the politics of love...

I started reading Walk On: The Spiritual Journey of U2, the New Edition by Steve Stockman and have already been gripped.

The Christian community seems to have confined its definitions of faith to various precise behavioral patterns and cliched statements of faith. In getting caught up in the minutia of behavorial codes that have had more to do with respectable middle-class behavior than biblical guidelines, many have been so obsessed with the cigar hanging out of Bono's mouth that they are missing the radical biblical agenda that has fired his life and work. (Chapter 1, page 3)

Surely one who smokes, drinks, swears, and wears leather pants can't claim to be a Christian and if he does claim that then we don't want to be associated with that kind of behavior. Why does the general population of Christians focus on such things? It's not really about behavioral codes and cliches. Isn't it really more about a relationship that has changed us on the inside and less about what we do, say, or how we look on the outside? While I myself no longer smoke, I have yet to find anywhere in the Bible that says smoking is sinful and that anyone who does it certainly does not know what it means to inhale Christ. I am sure that God prefers us not to smoke, it damages the body that he created for us, but also don't think he condemns us for it either. And drinking? Jesus himself turned water into wine. Drinking to drunkenness is sinful but if done in moderation, it's acceptable.

The idea of it being radical attracted U2. In any other city in the Western world, this kind of Christian behavior would have been seen as old-fashioned and almost nerdish. In any other city, Bono would have laughed at such middle-class, respectable, religious behavior. But in Dublin, this was radical stuff. To take Jesus seriously was far out. In some ways, Shalom was an out-there kind of gang on parallel lines with the Lypton Village gang. It wasn't as if one of them was dangerous and the other one safe. (Chapter 2, page 17)

For many years the band members said that their faith - not their rock 'n' roll lifestyle - was the real rebellion. In 1983, Bono told Rolling Stone: " I think that, ultimately, the group is totally rebellious because of our stance against what people accept as rebellion. The whole thing about rock stars driving cars into swimming pools - that's not rebellion... Rebellion starts at home, in your heart, in your refusal to compromise your beliefs and your values. I'm not interested in politics like people fighting back with sticks and stone, but in the politics of love." For this band, it was more rebellious to be reading Bibles in the back of the tour bus that it was to be doing drugs - a perspective on Christianity that was not a cultural norm. But being from a place where those with intense spiritual faith were the minority helped the band members grab hold of the radical edge of following Jesus. (Chapter 2, pages 17-18)

I love the thought of living out my relationship with God as though it were rebellious. I remember some of the rebellious things I did growing up: sneaking out of the house at night, smoking, studying boys rather than homework, making out endlessly (these things were all rebellious in the home that I grew up in). I also remember the fervor with which I did them. It was behavior that was highly frowned upon, if not even a little dangerous, which made doing them even more appealing to me. The reason we, or at least I, acted rebellious was to get attention, to get some sense of freedom in a home where I was sheltered, and to live life a little on the edge. Wouldn't it be radical if we lived out that kind of passion in our faith? To treat this life-changing relationship I have with God as though it were taboo and maybe a little edgy?

The guys in U2 have made their faith in Jesus Christ known. They have made it clear that though they have had feet in both camps of Ireland's denominational divide, they found a personal relationship with God outside of both. For two decades, U2 has seemed suspicious of any organized religion. The band members have believed their faith lived and thrived outside the narrow gates of religion. Bono once said, "I have this hunger in me... everywhere I look, I see the evidence of the Creator. But I don't see it as religion, which has cut my people in two. I don't see Jesus Christ as being any part of a religion. Religion to me is almost like when God leaves - and people devise a set of rules to fill the space."(Chapter 2, page 18)

This relationship that I have transcends any religious boundaries, rules, or denominations. Actually, there is a religion to it, it's simply the religion of God, worshipping God. Basic. Pure. Affecting. Wasn't Jesus just interested in the "politics of love," as Bono put it? His greatest commandments were on love: Love your neighbor as yourself; and love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

It seems to me I have a lot more to learn from Bono than just aspiring to write as honestly as he does and for an audience as big as his.

the great late debate...

Following the great date debate last night and the game of PIG, Anand and I went to my new house to drop off a carload of stuff that I was moving in. We unloaded the car, played a game of darts (he was upside down and still beat me), and then settled in for another debate - because it's what we do best. It's inevitable, every time we see each other we debate something: the definition of love and if you can still really say you love someone you haven't talked to or seen in years, whether of not you should go to the doctor for an injury, religion, dating, etc...

The topic last night, after dating, was on whether or not you should confront someone that you know is sinning. Actually, we both agreed that you should confront someone that you know is sinning but when is it appropriate and when is it not? We looked at Matthew 18:15-17. He reads the word "brother" in that passage to mean "just someone that you know, another person, everyone is your brother." I read the word "brother" to mean "someone that I am close to, someone I am in relationship with, be it a family member, a friend, or romantic partner; someone that I walk with and they walk with me, we talk consistently about spiritual matters and personal matters, keeping each other accountable."

I think it's very inappropriate to confront someone that you don't know on a more intimate level and tell them that something they are doing is wrong. I feel strongly about this because it's happened to me: a girl I knew only on a slightly-more-than-surface level at church approached me and said that I was sinning. She didn't know me, she hadn't been walking with me in my relationship with God, she had no idea where my heart was at that time, we hadn't spent any one-on-one time together. So as far as I am concerned she had no right to say what she said; it simply wasn't her business. My mind immediately went to the verse, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I felt judged. I felt condemned. I felt offended. Now, if a close friend of mine had said to me the same thing, I would give it merit and really consider their concern, and talk with them about it taking it very seriously.

Anand believes that we are responsible for making sure all our "brothers" (his definition of the word) are on track. I didn't bring up my personal experience last night because I didn't think of it until just now, but he would say that there's nothing wrong with what she did. He told me that he has confronted people that he hasn't spent any one-on-one time with about things that they were doing. He said that in most situations the person has come back to thank him. He also said that in Eastern cultures the word "brother" does mean another person. If you meet someone, a man, you would call them "brother" from then on; or a woman, you would call them "sister" from then on. If we were in India, where he's from, he would refer to my father (whom he met only once) as "uncle," or my sisters' husbands (whom he met only once) as "brothers." "North America and Europe (England, etc...) is the only culture that has misinterpreted the true meaning of the word 'brother,'" he argued. I don't doubt that that is true. I am sure that in other cultures it does mean what he says it means and that our culture is different from all the others. In our culture, the only one I have ever known, we have taken the word "brother" and given it new meaning that lies well within our own comfort zones.

He continued saying that when Christ walked the earth he would call people on their sin and are we not to endeavor to be Christ-like in all things? Jesus, being God incarnate, knew them, knew each person's heart, knew where they were and if they knew God. He called them to know God, or know Him deeper, by lovingly calling attention to their struggles in a non-threatening way. When he spoke, people changed. When he spoke, things were vastly different than they were before. Even the wind and the waves couldn't ignore what he said when he spoke.

We both are very passionate people and can debate for hours about things. After maybe an hour and a half of going round and round on this (it was at that time almost midnight), I told him that he wouldn't change my mind on this and that I needed to go to bed. It wasn't that he was right or wrong, or that I was right or wrong, we both agreed that we are called to point out areas of sinfulness to our "brothers." But we had to agree to respectfully disagree on exactly WHO our "brothers" are in this situation. We embraced and parted ways for the night.

Wouldn't you feel judged or condemned if someone you barely knew pointed out your faults and the areas of sinfulness in your life? What are your thoughts on THIS issue?

the great date debate...

My friend Anand is in town and last night he made dinner for his friend Sam and me - an authentic Indian dish. It was the first time (and maybe the last time?) I ever ate with my hands and didn't get scolded by my parents like I did when I was little. I had forgotten that they eat with their hands in India. Now, I am sure that flashbacks to the scene in the movie Along Came Polly, where Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston go out for Indian food and Ben's character starts sweating and having stomach issues are thundering through your head now, right? It wasn't like that at all. It was very good food and fun to eat too, if not a little messy!

The three of us got into a debate about the definition of dating. Sam and I agreed that if you go on one date (spending time together understanding that there's a mutual interest in getting to know each other beyond friendship) then you're dating. When you become exclusive with that person, you're boyfriend/girlfriend. You could be dating a few different people at one time until you and one of your "dates" has decided you'd like to be exclusive and not date anyone else. Anand disagreed with this and said that one date seems a little early to say that you're dating someone. I argued, "If you jump, what are you doing? You're jumping. If you go out on a date, what are you doing? You're dating." It's pure logic. Now, I agree that one date would be too early to call that person my boyfriend, but I did go out on a date with that person so I am technically dating him until one or both of us decides that it wouldn't work out between us. Also, there's a big difference between dating and "hanging out" with a friend of the opposite sex. There's a certain tension on a date that is not present when you're just hanging out, even if you have hung out with that person before. There's an entirely different feel, a very different mood to it, a mood that's thick with expectations and unknowing.

At the end of the night, Sam and I decided that we are now dating (not really but it got Anand worked up because he'd been feeling left out all night with Sam and I agreeing on everything). And then I played my first game of PIG with them on the basketball court in the backyard. I lost. Of course.

So I ask you, my imaginary internet friends... What do YOU think? Any thoughts on the matter?

hear in the silence...

this flowed from my heart out through my fingertips to you tonight.


listening in the loud silences for you
listening here for you to speak to me.
and also hoping you will hear me in this silence
hear what i am saying by saying nothing at all -
an offering of nothing because in this moment
it is all i have to give.
my sinfulness bleeds from me in pools of red
bleeds in puddles around your feet,
and pools where you bled.
staining this piece of holy ground,
this small space of sacred that i have found.
but i look up, daring to show my face.
only i see you weeping,
weeping tears of grace
falling down like rain
and like before i find again
your tears have washed away the stain.
breaking out of myself
begging to be rescued.
asking you to soften my edges just a little,
round out my sharp corners,
erase these unsightly blemishes,
and give me a believing heart.
i hear myself breaking this silence
asking you to:
write my life, be my author.
paint my life, be my artist.
romance my life, be my lover.
bring rhythm to my life, be my music.
breathe my life, be my air.
refine my life, be my fire.
quench my life, be my water.
grow my life, be my ground.
when i am lost, be my found.
live my life, be my life.
consume my life, be my everything.

beginning to discover the secret of a man's soul...

So, since my book group has finished Captivating (a book that inspired many of my posts), we are now reading Wild at Heart, basically the same book written for men and I imagine this will be the first of many posts inspired by the book.

Most men think they are simply here on earth to kill time - and it's killing them. But the truth is precisely the opposite. The secret longing of your heart, whether it's to build a boat and sail it, to write a symphony and play it, to plant a field and care for it - those are the things you were made to do. That's what you're here for. Explore, build, conquer - you don't have to tell a boy to do those things for the simple reason that it is his purpose. But it's going to take risk, and danger, and there's the catch. Are we willing to live with the level of risk God invites us to? Something inside us hesitates. (Chapter 3, page 49, author's emphasis)

Although this book was written for a male audience, I was spoken to in this passage. I know the longings of my heart, to live in Colorado; to attend Bible college; to be in ministry in some capacity or to hold a "relational" position; to take off and hike the Appalachian trail; to be a hiking trail guide in Alaska or somewhere in the wilderness; to draw so close to God that I hear someone say of my life, "She was Christ personified," or, "She made God seem so real to me and brought him down to a level of understanding that I have never previously experienced"; to hear some of my lyrics on the radio one day being sung by someone - or to at least have music written for some of them. These are just some of the longings of my heart. I was just emailing a friend of mine, over at freewriter, today about some of these desires and how I live out of fear and don't take the risk that is required of me to pursue those desires. Just within the last few months (since I started reading Seizing Your Divine Moment and Captivating and now this book) I have begun to feel that those specific desires have been placed there by God and for a specific purpose. I was designed with those desires. Am I willing to live with the level of risk God invites me to? I want desperately to be able to shout a resounding, "YES!" But have I in the past lived out my life that way. I honestly have to mumble out a puny, "no." Have I been disobedient in not living out my life with that level of risk? I don't know. Maybe I have because I have felt the call to do all of these things for years now and have not moved, I have neglected to act on those desires and that call in my life. But then maybe not because I have lacked the resources (financial, contacts, etc...) to live out those things or have convinced myself that surely I can be used here in some way or I tell myself that once I leave town some tragedy will happen within my family or group of friends and I won't be here. I haven't had money to go to Bible college or to just up and move to Colorado. But then, aren't those just excuses? Just me living out of fear? I hate to say it but I think I have to answer, "Yes." They are excuses and I have used them as crutches to support the weight of the fact that I am still here, in Kansas, not attending Bible college, working in a career that, while it pays well, is unfulfilling and highly unsatisfying, and not answering the call of the wild.

This is every man's deepest fear: to be exposed, to be found out, to be discovered as an impostor, and not really a man. The dream has nothing to do with acting; that's just the context for my fear. You have yours. A man bears the image of God in his strength, not so much physically but soulfully. Regardless of whether or not he knows the biblical account, if there's one thing a man does know he knows he is made to come through. Yet he wonders... Can I? Will I? When the going gets rough, when it really matters, will he pull it off? For years my soul lived in this turmoil. I'd often wake in the morning with an anxiousness that had no immediate source. My stomach was frequently tied in knots. One day my dear friend Brent asked, "What do you do now that you don't act anymore?" I realized at that moment that my whole life felt like a performance, like I am always "on." I felt in every situation that I must prove myself again. After I spoke or taught a class, I'd hang on what others would say, hoping they would say it went well. Each counseling session felt like a new test: Can I come through, again? Was my last success all that I had? (Chapter 3, pages 45-46, author's emphasis)

..."I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid" (Genesis 3:10). You don't need a course in psychology to understand men. Understand that verse, let its implications sink in, and the men around you will suddenly come into focus. We are hiding, every last one of us. Well aware that we, too, are not what we were meant to be, desperately afraid of exposure, terrified of being seen for what we are and are not, we have run off into the bushes. We hide in our offices, at the gym, behind the newspaper and mostly behind our personality. Most of what you encounter when you meet a man is a facade, an elaborate fig leaf, a brilliant disguise. (Chapter 3, page 52, author's emphasis)

Again, although the target audience was male readers, that doesn't mean that we females can't relate to this. I see evidence of this in my own life. I don't want Joe Blow to know that I sometimes spend beyond my means until I run out of money before the end of the month, or that I still get confused and frustrated when balancing my checkbook or that I sometimes (read most of the time) don't even attempt this mundane and seemingly pointless task. I don't want Janey Jones to see that I am afraid of rejection so I sometimes withdraw from groups or won't put my two cents in within conversations. I don't want to be found out. I don't want the fact that I may not be who people think I should be, who they want me to be, or expect me to be, to be exposed. I think we all live with masks. My book group's leader, a male, shared tonight that he felt this way, that incessant fear, up until about a year ago when he met his now fiancee. He says that the idea of knowing someone is there and that they know you don't have it all together and that they will be there to love you in the place of your not-all-togetherness is incredibly freeing.

I think that people are perfectly flawed or flawlessly imperfect. There's beauty in those little imperfections and even greater beauty in being authentic and vulnerable enough to risk revealing those imperfections to the people in our lives and letting them love us in those areas.

At the risk of getting a little personal I pose this question: are you guys hiding? do you guys feel this? Do you see evidence of it in your own lives? Do you feel an overwhelming fear of being found out, of the truth that you're not a real man or that you're not "what you should be" being exposed one day? Or can you honestly say that you live your life authentically in every way or that you at least try to, or make a decent effort at living that way? Do you have a small group of guys that you can talk to, I mean really talk to and share with them authentically?

This book is already chock full of profound insights and thoughts to keep my mind and heart thinking and praying and feeling and molling over for days, weeks, months even. These are just a few of the immediate thoughts I have had. I challenge all the men reading this to get this book and read it, immerse yourself in it wholly, let what John Eldredge says simmer in your soul. Get a small group of close friends and maybe read it together and talk about these things. As a woman, I see a shortage of real, authentic men out there - or a shortage of men who at least want to be authentic. Having the desire to be intentional and authentic in relationships is the best place to start from.

I simply L-O-V-E this book and am sure I will return to it again and again and again as with Captivating!

be my... gatorade?

why? why do you do that? why do you look at me like that, like we're the only two people on earth? why do you let your hand linger just a little too long when we're high-fiving? or when you greet me why do you let our embraces last just a little longer than you do with others? why are you always asking me if i have any plans? if you're scared, you should know that i am too; but all of love is risk. i want to be able to call you in the middle of the night when i have had a bad dream and have your voice be my comfort. i want to be able to reach out for your hand and hold to it tightly like a lifeline. i want to go to church with you and sit within the circle of your arm around my shoulders while we worship together. i want the halo of your smile to hang over me and for the midnight of your eyes to be my lake that i swim in. i want the shadow of your love to be my reprieve when the sun's heat is too intense. when it's cold, i want the fire in your heart to be my warmth. i want your laughter to be the music to which I dance. and when i am thirsty, i want your kisses to be a bottomless drink of cold water. no, gatorade! gatorade always does more for me, hydrates me more than water, always makes me feel better regardless of how i felt beforehand. i want you to be my gatorade. refreshing. cool. quenching. i wish you would just talk to me, tell me what you're feeling if anything. and if you're not feeling anything then don't do those things anymore. just ask me out already if that's what you want. i have been waiting for 10 months thinking you would do it. then when you don't, i always think it will be the next time i see you. i want you to know that i would say, "yes" if you did.

bored at work...

Keep in mind that it's not that I don't have anything to do. Because I do; believe me, there's plenty to be done. Seems I am just lacking the motivation to do it at the moment. And I am aching for a digital camera. I thought my dad was going to get me one for my birthday but that was over a month ago and I still don't have one. I suppose it's time for me to suck it up and by myself one, eh? These are some shots of my desk at work taken with my LG Camera Phone. Of course, I realize that had these been taken with a digital the images would be a lot crisper and it would make for much better shots but, like I said, I am bored and when I am bored I find whatever it takes to entertain myself. So for boredom's sake...

My Windows Media Player is set to this skin when I play music. It all changes colors and it's really kind of cool - especially when you're in the state I am in. The state of boredom. It's actually kind of hypnotizing. "Ooooh - look at all the pretty colors..."

some cd covers...



r.e.m. (up), howie day (stop all the world now), glen phillips (abulum), jonny lang (wander this world), journey (greatest hits), u2 (how to dismantle an atomic bomb, toad the wet sprocket (p.s. - greatest hits), def leppard (a random collection of songs)



and other stuff...

this weekend i...

1 - drank lots of beer while laying in the hammock and listening to the creek, even though it was unbearably hot out my backyard is shaded by big, beautiful, wonderful shade trees and has a creek running through it
2 - speculated last night with Nida, my best friend and roommate, if in another 15 years we will still be sitting on that couch watching tv in the middle of the night and decided that she will have girls and I will have boys and our kids will marry each other one day.
3 - wore myself out galavanting all over Nebraska Furniture Mart yesterday. My good friend Lindsey, a perfectionist, is redecorating her house and we were picking out fabric. She found the fabric she wanted but couldn't find a couch she liked to put the fabric on. It was a massive 5-hour ordeal.
4 - shared my heart with my best friend and talked about each other's butts
5 - tried one of Applebees' new Irresist-a-bowls. The Steak Teriyaki bowl was UBER-YUMMY!
6 - stayed up well past 1am every night and slept well past 10 every morning

7 - felt totally humiliated when I called an old friend and he didn't remember me

8 - read the last HALF of The Devil Wears Prada on Friday night and later discovered it's going to be a movie starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep as "the devil" boss

9 - watched hours of HGTV and TLC

10 - moved

11 - sold my coffee table to my old roommate

12 - watched The Transporter... again and The Aviator for the first time and wasn't all that impressed
13 - put oil in my car
14 - met a guy who has my name, CJ

It was a full weekend but I wouldn't have changed a thing - except maybe the getting humiliated part!

what do you daydream about?

I had lunch with my friend Jon today. He's getting ready to leave tomorrow for Hungary for 17 days. He will spend his time drinking Hungarian wine, playing chess, and smoking clove ciggys on the balcony of the apartment he'll be living in. He'll also being paying a visit to Transylvania at some point. Upon arriving back in the states he's having an "alien party." He's going to mow crop circles in his grass and everyone will make those hats from the movie Signs out of tin foil, and we'll sit around drinking beer and watching alien movies all night long.

Anyhow, now that you have a little "background information" on his personality, as we were wrapping up lunch he posed this question: "When have you felt most scared while in the city?" I told him about the 4th of July driving back from Royals Stadium we took the back roads through the ghetto. 5 white, middle-class, single people, in a tricked out white Suburban, bass thumping loudly, in the middle of the night. Clearly we were in the wrong neighborhood. I wasn't really scared that night and I don't know if I ever have been really scared.

He said that he hadn't either but then said this: "I would like to get mugged though. I'd like to be held at gunpoint and demanded that I fork over my wallet. I just think it's something that someone like me should experience. Or I want to walk out of work one day and just get shot in the arm. Yeah, I would take a bullet and then sue the building's security for $100K."

Of course, I am staring at him in disbelief through all of this. And then he says, "Is that weird? Is it weird that I daydream about getting shot in the arm?"

Ummm... well... Most other friends of mine daydream just about the money and leave out the getting shot part. He's a strange one but he's just so damn fun and interesting to be around. Ya just gotta love him... You can't help it! *_*

"love kills, tears you right apart..."

That's a line from the song Love Kills by Queen.

"I think sometimes you love someone so much, you have to be numb to it... because if you actually felt how much you loved them, it would kill you." ~ This is a quote from the movie Riding in Cars With Boys, which I saw last night. I had seen it before but this line stood out to me last night. I wonder if that is true. I wonder if I don't fully experience the extent of the love I have for certain people: family, friends, etc... But isn't that a part of what love really is? I mean, if you love someone, wouldn't you want to die for them, lay down your life for them in order to save them?

I will say this though, I am so glad that Jesus wasn't numb to it - he felt every single moment, every single ounce of love that he had for us. Especially the last 12 hours of his life when he actually did die because of that love. His love for us tore him apart and nailed him to a tree. Unconditional. Beautiful. Perfect. Sacrificial.

fading into you...

This is something that has been milling around in the corners of my mind and heart for a couple days now. And because it's keeping me awake I figured I had better hammer it out before I lose it. It must be stirring in me for a reason...

Here I kneel with upturned hands
At the place where mansions used to stand.
Broken pieces of my life lie shattered
At your feet, as though they mattered.
But I suppose they did in some small way
Things I helplessly clung to every day.
But I am beginning to notice tiny little pieces of me
They're starting to disappear and I begin to see
A little more of you in me.
Fading into you
Melting into something more
Becoming new
No turning back to the one I was before.
Here I swim, frantic, with upturned hands
Begging you to raise me up, set my feet on land
'Cause right now I'm not sure I can do it on my own
And I need your help, for fear I might drown.
If I just had a little more faith I could walk on water
Or be worthy enough for you to call me, "Daughter."
But I hear you telling me my mustard seed faith
Is enough to crown me with your grace.
And I begin to see a little more of you in me.
Fading into you
Now standing firm on solid, holy ground
With faith renewed
Where tides of shame and guilt cannot be found.
Here I stand, praising, with upturned hands
With a loud voice I sing and healthy legs I dance.
It's a song we sing of my life,
The composition gracefully unfolds
Revealing notes of purest crystal and a silvery gold.
You're singing melody in this, a luminous duet
With me on harmony in what's the first of many sets
Of songs that flood my heart and shine glory on my face;
The rhythm of your love moves me in this place
And I begin to see a little more of you in me.
Fading into you
Crying out, almost bleeding songs of praise
Dancing into life anew
A life made possible only by your grace.

upper room...

You've probably realized by now that when I don't have much to report I will post one of my writings. Today is one of those days...

Meet me here
Hear my prayers
Draw me near
Become my air.
I've come here to meet with you,
To lay my burdens at your feet.
Humble and broken, make me new.
Refiner's fire, burning deep.
You've placed in me a burning flame;
Fan the fire, spread it wide.
Pour in your grace and drown the shame.
I'm asking you to come inside
Come and fill the emptiness in me
Until all that's left is your name glorified,
Until all you see is your image in me.
I've come into the Upper Room
To fellowship with you,
Have you wash my feet, my hands and my heart too.
To partake of the bread and the wine,
The body divine.
I've come to be intimate with you,
To be in relationship with you.
Find me, forgive me, guide me, reach me.
Fill me, use me, mold me, teach me;
So that I may go and tell the world of death defied
And rejoice with you when we find your kingdom multiplied.

ALL the world's an altar, holy ground. My upper room is everywhere. No place is off limits for meeting with my Lord: not work, not the movies, not in the shower, and not in the middle of the street!
Unfortunately a couple of the disks that I have some of my poetry on aren't working - they have been infected with some sort of virus - so I can't get to some of them. POOP! I don't know what to do because I wasn't wise enough to save them anywhere else!

reunion rehashed...

(This is probably going to be long. Consider yourself warned.)

Reunion activities started around 5pm Saturday night for Nida and I as we frantically searched for something to wear. I had brought over a bunch of outfits from my place (as I am not moved in yet) to have her help me pick something. We both said that we hadn't expected it to be that difficult and actually seriously considered going nekkid and I considered not going at all. I was surprised by the amount of pressure I felt to dress for people I hadn't seen in 10 years. We had planned on being at Nicole Cromer's at around 6ish that night to carpool and get there around 6:45ish or so (because you know it goes against party protocol to actually show up on time). So at around 6:30 I called Cromer to see if she could meet us at MY place instead. I had to go there to get a different shirt to match the skirt that I ended up borrowing from Nida. Needless to say, it was, I think, after 7:30 before we made it there which was impeccable timing in my opinion - right after the group picture was taken!

It was VERY surreal at first - it was really strange, I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it was surreal. It was sad to me that 10 years ago we could talk to each other fine without the aid of any substance but now, it seemed, that everyone had to have a little help in fluid form before talking to each other. I don't know why I was suprised to see that people were already drunk. The first group of people we saw were the smokers, standing outside, blocking everyone's path as they came in, blowing smoke in your face so that you would already smell like an ashtray and wouldn't have that to look forward to for later. This group included the girl I like to call "the Class Diva." And she is. She hasn't changed a bit in 10 years except maybe a few extra pounds.

We proceeded inside and paid our $60 and made our way to the bar first to get a little courage and then began talking to the various people that we wanted to talk to. Anne Ferraro - who still looks amazing and is so sweet; Monica Grey - who is beautiful and has managed to avoid ALL those layoffs at Sprint; Heather Boyd - still tiny after having multiple kids; Eric Johnson - the class president (the rumors I had heard were NOT true); Curtis Hunt - who looks different but not in a bad way and I found out was married by the guy that brought my church's founding pastor to Christ; Amy Carpenter - who is still so sweet and so cute and has the cutest, sweetest boyfriend ever; Renee Donaho - who changed dramatically and looks FANTASTIC! (you GO girl!); Josh McKenna and Rachel Walker who have managed to stay together all these years and are married now - and still adorable; Joanna Pickering - who had a very fabulous strapless dress on and some classy black and white shoes, and who has also had the unfortunate experience of living behind our choir teacher from sophomore year. We got a new choir teacher after she "broke down" so to speak.

The DJ was playing music from our era and it was fun to see everyone bust out all the old moves - and some fun, interesting new ones too that I had never seen before and probably won't again!

We began making our way to the restroom and that's when I saw them. The twins. The gorgeous, hot, sweet twins. David and Charles. They look exactly the same as they did then, EXACTLY, and still look exactly like each other too. One of them is still here in KC (David) and the other is in LA (Charles). I actually had run into David a couple years ago at the Velvet Dog and spent some talking to him then. I looked different two years ago. I was a size 6 at the time. He didn't remember running into me back then.

I looked for people I wanted to see but that didn't show up. John Shephard - one of the class clowns and also someone I went to church with, who I went out with after graduation and was really NOT a good kisser; Brandon Stewart - one of my crushes who I found out post-graduation that he had had a crush on me too, and also the creator of my nickname "Ghost" along with various other nicknames that I won't share; Nick Heim - another class clown; Casey McAdams - whose favorite phrase was "It's a farce! A FARCE, I say!"; Jill Ruf - who was a friend, fellow Latin classmate, and co-worker at Amarillo Grill junior year, then she started dating Brandon and we unfortunately grew apart; Jeremy Guthrie - my BIGGEST high school crush, but he was dating someone. We were practically best friends. We would sneak out together for lunch in his sports car and sometimes just skip fifth hour entirely. And he would carry my books and hold my hand and walk me to English class, planting a kiss on my cheek before I went in. I adored him. Then Spring Break senior year we were all partying at Nida's because her mom was out of town. He pulled up in the driveway. I asked where his girlfriend was and he said that she was with her sister or something. And then it happened. He leaned in and kissed me. On the lips. It was quick and sweet and then it was over. Just a quick peck and he pulled away and just looked at me. I leaned in for more and he said, "I can't do this," and walked away. Later that night we fell asleep on the coach and I woke up with his arms around me. Nothing ever happened again after that. I thought he was the best thing to walk the earth. I wish he had been there Saturday. He was, for certain, the one person I wanted to see the most.

I made my way back to the bar for my, I don't know, 3rd beer of the night and ran into Dean Hopkins and his adorable, sweet girlfriend Lynne. Dean said that he wants to be able to support her before they get married, that he just wants to be able to take care of her and their family. She smiled sweetly and said, "How many times do I have to tell you that doesn't matter to me honey? I love you regardless of the money you make. You're doing what you love (he's a musician) and we're together and that's what matters to me. I love you. Period. Not your money." The best part - I could tell they were sincere and happy and deeply in love. It was one of the sweetest things I have witnessed outside a movie. Actually, it was BETTER than a movie because it was real. I didn't know those things actually happened in real life. It filled my heart with hope.

And then I spied Jason Catlett from a few feet away. His shoulder-length blonde hair was gone and he had a baseball cap on and looked so cute. We hugged and started talking and he fidgeted with his sleeve and it was adorable. He's a post man in Gardner - or he lives in Gardner and works in Paola actually. He's quiet and reserved and kind of shy but still a lot of fun. Not too quiet to be creepy though, just quiet enough to be endearing and charming. We spent the rest of our time at the Reunion talking and he would place his hand in the small of my back and lean in. It was nice, something I haven't been accustomed to for a while.

Then someone bought me a shot of Tequila. I don't remember who it was unfortunately. Was it Beezley maybe? Oh, I don't know. I always forget if you do the salt, then shot, then lime or the lime, then shot, then salt. After having it clarified that you do the salt first, we drank to the next 10 years.

It was getting late (11ish maybe?) and Nicole wanted to go and meet up with her boyfriend Sean. We had decided on the Grandfalloon and started spreading the word but it seemed everyone else was already going to Buzzard Beach - this whole in the wall place that kinda gives me the creeps. But it was within walking distance so we decided to join them. Westport is set up now so that all the streets are closed to traffic and you have to show your I.D. and pay $1 and wear a bracelet to actually even get in to Westport itself. The cops man these gates. We all got in without a hitch - even Nida who was using an expired license. We walked to "The Buzz" and Cromer and I passed. And Nida was not allowed. The bouncer refused to let her in on an expired license - even after the COPS had just let her in. Some debating ensued and then another bouncer (who really had no business butting in) walked by and said, "Why do you have to be such a beligerent bitch about it?" Let's just say in 14 years I have never seen Nida like that. EVER! She wasn't being beligerent at all. Until he said that. We called Catlett and told him the scoop and said we were heading to Kelly's instead. Everyone got in without any problems, Nida included. We didn't stay long before deciding to head across the street to McCoy's - "a single-minded establishment" as their slogan goes. On our way we spotted the three cops in the middle of the street. Cromer and Nida and I decided it would be a good idea to get our picture taken with them and we chatted for a while with them: Alex, "Boston", and some other cop. Then they had a call and had to go but said to find them before we left. We went to McCoy's for a few minutes, got NO service and decided to go back to Kelly's when Cromer and Sean went home. This is where we stayed until closing.

We ran into Andy Fray (when I first met him that night I thought he said Andy Dufrane as in Andy Dufrane from The Shawshank Redemption in which Tim Robbins plays Andy Dufrane, a guy who is wrongly convicted of the murder of his wife and spends time in prison then is released after the truth is revealed years later. Great movie!) who was SMS Class of '97, who also apparently knew Nida but she had no recollection of him whatsoever. He even knew some details of her life which at first was kind of creepy and then she remembered. He was friends with her British friend Claire and her boyfriend Zach. So the four of us, Catlett, me, Nida and Andy hung out, drinking and catching up. I went to the bar to order another round and I met Tyson, this interesting cowboy-type guy from Dodge City who was obviously drunk and very desperate to go home with someone, and who was apparently there alone. He asked me, before even asking my name, if I had a boyfriend. When I said that I didn't, he of course was shocked and stunned and said he was amazed that no one was rocking my world every night. He then demanded that I introduce him to my friends. Then some girl came and said some very dirty things to him, things I heard but won't repeat, and that was that, he disappeared - for a while anyway. Apparently she was too much talk for him and not following through so he came back. Found another girl who was also too much talk and came back again - like what was I? The backup or something? Not that I was even remotely interested but I am still smart. I could read right through his actions. Eventually he went home alone. Over the course of the night I discovered that Catlett has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who is 20. As in years old. As in 8 years younger and not even old enough to drink. As in just two years out of high school. He himself didn't seem too happy about this arrangement. They had only been together a couple months and he didn't seem particularly attached to her.

Before we knew it, "Last Call" came and it was 3am and the place was shutting down for the night/morning/whatever. Catlett and I agreed that we should get together sometime soon - maybe in a group: Beezley, Geoff Machen, Nida, me, him, maybe some others... I said that I would call him soon. We hugged and he went to meet up with his crew. The fact that he left his friends at "the Buzz" to come and hang out with US said something to me. I was amazed that he would do that because, well... guys just don't do that - leave his friends (and everyone else - because everyone else at reunion still went to "the Buzz") to go hang out with some girls he hasn't seen in 10 years, when he has a girlfriend? It just doesn't happen.

We found Alex the cop again. He asked for Nida's number and basically said that he wants to take her out. He was hot. And I was jealous! I keep asking her to share the wealth but she is beautiful! Alex said that we should find "Boston" before we left. "Boston" is from Boston and because I never got his name, that's what I call him. He's been here 5 years in KC and loves it but is moving back, I guess! I told him I am planning on taking a trip to the Northeast sometime because I have never been. I told him it would of course be sometime in the Fall (not this year) when the leaves are changing and it's beautiful. He agreed that that would be the best time to go. He said that I should look him up. It didn't occur to me until later that I didn't get his name because I am sure he won't be listed under "Boston."

So... the verdict: I am really glad that I decided to go. I wasn't going to. A week ago I had made up my mind not to. And then I changed my mind. I thought, "You know, I probably won't go to another one after this so why not?" I am THRILLED that I did. PEOPLE ACTUALLY WEREN'T ASSHOLES (except that stupid bouncer)! People changed - even the "JoCo" thoroughbreds! And people didn't really make fools of themselves either. Of course, we weren't at "the Buzz" so I don't really know for a fact that no one made fools of themselves.

We got home around 4am and STILL got up for church the next morning! I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would either - even though I smelled like an ashtray probably which is always nice. They should bottle that. Really. Upon waking up I discovered that I have bruises on my feet from the shoes I was wearing. On the TOPS of my feet. In that place where wearing ANY shoe proves to painfully uncomfortable. Slippers? Nope. Flipflops? Ouch. Crocs? Owie. The price we pay for beauty, I suppose...

I don't have pictures unfortunately. I will have to get them from Nida. When I do I will post them. Including the pic of us with the cops.

i can't get no "satisfication..."

Last night a few of us (Rader, Grady, Nida and I) were driving to Crown Center for the Free Friday Night Movie (this week it was Top Gun and next week is The Princess Bride). Basically they show a movie outside on a big screen and everyone brings lawn chairs and blankets and food and beverages of all kinds and just chills out. Anyhow, on the way down Grady was talking about how he's not really sure what the future holds for him right now. He knows he's being called to something but doesn't know what that is and feels he has a higher purpose but it's been eluding him so far. I got the feeling he was saying he felt like it was just beyond his reach and if he just had that magic key or some divine encounter it would all just come to him glowing like the sun and he would just know that it was right. I said that I could relate because I feel I am called into ministry in some capacity but don't know what avenue to take to get there and said it's frustrating knowing the direction I want to go and knowing what I want and not being able to just get it. This is when Rader coined the term "satisfication" - obviously it's a cross between gratification and satisfaction. I think what he meant to say was "instant gratifiction" is elusive. We continued the discussion and we all agreed that we should never feel satisfied with where we are and if we do, then there's obviously something wrong with where we are. This kind of all leads back to Monday's entry when I posted about the sermon the day before and how we are to "Love God and do what we want." I still have a hard time really grasping that idea. The Bible says we are each designed for a specific purpose, we each have a special part to contribute. I just want to know what my part is, 'cause meanwhile I can't get no satisfication.

Later, that same night, we went to Charlie Hoopers in Brookside where Jim and I got our butts beat in shuffleboard by Nida and Shea. As we were leaving we had fun pushing random people around in a shopping cart.

I need to get moving. I am moving in with my best friend, Nida - well, it's her mom's house really but her mom's in D.C. for at least a year, probably longer, for work. I am feeling really lazy though because it's 12:48 in the afternoon and it's already 97 outside. And humid. I guess it's a good thing I have a couple weeks, eh?

Reunion is tonight! I am sure I will have stories to tell...

we're gonna party like it's 1995...

Hey kids! Reunion is TOMORROW and like the post title says, "We're gonna party like it's 1995!" I am SURE I will have some good stories to tell after the reunion. I can't wait to see how much people have changed over the last 10 years. I wonder if all those rumors are true? Hmmm...

Top 10 Reasons I am dreading going to 10-year high school reunion this weekend:
10. Paying around $60 to go and see people I haven't seen in 10 years and likely won't see again for another 10 years (and I don't even get dinner AND it's not even an open bar!).
9. Seeing people I haven't seen in 10 years and having to listen to them talk about themselves all night long.
8. Seeing people I haven't seen in 10 years and having them ask me to talk about myself all night long - I HATE talking about myself (I am sure this stems from years of rejection that therapy never fixed).
7. Having to stare at all my classmates showing off their significant others and pretending to want to see their pictures of their children.
6. I graduated weighing in at 130 pounds. 10 years later I weigh in at… NOT 130 pounds!
5. Reliving the "old days": Tonya Harding's boyfriend attacks Nancy Kerrigan, Kurt Cobain commits suicide, OJ was acquitted, OK City bombing, Superman isn't so "superhuman" after all, the hottest summer in recorded history, the movie Congo is released (one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my opinion).
4. Realizing just how old I actually am. It's really been 10 years since I have graduated high school and this is all I have done with my life and I still have never been overseas?
3. Being afraid that some Anthony Michael Hall-esque guy from my past will suddenly realize that I am the one he's been waiting for all these years and the reason for the reunion is really so HE can reunite with ME!
2. The ever-present dilemma of "What do I wear?" The invitation said "Dressy Casual" but what does THAT even mean? Saturday afternoon will be a frenzy of trying on 20 different things and in an effort to not be "self-conscious" I will finally settle for the "Little Black Sweatpants" that I will "dress up" with the Bedazzler.
1. Because we know number 2 isn't really true (I would never wear sweat pants to a reunion, or anywhere really - especially that have been bedazzled) I will probably wear some knee-length dress and have everyone know that I haven't changed - my legs are STILL ghostly pale. One of my nicknames in high school was "Ghost." Thank you, Brandon Stewart. If you want to know the others, too bad!

Top 10 Reasons I am actually looking forward to Reunion this weekend:
10. Paying around $60 to go and see people I haven't seen in 10 years and won't see again for another 10 years and getting good material to laugh at them for at the NEXT reunion!
9. Even though I no longer weigh in at 130 pounds at least I still have a girlish figure - real men love curves, right?
8. Realizing I am still young and looking at all the promise my life has yet to unfold.
7. Getting to spend quality time with the friends I still keep in contact with while reuniting with those that I haven't kept in contact with.
6. Gloating that while everyone else is hitched and settled into a domesticated lifestyle I am still fabulously single - and loving it! Not to mention I don't have to lug around all those pictures and pretend that everyone wants to look at them!
5. Telling stories on each other about the last 10 years - and boy do I have stories I could tell on some people!
4. Reliving the "old days": Dakota Fanning was born (although we didn't know her then, she has become one of my favorite actresses!), Pulp Fiction came out, Nelson Mandela becomes South Africa's first black president, Jeffrey Dahmer is clubbed to death by another inmate, George Lucas starts writing the prequels, The Shawshank Redemption is released, Woodstock '94, Friends is aired, Braveheart wins Best Picture, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame opens.
3. Being hopeful that some Michael Schoeffling-esque guy will suddenly realize that I am the one he's been waiting for all these years and the reason for the reunion is really so HE can reunite with ME!
2. Seeing who of the "not-so-in crowd" became all they were meant to be and MORE!
1. Seeing who of the "in-crowd" are NOT what they used to be!

some notables about 1995...

1995 Headlines:
OJ Simpson was acquitted for the murder of his ex-wife and her friend
Baseball great Mickey Mantle died
Atlanta Braves won the World Series against Cleveland
Michael Jordan came out of retirement mid-season and led the Bulls to the Championships '96-'98
Million Man March was held in D.C.
Freshman Shannon Faulkner failed to complete her first week at the formerly all-male academy, The Citadel
Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated
169 were killed when a truck bomb blew apart The Murrah Federal Office Building in Oklahoma City
Susan Smith was sentenced to life in prison for the murder of her two sons: 3 years and 14 months old
Divorce became legal in Ireland for the first time in its history
Twelve Tokyo Japan subway passengers were killed and thousands sickened by poisonous gas that leaked from packages planted by terrorists on five subways
Some 400-500 students graduated from Shawnee Mission South High School in Overland Park, KS ("...as Raiders we ever shalt be.") My dad also graduated from Shawnee Mission South High School - his graduating year was 1969 ("...back in the summer of '69; those were the best days of my life...")

Some interesting facts about that year:
Postage increased that year from $.29 to $.32
The average cost of a gallon of gasoline was $1.20 - but I actually remember it being around $1 where we live
It was the hottest year recorded in global history - hundreds were killed in the midwest due to heat wave and 11 hurricanes ravaged the Western Hemisphere
A Chevy Blazer 4x4 sold for $24,549
Newt Gingrich, Speaker of the House, is named "Man of the Year" by Time magazine
The M&M color blue was introduced

"the writing is on the wall..."

First, let me say this - and this is unrelated to the year 1995: I saw Anchorman last night. It was funny but I found a mistake in it. After Veronica makes it as Ron's co-anchor all the news articles start coming out and on one of them it says "Veronica Cornerstone" and her last name was Corningstone. Just thought I would point that out. My favorite scene I think was the fight between all the news teams. Oh - and I love Paul Rudd in any movie, this one's no different! "It's called Sex Panther by Odeon; it's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good."

10 Top Grossing Movies of 1995 (I was just as surprised by some of these as you will be)
10. Die Hard 3 (Best line: "I threw his little brother off the 32nd floor of Nakatomi Towers out in L.A. I guess he's a little pissed at me." ~ McClane
9. Se7en (Best line: "If John Doe's head splits open and a UFO should fly out, I want you to have expected it!" ~ Detective Mills)
8. Jumanji (Best line: "You're not a postal worker, are you?" ~ The Gun salesman
7. Casper (Best line: "God, I'd kill for a pinky!" ~ Casper
6. Golden Eye (Best line: "The writing is on the wall." ~ 007, after Q blows up a dummy with a pen)
5. Ace Ventura 2 (Best line: "Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation." ~ Ace)
4. Pocahontas (Best line: "Don't be frightened, young man. My bark is worse than my bite." ~ Grandmother Willow, a tree)
3. Apollo 13 (Best line: "Well, um... I tell you it's a very complicated procedure that involves cranking down the window and looking for a gas station." ~ Jim Lovell, after being asked how you go to the bathroom in space)
2. Batman Forever (Best line: "A girl can't live by psychoses alone... What is it about the wrong kind of man? In grade school it was guys with earrings. College, motorcycles, leather jackets. Now, *oh*, black rubber." ~ Dr Chase Meridian)
1. Toy Story (Best line: "I'd better shave." ~ Mr. Potato Head, pulling off his moustache)
Some movies that SHOULD have made this list in place of others: Dangerous Minds (13), Braveheart - won best picture that year (17), Legends of the Fall (26), maybe even Clueless (31) - but I could just be saying that because it was a movie that depicted the time and some of the girls in my school to a "T", French Kiss (42).

Top 10 TV Shows of 1995
10. N.Y.P.D. Blue
9. 60 Minutes
8. Boston Common
7. Home Improvement
6. The Single Guy
5. Monday Night Football
4. Caroline in the City
3. Friends
2. Seinfeld
1. ER
Honorable Mentions: Mad About You (loved it!), Chicago Hope, Beverly Hills 90210, Party of Five, Melrose Place, Frasier, Seinfeld, The X-Files

"all hail to Shawnee Mission South as Raiders honor thee..."

"Nothin' greater than a Raider, 10 years later," declared the invitation that I received in the mail back around April. (Yes. I know. Cheesy, right? Especially for a 5A School in what is one of the wealthiest counties in the country and THE wealthiest county in the state of Kansas.) Shawnee Mission South High School's Class of 1995 10 Year High School Reunion is coming up this Saturday at the Embassy Suites on the Country Club Plaza.



This has prompted me to reminesce a little and post about things related to that year so this week I will offer a collection of "reunion-related" entries and will return to regular-scheduled programming post-reunion next week.

Today is the "Music Edition"

Top 10 Songs of 1995
10. This is How We Do It by Montell Jordan
9. Waterfalls by TLC
8. Runaway by Janet Jackson
7. You Gotta Be by Des'ree
6. Creep by TLC
5. I Know by Dionne Farris
4. Fantasy by Mariah Carey
3. Kiss From a Rose by Seal
2. Water Runs Dry by Boyz II Men
1. Take a Bow by Madonna
Best Country Song that year was Go Rest High on that Mountain by Vince Gill

Top Albums of 1995
15. Teenage Fan Club/Grand Prix
14. Supergrass/I Should Coco
13. Raekwon/Only Built for Cuban Linx
12. Garbage/Garbage
11. Chemical Brothers/Exit Planet Dust
10. Goldie/Timeless
9. Leftfield/Leftism
8. Alanis Morrisette/Jagged Little Pill
7. Bjork/Post
6. Smashing Pumpkins/Mellon Collie & the Infinite Sadness
5. Pulp/Different Class
4. Oasis/What's the Story Morning Glory?
3. P J Harvey/To Bring You My Love
2. Radiohead/The Bends
1. Tricky/Maxinquaye
My Honorable Mentions: Moby/Everything is Wrong, Emmylou Harris/Wrecking Ball, Bruce Springsteen/Ghost of Tom Joad, The Verve/Northern Soul, Neil Young/Mirror Ball, Ben Harper/Fight For Your Mind, Ben Folds Five/Ben Folds Five

Best Country Album was The Woman in Me/Shania Twain

Tomorrow will feature the "Movies/Television Edition"
Thursday will feature a "Top Headlines Edition"
And I am working on a "'Top 10 Reasons I am Dreading this' and 'Top 10 Reasons I am Looking Forward to This' Edition" for Friday

STAY TUNED!

"oh i believe in yesterday..."

Yesterday was simply a fantastic day for me. At church, Deebs gave a message that was life-changing. All this time I have been praying the wrong thing, asking the wrong question: "God, reveal to me your will for my life," and "What is God's will for my life?" I have been pressing him for guarantees, asking him for a burning bush or a lightning bolt: "God, if this is the path you would have me choose then light it up for me," and "If this isn't within your will then make it painfully obvious to me" have been prayers I have prayed more than once. I have felt like a failure because I have not yet received those things and have, therefore, doubted my faith all this time thinking there must be something I am not doing, or I am doing it well enough, I am not praying enough, I am not believing enough, I am not praying the right way, on and on... Yesterday Deebs made it clear to me that I have not been walking by FAITH as much as I have been by SIGHT like Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:7. There are 3 types of God's will: 1) Sovereign - His secret plan for allowing things that aren't explainable or comprehendable (London, 9/11, Oklahoma City); 2)Moral - His revealed plan, the plan he laid out for us in the Bible (the 10 Commandments); and 3) Individual - His ideal, detailed life-plan (Proverbs 3:5-6, Colossians 1:9).

Basically, Deebs suggested that as long as we love God, we can do what we like. He gave us the freedom to choose in Genesis when he says to Adam and Eve, "You may eat from any tree but one." As long as they didn't eat from that one tree they were within his will. He didn't care which one they ate from just as long as it wasn't that one. When we give our lives to Christ we have a new ambition - to please him - but he says, "I am proud of you and I love you, no matter what you choose."

Then our small group met yesterday afternoon at 4pm. It was a great meeting in which we all were able to share from our hearts and really start developing a bond there that hadn't been uniformly present before then. Tears were shed, laughing ensued, hugs were shared, and ice cream and cake were eaten. It was a blessing - one of the highlights of my day.

I believe in the hope that yesterday brought to me!

only you...

This is my prayer for today...

No one but You Lord
Can satisfy the longing in my heart
Nothing I do Lord
Can take the place of drawing near to You

Only You can fill my deepest longing
Only You can breathe in me new life
Only You can fill my heart with laughter
Only You can answer my heart's cry

Father, I love You
Come satisfy the longing in my heart
Fill me, overwhelm me
Until I know Your love deep in my heart



This describes exactly the way I feel right now. I want to know his love deep in my heart, to have him satisfy my longings. As I sit here and think about what that would feel like I am moved to tears. I ache so much for him to just envelop all of me, for there to be a seamless transition between him and me, that I can't tell where I start and he begins. I long for a time when I "feel" him with me at all times. Is that really possible? I have heard friends talk about their experiences with him and I get jealous. Why don't I have those kinds of experiences? Am I doing it wrong? Is there something I am missing that until I get he won't share those breathtaking moments with me?

I am feeling frustrated. I can't put into words quite what I am feeling. I simply yearn for him to draw near to me although that doesn't quite describe it completely. It's more than that. My heart knows and hopefully she will tell God what it is she feels and what it is she wants.

prayer for London...

Today I pray for the people in Lodon as they are faced with great adversity. I fear that although today is painful - both physically and emotionally - for them, that the worst is not yet over. By that I mean the sorrow and mourning will probably deepen before it gets better. As the death count climbs new anguish will be uncovered. As they rise from the rubble, ashes will be blown away revealing a loss they had not thought possible.

England's Flag


Dear Sovereign God,
I praise you for being the Almighty. I lift up the people of London to you today and ask you to comfort them with a peace that passes all understanding. I pray that you would descend on them with your Holy Spirit and be their tower of refuge and strength. Be their shelter God. You know their anguish and have felt it before as you are feeling it now. I pray that they would find comfort in knowing that you have known greater anguish than this. Dear Father, I also lift up to you whoever is responsible for this mess whether it be the "Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe" or someone else. I just pray that they would somehow seek you and find you knowing that they can be offered forgiveness. I pray for EVERYONE to remember that you are Sovereign; you have control of everything. These things I pray in your Heavenly name. Amen.

all i want, all i need, you're everything...

I first fell in love with this song probably 4 years ago when I first bought the cd. After having long been stowed away in my Case Logic cd case I pulled it out. And rediscovered why I love it so much, why it moves me the way it does.

Find Me Here/Speak To Me/I want to feel you/I need to hear you/You are the light/That's leading me/To the place where I find peace again./You are the strength, that keeps me walking./You are the hope, that keeps me trusting./You are the light to my soul./You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?/Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest./You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall./You steal my heart, and you take my breath away./Would you take me in?/Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?/Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?/And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?/Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need/You're everything, everything/You're all I want you're all I need/You're everything, everything./You're all I want you're all I need./You're everything, everything/You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?/Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?/How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?/Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?/How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?/Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?/Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

So good! Yes?

to be "God-conscious"

We had our monthly worship and communion night last night at New Community at Church. Jon Shirley led the worship, which is always a treat, and Isaac Anderson led the communion, which also is always a treat.

While Jon was leading us in worship he told us to release all our self-conscious thoughts and be "God-conscious." To be more aware of God than we are of ourselves while we were worshipping last night. To raise our minds to the eternal from the mortal, to the spiritual from the physical, to God from humanly things. He said to let that be our prayer for the night.

I want to let that be my prayer for my life. Don't you?

fireworks from God...

Yesterday we celebrated the 4th of July - our country's "birthday" so to speak.

Sunday night, the 3rd, we, in Kansas City, were treated to a special fireworks display that God put on for us. It was incredible! And a little spooky at the same time. My power went out for about an hour and it made for the perfect atmosphere - just watching the storm and listening to the thunderous booms and drinking my glass of wine. It kind of put in perspective just how awesomely almighty God is.



lightning

I started thinking about storms and how so much growth happens because of them. And then I thought Isn't that pretty indicative of life too? When we encounter "storms" in life, don't we get the most growth out of those times? Looking back over my life - especially the last few years - I can see the storms I have been caught up in. Then there's the calm just after. I came through each of those storms stronger and with increased faith in God. Just another example how he makes beauty out of ashes!

Hope everyone's holiday was safe!

dancing queen...

Last night I danced. I danced like I have never danced before! It was the first time in a loooong time that I danced like that. For about 3 hours, I think, at a hip little dance club called Kabal in the River Market area of Kansas City. Myself and 4 friends and another guy. At the end of the night I was tired, I was sweaty, I was sore. And it felt fantastic! It was so much fun!

We had planned on going to the whackjob's latest movie but I am so glad we changed our plans at the last minute. Just watching Chad Rader dance was entertainment enough. He's a great dancer and so entertaining with all his facial expressions. He puts his whole body into it. And Isaac with his sweet breakdancing skillz! Moves I hadn't seen in quite some time!

Today my legs are sore but in that good way. That kind of sore you get after you've done something good for yourself.

"...See that girl. Watch that scene. She is the dancing queen..."

Now I am off to take the 2006 Honda Ridgeline that my dad just bought out for a little spin...

million dollar baby...

Betcha you think this post is going to be about the Academy award winning movie by the same name, eh? Well. You're wrong! It's about one girls trip into dressing more femininely.

Flowers. Lace. Frills. Ruffles. Sounds like something a little girl would wear, right? Yes. Well, not today. I, a 28 year-old woman, am wearing a lacy top with ruffles and frillies. You might be wondering why a mundane thing such as what I am wearing is worthy of a blog-post. Well those of you that know me also know that I do NOT do lace and frills. EVER! I never have, not since I was like 7 anyway. I am much too tomboyish for that.

Last night I went shopping* with a friend of mine who also last night became my shopping fairy godmother. Now she's moving and I will be s.o.l. without her but that's beside the point. I have been feeling recently like I need to - no WANT to - update my wardrobe with some more feminine girly things. Everyday I would step onto the elevator at work and look around. I work on the Plaza, the capital of trendiness in KC. I always got the feeling that I blended right in with the elevator walls. While my head knew that wasn't really true, my heart knew I needed a change. In a bad bad way. I went to stores that at first I had no idea why she was taking me to. I had been in them before and didn't like a single thing or if I liked it I swore, I was so sure, that it wouldn't look good on me anyway so why even hassle with trying it on. For the first time in a loooooong time I liked every single thing I tried on - and they were all very feminine pieces. That actually showed curves! CURVES! GASP! I was stunned! And sad at the same time because I have been hiding all this time in pants and plain t-shirts when I could've been wearing light and airy, breezy things - tops and skirts, etc... I left feeling like a million dollars, baby. And I also left with everything I tried on (which really reads I made an actual long-term commitment to dress more femininely in the future and in public and not just in a private dressing room in front of my friend).

And today, I stepped onto the elevator proudly wearing my lace and frills and felt simply FABULOUS! I am out of hiding now! And when the gentleman smiled at me and said, "Hi," I didn't shirk away, I actually smiled back and said, "It's a million-dollar day, isn't it?" Even though he didn't know what exactly I meant he said, "Yes. It is."

*Just the fact that I felt like shopping at all was a small miracle in itself because recently I have broken out in hives at even the idea of stepping into the mall. It's just been a mecca of depression and self-loathing. NO MORE!

thwack!

About a week ago I came across this guy's blog and was sucked in. Go over to So I Go and check it out. He's writing a "novel" of sorts about his adventures with the modern-day Jesus in his head. In the meantime, the following is an excerpt of Chapter 11. It "smacked me upside the head," that's for sure!

And so it is in the days and weeks of wonder that follow that I start to see with my own eyes the indescribable handiwork of a Jesus that doesn't always respond to the invitations I send to him. It seems much more like him to invite me into all that he's been doing and to cajole me into doing it with him. So that I can learn all about his rhythm.

And that is why when he gets on his Harley and he rides away from my minivan on that day in that dream, I sit in the front seat with my seatbelt on and I think a lot about his view. What does he see that I can't? What does community look like for him in all of its raw humanity? Why did he want me to move into this neighborhood and this old porn theater and be around these poor people with all of their messiness and their filth and foul as they live in their muck and mire? Does he have to wash his hands as often as I do, or does he just keep them dirty?

I want to know about his view of the world because my world view with my clean hands is growing exceedingly small and uncomplicated. I'm not talking about my political leanings or my thoughts about global warming or events developing this very moment across the planet. I mean my actual view.

I peer out of the window of my comfortable home as my children play with other children just like them in the cul-de-sac of my town in my day. I look into the rear-view mirror of my comfortable minivan and see the faces of my beautiful family looking back at me. I gaze out the window of my 3rd floor office as the leaves turn magnificent colors. I spend an awful lot of time making sure my view is just so.

I look through my looking glass at all that's healthy and all that I'm entitled to. And then some. That's my view of the world on this very day.

And so I begin to hope beyond all hope that when the wrestling match is coming to a close someday and I'm all out of strength, that I will find myself sharing his view. And that I will have eyes to see what he does and ears to hear what he does and hands to work with him. And that my feet will choose to walk where he does. Because if I'm going to follow him and really mean it, it just makes sense, doesn't it?

And so it is, in another scene of another act in the play that that's writing me now, that the main character has a confrontation with his mysterious new Jesus. The one he has been waiting for and the one that he'll finally cast in his beloved production.

Porter: Who are you?

Jesus: Who do you think I am?

Porter: I don't know.

Jesus: You've been searching for Jesus, haven't you?

Porter: Yes.

Jesus: Studying him, right?

Porter: Yes, but...

Jesus: Well then, what did you think might happen when you looked for Him?

Porter: I'm not sure.

Jesus: If you seek...

Porter: You will find.

Jesus: You've been seeking...

Porter: Yes, but...

Jesus: You found him.

But the point of all of this is that it takes him a while to cast the right Jesus. He messes up a lot getting to that place and he keeps casting the wrong kind of Jesus in his play.

Right about now, Auditioning Jesus is starting to fade away as an end to our means. And a casting of Jesus becomes our means to an end.

And this life imitating art stuff is smackin' me upside the head again.

THWACK! Did you feel that?

GULP! I just swallowed a heavy dose of conviction! Incredible! Really! I couldn't have said it better myself! So often we try to fit him into OUR plans when really it's about him inviting us into HIS!