green lumpy places...

Have you ever read something and had it just kind of hit you hard in the heart? Like it was written about you in a way? Or like the author had been following you around taking notes on your life without you knowing it? That's how I feel after reading Blue Like Jazz.

So much of what Donald Miller wrote resonated in a place deep within me. He challenged me, convicted me, inspired me, touched me, moved me. A lot of what he wrote opened my eyes to my own faith and now I am discontent with where I am.

I suppose if I were to be completely honest I would have to say that I need to make some changes. A. Lot. Of. Changes.

Mostly the book just made me sad. He talks about Jesus in a way that makes me think He's so real for him. I wish I had that. I mean, I know Jesus is real in my head you know. But I gotta believe it, experience that in my heart to make it true/authentic for me. I can't really explain it. It's not that I don't have a relationship with him because I do. I just... Oh, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. It's a little melancholia and lots of introspection.

He made me want to go to Portland and visit Imago Dei, his church. He made me want to go buy a homeless man a hamburger and have a conversation with him. He made me want to walk down the streets of downtown Anchorage stopping to have meaningful conversations with people along the way. He made me want to go live in the woods with hippies. He made me want to love the unloved. He made me want to go to Reed College. He made me want to set up a confession booth. He made me want to tithe. He made me want to love people through the eyes of Christ, to see them through the Cross.

When he wrote about being alone, it terrified me. It scared me because I could see a little of myself in that. He tells the story of an astronaut who has this suit that represses his need for food and water, keeping him alive. There's an accident and the astronaut is launched into space to orbit the earth. Everyone thinks the guy dies but he doesn't. No one comes to look for him. And so he orbits the earth, alive because of his self-sustaining space suit, for 53 years slowly going insane. And then he dies. "...this story is how he imagines hell, a place where a person is completely alone, without others and without God," he writes of the stories creator. On the next page he writes, "Stacy had delivers as accurate a description of a hell as could be calculated. And what is sad, what is very sad, is that we are proud people, and because we have sensitive egos and so many of us live our lives in front of our televisions, not having to deal with real people who might hurt us or offend us, we float along on our couches like astronauts moving aimlessly through the Milky Way, hardly interacting with other human beings at all." Those words got to me because I tend to be a "lonely" individual. I am introverted. I have my friends that I talk to and beyond that I don't talk much. This story convicted me because I realized that God made me for community. Authentic community. Not only that but I am to help create it, implement it. I have the perfect opportunity for this at school right now but I tend to be in my room reading or doing homework or watching movies when I could be building community with someone.

This morning I did have an awesome, authentic experience with Blassi, our student president. He's 24 going on 44 in some ways because he has been through so much already. We were supposed to have a S.A.L.T. meeting and only he and I showed up. So we spent the time talking, for 2 1/2 solid hours. It was wonderful. I got to know him more than I had all semester. He's a fierce man of God, with steady faith. I told him at the end, before praying for him, that I was so proud of him for beating the odds and for getting where he is today. I am so proud to call him, "Friend."

I need to have more experiences like that though, you know. I think this book lit a fire under my butt in so many ways. I just hope this feeling sticks with me and doesn't burn off with time.

I think this is my favorite line in the entire book: "...dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something... is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition." There are so many great insights in this book, it's hard to pick just one. There's another one in the chapter on change: "Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be and not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be... Do you know what I am talking about, about the green lumpy places?"

Little audible gasps could be heard in my room as I read this because it was like he was shining a light into the cave of my soul. All the little hidden things in there were being brought out into the light. Things that were hidden even from me. Cathartic. Expect changes in me.