the poetry of God...

What a fabulous weekend I had! It was the perfect balance of relaxing and refueling alone and spending time with old friends and connecting with new ones.

I spent yesterday afternoon watching The Horse Whisperer again - for about the umpteenth time. I love that movie for many reasons but mostly I am struck every time by the landsape of Montana. I long to be there. Every time I watch that movie I yearn, strain, long, literally ache to be there. To be where it is quiet save for horses whinnying and God's whisper on the breeze. To live where life moves at an unhurried pace. To be where the only pressing thing on the agenda is making sure the animals are fed and the cows milked. I watch that movie and think That's poetry in it's purest form. Poetry unscripted, unwritten, unspoken. Beautiful. Crisp. Poignant. I have never been to Montana but I want to live there because of this movie. But then it's not just Montana - it's anywhere where there are mountains and meadows for miles and plenty of fresh air to go around.

I get this feeling whenever I am in the mountains that that is where I am meant to be. It's where I feel most alive. Most at home. Most at rest. Most myself. Most in tune with God and who he is. Worship is made so real to me there; I feel more in the presence of my God. How could you see the mountains and not know there is a God? He is there. He created them. He lives there. There where the land shoots up in majestic spikes and the valleys are lush and green and the cool breeze plays gently across my face and blows my chestnut hair out in the wind. As I look back through the Bible and just throughout history, the mountains seem to me to be very mysterious. At times they are used as hiding places or safe places - a refuge, other times they are places of battle and fighting other times as places to where you are highly visible, at times people went there to meet with God. They are described in the Bible as both beautiful and majestic and also as rugged and jagged. It's so interesting to me. I love the mountains. I feel I belong there. Someday I will live there - anywhere where there are mountains.

After watching the movie yesterday I wanted to be outside in the perfect weather. I went to Shawnee Mission Park and sat on the dock with the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. It's a fantastic book so far about the mysteries of the heart of women. I was shocked by how accurate they describe feelings I have and how accurate their descriptions of my desires were. I sat on the dock reading for 4 hours letting my feet play in the surprisingly warm water and letting my hair get gently blown in the cool breeze coming off the water. I felt beautiful and it struck me - probably a combination of what I was reading and my surroundings - I feel most beautiful outdoors. I felt relaxed and carefree and when I feel carefree I am confident. When I feel confident I feel beautiful. I have always felt at home outdoors, whether there are mountains around or not. I then started thinking how really that makes perfect sense: I feel so at home in the home that God created for me. Nature was his creation and I am his creation and I was made in his likeness. He created the heavens and the earth and all the animals and the mountains and the water and said, "It is good." If I am in tune with God and he loved and was pleased with his creation so much, it makes sense for me to feel the most alive outdoors enjoying what he created for me to enjoy and look after. It was a profound afternoon for me yesterday.

And today I feel rested, rejuvenated, relaxed, refueled, re-energized. I feel ALIVE and at peace. I feel God blessed me with poetry all weekend long through amazing friends, through creation, through reading, through worship, through providing me with the confidence to let myself play, really play in the lake yesterday - even if it was only my feet. I splashed and splashed and kicked letting the water come up and get my pants wet. I didn't care - it was poetry, the poetry of God.

May God bless you all as much as he has blessed me!

nothing like the sound of public praise - especially from your boss!

Ahhh... The joys of the Corporate World! I am off at 3pm today for the weekend - the LOOONG weekend! Hip hip hooray! I am so exhausted and ready for a longer break!

It's been a good day. My boss took one of my ideas and publicly applauded it. And, better yet, he's going to run with it and has asked me to help head up the project! Can you believe it? I was so flattered! I was so dumb-founded! I was so... speechless! I am used to working places where when I bring something up I get nothing but looks that say, "Who told you to speak? What are you some kind of moron or peon or something?" So this was a welcome change and I almost wasn't even going to say anything for fear that I would get this same look. I am so excited!

I am off now to enjoy my weekend! Will write when I can! Mmmwwah!

...something to be

Run right out and get Rob Thomas' (Matchbox 20) new solo album called ...something to be. Great stuff! A lot of it still sounds like Matchbox 20 but there's a couple songs on there that are different for him: "now comes the night" and "my, my, my" are probably my two favorite songs. The whole album is good though. "lonely no more" is a little Enrique Iglesias-esque and other songs to me were reminescent of other artists like Sting and maybe a little Glen Phillips/Toad the Wet Sprocket. FAB!

everything i will ever need to know i learned on 5-25-05

As unproductive as I feel today has been in terms of actual work performed I, in fact, have learned quite a few things today. For instance:

1-How to change the two water filters on the reverse osmosis water system here at work. I learned how to do this from the water boy who, according to the position of his pants, missed his true calling and is in fact a plumber.

2-Gmail isn't perfect after all. It's been "unavailable" to me all day long. :-(

3-I am going to write a book. It's going to be a novel from an elevator's perspective about the people that ride it. This is just one of things I thought of while waiting for one of four elevators in my office building to come and give me a lift.

4-"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

5-My boss has voices in his head.

6-People do some really, really, REALLY stupid things when they have had WAY too much to drink.

7-Sitting on the patio at Starbucks you see some pretty interesting things, like the guy I saw walking with, I assume, his boyfriend. He was wearing the same shorts that Danny Zuko (John Travolta) wore in the movie Grease in 1978. Only on Danny they covered everything and also, this guys were made out of terry cloth. YIKES! Is that even legal?

8-You also get to see some amazingly hot men (of every type: corporate suits, scruffy, rugged mountain, alterna-geeks, artists, dog-lovers, etc...) while sitting on the patio at Starbucks at lunch. We're talking guys-that-should-come-with-warning-labels because they're so hot! ("Warning to ALL females: Please stand back at least 15 feet so as not to get burned!" or "Someone please call the fire department as I am so hot I am actually on fire!") WOO-HOO!

9-I felt so all alone but really my friends have problems negotiating stairs also. We should start a support group.

So... I guess it has been productive after all. I, in fact, learned a lot today. *_*

just a few random thoughts...

Not much to report today so...

Last night, before church, I went to the first meeting of my new co-ed book study group where we spent some time just getting to know each other, etc… We were instructed to come with an off-the-wall question to ask 3 of the group members as sort of an ice-breaker. One of the questions I was asked was, "What character in a movie would you like to be or that you at least greatly admire?" Great question and I had to think for a while. This is what I came up with: I greatly admire Kevin Kline's character in Life as a House because he took a tragedy and made a triumph out of it. From his ashes rose beauty and grace and forgiveness. It's an incredible movie, moving, changing, thought-provoking. It's a movie that requires action on our part to examine our own lives and relationships. Phenomenal!

I am very excited about this group. We're going to be reading two books that I have heard are just incredible books: Wild at Heart and Captivating. The first is by John Eldredge and the second by him and his wife Stasi. We’re meeting once a week all summer.

Another reason I love my church so much was revealed to me last night. Charlie Hall from Passion Worship Band is going to be at our Tuesday night service on 14 June 2005 - 3 days before my birthday! It's going to be a fantastic service! I can't even hardly wait. It's funny because I had just been talking with my friend Jon (and worship leader for The Gathering) on Sunday night about Charlie Hall and then last night it's announced that he's coming - to OUR CHURCH! Did I mention that I am excited?

I am having dinner with my friend Ariana tonight. I haven't seen her in nearly a year - since we got done with Breakthrough last year. I am super-excited about getting to see her. There's so much to talk about! She was my "buddy" at Breakthrough so we got to spend lotsa time together getting to know each other - really getting to know each other. Can't wait to see her!

in the beginning was the Word...

I love what this writer and fellow-blogger says about writing and words:

When you have those inevitable moments of doubt, despair and discouragement, remember this: remember that words are so powerful, so potent,and so filled with life-changing potential, that "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God." Words have God's indisputable mark of approval. Words were His idea. He offered this form of communication to the world, and in effect said, "This is good."

I love that! It's so true and I have never heard or seen it put quite like that before. "Words have God's indisputable mark of approval." Beautiful!

I read an excerpt from her book A Whisper in Winter and, since I am blessed enough to have a Barnes & Noble maybe 100 feet from my office, I ran right out at lunch and got it. I read a couple of the little stories already and already I have been in tears, or nearly in tears, three times. It's a beautiful book by a gifted writer that I just happened to stumble upon. It is a book I will buy for all the women in my family and all the women I am close to. Thank you Shannon Woodward and thank you, God, for gifting her with this amazing talent!

i am changed...

I am changed. My weekend was incredible but the highlight was last night. I went to The Gathering, as I have done many times before, but this was different. It was our first meeting in the Auditorium - a bigger space that we will, without a doubt, grow into. And I was so moved. Moved by the music. Moved by Isaac's message. Moved by the people (there was a fairly large crowd and we filled the larger space quite well, actually). Moved by the music again. Moved by the Spirit! I totally felt God's presence there. He was there. I could literally feel him on my skin; it was so... overwhelming? Even that word can't quite describe it accurately. Nothing But the Blood by Matt Redman and One Pure and Holy Passion by Passion are two particular songs that spoke deeply to me last night. We sang Nothing But the Blood (a song I had never heard before but that I am now convinced I can't live without. I will have to buy the cd.) and I prayed the lyrics to One Pure and Holy Passion during the service last night because that is all I desire: to know and follow hard after God.

I feel renewed. I feel alive. I feel humbled. I also feel a little bit "jipped" truth be told. I feel that way because I want my own profound "this is what grace is" moment. I want a moment of my very own. I want God's grace made so real to me in such an acute way that I have not experienced before. I want to experience it so deeply that I am shaken to my core, that I am undeniably and wholly changed. I, literally, want to be rocked!

I just pray that You would reveal to me my moment and that I would see it for what it is - Your grace: amazing, life-changing, mind-blowing, heart-altering, profound grace! Amen!

God is going to do prodigious things through The Gathering from here on out. I can feel it. We will transform lives and win hearts for Christ! I really believe that last night was a turning point, a stepping stone to greater, more magnificent things to come.

here's to you, my friend!

This goes out to my friend Anand! A great friend, a great disciple of God, and now a great missionary to college students all over the country. We should all be as brave, as faithful, as trusting, as hungry for growing the Kingdom as he is. He has just committed to being a full-time missionary for F.O.C.U.S. (Fellowship of Catholic University Students). He leaves in just a couple weeks for training and from there will immediately be deployed to a university anywhere in the United States where he will serve for a required minimum of two years. He will immerse himself, with his 3 other teammates, in student life: eating with them, living with them, doing life with them, worshipping with them, and building the Kingdom with them. This is what we are all called to do: Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:18-20) Anand has found his way of doing just that. He's taking a huge step of faith by doing this just as he did when he came to the U.S. from India and when he started his own business. It can be terrifying and exciting all at the same time - fully trusting and leaning on God and his amazing will for your life! I am so proud of you. I am so proud to call you my friend! May God go with you on this amazing journey and may you allow him to write this chapter of your life for you.

a brief interjection

To the person who wrote this in response to my "a date or not a date?" entry:
I appreciate and value your two cents worth and thank you for providing it. You made some very good points. I should interject a couple things though. 1) By no means did I mean to come across like I was taking this too seriously. I do see it for what it is - just hanging out - and I am fine with it. I had a great time last night with him even though it wasn't what I expected (not that I had grand expectations either). 2) When I wrote the entry I felt plain. I have good days and bad days and when I wrote it, it was one of the not-so-good days. I think we all feel a little plain every once in a while, don't you agree? Today on the other hand I feel more like the fabulous me that I know I am! I am interesting in ways that I know are unique to me. I know that. I have a great life! 3) I am not at all the "glitzy don't break a nail type" that you refer to in your post. I am the opposite. I am much more a tomboy, not at all prissy. I like to fish and camp and hike and swim in lakes, etc... I am not really the trendy, lets-go-clubbing kinda girl. I am more a nature girl and I am very comfortable with that. It's who I am and I am proud of it. What I expressed in my original post was the normal anxiety that I think every girl feels when going on a "could be date."

That's MY two cents worth. I value your opinion and again, you made some VERY good points!

so NOT a date...

So, I met my friend Scott last night who I have not seen in a few years. We met at Fuel (this cool Harley bar where the girls dance on the bartop Coyote Ugly Style) for drinks. First he was like 10 minutes late so I am sitting there a female, by myself in a Harley bar full of Harley dudes talking about their Harley motorcycles. Now I love Harley's as much as Jay Leno and love riding but it was a little intimidating - NO, it was REALLY intimidating. So he shows up and we just hang out and I pay for my own beer and I haven't eaten anything but nothing on their kitchen menu looks good so I drink on an empty stomach. NOT SMART people! We hung out some more and then a couple guys I met there a few weeks ago showed up and we all hung out together. Then Scott (the guy I was there to see) took off. Then Larry took off. Then it was Ryan and I. I met Ryan a few weeks ago like I just said. So Ryan and I hung out for a while, then joined another table. Then Ryan left and then it was me, Pete, Scott, Mike, Janine and some other girl. All this to say, it was NOT a date! Not even remotely similar to a date. It was fun. I had a good time. But it wasn't really what I expected. Then I drove home, again after drinking about 5 beers on an empty stomach. Again, not smart! But I made it home safely thanks to my friend Chandler (I call him Bing by the way, as do most of his friends, or maybe I am the only one, not sure...) talking to me on the phone from Utah to keep me alert. There ya have it folks! The summary of my non-date. I should say that I had an email from Scott waiting for me this morning saying that it was good to see me and he hopes he can see me again sometime soon to you know, just hang out, I am guessing. I did have a good time though, so don't get me wrong!

a date or not a date?

That IS the question folks... I am going out tonight. Yes. But do I call it a date? I don't know... I got a text message last week from a guy I knew a few years ago through another guy I knew that had feelings for me. It was odd to get a tm from him, but not so odd that I didn't respond with, "Yeah, why don't you give me a call sometime and we can meet for a brew?" Now, "a brew" has morphed into dinner and brews and possibly motorcycle riding afterwards (his motorcycle, not mine, by the way). I still don't know if it's a date or if we're just getting together randomly after having no contact for at least a couple years. How weird is this? His emails (yes we've graduated from texting to emailing) seem flirty but then if my memory serves me correctly, wasn't he always a little flirty?

Now, if this is a date, I feel panicky. Because a) I have taken to breaking out, in other words my forehead actually has red polka dots on it (and this is even after buying a few different conditioners to try and cure the problem); b) I am feeling decidedly plain recently, so plain I am unique in my plainness (I am C.J., Plain and Average); and c) I have gained weight since I saw him last, and not just a few pounds either. Like, I don't know 20 pounds maybe. So... I am, nonetheless, feeling panicky, anxious, nervous - for some reason; I never really liked this boy in the past but I don't know maybe he's changed in that grown a few inches, became more mature, and learned some skills in charm kind of way. We'll see... I will report tomorrow.

ban on inappropriate use of thongs

Okay, I have come to the conclusion that men should be permanently banned from using the word "thongs" when referring to their flip-flops. It's a totally inappropriate use of the word and it gives me the heebie-jeebies.

whatevah...

I don't have too much to say so I just wanted to say hi. I went out to dinner last night with The Gathering after we had been fasting all day. (Basically, that means that we didn't eat all day and everytime we felt hungry we prayed for God's direction within The Gathering community - except that I had a lunch meeting and a dinner meeting so I am fasting today.) So needless to say we were all hungry and there was a whole big group of us that descended on Olive Garden. We had the most amazing wait staff but I still ended up with someone else's bank card and she ended up with mine. They look exactly alike though so it's an easy mix-up to have. I didn't even realize until Cari called me saying I have Emilee's card. OOPSIE! Glad I didn't go buy that new plasma tv like I was going to! We're meeting tonight to get it all straightened out. Here are a couple pics from dinner last night though... This is my new friend Carl trying on Tiffany's jacket....


Carl in Tiffany's Jacket

and here he is again...

Well for some reason I can't get the damn picture to upload. Amy, I need help; I am all sortsa confused...

Mkay, I suppose that's about all I gots for now... Boring, I know. Hopefully your day is more exciting than mine. I am going to go check the mail here at the Office.

defining moments...

I am reading a book right now called Seizing Your Divine Moment and so far I love it. It's one of my favorite books already. Reading it has prompted me to think back over the 27 years of moments in my life to determine which ones were the defining ones. This has proved difficult for me because there are so many to chose from:
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1-Christmas Eve when I was probably 5 or 6 we let our dog (my first pet), Pepsi, out in the backyard to do his duty. Half an hour later we went to let him in and he was gone, the back gate to our backyard was open, and there were footprints in the snow. We would never see him again despite all the posters we posted and phone calls we made. I was heartbroken. He was just a mutt. To someone else he was just an mangy dog who looked exactly like Benji and liked to get in trouble. But to my family, and mostly to me, he was a companion, a pillow, a blanket, and a friend. Thus began the seemingly never-ending parade of dogs through my life and it was probably when my tender, relentless, yearning love for dogs began.
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2-Winters in the house in Clinton, MO made up some of my favorite memories. The house we lived in didn't really have a reliable heat source that would heat the whole house. But, and this was one of the things I loved the most about that house, it had a wood-burning stove. My parents and my sister (two sisters once we adopted Lisa) and I would bring our blankets and pillows to the living room at night. We would all cuddle up together on the floor around the stove and sing Christmas carols. Talk. Laugh. And dream into the night until the sunlight broke through the windows. This probably is the reason why I have to have a fireplace where ever I live.
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3-There are several songs that, in some ways, have defined my life:

"The Rose" by Bette Midler - I think this was the song that made me want to be a songwriter. I probably wasn't old enough to know what a songwriter was the first time I heard it, but I am sure I knew it had changed my life.

"Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn - I don't think I need to explain this one any.

"Faithfully" by Journey (a classic, maybe THE classic) - I fell in love for the first time to this song with my best friend Ryan Carney. We were in high school - or at least I was in high school, he had already graduated - and I was in love. I met him at a lock-in" at my church and it was instant. He had just broken up with his girlfriend but that didn't stop me from telling him 2 days later that I was absolutely crazy about him. We became best friends. He told me a few years after that he had been waiting for me to make the first move. I waited for him to make the first move. Alas, no one made the first move. But the first time I heard this song (at least I never remembered hearing it before) was in his car the summer after my sophomore year of high school on one of many dates that weren't really dates even though he always paid and to any teenage girl they were dates. We both loved music so it just made sense that this would be our song. I still can't listen to it without thinking of him; this song is probably the reason I love Journey so much - STILL!

"Mandolin Rain" (aaahh Bruce Hornsby) - I can hear the "music on the lake"
even now and see it, love this song. I can picture them under their tent hiding from the rain. Love it!

"Make Me Lose Control" (Eric Carman) - another song that reminds me of Ryan. I know, it's weird that these romantic songs make me think of him even though we never kissed even though we both madly wanted to several times and several times had the perfect atmosphere for an unbelievable first kiss together. We slow-danced to this song under the stars at a park one night.

"Right Here Waiting" (Richard Marx) - When this song first came out in 1989 (I was 12) it was the song that I dreamed a boy would play for me to profess his love, or the song that I dreamed I would dance my first slow-dance to. In high school I went on a mission's trip to Chicago with my youth group and a boy I had a crush on, Chip, played this song on the piano for me.

"Because You Loved Me" (Celine Dion) - This song speaks to the heart of my relationship with my mother. I still can't listen to it and not think of her. I miss her so immensely; she died 5 years ago just shy of 49.

"Fur Elise" - because it was one of my mom's favorite songs to play on the
piano and because it's played in one of my favorite movies "Man From Snowy River." About a month ago I saw my cousin Ali, who just turned 16, play this flawlessly, by memory at her piano recital. I bawled.

There are just too many songs that changed my life in some small way. It's amazing how hearing a song today that I first heard years ago still has the power to continue to change me because of the memories it brings back with it.
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4-There are movies I have seen that have shaped my life:

I can trace my desire, albeit brief desire, to become a Broadcast Journalist back to the movie "Up Close & Personal." I actually enrolled but lost interest when I learned that Robert Redford would not be my boss/mentor/lover. Okay not really but.... It still moved me enough to decide on a major. I still love this movie and I still cry at the end - no, I still bawl at the end.

"Life as a House" - There are few, if any, movies that I love more than this one. I loved this movie because of the metaphor in it. After losing his job, a man realizes he has no life, no relationship with his kids, a failed marriage, a crumbling house on the shore with a beautiful view, and an illness. He takes on the daunting task of rebuilding his life (and his house) from the ground up. An amazing story!

"Message in a Bottle" - the last movie I saw with my mother, just the two of us, before she died. It became one of our favorite movies and we watched it several more times together before her passing.

"Thief in the Night" - I was watching this when I first asked Jesus to come into my life at the tender age of 8.

"Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" - This was where I went on my first real date
ever. It was the summer before my freshman year and his junior year. His name
was Matt Slater. And yes, "Everything I Do" became our song.

"Dead Poets Society" - The first time I saw this I loved it and I love it more each time still. It was when I first heard this Thoreau quote: "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die discover that I had not lived." This movie inspired me in so many ways the main plot was learning how to "Carpe Diem" - Seize the Day! And I remember hoping that all my teachers would be like John Keating.

There are many other movies that have shaped me in some small or significant way but these are probably the big ones.
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5-Fall 1992, my sophomore year of high school. I enrolled in choir at Shawnee Mission South High School where a girl named Nida would sit behind me and play with my hair. It would be the beginning of what remains today a beautiful friendship. She became my best friend.
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6-Thursday 30 March 2000. This was the night that my mother passed away. The hardest night of my entire life. My father and I were in the room with her and made the decision together to not have the doctors resuscitate her a second time (they had resuscitated her once and had her on life support but her heart stopped again). It was the hardest decision of my entire life but one that I am proud of; I put her above my self. This was one of the most unselfish acts in my life. I could have made the decision to bring her back in order to keep her with me, keep her here for me to hold her hand. But I chose to let go of her physical body and in its place I got her spirit, her heart, her memory. I suppose that is one way that her death profoundly changed me: I grew up. I grew up fast in that moment. Every ounce of selfishness that was in me emptied out of me in that moment.
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7-July 2004. I completed BreakThrough (a HeartConnexion ministry). After 26 years of surviving, stuck in habits and beliefs about myself that weren't working for me, I decided I wanted to really LIVE. BreakThrough helped catapult me from surviving to living and started me on the journey to becoming the best version of me that I was meant to be. The best thing I have ever done for myself and the best thing you could ever do for yourself as well.
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8-11 May 1985. We had had a young girl living with us for a while and she became my sister Lisa on this day. We went to the Royals game that day and they won. They went on to win the World Series that year, what remains today their only world championship.
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There are several other moments I am sure. These are the ones that prove to be the most important to me. I love that the moment I am in right now is the one in front of me to seize. To squeeze everything out of it possible. To get everything out of it that I can. The little moments that don't seem significant can turn out to be the most significant moments of your life: how that 4 minutes and 52 seconds that that song was playing can determine the rest of your life, how hearing a particular song can forever bring back memories of young love, how a movie can move you so profoundly, how a few evenings in front of a wood-burning stove can forever remain a part of you, how 4 weekends out of your life can change you from the inside out, how a few minutes spent deciding on whether someone you love will live or die will change you in ways you never imagined.

These are just a few of the moments of my life. Moments that I cherish and treasure. Moments that I can look back on and laugh or cry, but that I can look back on and feel the way I felt back then, smell the smells, hear the sounds, receive the gift of that moment again. I can be there again and relive them. These moments are a part of me. They make up who I am. They are some of my defining moments. What are yours?

did i just say that out loud?

A summary of my weekend in snippets of actual conversations that took place either at The Gathering's chicks retreat or various other places...

Me, to myself really, at Steak & Shake while peering mournfully into my shake - not meaning for it to sound even remotely like it did: "Oh no! I just lost my cherry! I wonder if I can find it?"
My friend, upon hearing of my loss: "Sorry, but once you've lost it, you can't get it back."
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Playing a game of Catch Phrase late Friday night...
My friend, Amy: "Hey Jude!"
Me: "I said that!"
Amy: "You did?"
Me: "Wait. What did you say?"
Amy: "Hey Jude."
Me: "Oh. No. I didn't say that."
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My friend Joe: "Go introduce yourself to my friend Dave. There in the blue shirt."

Me, a minute later, to guy in a blue shirt: "Hi I am C.J."
Guy in blue shirt: "Hi. Nice to meet you. I am Steve."
Me: "No you're not."
Guy in blue shirt: "Yes. Yes I am. I am Steve."
Me (frustrated): "No. No you're not. You're Dave!"
Guy in blue shirt (confused): "Ummm... NO! NO, I am pretty sure I am really Steve!"
Me (now more confused than frustrated): "Are you sure?"
Blue Shirt (now more frustrated than confused): "Uhhh yeah... Pretty sure I know my name."
Me: "Well, okay, I guess. I must have the wrong person then. Sorry. Still, it was nice to meet you."

Another guy in blue shirt: "Hi. I am Dave."

Me (glancing back and forth between Steve and Dave, blinking): "Uh-huh. Right. Yes, of course. Why wouldn't you be? Hi. I'm Completely Mortified. Nice to meet you."

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Me: " I went on a retreat with The Gathering this weekend. And I am doing something with Real Life next weekend. And I am still involved with Fusion."

My friend Wendy: "Well aren't you just the church-slut."

Me: "Yes. Yes, I am. I may get around but I'm proud of it too! Thank you!"
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Me in response to feeling warm: "I just don't understand how I am sooo hot!"

Yes. Yes. I know. I am quite entertaining when I can be. I am sure there were others but that's all I can think of for now. And now for more fun...

These are things I heard over the weekend:

"Mmm. Girl. It looks like you've got some dookie on your skirt."
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"There's a young bear in the woods and he's just dumped out everything he's eaten that day. There's an Indian word for that: Jomaki."
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My roommate Cindy: "Jen and I are going to practice flip-turns."
My friend Corissa: "Oh yeah. I want to do that to."
My friend Shea (a guy): "Is this for cheerleading?"
Cindy: "Of course. Yes. I am a cheerleader."
Corissa: "Yes. Me too. Rah. Rah. Sis-boom-bah! See?"
Collectively: Laughing. And then, "Uh no. It's for swimming. For a triathlon."
Cindy: "Although for June we don't need to do flip-turns. It's in a lake."
Shea: "It's not for cheerleading?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend Streuf: "I am deathly afraid of main drains. Those big black things at the bottom of pools. Deathly afraid. It caused problems for me when I was on swim-team and when I was a lifeguard."
My friend Joel: "You've inspired me. I know what I will be for Halloween now. A main drain. Not quite sure how to pull it off but it's gonna be terrifying."

My friends, as you can see, can be very entertaining too. That's why we're friends, I think. Well, there's that and the fact that we're all called to love each other despite knowing each other so well.

how does that mirror my life?

I was happily on my way to lunch today with my best friend of 14 years, Nida (knee-duh). We were going to what seems to be our usual lunch place these days, Eden Alley - a vegetarian cafe connected to Unity Temple here on the Plaza. To get in you have to walk under some trees. Should be no problem, right? Yeah, you'd think that... unless you're me and it happens to be Friday the 13th. This thing falls from the sky literally less than an inch from my nose. I am thinking that I almost got bird-bombed again (I got pooped on by a bird a few years ago while waiting for a concert). I look down where the glob landed... NOPE! This time it's worse...


falling egg

Yes, that's an egg that fell out of the tree above me. Sad for the bird, I know, but sad for me too, don'tcha think?

This was only the beginning of what proved to be a highly-entertaining lunch for us.

She explained to me the reason she was late for our meeting: how on her way to meet me she was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop told her that she was driving on a suspended license and asked her if she was aware of that. She wasn't. Not only did she NOT get arrested, she also did NOT get a ticket. Now, this would normally force me to react with awe and proclaim how lucky she is, etc... BUT! I started thinking "How come I can't have such luck?" Because not only once but twice I have been arrested for driving on a suspended license and taken away to jail where I was hit on by a girl I will call Whiskey Tango. You'd think I would've learned my lesson the first time but how else was I going to get to work everyday? The first time it happened I had no idea that it was suspended or what for. I had forgotten about the ticket that I hadn't paid almost a year before that. This all happened just this last September (the first time) and November (the second time). I hadn't paid the ticket yet because of financial issues but of course it has since been paid and taken care of and my license reinstated. The second time this happened I was driving the pick-up truck that was owned by the company I worked for at the time. NOT GOOD! I had to call them and tell them they were hauling me off to jail because I was driving their truck on a suspended license. NOT SMART! I got fired later that day after I had just spent 5 hours in said jail, with said Whiskey Tango, and 5 other girls in a cell about the size (and smell) of a bathroom. I made the mistake of asking Whiskey Tango what she was there for... Bad mistake... she was in for aggrevated assault and had been there for several days because no one could come bail her out. She looked like she'd been there at least that long. Anyhow, the first time Nida drove 45 minutes in the middle of the night to the city of Lawrence, KS where I was living at the time to come and bail me out. The second time I bailed myself out. So today I almost had to pay her back for bailing me out back then... We're true friends - we bail each other out of jail!

Now about the firing: my boss at the time swore she was going to do it anyway and that it wasn't really for the truck. I kind of believe this because there is a guy, a Mexican guy (but this in no way is going to be a prejudice statement against Mexicans, by the way) worked there and had very recently spent quite a bit of time in jail and in court and getting sued, etc for... cock-fighting... COCK FIGHTING! He was apparently the ring leader for a 14-person cock-fighting scandal and he didn't lose his job so why would I? The guy is just plain creepy in other ways too - the kind of guy who looks at you and you then feel the overwhelming urge to shower and scrub 'til you're raw. YUCK!

Nida also tells me that she met up with our friends Jim and Rod last night. We have known Jim and Rod as long as we have known each other, we go WAY back! The subject of Rob (another friend we met just about a month and a half ago) came up. We have hung out with Rob a couple times since we met. Jim mentioned that Rob likes to do things on purpose to annoy people on purpose (ie: push their buttons). He gave this example:

Say Rob thinks a girl is interested in him and he's not interested in them back beyond friendship? And say that girl has a pretty strong Christian foundation? He might, I don't know, say something along the lines of, "All Christians are fundamentalist, Bible-thumping freaks, who are highly judgmental, and I relate them kind of to the KKK, blah blah blah..." He would say this to get her pissed at him so she won't be interested in him anymore, to slyly let her know that the two of them just wouldn't be compatible romantically in his opinion.

Now this was funny because not 3 weeks ago Rob and I had this conversation in Nida's back yard in the middle of the night after I had called him and asked him to meet us at Fuel - a Harley bar similar to Coyote Ugly in that the skinny girls dance on the bar to Kid Rock and Lenny Kravitz while wearing low jeans and tummy-bearing tops - for a couple of brews. It was 11pm or thereabouts when I called him, mind you. I should also add here that, while I thought he was semi-cute, I was not interested in him romantically. We met through our friends Jim and Rod and he was fun to hang out with and that's about it. We exhanged info and I called him to hang out. Apparently, he was under the impression that because I called him I just had to be madly and desperately in love with him, "I mean after all, who wouldn't be in love with me, right?" he had to be thinking. What an egotistical, arrogant thing to do... But why also would you meet a girl at a bar in the middle of the night that she invited you to if you weren't interested provided she was interested to begin with? Jim told Nida last night that he does want to hang out with people even if he doesn't like them romantically. OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of that? Also, that night (you know in Nida's back yard after the bar - and by this time it was around 3am probably and we'd both had lots of brews) when he pissed me off about making the comment about "all Christians being related to the KKK," I defended my faith and explained to him that while indeed there are extremists who are like that, we're not at all all like that. He explained himself and everything was fine and we made up and everything was fine (I already said that, didn't I?). So... if he wanted to piss me off why would he explain himself and make sure everything was fine again before calling it a night? I asked Nida this at lunch today and she told me, "Well, he still wants to be friends and doesn't want to burn bridges and wants to be able to hang out," or something to that effect. Again, of course! What was I thinking? Because I absolutely love hanging out with people who I know purposely push my buttons to get me to not like them because God knows I must if I call you to hang-out! Who wouldn't want to hang out with that guy? I called him a couple days later to see if he could play on our sand volleyball team that night so he probably thinks I am still madly in love with him and he's probably uber-frustrated that his ploy didn't work. He's probably trying to think up something else to say to me to get me pissed... WHATEVER! Nida and I rolled about it though!

There were several other things that happened at lunch today that just busted our guts... like Nida falling for Rod asking about her belt and if the seashells go all the way around it, forcing her to spin around and show him her bootay! Which took us back to the time several years ago that we were both working at Wild Things (a surfer-esque store that sold Mossimo stuff (way before it was in Target) and Yaga and Billabong attire). I was wearing some Mossimo jeans and these guys were in there looking at Oakleys or something and one of them asked me, "Oh are those Gap jeans?" as he lifted up my shirt so he could "look at the label" or my butt - whichever! I fell for it! It was a looong time ago and I was only a naive high school girl and he was a far-more mature college boy just passing through on his way to Padre for Spring Break with his buddies.

It was a fun lunch - even though I am pissed at her for not getting arrested - not really, Nida, I would never wish that on ANYONE, especially YOU! Still, it irks me...

a little bounce in your step...

I just tried a new place for lunch today. The Canyon Cafe on the Plaza has closed and in its place is The Lodge Bar & Grille. Let me tell you that the stuffed chicken breast is divine: goat cheese and spinach stuffed inside a tender boneless chicken breast. Normally it's served with rice but I ordered asparagus instead. FABULOUS!

I went out with my friend Heather Harden last night. I had been craving Taco John's and she knew of one in Bonner Springs so we drove out there. They were getting ready to close so we got our food to go and went to a park. It was already pretty dark out but we didn't let that keep us from climbing up onto the play equipment and eating dinner there. It was a perfect night and it satisfied my craving - for a while anyway. Then we just played and climbed and goofed around like we were kids waiting for Mom to call us in for the night.

On the way home I was relaying a story of how the other day I was giving my friend Kathy a hug and I snorted in her ear. No reason for the snort, I wasn't laughing or anything. It just came out. Heather asked me if I had bounced anyone off my chest recently. We both died laughing... A few weeks ago I was leaving my church and was giving my friend Chad a hug. We went toward each other too fast or too hard apparently because he literally bounced off my boobs. He tried not to laugh but I could tell he wanted to. I just busted up laughing. It pretty much solidified my want to get a reduction!

breathing a sigh of relief...

I just finished a HUGE project at work at the consulting firm. I had been procrastinating on it for like 2 weeks because it was soooo repetitive and it was just quite simply taking forever. Turns out it was only taking forever because I was letting it. I worked on it hard for 2 or 3 days and it ended up not really taking that long after all. I am just relieved it's over with... Now... which task will be my next priority? I dread working on the storage closet - it's FULL to the top with marketing materials that have to be organized. UGH!

weekend in review...

All in all it was a fabulous weekend! With the weather, the friends and family, the fun... it was great for the most part.

I saw the movie "A Lot Like Love" on Saturday night. I loved it! There's a line in it where Ashton's character Oliver is sitting on the beach with his brother after having his diaper business close. Oliver's brother is deaf and he signs to Oliver "This is your life, right now. It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet. Your life, it's already happening..." I loved that line. So often we think when something goes wrong that we'll take some time off from life until we get it all figured out again and set a new course. We forget that life doesn't wait for a new course, it keeps on flying. When we're faced with adversity we want to stop life from happening instead of taking it in, being present in that moment and soaking up everything out of it that we can. We should be like sponges: constantly expanding with the "water" that we absorb, growing with the experiences that come our way and the lessons that we learn if we chose to look at life as a classroom. Great movie!

Yesterday proved particularly difficult for me in that it was Mother's Day and my mom passed away 5 years ago this last March. I was having lunch with my friend Jon on Friday and he asked me how her death changed me. I told him I would have to think about it more in depth but right away I told him that there were things I wish I had done differently while she was still here. Things like spending more time with her, listening to her, laughing with her and less time arguing with her. More time making her smile and less time upsetting her. She never complained even when I knew she was in pain she NEVER complained! She was one of the strongest people I know. I know she suffered quite a bit especially the last couple weeks and I hated to see her go through that: the labored breathing, the anxiety she felt, the pain, the wondering, the fear, the gripping onto life. I think just seeing her hang on to life like that with everything she had changed me in a way I can't explain. It was the first time I had actually witnessed the death of someone very close to me (working in ICU I had seen death but this was different) and it wasn't the quiet, calm passing you hope for. It was a fight, a spiritual, physical fight! Here was a woman who lived and breathed Christianity her whole life and she was fighting to stay on this side. She knew God's promises by heart and clung to them daily and still she literally clung to the world (my dad and I more precisely the night she died). It seemed she was obviously fearful but why would she be? Maybe it was just anxiety, I don't know... What I wouldn't give to sit and talk with her about that experience: what she was feeling, thinking, experiencing. I know she's no longer suffering, I know where she is and I do find peace in the fact that I will see her again one day. I am very blessed to not have to wonder about that ever with either of my parents or my stepmom. I will continue to think about my answer to your question Jon...

With last week's news from my doctor that I may not be able to bear children of my own it made Mother's Day difficult in a new way. The thought that I may not get to experience the joy, the pain, the intense love of bearing children from my womb hung in the air around me yesterday. It was always there, just within my reach but I kept it there at arm's length for fear that if I grabbed onto it and pulled it to me that it would somehow become definite and true. At arm's length at least it felt like it wasn't MY truth, my diagnosis. I could see it there but it wasn't there for me.

While the weekend was difficult for me it wasn't a bad weekend. I chose to be introspective and reflect on things, to be a little sentimental. I wouldn't change a thing about it if I had it to do over!

love notes from my friend...

My best friend of 14 years handed me a note last night after New Community (it's our church's midweek service). It totally rocked my world. This is what she had to say:

CJ or Christina, Chris, Ghost (that is another story)... whatever name I call you I will always call you my amim or friend in Creole. I wanted to write a note to tell you about a time in Haiti (she just returned from a missions trip to Haiti on Sunday) that reminded me of you: At the school in Fond-des-Blancs there were 2 girls sitting on the steps just hanging out. After awhile they stood up, held hands and walked away together. Their friendship was so precious it reminded me of you and me. I cherish our friendship, thank you for being my Amim. Je taime, Nida

a love affair with words...

Words
I love words -
I love how they sound,
Curling over the threshold of my ears;
I love how they feel on my tongue,
Lingering there for just a second
Letting me taste them, savor them
The seasoning of my life;
Before releasing them like prisoners.
It would be wrong for me to keep them for myself.
So I let them go, let them hang in the air
Waiting for them to be captured by someone else;
To then be set free again, crisp and clear.
Never to be stagnant, constantly in motion
Ebbing and flowing, forever poignant
The power of the written word
Can invoke such feeling, such emotion,
Provoke such thought and conjure images like magic.
I love how they sound in my head before I say them
Something so familiar, so comfortable in them;
Like an old friend, they make me think of home.
No matter where I am I can always come back to them
And no matter how long I have been gone
I return and we pick up where we left off.

self-portrait

I took this out at Shawnee Mission Park (one of my favorite places in this area). Then I used Picasa to add a "soft focus" to the edges a little bit. I think it turned out alright... What do you think?


self portrait

burning tree

I love this picture! I took it with my camera phone actually. I love the way it turned out! I have been trying to get into photography lately and need to buy a decent camera to really pursue that desire. I have some other good ones that I have taken with my camera phone but feel like they are just too small or something. I love love LOVE this though!



outside Eden Alley on the Plaza

go kendra, go kendra...

For those of you that watch The Apprentice and are addicted like I am, I have to say that I hope Kendra wins this one. I had been voting for Alex but since he unfairly (in my opinion) got voted off last week it's all up to Kendra. I think she's got a great shot at this and if Tana continues to perform like she did last night then I feel it's in the bag.

The fact that Tana was bitching to Carolyn in the backseat of the limo about her teammates and how defective they are just screams, "Fire me!" I think that is so unprofessional. Did she think she was building a bond with Carolyn by doing that? I wanted to yell at her. And come on, Chris, how long have you been driving and you can't park the car? What the...?

What was with Danny singing the stupid jingle? He's an idiot. He should have been the first to go in my opinion. The way Kendra recovered her credibility with the sponsors of the video game championship speaks very highly of her ability to perform and build trust under pressure. PHENOMENAL! Her teammates had nearly destroyed whatever chance she had at winning this and I think she pulled up nicely. She still has to manage to improve the environment overnight in order for Sony Playstation to stay in the game but I think she can pull it off. I have no doubts as long as she either fires Danny or gets him to get it together stat.

I guess we have a week to go still so there's a lot that can happen yet. It would be so refreshing to see Kendra win this: she's young, she's vibrant, she's smart, she's a she. We'll see what happens I guess.

there's so much more to me than that

I learned something last night. I learned that there are several people that don't like to be asked, "So what do you do?" by a stranger. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. There's something about that question that just seems phony like I want to say to them, "Why are you asking me that? Are you trying to validate yourself by asking what I do? Are you sizing me up? Are you setting yourself up to judge me by my 'title'?" I almost feel like they are saying, in one way or another, "So who are you?" as if my title somehow defines who I am and that that's all there is to me - just my title. I hate labels and the judgments that come with them. It seems to me that there are lots of other questions to ask when trying to get to know someone that you have only just met:

What is your favorite season? (fall)Do you prefer mountains or ocean or both? (mountains)What is your biggest dream or your wildest adventure? (biggest dream - living in the mountains somewhere; biggest adventure - taking several months off to hike and camp)What was good about your week or what was bad about it? (of course, this varies from week to week)What is your greatest accomplishment in life this far? (realizing at 27 that there were some things that weren't working for me and learning how to get beyond them to live the life that I was meant to and be the best version of me that I was created to be.)Football or baseball? (definitely football)What is your favorite movie? (all time top favorite - Life as a House)What kind of music do you listen to? What's the best concert you've ever been to? (I love all kinds of music; it all means something to me for different reasons. Mercy Me is probably the best concert.)What's your biggest pet peeve? (someone asking, "how are you?" and then not sticking around for a response.)Which one is your favorite punctuation mark and why? (mine is the question mark because it indicates a question has been posed, requests a response from the listener, and therefore promotes conversation.) ;-)

There are so many others that I could list. These are questions people don't think to ask because people are afraid to go a little bit deeper and it's become habit to have that be the first thing that pops into your head to ask. I can't say I have never asked that because I have. It's been a while since I have done that; I rarely make that the first question I ask people. I wait until I have known THEM for a while, who they really are, and it usually comes up in conversation so I don't have to ask.

I have a respectable job as an Office Manager for a consulting firm in a trendy area of the city but that's not who I am; it's just one of the things I do. It's not the reason for my existence. There's so much more to me than that, so much more I would rather talk with you about than that crap. What if I said I was a trash collector? It still wouldn't make me any different than I am inside right now as an Office Manager. I would still like the same things, do the same things in my spare time, believe the same things, have the same friends. I would still be me.

a beginning...

I have been thinking about starting a blog for a long time and since a few of my friends have them already I figured I had better take the plunge or I never will. So here goes...

This is dedicated to all the people who have moved into my heart and built homes there. Some have stayed, some have moved but have left something behind like a cup to remind me of the times we used to sit together with java and laugh and cry while our "cups" overflowed. Still others have yet to move in and there is prime property still available. I love you all whether you're still there or not!