read my label...

I am sure you've all read the Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that I've had in my Profile section since the beginning of this blog: "Who am I? Whoever I am, you know me, O God; you know I am your's." The full meaning of this quote hit me today and it means even more to me now than it did before.

So today I was sitting here at the computer, filling out yet another one of those survey type things, and something hit me. None of this matters! It doesn't matter what I ate last, said last, who I hugged last. It doesn't matter how many friends I have on MySpace or how many people read this blog. It doesn't matter that I can't eat anything without dropping or dribbling something on my shirt (it's almost inevitable). It doesn't matter that I am caucasian. It doesn't matter even that I am a Christian or that I am female. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go to school. It doesn't matter what music I love or that I love to read and write. What does matter is that I am God's. All the other things are just labels that everyone else has just put on me. The only label I want is the one that God gave me. And it says, Warning: Property of God! All that other stuff is irrelevant.

hi...

Allow me to introduce myself in case some of you have forgotten who I am. I am CJ and yeah, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I have been busy living life and having it more abundant. I've survived the stomach flu and a sinus infection. I've gotten my hair chopped off. I have bangs now. I haven't had bangs for probably 15 years - at least. There's just a few side-swept bangs. It's cute. Thinking about going shorter though. I will post a current picture as soon as I can get one taken (will be soon). I've reconnected with old friends and made new ones. Said goodbye to a friend last week. He was here volunteering on campus and his time here was done. I've started my Public Relations job and I love it so far. And I love my boss. She's the coolest. I have been able to keep up with all of my homework while working 20 hours/week. I have read a lot. I have watched a couple movies. The girls and I had a slumber party here on campus. I have made plans to go out for sushi tomorrow night. I am housesitting again. I have journaled. I have returned to junior high and made a bunch of those collages using photos and cutouts from magazines. I could go on but this is good for now.

I have a post in the works that I hopefully will get up soon. Just wanted you all to know that I am actually alive. I've missed you guys.

light in a darkened world...

Today was a good day. It was long and exhausting and hard work, but ah... it was so good.

I worked at a soup kitchen today called Bean's Cafe in downtown Anchorage, Alaska. And I had such a good time. I got there at 9am and at breakfast and then just helped out where they needed me. I helped make lunch: soup, moose stroganoff, salad, bread, and dessert. We had the classic rock blaring as we worked. We sang. We danced. We goofed around. We had fun together. And as good as things are, more importantly, we served. We loved the poor and needy. We treated them like they should be treated everyday: as the intentional creations of God that they are.

It was so wonderful for me to just sit and eat and talk to some of them and hear their stories, where they've been, what they've experienced in life. It is true that I gave them something that to them is beyond valuable - my time, my ears, my love. But it is also true that they gave me something also - the reminder that we are God's plan to bring light into a darkened world, the reminder that they are the reason that the God of the universe became flesh and died on a cross so that they could live forever with him in Heaven one day, the reminder that all of God's people are beautiful, and the reminder that even though I might think it sometimes (and it sickens me to even think of admitting this) I am not better off than they are, nor am I better than them on any level. What they gave me is far greater in value than what I gave them.

Having served in soup kitchen's or homeless shelters a few years back, I had forgotten what it felt like to go and be a light where life's storms had clouded out the sun. It felt so good. It still does. I hope to join them again on Thanksgiving Day with some friends of mine.

Other things I did today included:

• learning that I can still, after several years of not trying, do a perfect one-handed cartwheel
• hanging out with some cool kids at Birchwood Community Christian School
• watching a sunrise that was painted with colors of a cowboy cliche while listening to John Mayer sing about sunrises painted in the colors of cowboy cliches in his song "3x5"
• Eskimo dancingcalling a friend just to say, "I love you."
• getting caught up on some much-needed blog-reading time
• soaking in the love of Christ through fully receiving the love of others
• feeling, and even leaning into, some of the pain of the surgery I mentioned in the blogpost immediately previous to this one
• loving all my blog friends from afar
  

pray for me as i undergo surgery...

So yeah, God is showing me things about myself again. I actually asked him tonight to do surgery on me, specifically in the area of how I relate to him. And yeah, that was kinda scary. I have had actual surgery once. Five years ago, on my knee. And that was incredibly painful. This surgery I am talking about now is spiritual surgery - on my heart. Open heart surgery if you will.

I haven't been relating to God in healthy ways. While my picture of him has healed significantly over the last year, he brought it to my attention tonight that there's more to do. And there's not just a simple quick-fix for the problem either. It's going to be painful. And it will require perseverance on my part, following the Doctor's orders explicitly, doing all the rehab necessary, etc... In a way I am kinda excited about it.

In other news, I started the Believing God study by Beth Moore today with my friend and mentor Debbie, the wife of the president of the college. We watched a 50-minute video for the first session and already I am blown away by the profundity of what I learned and what I have yet to learn. She was talking about the promised land and what that looks life for us today and on earth. My promised land, and your's too, is a place where my theology meets my reality. They aren't separate. But I so often live like they are separate, like I am just waiting or passing time until I get to the Promised Land. So another prayer of mine this year would be that my theology and my reality begin to coalesce.

I bought myself a blue bracelet today. And now you're thinking, "Why is that blog-worthy?" And now I will tell you why. In Numbers 15, the Israelites are instructed to wear tassels on their garments with blue cords attached to each tassel to remind them of God's commands and to obey them and they will be consecrated. And elsewhere in the Bible it says that it shall be written on the right hand: "I am the Lord." So Debbie and I are combining the two passages and wearing blue bracelets on our right hands to remind us that He is God, that He is the Lord. We talked about doing just blue cords since that's what they wore on their tassels; but I wanted something a little more wearable, a little more feminine.

And yet another prayer of mine this year is that God would transform my noun belief into a verb of believing. I want to be active in believing in God and not just have a belief in him. Does that make sense? Most of all I really pray that this study would have deep effects in my spiritual walk that would send earthquakes throughout every aspect of my life.

There was a whole gammut of emotions that I went through today. And currently, I am content and at peace. Full of hope that God's promises and his Word will become real to me this year in never-before-seen ways. Full of life. Full of love.

monkeys and bait...

Yesterday I went hiking with 4 friends. We were crammed into Madame Blueberry, the little blue Neon, enjoying the blue skies and mountains around us. We were laughing hard. Then Cheryl out of nowhere says, quite randomly, "Sometimes I feel like a monkey, because those are the times that I don't think at all." Even more raucous laughter ensued. Later, while we were hiking she said, "I feel like bait," because there had been bear sightings just prior to our arrival and she was berry picking. I love that girl so much! Without her, my life would be much more dull.

I promise to return to more regularly scheduled programming very soon. Life has been so full for me lately that I haven't had time to update regularly. I need to settle into my new schedule/routine.