can i get an amen?

So today has been a very good day. It's just been full of wonderful insights that God has shown me and I just love it when he does that. He uses simple things to show me profound truths. Isn't he just the raddest ever? He completely rocks my socks off sometimes.

Just today, while I was in the shower no less, I had an epiphany. It occurred to me that this is the first time in my life when I am not doing for everyone else. I am not seeking approval of my dad or of someone else. I am not looking for a pat on the back. I am not striving for accolades. I am finally doing for me and for God - not to gain his approval, because I already have that - but to know him, to walk with him. I want to know him in the intimate places. This is the first time that I have been aware that I am not doing for someone else. My whole life has been built around earning love and acceptance and accolades. I don't have to earn anything. I already have it; it's there, free for the taking. Once I decided to take a step of faith and be a little reckless, that's when I have felt the most safe. Now that I have stopped striving I feel the most loved. My dad is proud of me for finally not caring what he thinks or what anyone else thinks and instead doing only what I feel God has called me into doing. My dad is proud of me and my Daddy, Abba God, is proud of me too.

Tonight, a small group of us gathered for Bible study. Ryan opened the group by reading a passage from the book Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. The passage talked about how when you look through a magnifying glass it makes the object larger than it is in reality but when you look through a telescoping lens it shows the object in its reality - for what it is. We went on to talk about how we should magnify God but through a telescoping lens and not with a microscope - we should see him as he is, nothing more, nothing less. I think sometimes we - or at least I know that sometimes I - make God bigger than he is. We think he's too big for us, too big to help us with what it is we need help with, too busy for us, or we think our problems are too miniscule to bother God with them. We think how insignificant we are and how significant God is. We think about all these other things and we forget that he isn't too busy for us, or too powerful to be able to get us over the small hurdles we're facing. He is small enough to hear us and even better he cares. How sweet is that?

I was listening to Derek Webb today and some of his lyrics just really stood out to me. He has a song "I Repent" that is full of things we can repent for that often go overlooked. He brings these things out into the light:

"I repent of living like I deserve anything." ~ I don't deserve an ounce of what he's blessed me with and yet I live like I deserve all of it and so much more. And I live like I deserve to have it handed to me on a silver platter. I don't even think about it. My greediness and pride just ooze out of me without my even thinking about it.

"I repent of paying for what I get for free and for the way I believe that I am living right by trading sins for others that are easier to hide." ~ This one hit me hard. Salvation was given to us, free of charge, as a gift, and yet I still insist on paying for it every day. I still insist on suffering for my sins that I have committed that he has forgiven me for and that he has already thrown into the sea "as far as the East is from the West." Why? Why do I insist on living my life like that? Can't I just accept what was given to me as a precious, cherished gift and live like I have been redeemed instead of constantly feeling like I need to do penance for these sins I commit? Do I cover up "more serious" sins with other "more acceptable" sins? (Of course those descriptions are how society might view them; no sin is acceptable to God.) I am called to be authentic before my Savior, to be forthright. If I confess with my mouth and believe with my heart, I will be saved. But if I don't and I try to hide them what good does that do? It only torments me.

"I repent of confusing peace and idolatry by caring more for what they think than what I know of what I need by domesticating you until you look just like me." ~ I haven't yet read The Chronicles of Narnia but I am told that there's a passage in there when the children are talking about Aslan, the Lion. One of them asks, "Is he safe?" And the other answers, "No, he's not safe but he's good." God isn't safe. We can't domesticate him and make him just like us and yet we try. I heard something the other day, maybe in a class but then I can't remember exactly where but it doesn't matter really. The person said, "It's scary enough to have water in the boat; but it's even scarier to have God in the boat."Ain't that the truth? It can be terrifying to put all your faith in God, in someone you cannot see. It's not safe to do that at all. But in a way I love that it's a little dangerous. He will give me an adventure beyond my wildest dreams. He already has! I am living it NOW - even as I type this.

I am not perfect, I don't want to be perfect. I make mistakes and even when I make mistakes I glorify God. When I am weak he is made strong. He wants to use this fractured vessel of mine to carry his love out into the world. I am okay with that because it means his love will just leak out through the cracks a little along the way.

I love you God!