a new beauty...

I am home. I landed in Kansas City yesterday afternoon and it was 70 degrees outside. My poppa met me at the airport with a full white beard, looking like Santa. It was so wonderful to see him. We went straight to Chipotle, how I have missed Chipotle, and we sat outside and ate and watched the shoppers at Legends Shopping Center. Then we met up with my sisters and I saw all seven of my nieces and nephews. Two of them don't remember me and it makes me so sad. But it was such a joy to see and play with the rest of them. One of them, Hannah Grace, called me "Aunt Christmas" last year when I was home. It was so precious. She is beautiful. They are all beautiful. It was such a perfect day. We then met up with my friend Heather and she and I went to my aunt's house for the night. I was overwhelmed with the city. It was as if I was seeing it all for the first time. It was beautiful. A beauty I haven't seen before.

I was pretty exhausted and sick, having been up for about 36 hours so we called it an early night. I tried to go to sleep at 9:30 but then it occurred to me how long it had been since I had heard trains. I used to sleep right through them. They kept me awake for a bit but I finally slept. And then I awoke when my fever broke at 11:30. The trains were still clickety-clacking and choo-chooing. I got back to sleep a while later and slept through the night. My aunt had set out breakfast for us and it was wonderful. Heather and I went to church at my home church, Heartland Community Church. I hadn't told many people so it was wonderful to see the surprised looks on some faces. A friend, Chad Rader, said, "Wow! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes!" It was so good to be back there, among friends. I have missed it. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until today. I do. I miss it so much. It makes me ache a little. Or a lot.

Heather and I grabbed a quick lunch and then drove to Kirksville, MO; it's about 3 hours northeast of Kansas City. I was about to comment on how beautiful the drive was when she said, "This drive is so ugly and boring." When I lived here I thought the same thing. But now? Now that I have been gone for so long I have a new appreciation for everything. There's a new beauty that I am seeing. It's odd too, in a way. Everywhere that I have been to since I have been home has looked exactly the same as when I left. It's so strange. I have changed so much since I have been gone and for some reason I expected home to change too. But it hasn't. Sure, the people have but the city is the same. Does that make sense? I was so shocked by it. It's all so beautiful. Now I have an idea of what my friend Amy has been talking about all the times she's said that it's so beautiful here. I never believed her. Until now.

Something just occurred to me... and maybe this is sad. Or maybe it's not, I don't know. But it took me leaving to make me want to stay.

stripping...

"Lord, strip this world from me. Let the only weight be your glory upon me, your glory upon me... Let your love be the only stronghold over me, the only stronghold over me." This is my prayer right now. God's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Or maybe the devil's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Three people have made hurtful comments to me in the last couple weeks regarding something about which I am already sensitive. I feel a little like I have been demoralized, like Satan has figured out who, or what, it is that I fear I am the most and set about to confirm that in me. Does that make sense? It's like he knows those things about which I am most insecure and has been working overtime to make sure that I take those things and own them for myself.

The good thing about this is that I am realizing that while peoples' comments do hurt I have not been living in them or dwelling on them like I used to. I am becoming a little more like Lucia in Max Lucado's You are Special. The grey dots and gold stars are sticking less and less often. God is teaching me the special language of living in his abundance. He's teaching me that I am his favorite, that he didn't create me to reject me, that I have his full attention. He's captivated by me. And he's teaching me that it doesn't bring glory to him when I turn away from his opinion of me and that's what I have been doing. He has prosperity for me - prosperity of heart and mind - and he wants to give it to me by me accepting that I am who he says I am. As long as I turn away from that and don't choose to fully accept that I am who he says I am, I experience poverty of spirit.

There's so much I want to say right now but I think I need to sort it all out. This is good for now. God is changing me in very real, almost tangible ways. God is so good. And he is stripping me of this world.

what's next...

Earlier this week I said I would have at least one new post up this weekend. And here it is. It's not the one that I was working on because, well... because I am still working on it and because I am lazy at this particular moment and because... just because.

I was emailing a friend back who had asked me where I am at right now, how I am feeling, what's next after this year, and for prayer requests. To make it easy, I thought I would just post this for everyone that way you can pray for me too and know what's up in my life. So here goes...

Isn't it cool how the end result can make all the work leading up to it so worth
it in the end? It's amazing how things work out that way - work can actually be
rewarding when you can see a specific end in sight and it's the end that you
wanted to come to all along. Love it!

I can relate to you feeling like
you don't know what you're doing and relying on God. That's a little bit where I
am right now. I know this school year still has 6 months or so left in it and
the task of figuring out what to do afterward is looming. At the beginning of
this semester I wasn't too worried about it because I had plenty of time. But
lately, the last few weeks, I have really started to process and become
increasingly overwhelmed with this idea that I don't know what lies beyond the
middle of May. It's a little scary. I have all kinds of ideas about what I want
to do - all very different from each other - and am just up in the air about
which one's right for me right now. For instance I really want to continue my
education and get my 4-year degree from a 4-year Christian school. I want to
design my own major in Christian Leadership or major in Christian counseling.
Where I am now doesn't offer 4-year degrees, so do I leave a community I love to
go to school somewhere else? If so, where? I would love to be on staff here at
Alaska Christian College. There's a possibility of a position coming open here
that I am well-qualified for and have even filled in when others have been on
vacation. My only hesitation is that it's completely a raise-your-own-support
position. I know that, like you said, the effort put forth would be worth it in
the end but is it the right choice? I would also love to break into the
non-profit industry somehow. Or even start a new one myself. I would also love
to do ministry here in Alaska. There's such a need for revival here that it's
almost palpable. The people here are hungry for something and most have lived
without hope their whole lives. I would love to help bring about a revival in
this land. I would like to see more of an Emergent movement take place here in
Alaska. There's a lack of "church for the unchurched" type churches here in
Alaska, and yet, I feel that's the type of church that would be the most
beneficial and reap the most rewards in terms of furthering the Kingdom.
Basically, I find that there are two common themes in what I want to do: 1:
advocating on behalf of the oppressed, being a voice for the voiceless, and
offering hope to the hopeless and 2: impacting others for the Kingdom.

Now with all that said, I don't really feel that it's a matter of what
God's will is for me. I think he doesn't really have individual, specific wills
for each of us. While following God's will is, no doubt, the most important
thing, I also feel that God has given us a moral will (set out for us in the
Bible) for us to follow but beyond that I think his will is for us to actively
love him and pursue relationship with him. He leaves the rest of it up to us. I
once had a pastor that told me, Love God and do what you want. It resonated with
me. If you love God actively and whole-heartedly, you're likely not going to
intentionally do something outside his moral will. He's given us free will to do
what we want within his moral will. Does that make sense? I hope so. So I
strongly feel like whichever path I choose I will be within his will.

Prayer requests? Gosh, that's a good question - and an important one. I
guess I would say 1: pray that doors would opened that would guide to a decision
that's right for me; 2: pray that no matter which path I choose that it would be
a place where God is already working and I would join in work with him there; 3:
and this one is a little selfish and VERY honest so consider yourself warned,
but for a husband, someone to love, someone to argue with, someone to go through
all of the ups and downs with, someone to witness my life and for me to witness
their's, someone with whom I CAN (physically) live without but choose not to
live without, just someone to worship with and love God with. 4: for endurance
for these last 2 weeks of classes before break; and 5: that my break will be
rewarding, refreshing, and rejuvenating enough to carry me through next
semester.

So, yeah, this got a little long. Hopefully you made it this
far. I so appreciate your prayers and that we've been able to keep in contact
with each other since our blogs "met" over a year ago. Your prayers have been a
blessing, as well as your writing. Thank you.

I best get to doing some
homework.

Shalom, CJ