something meant just for me...

Which of the following would be most likely to ruin a 10-day California vacation over the holidays?
A. Lots of time to do nothing but watch movies and hang out with the best cousins in the world
B. Finally seeing Chronicles of Narnia - not once but twice
C. Being hit with both a sinus infection and the flu virus and having to spend 5 hours in the ER
D. Your cousin's screaming-without-ceasing 10-month old baby

Yeah, it's been great. I love that I have been able to spend time with my favorite cousins. That part has been a lot of fun. But I have had a high-grade fever since Tuesday and every day I have felt a little more debilitated. Today, when it took me a whole hour just to get dressed after my shower because I was exhausted, I decided I should probably go in to the ER. Since I am a student I don't have insurance currently so I wasn't really looking forward to the hefty bill. 5 hours later I learned I have both a sinus infection and the flu virus. One's treatable, the other's not. The good news is that the hospital I went to has a financial aid program and I was told that my entire bill will probably be completely covered. And my prescription antibiotic was free. There's a pharmacy here in town that is giving away the exact drug I needed. They'll give a 10-day supply as long as you have a prescription. Those 2 things made me feel better almost immediately. I have started the antibiotic and I feel even better besides the fact that my fever has broke and I am now sweating profusely.

At one point today in the waiting room I leaned my head on my Aunt Hope's shoulder. I started crying. She knew why and she just rubbed my arm. It was just really hard having her take me to the ER. It was like I was little again and my mom was taking me to the doctor. For a long time my mom couldn't come with me to the doctor or the ER because of her immune system. She was so susceptible to the illnesses there. I just cried and she let me. Then later at the pharmacy, something about the way she was standing and the way she was nurturing and how she insisted on buying me soup and something about the way she was just there for me made me just break down all over again. It was all kind of a healing experience in a way too. I think it was a way for me to experience my mother's nurturing love that she wasn't really able to give most of the time because of her illness. I can't explain it but then I guess I don't have to and maybe I shouldn't anyways. Maybe God planned this to be a private thing, a special thing. Maybe it was something meant just for me.

merry christmas!

As I suspected I haven't been able to check my email or update my blog for about a week now. And I am not sure when I will be able to check it after tonight.

California is great! It's wonderful to see my family again. My mom's identical twin sister lives here and all my cousins. I haven't seen any of them for 4.5 years and I miss them immensely. It was, however, strange to sit across the table from my aunt who looks so much like Mom it's insane. She looks like her, talks like her, laughs like her, stands like her, everything. I actually have almost called her Mom a few times since I have been here which is just strange. I cried yesterday because of this. It's like I am looking at my mom and it's comforting and awkward all at the same time. I find myself staring at her a lot of the time. Most of you know my mom passed away 5.5 years ago now so you can imagine how surreal this all is. I can't really put it into words. Aunt Hope (my mom's name was Faith) will say something and it will be something funny or off-the-wall or something and if it had been my mom I would have responded by saying, "Oh, Moo-oom!" I have wanted to do that a few times. Hopey will respond to things in the exact same way that I imagine Mom would if she were here. I can almost predict what she will say or how she'll respond. I haven't really experienced this before, not even 5 years ago when I was here and Hopey and I were able to spend time together. What a blessing it is that I still have Hope to keep my mother's memory so alive and vivid.

I am staying with my cousin Josh and his wife Angie and today their friend Sal stopped by the house. Josh introduced me as his cousin and I could just feel Sal looking at me and then he said, "You look like you're related to Hope." And last night we were all at dinner celebrating my other cousin Brian's graduation from WyoTech. I was walking out with Larry (my uncle) and had my arm hooked in his when a friend of their's that they hadn't seen for a while came up and shook Larry's hand and then looked at me and squinted and said, "Hope? You look good!" I explained that I am her niece. When my mom was alive I was always told that I look so much like her. And when friends see pictures of Mom when she was young they think it's me. I am blessed. My dad always says, "Thank God she looks like her mother!" My mom was beautiful so I take it as a compliment. I used to be annoyed by it because I wanted to look like just ME and not anyone else. But now I kind of like it, it's kinda nice actually. I miss her! But I am so thankful that I have Hopey who in a way keeps my mom alive.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I LOVE YOU ALL!

charge me with neglect...

WHEW! I made it through finals - thankfully with As on all of them. But to pull that off I had to neglect my blog. And I have missed it. This becomes quite addicting after a while. Anyhow, I have missed posting and I promise to return to regularly scheduled programming soon.

I am currently in Anchorage, drove up today from Soldotna. I am staying the night here tonight with friends and then will fly home to KC tomorrow night - late... Actually won't even arrive in KC until almost 2 Sunday afternoon. I will be there 'til Friday when I fly to California for 10 days to visit my aunt and then back home before heading back here to Alaska on the 8th. I promise I will try to post regulary over Christmas. I don't know how often "regularly" is - as often as I can, I suppose.

I hope that you all are well. And I can't wait to see you in KC - those of you that read this that live in KC anyways.

Love to all,
cja

dark thread and gold thread...

This is something I have been thinking about the last couple days.

Have you ever seen a tapestry? Have you ever seen the back of one? The back side of a tapestry is less obvious than the front side. You can kind of see the picture but the colors are muted and it's not as clear. There might be some snags in the threading and things might look a little confusing. But if you turn the tapestry over and step back and take a look at the big picture you can see how each individual thread contributes to the whole of the image. There may be some dark threads and some gold threads woven in there too. Each is equally as important. The gold threads are important because they help paint the beautiful picture. The dark ones are just as important because without them the gold threads wouldn't mean as much. They wouldn't be as bright and we might fail to see just how the dark ones contribute and contrast with the gold ones. Without them the gold ones wouldn't be gold. They would be just another thread. And together all these threads tell a story. A beautiful, colorful, poignant story - full of dark threads and gold threads.

Life is a lot like a tapestry. On the back side, underneath the surface, things might look kind of confusing. There might be some snags in the weave. At any given moment I might not be able to see the whole picture, what exactly God is doing in my life, what exactly I am here for. The image might be a little unclear. But if I step outside myself and look at the sum of the picture, I will see something quite different. The story I weave is quite magnificent. There are dark threads - the moments when I am desperate and discouraged, seeking and thirsty. There are golden moments - those breathtaking, life-giving moments when the Son shines down on me and I am resplendent with God's grace and love and blessings. There are other colorful threads - the moments in the in-between. The dark threads are what challenge me to be always growing and striving for more golden moments. The golden moments are what get me through the darker ones. And the colorful moments are when I do the growing and living and making up the larger part of my story. All these threads - or moments - together make up a story. My story. Beautiful. Colorful. Poignant. The sum of the threads together is far greater, far more beautiful than the individual threads.

The best part of this tapestry is that God is my weaver. He had my tapestry designed in his heart long before he started weaving it. He had it mapped out. He knows exactly what he is doing and where each thread should go, where it will be most effective and why. He knows what the end result will be, what the tapestry will look like when this side of my life is over. He knows every detail of my past story and every detail of my future story. And he knows that while I might make mistakes and put a snag in the weave, he prepares for it ahead of time and still manages to make the story of my life beautiful. Perfectly flawed!

it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...

It has been almost a full week since I have posted to my blog and I miss it. I think about all of my Internet friends daily. I will post again soon, I have an idea for a really good post so stay tuned.

The last week has been mad-busy with starting to study for finals next week and I have 4 papers due tomorrow and 3 more due next week and I have been trying to maintain some semblance of sanity amidst the frenzy too. I haven't forgotten you.

In the meantime, here is a photo album of some pictures I took on a trip to Homer, AK a little over a month ago. Homer is a quaint little fishing village about 1 1/2 - 2 hours from here. It is so far my favorite place here in Alaska. We went down for First Fridays, when they open all the art galleries and have appetizers available. And then we had some yummy pizza at Fat Olives. The pictures are of the ride down and of dinner since photographs were not allowed in any of the art galleries. I hope you enjoy!


And if you haven't seen the old movie It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World rent it! You won't be disappointed!

a heavy week... a heavy heart...

It's been quite a week here at Alaska Christian College. All regular classes were cancelled and we instead did a one-week intensive Biblical Counseling training session with the Schnupps. Apparently they are pretty widely known and acclaimed Bible counselors who come to ACC once a year to hold this workship. We had a lot of lectures and received some counseling as well. It's been a very intense, emotional week but also very productive in terms of growth for me and I think for the campus as a whole. Some things came up for me that I have not dealt with. It was good to begin the healing process and start to see some changes for me internally. I know there is more healing that needs to take place but this week was cathartic. I have a new-found hope.

Today was also a sad day. Every Friday we gather for "Family Matters." It's just a time when we come together as a community, as a family, and just talk about issues. Sometimes it's a happy thing and sometimes it's not. Today was a "not" day. One of our students left today. He was the first one all semester and when you're a small community - or large family, rather - you feel it and you feel it deeply. I understand the reasons he had to go but it just breaks my heart to see someone hurting so badly that they that they choose to not take the path that would have led him to full restoration. I think back over my interactions with him. Was I always kind? Did my heart reach out to his? Did I do everything I could to bring him along side on the road to Jesus? Sadly, I had to answer no to those questions. I wasn't always kind. I did try to reach out to him but didn't do EVERYTHING I could. If I had, perhaps he would still be here. That is what breaks my heart the most, I think. Could I have made the significant difference he would have needed? I know God has a plan for this young man in his life and I just have to pray and have faith that God will raise him up out of proverbial death and revive his heart and heal him in all the broken places. All those places that are too ugly to show so we hide them under our masks. God wants to give him a crown of beauty instead of ashes. That has to be enough for me.