meet my fiance...

I am in the process of reading Captivating right now and if I have not mentioned it before - it's a phenomenal book! I recommend it to anyone - male and female alike.

It has prompted much thought and discovery in this ol' mind and heart of mine. Perhaps the most thrilling, the most precious discovery I have made was stirred by the chapter on Romance. Blew me away! It forced me to look at God's love for me in a whole new light: as the LOVER of my soul, my romantic lover. This seemed so weird to me at first. I felt "dirty" for thinking about him that way. I mean, my Creator, my Father, the God of the universe as my lover?? No way dude! That's just too weird and certainly it's sacrelige to even think about that. But the more I read the more it made sense to me and the more I realized that God really does desire to be my lover and that he desires the same devotion from me - intimate, personal, fiery, fierce, passionate. This was astounding to me! And beautiful. And sacred. My God gives me kisses daily that I have, until now, been ignoring or writing off as just natural everyday things. He wants to lure me into the desert and speak tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14). He whispers in my ear. He calls me "Darling." He loves me. He cherishes me. He wants to court me.

There was a shift in my thinking and my feelings about myself when it really started to sink in how deeply he feels about me. It's been a long time since I felt "captivating" deep in my heart. A couple of years ago (when I was a size 6 and was tan and beautiful) I felt I was pretty - the prettiest I had ever been but I didn't feel captivating. I felt that if someone got close to me they would like me for the way I looked but once they started getting to know me they would run. Fast! I was in a relationship for 9 months that year and then, literally overnight, he left me. My fears were proven true and I was afraid of my beauty and began hiding it in order to protect my heart. The past year I have taken steps to regain who I am in my heart, relearn how beautiful I am inside. This chapter just made it all click. It all came together and I feel like a brand new woman. I am reminded of this song actually:

Lookin' out on the mornin' rain/I used to feel uninspired/And when I knew I had to face another day/Oh it made me feel so tired/Before the day I met you/Life was so unkind/But your love was the key to my peace of mind/Cause you make me feel/You make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/When my soul was in the lost and found/You came along to claim it/And didn't know just what was wrong with me/Oh 'til your kiss helped me name it/Now I'm no longer doubtful/Of what I'm livin' for/Cause if I make you happy/I don't need to do more/Cause you make me feel/You make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/Oh baby what you've done to me/You make me feel so good inside/Good inside/And I, I just wanna be close to you/Because you make me feel so alive/Oh what you've done to me/Close to you because you make me feel so alive/You make me feel/You make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/WomanYou make me feelYou make me feel/You make me feel/Like a natural woman/You make me feel/Oh baby what you do to me/Can make me feel so good inside/I just wanna be, I just wanna be/Oh what you've done/Natural woman

Honestly, I think that is the best summation of how I feel.

After years of hearing - and believing - that I am worthless, ugly, stupid, not enough, and too much, I finally am hearing - and believing - a different voice. The voice of my Lover whispering to me, "My beautiful fiance! Don't you know that you are precious to me? You are so stunning and alluring. And the mountains? The mountains that you love so much and gaze upon with so much wanderlust? They pale in comparison to the vibrant beauty that you are. You have captured my heart completely and caught my eye and I LOVE you. Won't you come away with me and be my bride?"

I am the luckiest girl in the world. The greatest Man in the universe chose me. ME!

Thank you God for loving me that much! You are my Breath. My Life. My Hope. My Lover. Forever. I am Yours!