by authority or power; veneration and latent fear inspired by something sacred, mysterious or morally impressive. Therefore, if we use that term to describe God should it, or can it even, be used to describe other things? I have to say that it can't accurately be used to describe something unholy, not sacred. How could something that refers to deity in the definition be tossed around with so many other things? It's like the word "love." So many people toss that word around - I love my shoes. I love her hair. I love my boyfriend even though I've only been out with him a few times. I know this subject has been covered before but I think we forget sometimes how powerful that word is. The word awesome is just as powerful and we forget that too.
We took part in the Eucharist tonight as a student body. We read I Corinthians 11 out of The Message before we approached the Lord's table. And then the pastor said, "This table is not a table for perfect people. It's a table full of grace. Perfect grace. Unexplained grace. But grace that could be unexplained could not, at the same time, be mysteriously holy." Perfect words.
Regarding this next item, I'm not at all pleased. I am getting the picture that when you meet together it brings out your worst side instead of your best! First, I get this report on your divisiveness, competing with and criticizing each other. I'm reluctant to believe it, but there it is. The best that can be said for it is that the testing process will bring truth into the open and confirm it.
And then I find that you bring your divisions to worship--you come together, and instead of eating the Lord's Supper, you bring in a lot of food from the outside and make pigs of yourselves. Some are left out, and go home hungry. Others have to be carried out, too drunk to walk. I can't believe it! Don't you have your own homes to eat and drink in? Why would you stoop to desecrating God's church? Why would you actually shame God's poor? I never would have believed you would stoop to this. And I'm not going to stand by and say nothing.
Let me go over with you again exactly what goes on in the Lord's Supper and why it is so centrally important. I received my instructions from the Master himself and passed them on to you. The Master, Jesus, on the night of his betrayal, took bread. Having given thanks, he broke it and said,
"This is my body, broken for you. Do this to remember me."
After supper, he did the same thing with the cup: "This cup is my blood, my new covenant with you. Each time you drink this cup, remember me."
What you must solemnly realize is that every time you eat this bread and every time you drink this cup, you reenact in your words and actions the death of the Master. You will be drawn back to this meal again and again until the Master returns. You must never let familiarity breed contempt.
Anyone who eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Master irreverently is like part of the crowd that jeered and spit on him at his death. Is that the kind of "remembrance" you want to be part of? Examine your motives, test your heart, come to this meal in holy awe.
If you give no thought (or worse, don't care) about the broken body of the Master when you eat and drink, you're running the risk of serious consequences. That's why so many of you even now are listless and sick, and others have gone to an early grave. If we get this straight now, we won't have to be straightened out later on. Better to be confronted by the Master now than to face a fiery confrontation later.
So, my friends, when you come together to the Lord's Table, be reverent and courteous with one another. If you're so hungry that you can't wait to be served, go home and get a sandwich. But by no means risk turning this Meal into an eating and drinking binge or a family squabble. It is a spiritual meal--a love feast.
Funny story... My friend and I were just remembering this so I figured I must share it with all of my Internet friends.
Last week, the whole school was getting our pictures taken: group shots and individual shots for the yearbook, etc... This was all happening at 8:15am mind you. I got up, showered, got ready and was out there on time. This marked the first time in 5 weeks I wasn't wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. I get my individual pic taken and then all the group shots. I go to class thinking everything is fine. The photog tracks me down later in the day and says, "We need to retake your picture." "Why?" I ask. "Because you look too white, can you look more native for me?" ..."Well, Sylviu (that's his name) I AM white; not native!" "Oh."
Ummm... was my ghostly pale skin and brown, not black, hair not clue enough? Here's your sign!
This weekend I went to Willow, AK with the girls from ACC and I don't know how many other women from Covenant churches all across the state. What a great weekend it was too!
Some of us shivered our little tushes off and taking part in the Polar Bear Plunge... One of our own, Cheryl Johnson jumped in 10 times! And her cousin Venessa, also one of our own, brought home the award for staying in the longest. I say they're both suicidal! That water was COLD - it knocked my breath clean out of me the first time I jumped in; and then I jumped in again because the first time I apparently froze a few brain cells.
We stayed up late doing stupid things, playing cards, and taking silly pictures...
We had communion...
and my favorite picture that I took this weekend...
And I took pictures of the fall foliage. I thought these turned out pretty good too...
We did something I have never done before but that I will have make a habit of doing from now on. We participated in Lectio (listening) Divina (divine, holy) - an ancient form of prayer that is usually practiced by monastics. It was phenomenal! I can't put it into words which I think is how God would want it. You should try it for yourself. I am certain my prayer experiences will be different from now on. Sorry, no pictures of this, it was way too personal.
And there were things we didn't do at all this weekend, like homework! Yeah, it's gonna be a late night tonight. I have a presentation to give tomorrow!
Pictures should be posted tomorrow. I am having problems with my cd that I saved them on but it should be resolved. I can't wait!
How do I view God? Do I get a clear picture of God? Or is my vision blocked by something - clouded by my past maybe? It is the longing of my heart to view him as the Father portrayed in my favorite story in the Bible: The Parable of the Prodigal Son. What an image of God that story portrays! A God who gives me the choice to leave and the choice to come back. A God who, upon my return, doesn't rebuke me or lecture me but instead throws a party in my honor. A God who lifts up his robe and essentially humiliates himself and runs to me when he sees me coming home. A God who, even after I have disgraced him, still loves me and calls me "daughter." I wish I could say that I view him that way; but if I were to be honest I am afraid I'd have to say that I don't have that picture - at least not completely. I think it's coming into focus but it's still a little foggy around the edges. I pray that everyone would see God this way for it's an accurate portrayal of who he is. This should be added to my prayer list.
Today in Old Testament class we debated about whether or not Heaven is perfect. This started by questioning whether God created a "perfect" world before the fall of man. God is perfect, infinite, boundary-less. I understand that. The professor then said that God cannot create another entity that is also perfect, not because he is not powerful enough but because he would just be re-creating himself and he would no longer be God. In terms of spaciality, he cannot create something that is also boundary-less like himself. I understand that too. Prof defined perfection as being without even the possibility of commiting sin. He seems to think that Heaven is not perfect. But since God must be separate from sin (holiness and evilness cannot exist on the same "plane") wouldn't Heaven have to be holy? Why would God create a dwelling place for himself that was NOT perfect? Isn't Heaven holy? And isn't holy synonomous with sacred, consecrated, divine, sanctified, and perfect?
Also, was Jesus not perfect? He was tempted so was therefore presented with the opportunity (possibility) to sin. By Prof's definition he is not perfect. My whole life I have believed Jesus to be the only perfect person to walk the earth - the only person to live and remain sinless.
This whole thing has rocked my world and belief system a little bit. So I ask you, I want to know what you think... Any thoughts?
At the request of a few of you I am updating my prayer request list from a few weeks ago.
1) My homework load is quite overwhelming - more than I bargained for actually. Pray that I keep my motivation up for the duration of the semester and that God would open my heart to teach me what I am here to learn in AND outside of the classroom.
2) That I would continue to build on the friendships I have made: to go deep and not just dwell on the surface where it's comfortable. To grow in Christ through relationships with other people.
3) The school is involved in a lawsuit right now. An organization called Freedom From Religion out of Wisconsin has a lawsuit against the government for giving us government funding. It goes back the whole separation of church and state thing. Pray for this one hard - this is HUGE!
4) Pray for my best friend Nida. She is a paramedic back in the Kansas City area and she has felt God's call to go to New Orleans or to Houston. She has been in touch with the Red Cross and has made some contacts. It looks like she will be leaving next week for either city.
5) My friend Amy is going through a life-change now too. Pray for her as she transitions out of her old job into a new one! I am so proud of you Amy!
6) This is always a hard one for me: Pray for funding. I am working some on campus to offset the cost of tuition, but not much. And because of the homework load and the different activities on campus and mission trips, etc I am not able to work off campus. Money is tight but God will provide!
7) Pray for my heart. I have noticed that when I get homesick or bored I sometimes withdraw from community a little bit. I am used to having a car and being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. Last night I was VERY frustrated with this and was going stir-crazy since campus is only so big and there's nothing to do. One can only play so many card games and surf the net for so long before intense boredom sets in.
It occurred to me today that if we are being saved from something, aren't we also being saved to something? To grace, to salvation through that grace, to eternal life, to the Trinity, to faith and to hope, to love.
I remember when I was little, before I asked Jesus to come into my heart and save me, I remember hearing about how we have to save ourselves from hellfire and damnation, from Satan and his demons, from sinfulness, from spending an eternity in a lake of fire, suffering, pain, hopelessness. I remember feeling how scared I was of all of that. I remember thinking, "Well, I better do something different because I don't want that kind of life! Who would?" And that is ultimately the reason I accepted Jesus as my Saviour. I was scared into it.
Now, imagine if I had heard that I was being invited into something beautiful, something sacred, holy and divine, something peaceful, a life full of hope and love everlasting. I would have responded out of desire rather than out of fear. I wouldn't have felt "forced" into it by being afraid of what I would experience if I didn't. It would have been because of an invitation rather than a damnation. Doesn't that sound so much more appealing?
I think this had something to do with why I struggled in my walk with God. No one ever explained to me what I was being offered except a life free from hell. But what was in its place? What was I holding onto? What was I supposed to look for? Or do?
Have other people felt this way? Do people who are hearing the salvation plan today hear only about those things from which they will be saved if they accept it? Are they being terrified into turning away? Or invited into something? Why is it that much more often we hear about hellfire and damnation rather than heaven and salvation?
Is this why I lived out of a place of fear for so long? I didn't know what it was to live out of a place of desire? I clung so hard to that fear thinking I would burn forever if I didn't. If I had clung to desire instead would my life be different? How would it be different?
Just some thoughts I've had today...
In doing my homework last night, I was reading one of my textbooks Worship is... What? and the author provoked in me much thought on the meaning of worship. Amos 5:21-23 says this:
I hate, I despise your religious feasts; I cannot stand your assemblies. Even though you bring Me burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them... Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps!"
...worship must originate from the heart, but it cannot be just heart. Worship that is heart alone is passive. However, worship that is action alone is not true worship. God wants heart and action. (Worship is... What?, page 27)
In a broad sense, worship is inseparable from and is an expression of life. It is not that man cannot live without worship, it is that he cannot TRULY live without worship... man was made to worship as surely as he was made to breathe... there is an inward craving for worship that cannot permanently be stilled. (Judson Cornwall, quoted by Don McMinn in The Practice of Praise)
The other night some of us went to the beach and had a bonfire and played around. I took pictures before my battery on my camera died. I knew there was a reason I used to think they were called "bond-fires." It seems that one needs a fire and some marshmallows on the ends of hangers and wide expanses of ocean and mountains as a backdrop in order to be inviting to others. But it worked so I am happy. It was a turning point in my experiences here so far. Now, I am not saying that we're all of a sudden one big happy, chummy family of best friends but at least I have people to talk to. We'll work on the one big happy, chummy family of best friends part.
Whether or not I should have been on that chilly beach so late at night with the way I have been feeling will remain unknown but I am willing to bet that I shouldn't have been. My doctor would have told me, "No way," I am sure. But then I wouldn't have had those moments with my new friends so I don't regret it. I was feeling better and I was also feeling the loneliness set in so I went. Today I am NOT feeling better, even after sleeping for 11 hours last night. Hopefully, one of these days (soon preferrably) I will be rid of the sinus pressure and phlegmy cough. I finally broke through the close-knit groups of friends that have known each other a long time in their little villages in the remote regions of this great state. It was hard to do with most of them having that much history together but I did it.
I missed you, my Internet friends. But I am back in living color. Hugs to all of you who have supported me in thought and prayer as I made this transition. I couldn't have done it without you but please continue to pray for me. I miss my friends and family from home terribly.
