something meant just for me...

Which of the following would be most likely to ruin a 10-day California vacation over the holidays?
A. Lots of time to do nothing but watch movies and hang out with the best cousins in the world
B. Finally seeing Chronicles of Narnia - not once but twice
C. Being hit with both a sinus infection and the flu virus and having to spend 5 hours in the ER
D. Your cousin's screaming-without-ceasing 10-month old baby

Yeah, it's been great. I love that I have been able to spend time with my favorite cousins. That part has been a lot of fun. But I have had a high-grade fever since Tuesday and every day I have felt a little more debilitated. Today, when it took me a whole hour just to get dressed after my shower because I was exhausted, I decided I should probably go in to the ER. Since I am a student I don't have insurance currently so I wasn't really looking forward to the hefty bill. 5 hours later I learned I have both a sinus infection and the flu virus. One's treatable, the other's not. The good news is that the hospital I went to has a financial aid program and I was told that my entire bill will probably be completely covered. And my prescription antibiotic was free. There's a pharmacy here in town that is giving away the exact drug I needed. They'll give a 10-day supply as long as you have a prescription. Those 2 things made me feel better almost immediately. I have started the antibiotic and I feel even better besides the fact that my fever has broke and I am now sweating profusely.

At one point today in the waiting room I leaned my head on my Aunt Hope's shoulder. I started crying. She knew why and she just rubbed my arm. It was just really hard having her take me to the ER. It was like I was little again and my mom was taking me to the doctor. For a long time my mom couldn't come with me to the doctor or the ER because of her immune system. She was so susceptible to the illnesses there. I just cried and she let me. Then later at the pharmacy, something about the way she was standing and the way she was nurturing and how she insisted on buying me soup and something about the way she was just there for me made me just break down all over again. It was all kind of a healing experience in a way too. I think it was a way for me to experience my mother's nurturing love that she wasn't really able to give most of the time because of her illness. I can't explain it but then I guess I don't have to and maybe I shouldn't anyways. Maybe God planned this to be a private thing, a special thing. Maybe it was something meant just for me.

merry christmas!

As I suspected I haven't been able to check my email or update my blog for about a week now. And I am not sure when I will be able to check it after tonight.

California is great! It's wonderful to see my family again. My mom's identical twin sister lives here and all my cousins. I haven't seen any of them for 4.5 years and I miss them immensely. It was, however, strange to sit across the table from my aunt who looks so much like Mom it's insane. She looks like her, talks like her, laughs like her, stands like her, everything. I actually have almost called her Mom a few times since I have been here which is just strange. I cried yesterday because of this. It's like I am looking at my mom and it's comforting and awkward all at the same time. I find myself staring at her a lot of the time. Most of you know my mom passed away 5.5 years ago now so you can imagine how surreal this all is. I can't really put it into words. Aunt Hope (my mom's name was Faith) will say something and it will be something funny or off-the-wall or something and if it had been my mom I would have responded by saying, "Oh, Moo-oom!" I have wanted to do that a few times. Hopey will respond to things in the exact same way that I imagine Mom would if she were here. I can almost predict what she will say or how she'll respond. I haven't really experienced this before, not even 5 years ago when I was here and Hopey and I were able to spend time together. What a blessing it is that I still have Hope to keep my mother's memory so alive and vivid.

I am staying with my cousin Josh and his wife Angie and today their friend Sal stopped by the house. Josh introduced me as his cousin and I could just feel Sal looking at me and then he said, "You look like you're related to Hope." And last night we were all at dinner celebrating my other cousin Brian's graduation from WyoTech. I was walking out with Larry (my uncle) and had my arm hooked in his when a friend of their's that they hadn't seen for a while came up and shook Larry's hand and then looked at me and squinted and said, "Hope? You look good!" I explained that I am her niece. When my mom was alive I was always told that I look so much like her. And when friends see pictures of Mom when she was young they think it's me. I am blessed. My dad always says, "Thank God she looks like her mother!" My mom was beautiful so I take it as a compliment. I used to be annoyed by it because I wanted to look like just ME and not anyone else. But now I kind of like it, it's kinda nice actually. I miss her! But I am so thankful that I have Hopey who in a way keeps my mom alive.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I LOVE YOU ALL!

charge me with neglect...

WHEW! I made it through finals - thankfully with As on all of them. But to pull that off I had to neglect my blog. And I have missed it. This becomes quite addicting after a while. Anyhow, I have missed posting and I promise to return to regularly scheduled programming soon.

I am currently in Anchorage, drove up today from Soldotna. I am staying the night here tonight with friends and then will fly home to KC tomorrow night - late... Actually won't even arrive in KC until almost 2 Sunday afternoon. I will be there 'til Friday when I fly to California for 10 days to visit my aunt and then back home before heading back here to Alaska on the 8th. I promise I will try to post regulary over Christmas. I don't know how often "regularly" is - as often as I can, I suppose.

I hope that you all are well. And I can't wait to see you in KC - those of you that read this that live in KC anyways.

Love to all,
cja

dark thread and gold thread...

This is something I have been thinking about the last couple days.

Have you ever seen a tapestry? Have you ever seen the back of one? The back side of a tapestry is less obvious than the front side. You can kind of see the picture but the colors are muted and it's not as clear. There might be some snags in the threading and things might look a little confusing. But if you turn the tapestry over and step back and take a look at the big picture you can see how each individual thread contributes to the whole of the image. There may be some dark threads and some gold threads woven in there too. Each is equally as important. The gold threads are important because they help paint the beautiful picture. The dark ones are just as important because without them the gold threads wouldn't mean as much. They wouldn't be as bright and we might fail to see just how the dark ones contribute and contrast with the gold ones. Without them the gold ones wouldn't be gold. They would be just another thread. And together all these threads tell a story. A beautiful, colorful, poignant story - full of dark threads and gold threads.

Life is a lot like a tapestry. On the back side, underneath the surface, things might look kind of confusing. There might be some snags in the weave. At any given moment I might not be able to see the whole picture, what exactly God is doing in my life, what exactly I am here for. The image might be a little unclear. But if I step outside myself and look at the sum of the picture, I will see something quite different. The story I weave is quite magnificent. There are dark threads - the moments when I am desperate and discouraged, seeking and thirsty. There are golden moments - those breathtaking, life-giving moments when the Son shines down on me and I am resplendent with God's grace and love and blessings. There are other colorful threads - the moments in the in-between. The dark threads are what challenge me to be always growing and striving for more golden moments. The golden moments are what get me through the darker ones. And the colorful moments are when I do the growing and living and making up the larger part of my story. All these threads - or moments - together make up a story. My story. Beautiful. Colorful. Poignant. The sum of the threads together is far greater, far more beautiful than the individual threads.

The best part of this tapestry is that God is my weaver. He had my tapestry designed in his heart long before he started weaving it. He had it mapped out. He knows exactly what he is doing and where each thread should go, where it will be most effective and why. He knows what the end result will be, what the tapestry will look like when this side of my life is over. He knows every detail of my past story and every detail of my future story. And he knows that while I might make mistakes and put a snag in the weave, he prepares for it ahead of time and still manages to make the story of my life beautiful. Perfectly flawed!

it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...

It has been almost a full week since I have posted to my blog and I miss it. I think about all of my Internet friends daily. I will post again soon, I have an idea for a really good post so stay tuned.

The last week has been mad-busy with starting to study for finals next week and I have 4 papers due tomorrow and 3 more due next week and I have been trying to maintain some semblance of sanity amidst the frenzy too. I haven't forgotten you.

In the meantime, here is a photo album of some pictures I took on a trip to Homer, AK a little over a month ago. Homer is a quaint little fishing village about 1 1/2 - 2 hours from here. It is so far my favorite place here in Alaska. We went down for First Fridays, when they open all the art galleries and have appetizers available. And then we had some yummy pizza at Fat Olives. The pictures are of the ride down and of dinner since photographs were not allowed in any of the art galleries. I hope you enjoy!


And if you haven't seen the old movie It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World rent it! You won't be disappointed!

a heavy week... a heavy heart...

It's been quite a week here at Alaska Christian College. All regular classes were cancelled and we instead did a one-week intensive Biblical Counseling training session with the Schnupps. Apparently they are pretty widely known and acclaimed Bible counselors who come to ACC once a year to hold this workship. We had a lot of lectures and received some counseling as well. It's been a very intense, emotional week but also very productive in terms of growth for me and I think for the campus as a whole. Some things came up for me that I have not dealt with. It was good to begin the healing process and start to see some changes for me internally. I know there is more healing that needs to take place but this week was cathartic. I have a new-found hope.

Today was also a sad day. Every Friday we gather for "Family Matters." It's just a time when we come together as a community, as a family, and just talk about issues. Sometimes it's a happy thing and sometimes it's not. Today was a "not" day. One of our students left today. He was the first one all semester and when you're a small community - or large family, rather - you feel it and you feel it deeply. I understand the reasons he had to go but it just breaks my heart to see someone hurting so badly that they that they choose to not take the path that would have led him to full restoration. I think back over my interactions with him. Was I always kind? Did my heart reach out to his? Did I do everything I could to bring him along side on the road to Jesus? Sadly, I had to answer no to those questions. I wasn't always kind. I did try to reach out to him but didn't do EVERYTHING I could. If I had, perhaps he would still be here. That is what breaks my heart the most, I think. Could I have made the significant difference he would have needed? I know God has a plan for this young man in his life and I just have to pray and have faith that God will raise him up out of proverbial death and revive his heart and heal him in all the broken places. All those places that are too ugly to show so we hide them under our masks. God wants to give him a crown of beauty instead of ashes. That has to be enough for me.

i am thankful for...

My goal was to list 10 things but I came up with far more than that.

* A wonderful home away from home and a family stand-in. Thanks to the Harris'.
* Spending Thanksgiving day on Beck Lake at The Andersons' cozy log cabin. The setting was amazing. There are a total of 3 or 4 houses on this fairly large lake and none of them visible from their cabin. The lake was frozen over with a couple inches of snow on top. I always wanted to walk out into the middle of a lake and Thanksgiving day I got to do that. The house was full of friends: new and not-so-new. The food was scrumptious. I remember sitting in a rocking chair by the big picture window, just observing: Jeff and Cassie sitting on the sofa looking at the Alaska picture book; Laura, Judy and Kris in the kitchen cooking and getting ready; Ian sleeping in another rocking chair with Kodiak at his feet; Al, Glen and Ron out in the sunroom/entry, more than likely talking about guy-things; a couple others round the eggnog bowl; and still a couple others in the cozy upstairs tv room watching a movie; then the phone rang. It was my family calling me from Topeka, Kansas. It was a classic Alaskan Thanksgiving. Yet another postcard moment. Click the picture for a slideshow of some of my favorite pics from that day.
* Walk the Line, a movie about love - a man's love for music, and his relentless attempt at pleasing his dad, but mostly about a woman's love for her man. The depth of June's love for Johnny hit me hard. She loved him through the really hard stuff, the stuff that's ugly and hard. She gently pushed him into it and she pressed into it with him.
* The time available to spend several cathartic hours (nearly all night) by the fire, feet propped on the hearth, afghan in my lap, hot tea in my hand, Celtic Christmas music softly playing in the background, two dogs at my feet, nothing to think about but my date. There's something quietly restorative about sitting for hours, listening to the "snap, crackle, pop" of a wood fire and just being present. Letting him tell me that this is all he wants for me - a life of quiet contentment in my heart, and that I can have that with him.
* Pollo and Raphie - Apollo, the 9 year old, 90 lb Boxer and Raphael, the Whippet puppy - who have lent my heart much joy this weekend and without whom my feet would be cold.
* Sleeping 'til 11am and not scraping my lazy self from the bed until 11:30 or so.
* Having a nice, extended break from school.
* Man from Snowy River marathons. Thanksgiving night, after we got back from the Lake us girls all gathered together to watch The Man from Snowy River and Return to Snowy River - two of the greatest movies ever. They've always been some favorites of mine. I would love to live a cowboy's lifestyle: saddling up one of many horses and riding through the mountains whenever I feel like it, spending nights by the bonfire with strangers - either them at your's or you at their's, living a romantic life.
* Family meals around the table, night after night. This is something I have missed in my life lately.
* The snow. Thick blankets of white, beautiful, elegant snow coating the ground.
* In about 3 weeks I will get to see my family and friends back home. I can't wait! I just have to get through finals... I'm not too worried though.
* Friends - current and past, those I have met and those I haven't yet. You have all left footprints on my heart and changed me in some way.
* Tomorrow I get to make my famous, special-recipe green bean casserole. Mmm-mmm good!
* That I get to live here, in this beautiful place and study God. I said it before, I will say it again I get to live in a postcard and I can't get over it. God blesses me daily through his creation.
* Books like God Thinks You Are Wonderful and You are Special by Max Lucado. Read them!
* Getting back to campus last night I realized how much I missed everyone and hugged everyone I saw. And when several people told me they missed me too my heart was warmed!
* Lotion. It's rather shallow maybe but not to me. It's very dry here. And without lotion I would be just one huge chunk of cracked and bleeding skin.

My friend has this quote on her blog and I love it, so I am stealing it. Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. ~ Garrison Keillor

a date made in heaven...

I had a date last night. It was not just any date; it was THEE date. It was perfect. It was surprisingly simple yet impossibly romantic and extraordinarily intimate. We sat for hours, sometimes speaking, sometimes not. I sat there by the crackling fire, feet propped on the hearth, in a rocking chair, afghan on my lap, hot tea in my hand, two dogs at my feet, Christmas music softly playing in the background, as thick, heavy snowflakes came gently drifting down from Heaven piling in thick white blankets all around.

He started off sitting across from me. We talked. We strolled down memory lane. I told him about dates I had been on in the past. I recounted those that happened before I lost myself, my innocence, while I was still untainted. I told him how those were the dates I missed the most - effortless and pure, lacking in self-doubt. And he told me how he'd been out with a prostitute or two and how deeply he loved both of them despite what his friends thought. I told him of some favorite childhood memories: how we, as a family, used to gather in the family room on snowy nights around the wood-burning stove and all sleep there together, cozy and warm; how we'd all pile in the car and drive to Truman State Park and go sledding. He told me how he and his friends would have water fights all the time; how he would playfully tease his mom; and how he worked with his dad in the family business.

While the conversations were nice and easy, it was the comfortable silences we shared, when we were just "being" together, that the most was said. I would start thinking to myself that I didn't want the night to end and he would look at me with knowing eyes, as if to say It doesn't have to, Love. I would think to myself that I could see spending all my tomorrows with him. One glance from him and he quietly told me I want to be a part of all your memories. I thought to myself how I wished I could erase all the memories from all those other guys. Then I could feel him telling me If you let me love you, you'll never think about them again. I would start thinking how I felt out-of-place, out of my league, in his presence. As if on queue, he would squeeze my hand as if to say Shhh. You are here with me because I sought you; I pursued you. And I love you.

He started off the evening sitting across from me. Throughout our time together last night he got a little bit closer. By the end of the night he was in my heart. Forever.

i love you...

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeign there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

~Roy Croft~

This is one of my favorite poems, if not the favorite. I like it because it can be written for a friend or a lover. But I like to read it like I am reading it to Jesus.

iirpak...

I have been given an Eskimo name. It's iirpak, pronounced ik-bok. I know it's not spelled like it's pronounced but it is spelled correctly. It's the Inupiat Eskimo word for Big Eyes. Harvey, one of the other students here, said to me one day, "You have big beautiful eyes. I am going to call you "Iirpak" from now on." And some days he does and some days he doesn't. I just feel honored that I was given an Eskimo name so soon. Others have been in Alaska their whole lives and have never received one.

more myself now than ever...

I was just rereading some old posts and came across this one. It's from August 11th. Just a few short days before I got the call to come to Alaska. It's interesting to read it now and see just how "depressed" and down I was at the time - unfulfilled, hopeless, purposeless, empty. Man how things have changed! It was just a week later that I applied to ACC and then another short week after that that I made the long move up North. I can't fully describe the fulfillment I have experienced these past few months.

Hosea 2:6-7 says, "Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now." God led me to a place of intense dissatisfaction and an overwhelming desire for something more, a yearning for him. And then he gave me the desires of my heart - to live in Alaska and to go to Bible College where I could immerse myself in him and root myself more deeply in him. He is my husband in this verse. I love that verse! I can see how God has done this in my own life. That verse has really come alive for me since I've been here.

The posts from then compared to now are different. They seem to be more uplifting now; but I feel more uplifted now than I did then so I guess it makes perfect sense.

It's occurred to me that my journey here has been a long time in the making. The desire for adventure that I have I remember having as a little girl. I began climbing the ladder to the roof where my dad was working at no more than 4 or 5 years old probably. I would dig in the creek parallel to our house for crawdads. When we went to Colorado on vacation I remember feeling I belonged there, on top of Pike's Peak. I was not a girlie girl by any means, at least not that I remember, my dad might tell you different, I don't know. But I don't think I was a girlie girl. I am not one now either. I prefer sweatshirts and jeans to frilly tops with lace and flowers. I prefer the outdoors to shopping. I prefer the smell of a campfire to room freshener. I prefer the crackling of a fire to the tv blaring. All of these things have been a part of who I am for a long time. God gave me these desires for a reason. And God arranged the time that these desires would be fulfilled. For a time such as this. I desired this for so long that it makes the blessing of it having been fulfilled that much sweeter now. I am more myself now than I have ever been.

And, really, hasn't that been God's plan all along?

just loosen your shirt a little...

So last night I went to "Home Group" - once a month the students split into groups and go to the homes of different staff people for dinner and dessert and to play games and such. Last night I went to my favorite professor's place, Scott Pitsch. We ate some caribou lasagna and corn souffle and settled in for a game of Worst Case Scenario. The gist of it is that you are given a scenario and then you're given three options, a, b or c, to get out of the situation and you pick the best one depending on what each option is. They could all be correct, you just pick which one's the best. We split up in teams: Scott and Sarah and I; Louisa, Andrea, and Mikala; Trinity, Cameron and Lindsey. It's my team's turn and Krista, Scott's wife, reads the card:

To best prepare for a plane crash into water you should, a - loosen your shirt a little and prepare for two jolts, one when the nose hits and one when the tail hits; b - put your hand on your seatbelt so that when the plane hits you're ready to get out since there's limited time to evacuate; or c - protect your head from windows breaking under the pressure of the water.

We discuss it amongst ourselves and decide that c is probably the best, who wants little shards of glass imbedded in your head when you're trying to escape from a plane crash in the middle of a large body of water before it sinks? Well, we were wrong. The answer is a - just loosen your shirt a little. Good to know. When I am in a plane crash all I need to remember is to loosen my shirt and I will be fine. "Attention passengers, this is your Pilot speaking. We regret to inform you that we will have to make a crash landing into water. Please loosen your shirts." What does that mean?

some things i've been digesting today...

By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the Land. Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah - from the Lord out of the heavens. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities - and also the vegetation in the land. But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. (Genesis 19:23-26.)

I am 28 years old. In the 28 years I have breathed the air I have faced hardships and endured sufferings. My past is a past full of shame, full of pain, full of anger, bitterness, and trials. Trials of all kinds: of the heart, of faith, of life in general. Like Lot's wife I so often find myself turning around and looking back on what lies behind me. Chaos. Despair. Anguish. Desperation. Insecurity. Grief. Deep heartache. Longing. SIN! Mere survival. I focus on what I've been through and from where I've come instead of where I am headed and instead of focusing on the Promise I've been given. I should be a pile of salt, so big it would remind you of the columns found in old Roman architecture.

This promise I have been given is so much greater than the sum of all the pain of my past. Why do I not ALWAYS see the value in it, in my future? Why do I get so hung up on past hurts that I can't see the healing? Why do I focus on the wounding and on the injury rather than on the surgery that the Great Physician has performed on my life? When will I realize that there is nothing for me back there but just ugly reminders of an even uglier past?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ACC's Board has been on campus this week and has board meetings all weekend. They have worshipped with us and we have taken communion together. It's been a wonderful week just getting to know the 20 or so people that serve on our school's board. All very wonderful people! Just today one of them was sharing about a man that robbed a bank for $6000. He went to jail or had some other fateful demise but the gun he used to rob the bank went to a museum. It had been made in 1918 and was a very rare weapon and was now worth $100k. How ironic, eh? He unfortunately did not see the value of what he already had in his possession and instead sought elsewhere to fill a need and in return what he got was far less valuable. And such is the way of the human condition.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of the movie The Notebook, Ryan Gosling's character Noah and Rachel McAdam's character Allie, are talking about their relationship.

Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'!
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Noah is talking about marriage and how you can't be afraid to draw out of the other their faults and push their buttons a little bit, to force them to press into things that might be a little difficult at first but that will produce growth in them more than anything else. Not only do you grow each other but you love each other even in those "pain-in-the-ass" moments.

It occurred to me that of course marriage was and is God's idea. He created it as a model of Christ's relationship with the church. Just like Noah, Christ is not afraid of bringing out those things in us that require our attention. He's willing to say those things knowing that we have the option of walking away from him. But why would we? He loves us even in the moments when we're being difficult and if we let him he will show us when those moments are.

I read an excerpt from Sacred Marriage, a book by Gary L. Thomas, and in it he poses the question, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" I think it is designed to make us holy and face the "bitter juice" as Gary calls it. We have to own up to our disappointments and ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness and a marriage relationship can help us do that, just as Christ helps us in the same way.

Now, I am not married, so I have no inside scoop, so to speak, on what it's like to be married. I just found the excerpt that I read insightful and kind of fitting with the few lines from the movie. I want to be married one day and know that it won't be easy. It will be hard work, there will be tough times and at some point one or both of us will want out. But I also know that the commitment of staying together will be worth it in the end. I have my mom and dad's relationship, and then my dad's relationship with my stepmother, as a physical model of this. There have indeed been trials in both relationships but all agreed to see it through and they're stronger for it.

There have been and are and will continue to be trials in my relationship with my Groom. There have been times when I wanted to walk away and throw my hands in the air in frustration. But I haven't. And I have come out stronger. Thank you Jesus for loving me that much! I love you too!

"we can talk about normality 'til the cows come home..."

"What is normal?" "What is home?" "What are cows?"

Okay, so I saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy last night. Hilarious movie by the way... But I have one question... What's with the towels? I just don't understand the big deal about Ford and Arthur always keeping the towels with them. Can someone explain this to me please?

I think I am going to have to read the book and then watch the movie again for the full effect. I have heard that helps one understand the whole thing.

Also, for some reason, my favorite character was Marvin. "Life! Don't talk to me about life."

"so long and thanks for all the fish, so sad that it has come to this..."

prayer requests...

Look for my prayer requests in the sidebar. I will update them there periodically.

pictures from trip to Anchorage last weekend...

I finally figured out the slideshow feature on flickr. So click on the picture below for the slideshow. Truly evidence of God's glory here... Enjoy! And yes, I get to live in one big, giant postcard. Aren't you jealous?

the sabbath of the year...

My friend Amy (visit her here - her general blog, and here - at her ministry newsletter) says she heard it said somewhere that Autumn is the sabbath of the year and that she believes it, and I believe it too. She posted a wonderful piece on this concept over here. I encourage you to read it if you have time. And I encourage you even more to read it if you DON'T have time because it's just what you need to hear. What are you waiting for? Go and read it NOW! Here's a little teaser:

Perhaps I'd do well to stop sometimes to take a lesson from the trees and just blush in the Father's presence. Lately my sabbaths have been filled with appointments and meetings and cleaning and preparing—and that stops right here. This Monday, my next sabbath, I'm going to remember the trees. I'm going to listen to God and let myself renew, and rest, and breathe, and simply blush in his presence.

While Autumn looks a little different here, as there are not any blushing trees anymore, as the snow has already come, God has still reminded me of just how this is a time for rest and renewal. On my way back down from Anchorage today, I had the worship music blaring and was watching the mountains roll past and watching the great sklyine of this state: mountains, winter clouds, patches of sunlight and patches of snow. The scenery was breathtaking and once more I realized that I get to live in one huge, ginormous postcard! Everywhere I look, no matter where I am, there is a perfect masterpiece to behold. How could I NOT worship - even without music, how could you NOT? Never in my life have I seen such beautiful sights! Sorry Colorado - while you were my first love I have found the strength to move on! I am so blessed. God is making himself so real to me and it's just freaking amazing! Again, I started asking "How could anyone look at all of this and still wonder whether or not there's a God?" It just doesn't make sense to me that one could question this when it's so obvious that he IS and that he is all around! (I will post pictures as soon as I can - tomorrow or Tuesday, I promise!)

And, because today I am so blessed by what other people have written, (and also only slightly because I am a little lazy after a weekend away in Anchorage) here is an excerpt from another friend of mine, Jeff, in Indiana (visit him here - in his 1st volume, and here - in his 2nd volume). I believe God calls us all to be a little dangerous and to live life a little on the edge for Him. Here's what he has to say, so articulately I might add, about this idea:

You’ll have to hang on and lean into the turns, and trust it and feel the wind on your face. It’s a life he beckons and cajoles you to, the very same one that he doesn’t force. It’s a new life with a new purpose, and it’s out there. It’s rough and it gets cold and it rains sometimes. Your knuckles will bleed and your skin will chafe. The road will get slick and the wheels will feel like they’ll skid out from under you. And it’s dirty. And it’s really not safe at all.

Isn't that just perfect? (You can read this whole chapter here.) A lot of times God's work and calling and will for us is NOT safe! We can face persecution, hardships, trials, and wind just like everyone else. But it's knowing where your destination is that makes it all worth it in the end! I read this excerpt last week when I shared my testimony with my fellow classmates and all the staff here at school. I included it because I believe in it. It's one of the reasons I chose to follow God's call, risk it all, and come to Alaska. It was a little reckless!

Thank you, God, for blessing Jeff and Amy with the gift of prose! And thank you Jeff and Amy for sharing your gifts with the rest of us!

grief and flying moose...

We fed a poor family last night. But it was not how you think; it was completely unintentional. We hit a moose. At around 11:35pm a few of us were making our way to an all-night diner here in town, Sal's, for some midnight grub. I was riding shotgun and as we pulled out of ACC's driveway I was thinking "Wouldn't it be freaky if we hit a moose tonight?" A minute later, Jesse (my RA who was driving) said, "I wonder who the first person from ACC to hit a moose will be." And another minute later there we were. I saw him out of the corner of my eye as he was crossing the street. "Ohmigosh, Jesse! Look out!" I screamed. And it was too late. I saw his fur on the windshield right in front of me. Everyone screamed as the moose went flying off to the side of the road. We pulled the car off and I asked if everyone was okay. Thankfully everyone was. Then I pried my door open to go check on the moose because that is what I do. I worry about animals and their feelings and I wonder what they are thinking. I wondered if he could understand what happened or if he was confused and wondering what he did wrong. I started crying when I saw him lying there, much smaller than how he looked in the middle of the road. He was probably 3 or 4 years old. He was still alive but obviously seriously injured. Then I saw the two other moose standing several feet away watching on, with sad, confused looks on their long faces. They were just watching and I heard them making noises, I imagine they were cries of grief. And my heart broke.

The police were called and because we were 100 feet from the state trooper's station they arrived very quickly. They shot the animal and it broke my heart again. Reports were filed. Jesse tried to get a hold of Ian to come with another van because ours was undrivable but Ian's phone was off. And then I was told that they would donate the moose meat to feed a family who can't afford to eat. That made me feel a little better and what a great idea that is!

When things like this happen I wonder if the animal can understand what is going on. What is their level of understanding? Do the ones that survive know they will not see their sibling again? I wonder how they're feeling. I wonder if their hearts hurt like humans' do. I wonder if they grieve. I have always been concerned about the feelings of God's creatures that cannot express them. I don't really know why I wonder about this but I do. It's almost a burden that I carry. When I moved I had to give away my dog, my beautiful black lab Coal, and it was hard for me because I wondered if he would ask himself, in his doggy mind, if he had done something wrong that made me not want him anymore. I asked one of the troopers how moose grieve in these situations. He explained to me that they will stick around the site for 3 days or so and moan and they will move on. Grief is such an interesting concept for me. They give themselves 3 days to feel what they need to feel and that's it. How different that is for humans. We hang on, often never fully letting go of our loved ones.

Anyhow,we called the campus director who said, "Why are you calling me?" He finally showed up quite a while later. And at 1:45am, 2 hours after we originally set out we made it back to campus. When I finally made it to sleep I had a nightmare about my mom. All my dreams that I have had about my mom since her death have been nightmares. In them, she always dies because of something I did. I would never hurt her but I think I have always subconsciously blamed myself for her death because I thought that she was pregnant with me when she first got sick. No one ever blamed me for it but I think subconsciously I probably carried the burden around. Maybe if I wasn't born she would be fine and that kind of thing. Now let me reassure all my readers that I KNOW that this is NOT true in ANY form but the mind does interesting things and the subconscious often manifests itself in dreams. Also, in rehashing the whole thing with my dad tonight I learned that she actually got sick BEFORE she was pregnant with me but it was while she was pregnant with me that she was in the hospital and they drew blood and found something they had never seen before. Maybe that's where I got confused, I don't know. But knowing the facts now, I pray, will help. The dream raises questions in me about whether or not I have fully grieved her. Have I let myself go through that? I am not sure. I know at the time of her death I felt I had to be strong for my dad because I was still living at home. Maybe I haven't. You can pray for me on this as I start to face this and press into it. Love you all...

an invitation...

Come, come like the sunrise
After still one more sleepless night;
Leaving dark behind, an old day dies
Say, "Goodbye" to yesterday, welcoming respite.

Come, come like the sunset
After still one more hectic day;
Leave today behind, look forward to the rest
Welcome in the night, this day fades away.

Come, come like the rain
After still one more arid drought;
Leave the desert in the past and its thirsty pain
Welcome in the quenching water I am dead without.

Come, come like the breeze
Under still one more blazing sun;
Leave the heat behind for the shelter of the trees
Welcome in the cool reprieve, like heaven for my soul.

Come, come like the mountains
After still one more shaded valley;
Leave the valley far behind, and all iits desperations
Welcome in this view, my heart to rally.

Come, come like warm fire
After still one more rush of cold;
Leave the frozen world outside and all its billion liars
Welcome in the warmth to the places life has dulled.

Come, come like fresh air
After still one more vapid hour;
Leave anxiety behind and its vacuum of despair
Welcome in this breath and usher in its power.

Come, come like new love
After still one more lonely life;
Leave that empty world behind for this new one full of love
Welcome in this sacred romance that fills me with new life.

welcome to my new home...

Last night during some amazing quiet time I had, while listening to the fabulous Shawn McDonald (thanks to my friend Megan for giving me the cd!), it dawned on my that I am perfect... well, perfectly flawed. I mean, God made me exactly the way he wanted me - every strand of hair, every stretch of skin, every freckly, every quirk - all flawlessly imperfect. I just love that! I have been meditating on Psalm 139 and Philippians 1:6 quite a bit recently and I think they fit nicely with this idea. I love all my perfectly flawed friends who visit here and I hope that you will continue to visit here often.

i'm in the service industry...

Last night at our weekly S.A.L.T. meeting we had Scott Pitsch, my favorite professor, come in and speak to us about leadership and what the Bible has to say about it. We read together the passage in John 15:14-15: "You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." Scott helped me look at this verse differently. A master simply says to his servants, "Go and do this," and the servant just goes. Friends say to each other, "Hey, I am thinking about doing this. Let's do this together." Jesus is not looking for slave labor because he doesn't need it. God is omnipotent; he can do anything. But he desires us to help him. He's looking for friends and partners who will trust him to serve them.

There will be days when I don't feel like serving: when I just don't feel like loving the unloved, when I am just tired, when I am just not in the mood, etc... It's really on these days, when I am not allowing God to serve me by empowering me with the mercy, compassion and strength I need to serve others in return. He serves me as I serve others. I had never thought about this this way. It makes it a little easier to know that God - the king of the universe, the very one who made me fearfully and wonderfully, the very one who made the people he has called me to serve - is serving me. I need to allow him to serve me! What a beautiful picture that is for me.

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I have always read this verse for what it says, "Yeah, I can do that if God gives me the strength." There's more to it than that I am learning. I CAN do it; I can give my self permission to do things because God gives me the strength.

I am being fulfilled in ways I never thought existed. It seems everything I do brings me a measure of fulfillment and joy. Evidence that I have been letting God serve me without really knowing it? Yeah, I think so. Now that I think about it, I can feel him, can feel the power of his love for me and for his people being poured into me as I serve others. He's a waiter that constantly stands behind me filling my water glass everytime I take a drink. I always have a sufficient supply, never dry, never too much. Perfect love in perfect measure. It's just perfect!

"my heart.... Christ's home"

In Discipleship class today we read from Robert Boyd Munger's book. He took this book to InterVarsity Press and had them print it for him but he never had it copyrighted. The book has gone on to sell millions of copies and he never got a dime for it. This reading was very meaningful to me and so I feel privileged to pass it along to you. I hope you will get as much out of it as I did.

One evening I invited Jesus Christ into my heart. What an entrance he made! It was not a spectacular, emotional thing, but very real. Something happened at the very center of my life. He came into the darkness of my heart and turned on the light. He built a fire on the hearth and banished the chill. He started music where there had been stillness, and he filled the emptiness with his own loving, wonderful fellowship. I have never regretted opening the door to Christ and I never will. In the joy of this new relationship I said to Jesus Christ, "Lord, I want this heart of mine to be Yours. I want to have you settle down here and be perfectly at home. Everything I have belongs to you. Let me show you around."

The Study

The first room was the study - the library. In my home this room of the mind is a very small with very thick walls. But it is a very important room. In a sense, it is the control room of the house. He entered with me and looked around at the books in the bookcase, the magazines upon the table, and the pictures upon the walls. As I followed his gaze I became uncomfortable. Strangely, I had not felt self-conscious about this before, but now that he was there looking these things I was embarassed. Some books were there that his eyes were too pure to behold. On the table were a few magazines that Christian had no business reading. As for the pictures on the walls - the imaginations and thoughts of the mind - some of these were shameful. Red faced, I turned to him and said, "Master, I know that this room needs to be cleaned up and made over. Will you help me make it what it ought to be?" "Certainly!" he said. "I'm glad to help you. First of all, take all the thinsg that you are reading and looking at which are not helpful, pure, good, and true, and throw them out! Now put on the empty shelves the books of the Bible. Fill the library with Scripture and meditate on it day and night. As for the pictures on the walls, you will have difficulty controlling these images, but I have something that will help." He gave me a full size portrait of himself. "Hang this centrally," he said, "on the wall of the mind." I did, and I have discovered through the years that when my thoughts are centered upon Christ himself, his purity and power cause impure thoughts to back away. So he has helped me to bring my thoughts under his control.

The Dining Room

From the study we went into the dining room, the room of appetites and desires. I spent a lot of time and hard work here trying to satisfy my wants. I said to him, "This is a favorite room. I am quite sure you will be pleased with what we serve." He seated himself at the table with me and asked, "What is on the menu for dinner?" "Well," I said, "my favorite dishes: money, academic degrees and stocks, with newspaper articles of fame and fortune as side dishes." These were the things I liked - secular fare. When the food was placed before him, he said nothing, but I observed that he did not eat it. I said to him, "Master, don't you care for this food? What is the trouble?" He answered, "I have food to eat that you do not know of. If you want food that really satisfies you, do the will of the Father. Stop seeking your own pleasures, desires, and satisfaction. Seek to please him. That food will satisfy you." There at the table he gave me a taste of the joy of doing God's will. What flavor! There is no food like it in the world. It alone satisfies.

The Living Room

From the dining room we walked into the living room. This room was intimate and comfortable. I liked it. It had a fireplace, overstuffed chairs, a sofa, and a quiet atmosphere. He said, "This is indeed a delightful room. Let us come here often. It is secluded and quiet, and we can fellowship together." Well, as a young Christian I was thrilled. I couldn't think of anything I would rather do than have a few minutes with Christ in close companionship. He promised, "I will be here early every morning. Meet here, and we will start the day together." So morning after morning, I would come downstairs to the living room. He would take a book of the Bible from the case. We would open it and read together. He would unfold to me the wonder of God's saving truths. My heart sang as he shared the love and grace he had toward me. These were wonderful times. However, little by little, under the pressure of my responsibilities, this time began to be shortened. Why, I'm not sure. I thought I was too busy to spend regular time with Christ. This was not intentional, you understand. It just happened that way. Finally, not only was the time shortened, but I began to miss days now and then. Urgent matters would crowd out the quiet times of conversation with Jesus. I remember one morning rushing downstairs, eager to be on my way. I passed the living room and noticed the door was open. Looking in, I saw a fire in the fireplace and Jesus was sitting there. Suddenly in dismay I thought to myself, "He is my guest. I invited him into my heart! He has come as my Savior and friend, and yet I am neglecting him." I stopped, turned and hesitantly went in. With a downcast glance, I said, "Master, forgive me. Have you been here all these mornings?" "Yes," he said. "I told you I would be here to meet with you. Remember. I love you. I have redeemed you at great cost. I value your fellowship. Even if you cannot keep the quiet time for your own sake, do it for mine." The truth that Christ desires my companionship, that he wants me to be with him and waits for me, has done more to transform my quiet time with God that any other single fact. Don't let Christ wait alone in the living room of your heart, but every day find time when, with your Bible and in prayer, you may be together with him.

The Work Room

Before long, he asked, "Do you have a workroom?" Out in the garage of the home of my heart I had a workbench and some equipment, but I was not doing much with it. Once in a while I would play around with a few little gadgets, but I wasn't producing anything substantial. I led him out there and he looked over the workbench and said, "Well, this is quite well-furnished. What are you producing with your life fir the Kingdom of God?" He looked at one two little toys that I had thrown together on the bench and held one up to me. "Is this the sort of thing you are doing for otehrs in your Christian life?" "Well," I said, "Lord, know it isn't much, but after all, I don't seem to have strength or skill to do more." "Would you like to do better?" he asked. "Certainly!" I replied. "Alright. Let me have your hands. Now relax in me and let my Spirit work through you. I know that you are unskilled, clumsy and awkward, but the Holy Spirit is the Master Workman, and if he controls your hands and your heart, he will work through you." Stepping around behind me and putting his great, strong hands under mine, he held the tools in his skilled fingers and began to work through me. The more I relaxed and trusted him, the more he was able to do with my life.

The Rec Room

He asked me if I had a rec room where I went for fun and fellowship. I was hoping he would not ask about that. There were certain associations and activities that I wanted to keep for myself. One evening when I was on my way out with some of my buddies, he stopped me with a glance and asked, "Are you going out?" I replied, "Yes." "Good," he said. "I would like to go with you." "Oh," I answered rather awkwardly. "I don't think, Lord Jesus, that you would really enjoy where we are going. Let's go out together tomorrow night. Tomorrow night we will go to a Bible class at church, but tonight I have another appointment." "I'm sorry," he said. "I thought that when I came into your home, we were going to do everything together, to be close companions. I just want you to know that I am willing to go with you." "Well," I mumbled, slipping out the door, "we will go some place together tomorrow night." That evening I spent some miserable hours. I felt rotten. What kind of friend was I to Jesus, deliberately leaving him out of my life, doing things and going places that I knew very well he would not enjoy? When I returned that evening, there was a light in his room and I went up to talk it over with him. I said, "Lord, I have learned my lesson. I know now that I can't have a good time without you. From now on, we will do everything together." Then we went down into the rec room of the house. He transformed it. He brought new friends, new joys, new excitement. Laughter and music have been ringing through the house ever since.

The Hall Closet

One day I found him waiting for me at the door. An arresting look was in his eye. As I entered, He said to me, "There is a peculiar odor in the house. Something must be dead around here. It's upstairs. I think it's in the hall closet." As soon as he said this, I knew what he was talking about. There was a small closet up there on the hall landing, just a few feet square. In that closet, behind lock and key, I had one or two little personal things that I did not want anyone to know about. Certainly, I did not want Christ to see them. I new they were dead and rotting things left over from the old life. I wanted them so for myself that I was afraid to admit they were there. Reluctantly, I went up with him, and as we mounted the stairs the odor became stronger and stronger. He pointed to the door. I was angry. That's the only way I can put it. I had given him access to the library, the dining room, the living room, the rec room, the work room, and now he was asking me about a little two-by-four closet. I said to myself, "This is too much. I am not going to give him the key." "Well," he said, reading my thoughts, "if you think I am going to stay up here on the second floor with this smell, you are mistaken. I will go out on the porch." Then I saw him start down the stairs. When one comes to know and love Christ, the worst thing that can happen is to sense him withdrawing his fellowship. I had to give in. "I'll give you the key," I said sadly. "But you will have to open the closet and clean it out. I haven't the strength to do it." "Just give me the key," he said. "Authorize me to take care of that closet and I will." With trembling fingers I passed the key to him. He took it, walked over to the door, opened it, entered, took out all the putrefying stuff that was rotting there, and threw it away. Then he cleaned the closet and painted it. It was done in a moment's time. Oh, what victory and release to have that dead thing out of my life!

Transferring the Title

A thought came to me. "Lord, is there any chance that you would take over the management of the whole house and operate it for me as you did the closet? Would you take the responsibility to keep my life what it ought to be?" His face lit up as he replied, "I'd love to! That is what I want to do. You cannot be a victorious Christian in your own strength. Let me do it through you and for you. That is the way. But," he added slowly, "I am just a guest. I have no authority to proceed, since the property is not mine." Dropping to my knees, I said, "Lord, you have been a guest and I have been a host. From now on I am going to be there servant. You are going to be the owner and Master." Running as fast as I could to the strongbox, I took out the title deed to the house describing its assets and liabilities, location and situation. I eagerly signed the house over to him alone for time and eternity. "Here," I said. "Here it is, all that I am and have, forever. Now you run the house. I'll just remain with you as a servant and friend." Things are different since Jesus Christ settled down and made his home in my heart.

This was a powerful reading for me. The images and pictures it created in my mind really helped me to picture my heart as Christ's home. It was convicting. The hall closet, living room, and transferring the title are the main rooms/items that need my attention. This was so moving for me. I hope it was for you too.

The Study = my thoughts and dreams
The Dining Room = my wants and desires
The Living Room = my devotional life, living daily life with Christ
The Work Room = my service
The Rec Room = my activities, my fellowship with other believers
The Hall Closet = my baggage, wounds and hurts of the past, those things I am most ashamed of
Transferring the Title = offering him total lordship of my life, completely surrendering everything to him to Lord over

i took the piece he offered me, tasted it, and saw that it was good...

I just got back today from a short mission trip I took over the weekend to one of the remote villages here in Alaska. Yes, a day late due to inclement weather but right on time because it provided me with an opportunity (that I probably otherwise would not have taken) to reflect on the experiences I had just encountered while they were still fresh in my mind and on my heart.



I was overwhelmed. I was one of 4 ACC students who were chosen to go and be "staff" at a retreat for native high schoolers from all over Alaska. Most of them live in these tiny villages that you can only get to by plane because of a lack of roads. Most of them have already been through so much in their young lives that it absolutely breaks my heart. Alaska is number one in all the statistics: suicide, homicide, divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse, domestic violence, rape, molestations, abandonment, the list goes on and on... Suicide back home in Kansas is hard to deal with but here it's an every day occurrence. In many villages groups of friends will make pacts with each other that they will all do it together. Most of them follow through leaving nothing but a wake of sorrow, questions, and another reason to not trust in a God who would allow that to happen in its path. What makes it even harder is that a lot of these young people have never heard the gospel. Some villages don't have churches. And those that have heard the gospel find it very difficult to believe in God when their lives are consistently wrecked with the loss of a friend or family member or they don't know why their mom left 3 years ago for a 2-year school and hasn't come home yet or why they were raped over the summer or any number of things and all to often it's a combination of all of them.



On Saturday evening I had the opportunity to share my story with them. I was completely overwhelmed by the thought of sharing my story with 100 strangers and being told only 20-30 minutes beforehand to prepare didn't help much. Or maybe it did since I had to solely rely on God to deliver the words through my lips. Had I had more time I probably would have written it out and had it planned but it would have been what I wanted to say and what I thought was important and may have been very different than what was actually shared. I have never shared my story like that and it was a powerful experience for me. One, I did it and I lived - contrary to my belief beforehand, I was so sure I was going to die but I didn't. Two, I was affirmed by several people afterwards and that made me realize that people out there are hurting because of much of the same things I have gone through and that I can do something about it. Three, it gave me courage for the next time I share it (in just a couple weeks here at ACC in front of my fellow students, which is even more intimidating because these people see me everyday). Four, it was a big lesson in relying on the Holy Spirit to guide me and that was probably the most powerful part of it for me. To have no idea what you're going to say next and then to have words just flow out of you by divine force is something that I will not soon, and hopefully never, forget.



The last 8 weeks (I know, hard to believe it's really been that long) have been transforming for me and I have learned a lot. But the sum of them together doesn't add up to the experiences of the last 4 days. I saw the lives of young people transformed from hopeless to hopeful, from empty to overflowing, from desperate to purposeful, from heaps to upright posture, from isolation to fellowship. I remember one girl in particular. At the opening of the weekend on Friday night, she sat alone off to the side, hard look on her face, watching everyone play, and daring anyone to come near her. By the time she left on Sunday afternoon she was smiling and playing basketball with everyone else and asking us in what ways she could help us clean. She had been renewed and reborn.

Last night during the quiet time I had, due to my flight being cancelled because of weather, I was seeking the Lord's guidance on what he wanted me to take away from the weekend the most. All night and all day today I have had the passage "...if you love me, feed my lambs... if you love me, take care of my sheep..." deeply impressed upon my heart. It has been at the forefront of my mind and continues to be.



This time next year could see me in a one-year youth ministry internship program that CYAK (Covenant Youth of Alaska) is implementing. There are 4 positions and I have been offered one of them. I will be raising my own support and travelling to villages ministering to a group of people who need it the most. This is ministry: bringing light into a darkened world, offering hope to the hopeless, love for the hurting souls, comfort to the deeply grieved, and a message of grace for the lost. It will, no doubt, be hard work that at times will seem fruitless, but I know will also be very rewarding. I can't wait!



I took the large slice of pie that he offered me and tasted it. Right away I noticed it was bittersweet, like rhubarb and also like rhubarb, it thankfully tasted good.

tonight in the backseat of an old grey astro van...

I had the most amazing worship experience ever. Shawn McDonald was playing on the cd player and I was overwhelmed. I had heard a couple of his songs once or twice but the cd is simply fantastic. The others in the van were laughing and carrying on and I was in the presence of God, tears streaming down my face in holy worship. I want that cd! I need that cd! He has an amazing testimony too!

I went back to Veronica's tonight. Around sunset. And remember I said it's right on the coast? Yeah... incredible. And it was open mic night. I can't express how much I love that place - already!

I was elected by the student body to be a member of S.A.L.T. (Student Appointed Leadership Team) and we had our meeting there tonight. I am so excited about this group of students and the friendships we have already forged in the week and a half that we've been serving. We are already bonding spiritually as a group, praying for each other, encouraging one another, and fellowshiping. It's the picture of fellowship that is found in the Bible. Again, I am super-excited. We have adopted Matthew 5:13-15 as our theme verses and it fits perfectly.

And... I was one of 4 students chosen to go, out of I don't know how many that applied, to Koyuk this weekend to serve with CYAK (the Covenant Youth of Alaska). Koyuk is up north by Nome; it's one of the bush villages here - you can only reach it by plane. I feel so blessed to have been chosen to go on this trip. I leave tomorrow morning at around 10am and will be back late Sunday night. God will, no doubt, bless me richly as I experience life in the remote villages of this great state. I can't wait. I hope to take tons of pictures this weekend.

I also hope to post some pictures tomorrow morning before I head out. There were some moose outside the dorm today and I got some great shots of them. I got within 15-20 feet. Dangerous, I know, but worth it. They just stood there and stared at me as they chomped away. A momma and her two babies. So I will try to post those in the morning, but no promises. If not tomorrow, Sunday or Monday for sure when I post about my weekend.

Pray for me this weekend and for the youth that I will be ministering to. Most of them will be native youth who have had very hard lives. Just pray for them. I love you all!

God, open my eyes and my ears. Prepare my heart. Prepare my mind. Prepare my hands to do your work.

a little piece of heaven on earth...

I found a jewel here in Alaska, in the form of a coffee shop. Veronica's is my new favorite place to be. Just driving up I knew I would like it.

It's so quaint. It's beautiful. And it's right on the coast. It's unbelievably photographable. And most importantly, it's NOT Starbucks! I love it! Amy, you will love this place! Whenever you come to visit we will go there and you won't want to leave. I guarantee it. You're the first person I thought of when I went in.

These are some photos I took there today. I didn't capture all that I wanted to because I ran out of time but I will be going back, no doubt. And hopefully very soon.

This is Joleen and me with our whipcream moustaches. Three words: Pumpkin Spice Latte, Decaf (okay, that was four).

the night's festivities...

We were invited to a couples' house for the evening tonight. They had a roaring bonfire ready for us when we arrived.


Their house is exactly what a "foreigner" would think of when they hear "house in Alaska." Quaint. Secluded. Rustic. Homey. I loved it! They even had hot apple cider warmed over the fire in a pot.


Their firepit was made of metal and had these really cool cutouts in it in the shape of animals you find here in Alaska. It made for some really cool pictures:
A moose.

A wolf howling at the moon.

A bear.

A cowboy riding a whale.

And a lone wolf.

There were other ones but these made for the best pictures.


Highlights were singing Shine Jesus, Shine and Refiner's Fire. We toasted marshmallows and made s'mores. We laughed. We sang. We prayed. It was good times being warmed by the Spirit.

can i get an amen?

So today has been a very good day. It's just been full of wonderful insights that God has shown me and I just love it when he does that. He uses simple things to show me profound truths. Isn't he just the raddest ever? He completely rocks my socks off sometimes.

Just today, while I was in the shower no less, I had an epiphany. It occurred to me that this is the first time in my life when I am not doing for everyone else. I am not seeking approval of my dad or of someone else. I am not looking for a pat on the back. I am not striving for accolades. I am finally doing for me and for God - not to gain his approval, because I already have that - but to know him, to walk with him. I want to know him in the intimate places. This is the first time that I have been aware that I am not doing for someone else. My whole life has been built around earning love and acceptance and accolades. I don't have to earn anything. I already have it; it's there, free for the taking. Once I decided to take a step of faith and be a little reckless, that's when I have felt the most safe. Now that I have stopped striving I feel the most loved. My dad is proud of me for finally not caring what he thinks or what anyone else thinks and instead doing only what I feel God has called me into doing. My dad is proud of me and my Daddy, Abba God, is proud of me too.

Tonight, a small group of us gathered for Bible study. Ryan opened the group by reading a passage from the book Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. The passage talked about how when you look through a magnifying glass it makes the object larger than it is in reality but when you look through a telescoping lens it shows the object in its reality - for what it is. We went on to talk about how we should magnify God but through a telescoping lens and not with a microscope - we should see him as he is, nothing more, nothing less. I think sometimes we - or at least I know that sometimes I - make God bigger than he is. We think he's too big for us, too big to help us with what it is we need help with, too busy for us, or we think our problems are too miniscule to bother God with them. We think how insignificant we are and how significant God is. We think about all these other things and we forget that he isn't too busy for us, or too powerful to be able to get us over the small hurdles we're facing. He is small enough to hear us and even better he cares. How sweet is that?

I was listening to Derek Webb today and some of his lyrics just really stood out to me. He has a song "I Repent" that is full of things we can repent for that often go overlooked. He brings these things out into the light:

"I repent of living like I deserve anything." ~ I don't deserve an ounce of what he's blessed me with and yet I live like I deserve all of it and so much more. And I live like I deserve to have it handed to me on a silver platter. I don't even think about it. My greediness and pride just ooze out of me without my even thinking about it.

"I repent of paying for what I get for free and for the way I believe that I am living right by trading sins for others that are easier to hide." ~ This one hit me hard. Salvation was given to us, free of charge, as a gift, and yet I still insist on paying for it every day. I still insist on suffering for my sins that I have committed that he has forgiven me for and that he has already thrown into the sea "as far as the East is from the West." Why? Why do I insist on living my life like that? Can't I just accept what was given to me as a precious, cherished gift and live like I have been redeemed instead of constantly feeling like I need to do penance for these sins I commit? Do I cover up "more serious" sins with other "more acceptable" sins? (Of course those descriptions are how society might view them; no sin is acceptable to God.) I am called to be authentic before my Savior, to be forthright. If I confess with my mouth and believe with my heart, I will be saved. But if I don't and I try to hide them what good does that do? It only torments me.

"I repent of confusing peace and idolatry by caring more for what they think than what I know of what I need by domesticating you until you look just like me." ~ I haven't yet read The Chronicles of Narnia but I am told that there's a passage in there when the children are talking about Aslan, the Lion. One of them asks, "Is he safe?" And the other answers, "No, he's not safe but he's good." God isn't safe. We can't domesticate him and make him just like us and yet we try. I heard something the other day, maybe in a class but then I can't remember exactly where but it doesn't matter really. The person said, "It's scary enough to have water in the boat; but it's even scarier to have God in the boat."Ain't that the truth? It can be terrifying to put all your faith in God, in someone you cannot see. It's not safe to do that at all. But in a way I love that it's a little dangerous. He will give me an adventure beyond my wildest dreams. He already has! I am living it NOW - even as I type this.

I am not perfect, I don't want to be perfect. I make mistakes and even when I make mistakes I glorify God. When I am weak he is made strong. He wants to use this fractured vessel of mine to carry his love out into the world. I am okay with that because it means his love will just leak out through the cracks a little along the way.

I love you God!

ya know, i don't know, ya know?

So tonight I was on the phone with my best friend, whom I miss immensely - I actually think I have a gaping hole in my heart because she is so very far away from me right now. It was 10pm here which means 1am where she is (in Mississippi helping with hurricane victims - she's a paramedic). Anyhow, so this is how our conversation started...

Nida: I called because I can't sleep and that usually means that I am pretending not to know something that I already know.
Me: Like what?
Nida: I don't know.

Then she caved in and said that she had a couple ideas and we talked them out. It was just so funny though! I love that girl! She always brings a smile to my face. *_*

faith journey: on being "enough"

I had been wanting to post my testimony here for quite a while - since I started this whole project back in April or May. Then it was an assignment in one of my classes to write a "Faith Journey" paper or testimony. I have completed it and now share it with those who are interested in reading it.
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I was born into a "Christian" home and we were part of the Nazarene denomination. We went to church every Sunday morning, every Sunday evening, and every Wednesday evening. My parents made me go and I really had no choice in the matter. When I was in about the 4th grade, my and I watched "The Thief in the Night." After the movie was over I accepted Christ into my heart because I essentially felt scared into it. Although he's a completely different person now and we have had much healing in our relationship, my dad claimed to be a Christian but was very abusive verbally, emotionally, and physically when I was a child. I was afraid of my earthly father and, because I was told God is my heavenly father, I was afraid of him too. But I knew all the right answers to say and the right things to do in order to "pass" as a Christian all through elementary and junior high school and part of high school.

I think it was right around my senior year of high school my parents started giving me the option of whether or not I went to church. I was the youngest and therefore the last one at home. I made the choice not to continue going to church for many reasons. One, I saw a lot of hypocrisy in the church. Most of the people in my age bracket didn't seem to have very high levels of integrity; on Sundays they said they were one thing but the rest of the week were completely the opposite. Two, given my view of God because of how I viewed my earthly father, I was afraid of him. I saw him as this punisher and felt that at any given moment he could pour out his wrath on me. I spent most of my younger years walking on eggshells around my dad and that transferred over into my relationship with God. I felt I had to be perfect all the time and never make mistakes or I would feel his judgment in my life. Three, because my dad claimed to be a Christian and yet inflicted so much pain on me emotionally I wanted nothing to do with Christianity. I didn't have a healthy view of it. Four, I felt scared into becoming a Christian that first time and didn't know why I believed what I believed or if I even truly believed anything. I was told that I was being saved from hell and sin but what was I being saved to? I had no idea.

My senior year of high school I really started rebelling. I had just found out that, because of an illness my mom had during her pregnancy with me, she now was terminally ill and was dying. Emotions were very hard for me that year, up and down. I didn't want to sit around and watch my mom, whom I loved dearly and whom was my best friend, die so I spent most of my time outside the house. I was angry with God, I guess, and still very confused about all of it. I went to church only when it was required, basically Christmas, Easter, and other familial occasions. When I did go, it was to socialize.

The rebellion in me continued and its roots deepened in my heart choking out almost every good seed that I had remaining in me. I was lost. Growing up, most of the attention that I got from my dad was negative attention. He always told me that I wasn't good enough, that I was stupid or slow, that I was ugly or fat, I couldn't do anything right. What I internalized most was the message, "I am never enough." That message ate at my heart and soul like a poison. I lost my self-identity and self-worth by always looking to him for affirmation. Everything I did, I did to please him, to have him affirm me in some way. I was always reaching and striving for his approval. When I realized I wasn't getting what I needed from my dad I finally decided to get approval elsewhere.

I flirted with danger on several levels. I started drinking. I started smoking marijuana. I became a "chameleon"; I would become what everyone else wanted me to be. Since I had no idea who I was myself I let other people tell me who I was. At one point, two people in my core group of friends were being watched carefully by the FBI. The FBI then started questioning me about this group of friends. That's kind of when a light bulb went on in my head that I was in a dangerous place in my life. I stopped seeing them as regularly as I had been but they still paid to take me on vacations with them and bought me extravagant gifts for birthdays and Christmas and I was as much a part of their family as their own flesh and blood. So I kept seeing them only every once in a while. My craving for attention continued and I grew more and more hungry. I sought out affection and love and affirmation from men. It worked for a while and then I would feel empty again and I would go to the next one and the next one. I left a little piece of myself with each of them until there was nothing left and I was just an empty shell letting them use me. I had a few serious relationships over the years but most of my interactions with men were a series of desperate and futile attempts to be accepted and loved for who I was, even though I had no idea who that was. As situations within my core group got graver and graver and scarier and scarier, that light bulb in my head was getting brighter and brighter. I saw those friends less and less.

My mom died 30 March 2005 after suffering for a week and a half in a hospital bed. My dad and I were the only two with her when she went to meet God. Looking back I am so glad I had those moments with her but at the time anger, grief, and bitterness ruled my life. I was still living at home and felt heavily a responsibility to make sure my father was okay, that he would make it. I felt I had to be strong for him. I squelched a lot of emotions during that time. I felt guilty on some levels because it was when she was pregnant with me that she initially got sick that led to her getting the terminal illness while I was in high school. No one ever said that it was my fault. I kind of just developed those thoughts on my own and internalized them.

My mom was always a picture of tremendous faith for me. She was an example for me and I think watching her model true faith played a huge part in my own salvation. I witnessed her steadfastness my whole life: through an abusive marriage, through family dysfunction, through terminal illness, even in her death. Thankfully, because of her example, I had a tiny mustard seed of faith left. This one tiny mustard seed kept trying to poke through the thorns and thistle and the rock there on my path to faith. This one tiny seed ultimately saved my life - spiritually, for sure, and probably physically as well. After my last serious relationship ended in October 2002 I kind of had an epiphany. I realized I had been putting all my identity and self-worth into my relationships with men. All of my identity and all my value was wrapped up in who they were and I was whoever they wanted me to be. I was lost and scared on so many levels. I wanted to go back to church somewhere but knew I didn't want to go to the church I had grown up in. My best friend had just started going to Heartland Community Church with her boyfriend and she thought I would like it. I went once and never even looked anywhere else. I immediately got involved in the church and the "singles" group there was very active with about 200 active people in it. I felt at home and comfortable enough to start exploring my faith on a deeper level. I was never judged or condemned or made to feel like an "outsider." For the first time in my life, I began to experience authentic relationships with real people.

A year and a half ago, I went through an experiential seminar called BreakThrough after seeing the dramatic change it made in my dad's life after he had gone through it. He died and was reborn a completely different person. It was incredibly powerful to witness such a drastic transformation. BreakThrough helps you get past the lies of your past and start building a foundation of truth in your heart and life. They give you a series of tools to use to start living from your heart and discover who God created you to be. This is all done from the Christian perspective. It was an incredible experience and was unbelievably eye-opening. It was definitely a pivotal time in my walk with God. He broke my spirit down and rebuilt me into a child of God. He breathed a powerful word, "enough," into my heart during that life-training and it remains a powerful word in my heart today.

The most significant change for me is that I believe today with conviction that I am enough because he died on the cross for my sins and that my identity and value lies ONLY in HIM! Not only am I enough but he is enough for me as well. There is nothing that I can or cannot do to make him love me any more or any less than he does right now, where I am, in the midst of my sinfulness.

My life had been a series of victimizations (other things have happened that I have not shared here) but it was in BreakThrough that I chose to break free from the bondage of surviving life as a victim. Playing the victim was part of my old crooked identity; I would use it to manipulate people and to gain sympathy from people. My chains were loosed; I was a prisoner but now I am free. I now see those victimizations as blessings. They are very much a part of me and who I am, a part of the character ingrained deep within me. Without those experiences - and without God's amazing and perfect grace - I would not be who I am today.

My life song is "All of You" by Jeremy Camp and it seems to capture flawlessly God's irreplaceable role in my life:

All of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more aweesome than I know
And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King
You're my everything
Still more awesome than I know
And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
More than all I am
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough
And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
And all I have in you is more than enough.

As the pastor was making a point in church one day he said this, "Often the most life-altering encounters with God require us to leave the routine, the comfortable, and the familiar." This has been so evident to me throughout my whole life but more so especially within the last 6 weeks as I made the transition from Kansas City to Alaska, from an office manager making significant money to a student of God making almost nothing, from a church that I love and a community of so many friends to knowing no one and having to "rebuild" my life essentially, and from being a "safe" Christian to risking it all and stepping out in faith into unfamiliar territory and learning to be a little reckless for God. Yes, I stepped out of the routine, the comfortable, and the familiar and I am so glad I did.

I am looking forward to growing deeper in my relationship with God this year and to nourishing that one little mustard seed and helping it to grown into a healthy tree. It is the desire of my heart to know intimately the Daddy of love that is described in the story of the Prodigal Son, to relinquish my view of him as a God of discipline and punishment. I wish to let him rain his extravagant grace and love over my life and to bask in his Son. The best I can explain it is that I am a dry, thirsty sponge and he is the fluid that I soak up. He makes me pliable and soft, and he flows out of me when life wrings me out to dry. I know I have just barely had a small taste of all that he will do in me and for me. And it is the desire of my heart to continue to my relationship with an amazing man of God - my earthly Daddy. We have had much healing between us and I can't wait to grow into our relationship together as we each grow in our relationships with God individually. I have been richly blessed far beyond what I deserve. And his grace is beyond sufficient!

2 Timothy 1:6-8 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." That verse is the motto for BreakThrough and since has become a life verse for me. 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" is also a powerful verse for me. My old ways are gone - he literally erased the old desires of my heart and replaced them with desires that more closely match his. Romans 8:35-39 is also a powerful verse for me and reminds me that nothing can keep me from the love that is in Christ Jesus my Lord. AMEN!