...leave me breathless..., ...breathe, just breathe..., ...take my breath away...

... So what would just be the icing on the cake that is my life right now? What would make it all so much sweeter?

I met someone? Nope!

My profs decided to just give me all automatic As because they like me so much? Nope!

I won a car and don't have to feel "trapped" here anymore? I wish but nope!

My friends all decided to come up and join me here in the 49th state? Again, nope!

I got a sinus infection the very first day of classes, two days after my arrival, that has rendered me totally incapacitated? Yep! Aren't you so very excited for me? I know. I know. It's the greatest right! I don't know of anything better that could have happened to me. Except maybe my insurance company not covering my doctor's visit OR my prescriptions today. I am so very lucky! My visit alone was a whopping $95 and only ONE of my TWO scripts totalled $100. You wish you were me, I know! I don't blame you! First thing tomorrow, I am getting on the phone to my insurance provider to see if I can get reimbursed for at least all of it but my copays. Hopefully they will oblige.

To make my life even more fun, one of my required classes is P.E. As in Physical Education. "Yeah, hi. I am in high school and my next class is gym." I haven't had P.E. for at least 10 years. Why would I want to take it now with a bunch of people who are 10 years younger than me? So I am trying to get out of it and I think I have a pretty good chance at succeeding in that. I missed class today because they were doing a timed 2-mile run/walk and yeah, I can't even walk across the room without collapsing exhausted on my bed to nap for 2 hours. There was no way I was going to walk 2 miles! I should know tomorrow whether or not I have to take it. It would free up more time for my work/study program here at school and I could use that.

So I have been a little absent from blogging because of the move and now, my head feels like it could explode with the slightest touch. I PROMISE to return to regularly scheduled programming just as soon as I can breathe again without effort. THANK GOD FOR THE INVENTION OF THE Z-PAC! That's all I gotta say!

And again, I PROMISE that pictures are coming! I haven't had the strength to hold my head up, let alone get to somewhere where I can download them to a cd in order to upload them here.

As my friend Andrew Dean says, "Stay tuned to this constant Christ channel."

breakaway...

I have always liked this song by Kelly Clarkson and now it really fits my life. I even went out and bought the cd.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Building with a hundred floors
swinging 'round revolving doors."
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

I would change the second verse though to something like this:
Wanna feel the cool breeze
Walk among the spruce trees
Feel the rush of the ocean
Climb the highest mountain
Where the moose and bears play
I want to Breakaway....

i have arrived...

I am on campus now at Alaska Christian College and am loving it so far - most of it. I miss my friends, my family, my bed, and having my own room. But I went on a 6-mile hike today and barely broke a sweat in the 65 degree weather. That's what I am talkin' about! Pictures from the hike will come as soon as I can download to a cd and upload from the cd to my flickr account. I miss not having a curfew. This is something that I didn't even think about when I made the decision to come. But here I am, 28 years old and I have an 11pm curfew Sunday through Thursday and midnight on weekends. This is one thing that will definitely take some getting used to on my part. I am so used to just having the freedom to come and go as I please. We'll see if I can handle it!

I thought the guy/girl ratio here at the college would be about 50/50 like it has been in the past but it's about 2/3 female. But that's okay, i suppose. There are plenty of other men in Alaska!

These first 24 hours have been a little hard because I missed ALL of orientation and everyone has already bonded and become friends or they are here for the second year. So I feel a little disconnected. Plus, I am the oldest student at 28, which probably makes it harder for the others to relate to me. I am sure I will feel more connected as time goes on here but it remains to be seen.

The food is pretty good and I was kinda surprised by that. But then I found out that the chef here used to be the chef at The Princess Lodge here in Alaska. I still imagine I will lose weight. I don't have a car, which means I have to walk everywhere. Plus, you add in all the running from bears and moose I will be doing and the hiking, and I am bound to lose some weight, right? That's a goal of mine anyway.

most significant accomplishment....

Previously, my most significant accomplishment had not been all that significant. Something along the lines of maintaining a 3.0 or higher while working full time, going to school full time, and serving on Student Senate and maintaining a healthy social life or deciding to work instead of go to class or something similar.

Now, my most significant accomplishment is deciding to move to Alaska to attend Alaska Christian College and getting EVERYTHING ready within 9 days. It's been a pretty incredible ride and God's been part of it every step of the way. This is the most significant thing I have ever done in my life (short of deciding not to resuscitate my mom when she coded a second time). It's the most significant thing I have done for myself, that's for sure. It's incredible the way God has opened the doors for me to do this. I owe it all to Him. Everything from the scholarship to the awesome deal on the flight out there, to the possibility of a new friend and I working at the same summer camp in Alaska next summer to God giving me the motivation and the strenght to get everything ready to go in time, to awesome friends who have been there every step of the way providing encouragement, financial resources, support, and love. It's been unbelievable! God has intertwined my life with others that I previously would not be intertwined with. It's so cool to see how freaking awesome He is, and to see it firsthand. I have heard other peoples' stories like this and wanted one of my own and now I have my own. It's been unbelievable, I can't even put it into words, there are no words really to describe how awe-inspiring he really is. Had it not been for my friend, B-rad Jones (honays), today I would've fallen apart. So thank you, Brad! Love ya brother! Your encouragement couldn't have come at a better time! My small group is the best ever! I am going to miss you girls tremendously - I want to see you all in Alaska! My best friend, Nida, there aren't words. 14 years of friendship and love have seen us through everything with each other! What am I going to do without you? I love you more than life itself! You're the best thing to happen to me since Jesus. I am going to miss you most of all and I look forward to Thanksgiving when you come to see me! I love you so much! And everyone else, Amy G., Ginger, Lydia, Elizabeth, David, Aaron, Amy C., Cari, Jim P., Jim B., Rod, Kristi, Corissa, Steve, Steve S., Dana, Mark N., Bracy, and everyone else - I LOVE YOU ALL and am taking you each with me.

My next post will be from Alaska in a couple days once I get my bearings and get settled somewhat. Thank you to my prayer partners and those that are thinking about me. Love you all!

I need to go to bed. My flight leaves in about 15 hours. CRAZY!

outpouring of love...

This is a quote that I found today on change:

"Change is to give up what we are, to become what we could be."

I can't wait to see who I will be at the other side of all the change going on in my life. I do know that I am already different because of this decision that I have made. I feel different. My world feels different. My moments feel different. Everything is different. Different in a good way? Yes. I have no reason to believe otherwise. That's not to say that there won't likely be some rough patches along the way but that's what makes us stronger and come to rest more fully in God and his faithfulness, right?

Many of you have asked what specific things you could pray for as I make this journey into a new life. Here are the big ones that I can think of for now. I will update them if and when more come up.
1 - That I will be able to prepare everything and get everything lined up for me to leave ONE week from today! YIKES!
2 - That I will have safe travels.
3 - That God will comfort me when I am homesick, because I am SURE that I will have times when all I want to do is come running home, and I know I will miss my friends and family terribly. There will no doubt be times when I ache for the comfort that only they can provide.
4 - That I will be open to the adventure that God has waiting for me once I am there. And that I will soak up all that he will rain on me and that I will be able to see his glory in all of it.
5 - For my family and friends that I am leaving behind, that they would know that this is from God and that they would know how much they are a part of me and how much I will miss them.
6 - That if I get there and say, "What the heck have I done?" that I will know that it's okay to have tried it and that it's okay to come home and not feel like a failure.

I may already have a job lined up for next summer at a camp 40 miles north of Juneau. Kristi, a friend of mine, who just might be taking my position at work, has some connections to Avant Ministries. Avant is based here in Kansas City and runs a camp in Alaska in the summer called Echo Ranch Camp. She emailed me the contact information for the guy who is currently recruiting counselors for next summer. Oddly enough, he just moved here to Kansas City from Alaska to go to Calvary Bible College. I have already emailed him and that is in the works. You can pray for this too!

I appreciate so much all the emails and phone calls offering love and support and encouragement. My cup overflows with blessings and love from all who know me and even some I have not met face to face. All of you, those I have yet to meet included, mean something very special to me. Thank you! I love you all!

the story continues...

I came in to work today exhausted. Nida and I and some friends from high school decided to go out for drinks last night to celebrate the beginning of a new journey in my life. It was around 2 when we got home and I couldn't sleep so I was up most of the night. But, nonetheless, I knew I had to tell my boss and I was nervous! I went in and asked him if he had a few minutes. He said, "Sure! Have a seat!" So I started in on the story and told him all about it. And then...

... He said that he was excited for me and that he's incredibly sad to see me leave but so happy for me that I am seizing this opportunity. Then he emailed me and said that this reminds him of the time that God told Abram to leave Ur. He told me that he and his family are Evangelical Christians and I was blown away by that! I had a small inkling that he was but wasn't completely sure. I am ecstatic! He said that it will be hard to replace me.

I emailed a dear friend of mine who works at my company in our office in Irvine, CA. I met her when I was out there on business in February. We hit it off and have gotten close over email. She is a Jehovah's Witness. She called me immediately after she read it. She was choked up! I told her about the story and what's been happening and she was elated for me! She told me how proud she is of me that I am doing this and that she is behind me all the way in this new chapter. It was such a blessing!

Then I figured I better email the rest of the crew that I work directly with before they heard it through the grapevine and formulated their own opinions. Everyone has been nothing but supportive of my decision. I was so nervous because of not giving the proper two weeks and all, but everyone understands that I can't pass up on this opportunity. It's just been more of God's blessings on this endeavor; that's the way I see it!

I will continue to keep you posted as new developments arise!

and God answers...

Adventure calls and God answers! Yeah, um, let me just say that God works fast, man! Really freakin' fast! I sent the original email through the website yesterday thinking I wouldn't hear back until at least next week. I thought that certainly it was WAY too late to be able to get in for this Fall. Well, I got an email back this morning from ACC with all the needed forms and them saying that they still have space available for this year. Not only that, but they said that if I act fast my entire room & board bill could be covered completely for this year! So I filled out the apps and the financial aid form and faxed them back. That's when the questions started coming up in my head like "If I do go, how do I get from Anchorage to Soldotna, 3 hours away?" and others. Before I even had the opportunity to ask these questions they were all answered. So at that point it was basically a waiting game. I thought I wouldn't hear until AT LEAST tomorrow. I was wrong again. At about 10pm tonight I checked my email and saw that at 7:46pm I received an email from Scott at ACC. I had been accepted based on my application and they wanted to talk to my references but they were moving forward and proceeding with the assumption that I will be coming. THIS FALL! I have to be there NEXT THURSDAY. As in the 25th. August 25th. For orientation. I read the email and started crying because I was so overwhelmed with joy and just God's presence in all of it. All the doors to Alaska have been open and the doors to Colorado haven't necessarily been closed but just not opened very wide.

So, long story short... I am moving to Alaska in about 8 days! YIKES! Big yikes! But I am so excited too! God is so amazing! I can't believe all this has happened within a matter of just 36-48 hours. It's incredible! Sunday afternoon/early evening Alaska was the farthest thing from my mind and heart. And now I am moving there in a week. That can't be anything BUT God!

This ride has been wild, that's for sure but it's also been so worth it! I asked God for adventure and I am getting it. 10 Fold!

I was telling my stepmom tonight that it seems a little irresponsible to me. Like I feel like I should be following all the "rules" of turning in two weeks, planning way in advance for this, saving money, etc... Everyone I have talked to has said that sometimes it pays to have reckless abandon for God. I couldn't agree more! I have always wanted this kind of adventure and I am finally getting it. I couldn't be more excited and at peace!

Here's to a new chapter in my life!

Learning to be recklessly HIS,
Christina

adventure calling...

Knock, knock?
Who's there?
Adventure.
Adventure who?
Adventure is calling you to come and live a life that you always ached for but never took for yourself...

I am going to post an email I sent the girls in my small group... Girls I just adore and have left a little piece of my heart with each of them. But first, let me give a little background. I have always wanted to live a life full of adventure and I have really always wanted to live it in the mountains. This desire was placed in my heart as a little girl, maybe God even placed it there before I was born, I don't know. I just know it's been there forever. I squashed this desire my whole life because of messages I had received: "You're not good enough," "you'll never make it," "you're so stupid," "you will fail"... I think you get the general idea. Well, since reading Captivating and Seizing Your Divine Moment (both books that I highly recommend), and talking with the girls in my small group, and then listening to my friend Wendy Bell speak on Sunday night, that desire has awakened within me and is a living, breathing part of who I am. And because of that I have to feed it and can no longer ignore it and continue to live in a world ruled by fear and envy of everyone else living this life that I have always wanted for myself. So I have begun the process of actively pursuing this life elsewhere.

I asked this amazing group of friends to pray for me and I pose the same to you... Partner with me in prayer, and because I know some of you don't pray - or don't pray to the same God that I do - just keep me in your thoughts on this.

Read on...

Hi girls...

I just wanted to fill you in on something and have you start praying for me now. I don't know if any of you noticed the shirt I was wearing yesterday but it was a shirt from Alaska Christian College in, obviously, Alaska. A few years ago my dad and stepmom served there on staff for 6 months of what should have been a 2-year commitment. Due to marital problems, that they have since resolved, they left and came back to Kansas. One of my sisters also went to school there for a semester. I visited for a week and fell in love with it! It's beautiful there!

Also, yesterday for those of you that weren't at small group, Kathy started the discussion on why I am still here when I want so badly to move away. I had originally thought Colorado was the place for me, and still kind of do since it's closer to home than Alaska, but felt ill at ease with the idea of moving there so quickly when I just set a goal to be there within 2 years from now. Last night I was laying in bed until all hours of the night really struggling with where I am going and what I am doing (or really not doing) in life and how badly I want adventure and for God to just speak to me. I shot straight up at 2:15am, immediately went to the computer and got on the
website for Alaska Christian College ( www.alaskachristiancollege.org if you're
interested in checking it out) and then emailed my dad. The idea popped into my
head and I felt the impression on my heart that I needed to at least look into
the possibility of going there. I asked my dad to send me the contact information for who I would need to speak with and asked him to also contact them and let them know I would be calling or emailing or something. The really cool thing through all of this was that I felt and still feel surprisingly at peace with the whole idea. I don't know why. I just know that once I emailed my dad and spent a little time on the website I went right to sleep and slept through the night. Today, I couldn't wait to hear back from my dad and just emailed through their website to the general email address. I have NO IDEA where God is going with this. I may not even end up there but I just know that God is with me on this.

Another opportunity is in Colorado. A few weeks ago, some of you might remember, Richie and Dana Fike led the worship at New Community. I had heard them when they were here last year and bought their cd last year and I am moved by their music. They pastor a church in Colorado Springs which is exactly the place I plan on moving to and Vanguard Church is one of the churches that I had planned on visiting once I got there. Right after this email I am going to contact them and tell them I am a member of Heartland and just share a little of my story with them and a little about the desires of my heart. I will ask them to keep their ears and eyes open for ANY possible job openings in that area and for ANY possible people that might want a roommate sometime soon.

After both small group and singing "Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee..." last night at Fusion after Wendy spoke, and a couple of emails from Dana in which she has prompted me to "ask God for adventure" and to be open to his idea of adventure in my life, and after reading Seizing Your Divine Moment, I just really feel the need to act on this. I have never really lived a life of adventure. Sure I have had adventures on vacation or doing things I shouldn't be doing or just doing little things here and there but I have never lived the life I have always dreamed of and now I want it. More than anything. I need it. And I also feel I deserve it and since my life here isn't working out the way I had thought it would then maybe he has something so amazing for me somewhere else that I am missing out on while moping around here. Again I have no idea where all of this is going. I just know that I am going
somewhere. And, for once, I am more calm than scared. Oh, I am still scared but
there's a bigger part that's calm. Just partner with me in prayer on this. I know you will. I love you girls so much. And no matter where I end up I expect you to come and visit me!

You all have my heart,
cja--

That's the email that I sent yesterday to my girls. I did email Richie Fike in Colorado a somewhat bold email telling him about myself, the desires of my heart, and asked him to partner with me in prayer and to keep his eyes and ears open. I felt really awkward about emailing him and asking him to do that since he has no idea who I am but we are called to be a little bold in our faith. And already I feel better, like a weight has been lifted. I don't know where I will end up but I know it will be somewhere spectacular!

I will keep you all posted, of course, as things progress.

welcome to the world...

I have to send congratulations to my sister, Lisa, and her husband, 'Berto, who just brought little Roberto Enrice Lemus, Jr. into this world. Roberto Jr. joins his sister, Anevay Faith-Marie, who will be 2 in just a couple weeks! He came into this world this morning at around 8:15 at just over 7lbs. Once I have pictures I will post them here.

This makes me an aunt 7 times over. My oldest sister, Traci, and her husband, Tom, have 5 kids: Elizabeth Katherine is 9, Daniel Isaiah is 6, Josiah Mark is 4, Hannah Grace is 2, and Rebekah Joy is about 7 mos old. I am so blessed!

my mini-retreat...

We had a big storm this weekend and we have a creek that runs through our backyard. It was a perfect opportunity to take pictures yesterday while the creek was still fairly high but not roaring like it had been. I feel so blessed to have a mini-vacation spot in my backyard! I spent three hours laying in the hammock yesterday (it was about 70 degrees) and actually got chilly, which was a very welcome change.

another musical post...

Do you ever watch a commercial and just love the music and you're left wondering Who is that? What song is that? How do I find out? Don't you wish they put the name of the song and the artist at the bottom of the screen like they do on MTV when they show music videos?

Well, I give you... What's that Called? It's a database that is frequently updated with commercials and what songs are featured on them. Music from TV Commercials is another one but I seem to like the first one best.

A few days ago I downloaded a bunch of songs and made a great cd 0f 19 tracks and almost all of them are from TV commercials.
Days Go By/Dirty Vegas - Mitsubishi
Dance to the Underground/Radio 4 - Mitsubishi
Starry Eyed Surprise/Oakenfold - Diet Coke
Stick Em Up/Quarashi - Mitsubishi
Uncontrollable Urge/DEVO - Mitsubishi
I Want to Break Free/Queen - Coca-Cola C2
Fine and Dandy/Bike Ride - Mitsubishi (and I think it's also in a new Adidas commercial)
Jerk It Out/Caesars - iPod
Molly's Chambers/Kings of Leon - Volkswagen
Move On/Jet - not featured in a commercial that I know of
Way of the Light/The Gift of Gab - also not in a commercial
Rollover DJ/Jet - none
Cannonball/The Breeders - none
Name of the Game/Crystal Method - Mitsubishi
New Year/The Breeders - none
Song 2/Blur - Nissan
Positive Contact/Deltron 3030 - Mitsubishi
Are You Gonna Be My Girl/Jet - none
Dance to the Underground (remix)/Radio 4

Mitsubishi takes the cake for best use of music in their commercials.

I am working on another compilation cd featuring more commercial music (Gap, Levi's, Saturn, Target, more Nissan stuff, and even more Mitsubishi stuff).

I went and saw Must Love Dogs the other night and saw a preview for Rent: the Movie based on the musical of the same name. It was a great preview featuring the stars of the movie singing 525, 600 minutes from the soundtrack interspersed with clips of the movie. I got the chills and literally teared up during this trailer! I can't wait for the movie! Taye Diggs is starring and I just love him!

love and football...

Before I get to the important stuff I just have an update for you: Apparently "Gatorade" is not all what I originally thought it to be. I went out a few nights ago with the boy that inspired that post. I was sorely disappointed. As I told a friend of mine, it was a waste of time and a cute outfit - not to mention a very poetic post. While I was disappointed at the time I have spent no time since then sulking over it or moping about the house, crying in my beer. My life is much too precious to spend it pining after a boy who, clearly, doesn't want to be pined after, by me anyway. Plus, I want someone who will pine after me. Oh I suspect we will still be friends but the romance I perceived was all just conjured in my head.

Now, on to bigger and better things... Do you know what today is? It's the pre-season opener for my beloved Kansas City Chiefs. Can I just tell you how I excited I am about football season? I love this time of year! I always get a little giddy about mid-August! The tailgating. The beer. The Chiefs parties. The sitting on the edge of my seat. The "Benchwarmers" (hot cocoa spiked with peppermint schnapps - it's SCRUMMY!). The chill in the air that makes my nose and cheeks even pinker than they already are. The crowds. The wondering if THIS will finally be our year. Yes. I love this time of year. When I start hearing the Chiefs theme song on a regular basis on 101.1 The Fox (Chiefs Fox Football Radio Network). And that first time I hear "TOUCHDOWN KAANNSAAS CIIITY!" Or the first time I see a touchdown whether live or on tv. I am a little fanatical about it actually. We got a couple good draft picks this year that could mean at least a shot at going into postseason. But I suppose that remains to be seen and I will have to wait to see how they perform in the coming weeks and months.

"O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the"

in a bit of a funk...

This week has been hard for me. I am just in a contemplative place right now, doing a lot of soul searching. I would love to be out in the country somewhere alone for a few days or in the mountains where my heart feels most at peace but alas, I am here, in the city, at work. ~*SIGH*~

I am in a place of unrest. My soul feels weary. I feel without purpose. I shared this with my small group in an email yesterday and this is what one of them had to say to me:

Secondly, I know this is a hard struggle, seeing what God's vision is for us. I can certainly relate. What I think I would say is that when I struggle the most or feel the most stuck and immobile, then THAT is actually a real time of work that God is doing on you. Meaning, you are aware of this inertia now, and you are on the cusp, and it's really painful and He is working on you. It's a very tedious, painful thing, but there is no way to get through it but to GO THROUGH it. so, that sounds depressing doesn't it? but not really, because I think being aware of this is half the battle, and God has great plans in store for you. Ask Him for adventure. Ask Him for it!! He loves you like no other human on earth ever can or will, and yes, you are enough. He CREATED you; you are perfection to Him!!

I have heard it before and I know that she's right but lately it seems like these phases come more often and closer together. I just want to retreat and be with God and listen to him and sit on his lap and let him hold me. I feel distracted and unfocused.

I also read this today on YBMT:

Tom, what I've found... and this is just me - I don't really think what is happening to me is the answer for everyone (but I suspect it might be)... is that pure love is transforming my mind. Being free from fear and doubt is changing my mind. I see myself becoming caring and compassionate. My heart is filled with peace and love. As my mind changes, so do my actions. Coming from a perspective of pure love, everything we do, say, act... changes. If "sin" is what we do that harms ourselves, or others, then as we become more and more caring and loving, "sin" diminishes. It fades into the past of old self. It becomes less appealing, and has less power over us.

When I tried to do what I thought God would want me to do, all I really ended up doing was failing and growing in frustration. But giving up, and giving in to the love of Christ started me on a journey to an unbelievable life change. But, we can't give up until we fully trust, and we can't fully trust until we are free from fear and doubt. So, coming to understand the finished work of the cross, was the beginning of the process of transformation.

Fear only gets in the way of what God wants to do because it hampers trust. If we don't trust him completely, the sliver of control we hang onto interferes with the work of the spirit. It's hard to let go. It's hard to understand what seems so unbelievable. Perfect love really is hard to grasp. It's so outside of our way of thinking.

So anyway, I hope you can find my experience encouraging.

But if not, I'm sure Father will show you the way for yourself. As Moulder would say, "the truth is out there."

I know it obviously wasn't written for me but I feel like it was. I even told the author as much. It was exactly what I needed to hear at precisely this time of struggle.

While I do feel tired and weary right now I also feel somewhat at peace with what I am going through. I think that these times of wrestling with God and with where we are spiritually are very healthy times. I would actually be worried if I didn't go through these times. It tells me that I am not where I want to be. It shows me that I am growing in God. While it may not feel good now, I know it will eventually. To be able to look back on all the times I have struggled and wrestled and to say, "I made it through that and am better for it," is such a great feeling.

My heart is sighing.

addicted...

It seems I have an addiction lately. I don't know if any of you have seen the new TLC show Miami Ink but I've become addicted to it. It follows 5 guys who work in a tattoo parlor (one of them, Ami, owns it) and their stories and the stories of the people who come in to get inked and the stories behind the tats that they choose. Due to my addiction the show I have now become addicted to tattoos in general. I have 2 already and have ideas for a few others. They all mean something to me and I wouldn't want something that someone else has. I am intrigued with the idea of using the body as a canvas of sorts, a form of self-expression. Now I realize that some people claim that tattooing is a form of body mutilation but there's actually "evidence" of tattooing in the Bible. Isaiah 44:5 and Galatians 6:17 for instance both talk about bearing marks of the Lord on the skin/body. In Biblical times it was actually widely accepted to be tattooed or marked.

Like I said, I have several ideas/designs brewing in my head. There's a Christian tattoo artist here in Kansas City that I plan to make a few visits to - over a few years, no doubt. Who knows, maybe someday I will post them on here but for now I must keep my ideas to myself.

beautiful...

I watched her and was intrigued. She was awkward and shy. Her femininity hid behind a schlumpy walk, masculine clothes, and a longer boyish haircut. When she sat she did so with her legs either spread out in front of her or one flung across the other lazily, ankle to knee, the way a man would sit. Her delicate features were masked by the oversized glasses that she wore and her face was naked and clean; her complexion, pale and flawless. High cheekbones. Perfectly arched eyebrows. Full lips. A cute nose. She wasn't, by any means, ugly, even by society's standards.

I continued non-chalantly watching her as she ate, mouth open, chewing wildly. She sat hunched over, close to her plate so her hands didn't have far to travel from plate to mouth. Her arms were long and seemed to get in her own way as she maneuvered them through lunch. It seemed that she hadn't quite grown into herself really. She wasn't aware of her body and the way it moved. She hadn't yet accepted its grace.

Her fingernails were dirty and chewed off the night before as she sat alone in her apartment again with the tv set her only company. Her eyes fixed on what lay before her, only glancing to the left or right when someone passed too closely. All her walls were up. I had the distinct feeling that she hated eating in public where people could look at her and watch her, come too close and see that she wasn't proper and lady-like and then judge her for lacking the femininity and grace that seemed to come so effortlessly for other women.

She finished eating and then did something remarkably simple, something that most women do upon completion of a meal, but something that was also moving to me. She removed a small, but delicate, silver compact from her pocket. She carefully checked her face and her teeth for telltale signs of the meal she'd just eaten. She brought a napkin to her lips and wiped gently, ran a finger over her eyebrows smoothing them out, and applied a quick coat of soft pink lipgloss to her lips. Satisfied with what she saw she closed the compact and slid it in her pocket, glanced around, got up, and left. All of this was done in graceful, fluid-like motions. Long and elegant limbs.

She may have hated eating in public but that just meant that once she finished she could relax and be the self that she usually was. And I quickly forgot my previous notion that she wasn't yet aware of her body, not fully grown into it, and that she hadn't yet accepted its grace. In that moment as I sat watching her watching herself in her compact she was nothing but grace. In that moment, she let the world in even if it was just a little bit. She let them see that she was proud of how she looked. In that moment, even in all her tomboyishness, she was beautiful. And I think she knew it full well.

I was eating lunch today and saw a girl who inspired this post.

rodents and tires and bugs, oh my!

I am back from a long weekend in Manhattan, KS at my dad's new house. It was a hard weekend, working on gutting the place so that they can remodel. We tore out fiberglass insulation and tile ceiling to reveal BEAUTIFUL wood-panel, sloped ceilings. We found a couple scorpions (yes, we have those in Kansas!). We found 3 brown recluse spiders. Nida and I alone hauled 14 carts of trash to the curb to be picked up, including 20 (TWENTY!) old tires that had been thrown back in the woods behind the house. We kept the cleanest looking one for the tire-swing. We found old car parts. In the garage Nida climbed up onto the loft and tossed down garbage. Then she found a bucket. She moved it and screamed. It had sloshed on her and she said, "It smells like human waste!" I went and got my dad and he hauled it off. When he came back he said a mouse and a rat had died in there. NICE! Apparently the mouse had a huge growth on its neck and was seriously decomposing.

The funniest part of the weekend: Talking to Nida I said, "I am so sore from all that hammering and screwing I did yesterday." Not meaning for it to sound remotely as dirty as she took it!
The best part of the weekend: The hot tub at the hotel. We stayed in a hotel because the house wasn't ready to be lived in yet. The hot tub was a welcome oasis at the end of every night!
Most disappointing part of the weekend: Our plans to cook over open fire on the beach under a blanket of stars on Sunday night were foiled by millions (and I do mean millions) of baby dragonflies that had infested the area. They sure do love that driftwood!

When it's all done it is going to be beautiful! A retreat for family and friends! I am already planning a trip to go down with friends hopefully in late-September/early-October to stay there and hike around the Kanza Prairie and the Flint Hills and drink wine in the cool evening while sitting on the front deck looking towards the lake and up towards the stars. All the leaves will be changing and it will be SPECTACULAR! Fall is my favorite season for sure! I can't wait!

Having never spent any time in Manhattan whatsoever, I discovered that it's not such a bad town after all. Yes, I actually said that. Out loud. On my blog. In written form for all to read. I feel like a traitor to Lawrence, home of the Jayhawk!

It's good to be home sleeping in my own bed and back in the blogging world. I missed all my internet friends! I wish it had been more of a vacation though. I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.

traveling this weekend...

Hi friends! I have been insanely busy the past couple days and now, I am off to the land of the "Wild Oats" as Amy's mom would call it. My dad is moving there (much to my chagrin). He bought a place on Tuttle Creek Lake, which will be nice, but it's in Manhattan! Me being a Jayhawk I am just dreading this. He actually was wearing a KState Jersey in my presence the other day and I asked him why. He said, "Only because it's clean." That made me feel a little better knowing his KU jersey is dirty, which means that he has worn it recently. Anyhow, I will be gone until Monday evening and probably won't be posting between now and then but I will miss you all and will be thinking of you while I am relaxing at the Lake. Peace out! Live well!

music in motion...

Freewriter has tagged me to name my 10 favorite songs that I have been listening to recently. So in no particular oder...

Green Eyes/Coldplay - I like to think that it was written about me; I have green eyes.
Simple/Glen Phillips - I'm jagged rock/You, waterfall/Your gentle touch/You wear me down/'til I am smooth/'til I allow/'til I can bend/'til I can bow.

Dangling Conversation/Simon & Garfunkel - I grew up listening to all their stuff and the lyrics of this song in particular are deeply affecting to me. It speaks poignantly of the distance, the superficiality and the chasm that now exists between two people, lovers, who have grown apart in the shadows that wash the room.

All the Wild Horses/Ray Lamontagne - Equal parts melancholy and a little bit dreamy. Ray beckons me into an adventure where no man's reigns can ever chain me. His voice in this song is like a fleece skimming my skin, wrapping around me, warm and comfy.
All We Ever Find/Tim McGraw - Holding out for that kind of love.
Somewhere I Belong/Linkin Park - A rock ballad for the human condition; isn't that what we all desire?
Faithfully/Journey - Still one of my favorites after all these years, probably a little trite but I just love that song!
Car Wash/Rose Royce - I just can't sit still when this is on.
I Will Not Take These Things For Granted/Toad the Wet Sprocket - 'Nuff said really.
Breathe/Telepopmusik - I fell in love with this song when I first heard it on that Mitsubishi commercial.

So now I tag Amy, Rachel, Ivy, and Cari.

so, you are what you eat?

Here's a funny story: The other night, the night of the date debate and the late debate, I was, as you know, hanging out with Anand and my new friend Sam. We were eating Indian food that Anand made and Sam started feeding it to one of his dogs (don't remember if it was Calvin or Hobbs, but whatever) and he says, speaking baby-talk of course, "Yeah, now you're Indian. You're an Indian dog now puppy!" I said, "Gives new meaning to the phrase, 'You are what you eat.'" And Sam says, smiling wildly, "Yeah. That's why I'm a guy."

Blank stares. Blinking lashes. Crickets chirping. Um yeah... he never really explained that one.