beginning to discover the secret of a man's soul...

So, since my book group has finished Captivating (a book that inspired many of my posts), we are now reading Wild at Heart, basically the same book written for men and I imagine this will be the first of many posts inspired by the book.

Most men think they are simply here on earth to kill time - and it's killing them. But the truth is precisely the opposite. The secret longing of your heart, whether it's to build a boat and sail it, to write a symphony and play it, to plant a field and care for it - those are the things you were made to do. That's what you're here for. Explore, build, conquer - you don't have to tell a boy to do those things for the simple reason that it is his purpose. But it's going to take risk, and danger, and there's the catch. Are we willing to live with the level of risk God invites us to? Something inside us hesitates. (Chapter 3, page 49, author's emphasis)

Although this book was written for a male audience, I was spoken to in this passage. I know the longings of my heart, to live in Colorado; to attend Bible college; to be in ministry in some capacity or to hold a "relational" position; to take off and hike the Appalachian trail; to be a hiking trail guide in Alaska or somewhere in the wilderness; to draw so close to God that I hear someone say of my life, "She was Christ personified," or, "She made God seem so real to me and brought him down to a level of understanding that I have never previously experienced"; to hear some of my lyrics on the radio one day being sung by someone - or to at least have music written for some of them. These are just some of the longings of my heart. I was just emailing a friend of mine, over at freewriter, today about some of these desires and how I live out of fear and don't take the risk that is required of me to pursue those desires. Just within the last few months (since I started reading Seizing Your Divine Moment and Captivating and now this book) I have begun to feel that those specific desires have been placed there by God and for a specific purpose. I was designed with those desires. Am I willing to live with the level of risk God invites me to? I want desperately to be able to shout a resounding, "YES!" But have I in the past lived out my life that way. I honestly have to mumble out a puny, "no." Have I been disobedient in not living out my life with that level of risk? I don't know. Maybe I have because I have felt the call to do all of these things for years now and have not moved, I have neglected to act on those desires and that call in my life. But then maybe not because I have lacked the resources (financial, contacts, etc...) to live out those things or have convinced myself that surely I can be used here in some way or I tell myself that once I leave town some tragedy will happen within my family or group of friends and I won't be here. I haven't had money to go to Bible college or to just up and move to Colorado. But then, aren't those just excuses? Just me living out of fear? I hate to say it but I think I have to answer, "Yes." They are excuses and I have used them as crutches to support the weight of the fact that I am still here, in Kansas, not attending Bible college, working in a career that, while it pays well, is unfulfilling and highly unsatisfying, and not answering the call of the wild.

This is every man's deepest fear: to be exposed, to be found out, to be discovered as an impostor, and not really a man. The dream has nothing to do with acting; that's just the context for my fear. You have yours. A man bears the image of God in his strength, not so much physically but soulfully. Regardless of whether or not he knows the biblical account, if there's one thing a man does know he knows he is made to come through. Yet he wonders... Can I? Will I? When the going gets rough, when it really matters, will he pull it off? For years my soul lived in this turmoil. I'd often wake in the morning with an anxiousness that had no immediate source. My stomach was frequently tied in knots. One day my dear friend Brent asked, "What do you do now that you don't act anymore?" I realized at that moment that my whole life felt like a performance, like I am always "on." I felt in every situation that I must prove myself again. After I spoke or taught a class, I'd hang on what others would say, hoping they would say it went well. Each counseling session felt like a new test: Can I come through, again? Was my last success all that I had? (Chapter 3, pages 45-46, author's emphasis)

..."I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid" (Genesis 3:10). You don't need a course in psychology to understand men. Understand that verse, let its implications sink in, and the men around you will suddenly come into focus. We are hiding, every last one of us. Well aware that we, too, are not what we were meant to be, desperately afraid of exposure, terrified of being seen for what we are and are not, we have run off into the bushes. We hide in our offices, at the gym, behind the newspaper and mostly behind our personality. Most of what you encounter when you meet a man is a facade, an elaborate fig leaf, a brilliant disguise. (Chapter 3, page 52, author's emphasis)

Again, although the target audience was male readers, that doesn't mean that we females can't relate to this. I see evidence of this in my own life. I don't want Joe Blow to know that I sometimes spend beyond my means until I run out of money before the end of the month, or that I still get confused and frustrated when balancing my checkbook or that I sometimes (read most of the time) don't even attempt this mundane and seemingly pointless task. I don't want Janey Jones to see that I am afraid of rejection so I sometimes withdraw from groups or won't put my two cents in within conversations. I don't want to be found out. I don't want the fact that I may not be who people think I should be, who they want me to be, or expect me to be, to be exposed. I think we all live with masks. My book group's leader, a male, shared tonight that he felt this way, that incessant fear, up until about a year ago when he met his now fiancee. He says that the idea of knowing someone is there and that they know you don't have it all together and that they will be there to love you in the place of your not-all-togetherness is incredibly freeing.

I think that people are perfectly flawed or flawlessly imperfect. There's beauty in those little imperfections and even greater beauty in being authentic and vulnerable enough to risk revealing those imperfections to the people in our lives and letting them love us in those areas.

At the risk of getting a little personal I pose this question: are you guys hiding? do you guys feel this? Do you see evidence of it in your own lives? Do you feel an overwhelming fear of being found out, of the truth that you're not a real man or that you're not "what you should be" being exposed one day? Or can you honestly say that you live your life authentically in every way or that you at least try to, or make a decent effort at living that way? Do you have a small group of guys that you can talk to, I mean really talk to and share with them authentically?

This book is already chock full of profound insights and thoughts to keep my mind and heart thinking and praying and feeling and molling over for days, weeks, months even. These are just a few of the immediate thoughts I have had. I challenge all the men reading this to get this book and read it, immerse yourself in it wholly, let what John Eldredge says simmer in your soul. Get a small group of close friends and maybe read it together and talk about these things. As a woman, I see a shortage of real, authentic men out there - or a shortage of men who at least want to be authentic. Having the desire to be intentional and authentic in relationships is the best place to start from.

I simply L-O-V-E this book and am sure I will return to it again and again and again as with Captivating!