One of the reasons I haven't been posting lately is because I have had a general feeling of unworthiness. Unworthy to be in Alaska doing what I am doing; unworthy at writing about Christian spirituality because, after all, I am no theologian; and unworthy to lead. I have been struggling a lot lately with what I am going to do after this year and it's still 7 months away yet. I want to continue my education and design my own major in Christian Leadership but I also feel called to do ministry whether it's here at Alaska Christian College or somewhere else in Alaska or somewhere else entirely. I feel as though God has gifted me with a burden for the oppressed. I want to advocate on behalf of the broken, to give a voice to the voiceless. I read about one.org or other similar social justice campaigns and it makes me want to quit everything I am doing and just go help them. I strongly feel that it's for a reason that I have such a burden. Not everyone would be willing, nor feel called, to go whereever that endeavor might take them.
On the flip side of this, I have also been struggling recently with my attitude. I don't feel as though my attitude always matches the burden of my heart. In other words, my pride largely gets in the way of the love that I am burdened to show to people. This realization has just absolutely gripped me over the last couple days and has brutally held me captive. I found myself absolutely wrecked last night because of this. There's a small group of us here on campus that do Bible study and prayer and accountability together and when we met last night I had them pray over me. And even as I said these words I hesitated because I know the importance of what I was saying: "Pray that God would break me. Pray that he would humble me and smash my pride." And the first evidence of that came rolling down my face in seemingly endless liquid form. Their prayers for me went up to heaven and they gave me words of encouragement, along the lines of It takes humility to realize this about yourself, let alone admit it and ask God to fix it. I wasn't completely convinced though I was slightly less hard on myself.
Last night I went to talk to one of my RAs, with whom I have had a fairly hard time getting along. Neither of us knows what it is about the other that sets us off but we have had a couple run-ins, nothing too major. And I always try to go back and talk with her once we've walked away and tried to gain some clarity on things. Anyhow, I went to her and told her what I had been feeling and asked her to help keep me accountable on having a humble spirit and being broken in general. She was floored that I even thought to ask her and when I explained to her that I never thought of anyone else she was even more shocked. I went to her because I knew she wouldn't be afraid to hurt my feelings and I think that, in a way, is what I need right now - not hurt feelings necessarily, but just someone that won't hesitate to hold that mirror up to me when I need it. I am closer to some of the other RAs and because of that I knew they would be more hesitant to approach me or hold the flame to me, or the mirror to me, whatever you want to call it (I have heard it called so many different things). I have asked one in particular to do this for me before and she hasn't quite fulfilled what I was looking for. And I knew that this RA still loved me but didn't have as much to risk, if that makes any sense.
So she said that she would be glad to help me in this. And I reiterated to her my feelings of unworthiness and how much I desired my attitude to more closely match the attitude of Jesus. And told me that when we've gone on service projects she has seen just the opposite in me - she has seen that I do mostly convey the love and spirit of Jesus to those we are serving at the time. And I can see some of that myself but I want that heart and that spirit all of the time - not just when I am serving. I have this bitterness that seems to have taken up residence in me. A lot of the times it hides away in its room somewhere but every once in a while it comes out. I hate that part of myself. It's ugly. It's cancerous. And this is the part of me that I want God to burn out of me with his Refiner's Fire. I can be so loving and so other-focused one day and then walk away and feel like a complete fake or phony because I remember how I reacted the day before to someone else. And I will feel like everything I just did for someone else is cancelled out or worthless. She prayed over me again for the fire to come and burn out all the ugliness and bitterness that still has hold of me. We both cried a little and then went to bed.
Today I went to serve at a high security prison here in town. There was a team of us that went to do a chapel service for the inmates. I remember as we approached the prison in the van, as everyone else was talking about how nervous and scared they were, I was completely calm. I wasn't scared or nervous. I knew what I was there to do and that was to convey God's perfect beautiful unconditional love for all of us. The chapel service went so smoothly. Afterwards we met with the chaplain in a conference room for a debriefing session. I sat across the table from him and the RA that I had talked to last night sat to my left. The chaplain looked across the table directly at me and said, "Christina, you're feeling unworthy to do what you've been called to do. You don't need to feel unworthy because you are worthy. You have a calling to serve and you're fulfilling a special purpose and God will use you. Don't ever forget that." I had never had a conversation with this man and here he was speaking directly to a struggle that I had been having. I looked at my RA and she looked at me and we both knew that it was God. I nearly cried. He had no idea that what he had just said meant so much to me. That was powerful affirmation to me. Even as I write this it's absolutely so amazing to me how God uses strangers to speak powerful truths into our lives when we least expect it. It was incredible. I had heard of God working like that in other peoples' lives but not really my own. So yet again, this Mysterious and Magnificent God is finding new ways to reveal himself to me, to speak to me, to love me, to blow me away. And tonight my heart is less proud and more humble, less hard and more broken, less stone and more flesh. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.
I just ask that you all join me in prayer about this. I ask you all to be accountability partners with me on this. I urge you to ask me how I am doing on this. I want you to ask me. I need you to ask me. Not only for my sake but for the sake of the voiceless, the oppressed, the needy, the lost. You're all beautifully and intentionally created. And I love you.
