in a bit of a funk...

This week has been hard for me. I am just in a contemplative place right now, doing a lot of soul searching. I would love to be out in the country somewhere alone for a few days or in the mountains where my heart feels most at peace but alas, I am here, in the city, at work. ~*SIGH*~

I am in a place of unrest. My soul feels weary. I feel without purpose. I shared this with my small group in an email yesterday and this is what one of them had to say to me:

Secondly, I know this is a hard struggle, seeing what God's vision is for us. I can certainly relate. What I think I would say is that when I struggle the most or feel the most stuck and immobile, then THAT is actually a real time of work that God is doing on you. Meaning, you are aware of this inertia now, and you are on the cusp, and it's really painful and He is working on you. It's a very tedious, painful thing, but there is no way to get through it but to GO THROUGH it. so, that sounds depressing doesn't it? but not really, because I think being aware of this is half the battle, and God has great plans in store for you. Ask Him for adventure. Ask Him for it!! He loves you like no other human on earth ever can or will, and yes, you are enough. He CREATED you; you are perfection to Him!!

I have heard it before and I know that she's right but lately it seems like these phases come more often and closer together. I just want to retreat and be with God and listen to him and sit on his lap and let him hold me. I feel distracted and unfocused.

I also read this today on YBMT:

Tom, what I've found... and this is just me - I don't really think what is happening to me is the answer for everyone (but I suspect it might be)... is that pure love is transforming my mind. Being free from fear and doubt is changing my mind. I see myself becoming caring and compassionate. My heart is filled with peace and love. As my mind changes, so do my actions. Coming from a perspective of pure love, everything we do, say, act... changes. If "sin" is what we do that harms ourselves, or others, then as we become more and more caring and loving, "sin" diminishes. It fades into the past of old self. It becomes less appealing, and has less power over us.

When I tried to do what I thought God would want me to do, all I really ended up doing was failing and growing in frustration. But giving up, and giving in to the love of Christ started me on a journey to an unbelievable life change. But, we can't give up until we fully trust, and we can't fully trust until we are free from fear and doubt. So, coming to understand the finished work of the cross, was the beginning of the process of transformation.

Fear only gets in the way of what God wants to do because it hampers trust. If we don't trust him completely, the sliver of control we hang onto interferes with the work of the spirit. It's hard to let go. It's hard to understand what seems so unbelievable. Perfect love really is hard to grasp. It's so outside of our way of thinking.

So anyway, I hope you can find my experience encouraging.

But if not, I'm sure Father will show you the way for yourself. As Moulder would say, "the truth is out there."

I know it obviously wasn't written for me but I feel like it was. I even told the author as much. It was exactly what I needed to hear at precisely this time of struggle.

While I do feel tired and weary right now I also feel somewhat at peace with what I am going through. I think that these times of wrestling with God and with where we are spiritually are very healthy times. I would actually be worried if I didn't go through these times. It tells me that I am not where I want to be. It shows me that I am growing in God. While it may not feel good now, I know it will eventually. To be able to look back on all the times I have struggled and wrestled and to say, "I made it through that and am better for it," is such a great feeling.

My heart is sighing.