grief and flying moose...

We fed a poor family last night. But it was not how you think; it was completely unintentional. We hit a moose. At around 11:35pm a few of us were making our way to an all-night diner here in town, Sal's, for some midnight grub. I was riding shotgun and as we pulled out of ACC's driveway I was thinking "Wouldn't it be freaky if we hit a moose tonight?" A minute later, Jesse (my RA who was driving) said, "I wonder who the first person from ACC to hit a moose will be." And another minute later there we were. I saw him out of the corner of my eye as he was crossing the street. "Ohmigosh, Jesse! Look out!" I screamed. And it was too late. I saw his fur on the windshield right in front of me. Everyone screamed as the moose went flying off to the side of the road. We pulled the car off and I asked if everyone was okay. Thankfully everyone was. Then I pried my door open to go check on the moose because that is what I do. I worry about animals and their feelings and I wonder what they are thinking. I wondered if he could understand what happened or if he was confused and wondering what he did wrong. I started crying when I saw him lying there, much smaller than how he looked in the middle of the road. He was probably 3 or 4 years old. He was still alive but obviously seriously injured. Then I saw the two other moose standing several feet away watching on, with sad, confused looks on their long faces. They were just watching and I heard them making noises, I imagine they were cries of grief. And my heart broke.

The police were called and because we were 100 feet from the state trooper's station they arrived very quickly. They shot the animal and it broke my heart again. Reports were filed. Jesse tried to get a hold of Ian to come with another van because ours was undrivable but Ian's phone was off. And then I was told that they would donate the moose meat to feed a family who can't afford to eat. That made me feel a little better and what a great idea that is!

When things like this happen I wonder if the animal can understand what is going on. What is their level of understanding? Do the ones that survive know they will not see their sibling again? I wonder how they're feeling. I wonder if their hearts hurt like humans' do. I wonder if they grieve. I have always been concerned about the feelings of God's creatures that cannot express them. I don't really know why I wonder about this but I do. It's almost a burden that I carry. When I moved I had to give away my dog, my beautiful black lab Coal, and it was hard for me because I wondered if he would ask himself, in his doggy mind, if he had done something wrong that made me not want him anymore. I asked one of the troopers how moose grieve in these situations. He explained to me that they will stick around the site for 3 days or so and moan and they will move on. Grief is such an interesting concept for me. They give themselves 3 days to feel what they need to feel and that's it. How different that is for humans. We hang on, often never fully letting go of our loved ones.

Anyhow,we called the campus director who said, "Why are you calling me?" He finally showed up quite a while later. And at 1:45am, 2 hours after we originally set out we made it back to campus. When I finally made it to sleep I had a nightmare about my mom. All my dreams that I have had about my mom since her death have been nightmares. In them, she always dies because of something I did. I would never hurt her but I think I have always subconsciously blamed myself for her death because I thought that she was pregnant with me when she first got sick. No one ever blamed me for it but I think subconsciously I probably carried the burden around. Maybe if I wasn't born she would be fine and that kind of thing. Now let me reassure all my readers that I KNOW that this is NOT true in ANY form but the mind does interesting things and the subconscious often manifests itself in dreams. Also, in rehashing the whole thing with my dad tonight I learned that she actually got sick BEFORE she was pregnant with me but it was while she was pregnant with me that she was in the hospital and they drew blood and found something they had never seen before. Maybe that's where I got confused, I don't know. But knowing the facts now, I pray, will help. The dream raises questions in me about whether or not I have fully grieved her. Have I let myself go through that? I am not sure. I know at the time of her death I felt I had to be strong for my dad because I was still living at home. Maybe I haven't. You can pray for me on this as I start to face this and press into it. Love you all...