one of the best experiences of my life...

Let me just say that God has blessed me with some deep friendships with men of very high integrity recently. Last weekend I had been a little disappointed by the behavior of a couple of my friends. I had just gotten done telling one of them how much I appreciated his authenticity and transparency in his life, that I loved how he relates to people and brings them out. He told me that it was the best compliment he'd ever received. And the next day came the fall. I won't go into details but only that it made me question my own character that I would hang out with people who would do such things. I felt like a fool for paying him that compliment; I felt as though I had been snowed.

And then last night the two of them showed up here after driving 3 hours to apologize to all the parties involved. They were very humble and asked for forgiveness. They were incredibly remorseful over how they behaved. (Let me just say that what they did wasn't terrible. They didn't hurt anyone but themselves really and only temporarily hurt a few of us here.) They had talked a lot together over the course of the week and prayed with each other about things that happened. They both decided they needed to come down and apologize to everyone. One of them, the main one involved, did most of the talking and part of what he said was how he wasn't where he should be spiritually.

I was able to say without reservation that I forgave them and that I love them both so very much. I told them I respected them immensely for facing up to it. And then I was hit with this thought and shared it with the group: We are all capable of doing what they did. We all sin. And when we do, if we handle it with as much humility as they did then we'd all be doing very well. And I looked at the one who said he wasn't where he should be and told him not to believe that lie and said that we are all exactlywhere we need to be. God us has all here, where we are in our spiritual journeys, for a very specific reason. And I said that I felt it was all to teach us a lesson about integrity and living in intentional relationships with each other. Then I looked at the other, to whom I had paid the compliment last weekend, and told him how over the week I wanted to take it back, but now I mean it even more than before.

It turned into an awesome confession time among some of my best friends. It was incredible. The presence of the Holy Spirit was palpable. We weren't just confessing our sins against each other but our sins in secret, the things we do when no one is looking. I had never experienced anything like it. This group of friends now means more to me than I could ever imagine; this is the very picture of intentional friendships and it's beautiful, to say the absolute least. I hope that everyone can experience this kind of love in their own relationships.

Now, a prayer request... The little brother of one of the two guys was flown by 'copter from his home village of Koyuk, AK to Anchorage with severe burns on his face and neck. He's listed in very serious condition. It is due to neglect. I have seen pictures and it's very traumatic. He will definitely have permanent scarring, even after reconstructive surgeries. The boy is named Willie and he is only six years old. Please pray for him.

all the things that really matter...

My birthday weekend was phenomenal. There were many times throughout the weekend that I thought Oh I need to remember this for my blog, whether it was something funny someone said or just a good memory to put down on "paper" to come back to later. But, now that I am actually sitting to write about them I can't remember all of them. I do remember getting the coffee mug from Sharon and the incredible cookies from JoAnne and the Burt's Bees Hand Repair Creme and Burt's Bees Night Creme from Cheryl.

But the very best things were the intangible gifts - the ones that couldn't be touched but the ones that were felt or experienced. Like Tom and Doug taking turns reading the 29th verse of every chapter in Proverbs that had a 29th verse and then reading all of Chapter 29 itself, along with Psalm 29. Like Blassi making me dinner - spaghetti with good homemade sauce. Like Tom taking me out for a couple birthday beers on Saturday night at around 11:30 and getting so lost in good authentic convo that we completely lost all track of time and didn't leave until around 2 or so. Like Tom and I meeting up with Blassi and his brother Larry, and Lisa and Doug at Blassi's place and seizing the opportunity to tell each of them how much I love them and how thankful I was that they helped me celebrate. Like going to the beach to play frisbee with 4 of your best friends and then heading to the bluffs to watch the sun "set." Like hanging out all night and not going to bed until 4:30am. Like hanging out at Buckets for almost 4 hours last night watching NBA Finals. Those were the things I remember and will remember years from now. Those were the gifts of the most worth for me. And they were all gifts of relationship and fellowship, people giving of themselves because that's all they had to give and because they knew that's all I wanted. Yeah, it was a good weekend.

I remember laughing A LOT and feeling loved. And that's really all that's important, right?

Oh and I remember this... Doug said the other day: "When I became a Christian God took all my sins and put 'em in a big burlap sack and tied 'em up and tossed 'em into the deepest, darkest ocean. And then he posted a sign der that says, 'ABSOLUTELY NO FISHING!'"

party like it's... 1977?

1977 was a year of tragic things...

The Oakland Raiders won the Superbowl (being a KC Chiefs fan, this is tragic)
The Yankees won the World Series (I am not a Royals fan but also am not a Yankees fan either)
Elvis Presley died in his bathroom in Graceland
Stephen King's The Shining was published (not a huge King fan either)

1977 was a year of great things...

Jimmy Carter became president
President Carter pardoned several thousand draft evaders
Anwar Sadat pursues peace by flying to Jerusalem
Star Wars was the top grossing film
ABBA passed up the Beatles in having the top number of records sold
You Light Up My Life by Debby Boone spent a lot of time at the top of the charts
Three's Company premiered on tv
Orlando Bloom was born along with Liv Tyler, Ludacris, Shakira, and Sarah Michelle Gellar... and ME!

I am 29 today. A year away from 30. YIKES! My sister Lisa turned 30 a couple days ago. I wonder how she feels. 25-26 were my best years, my favorite years of my life so far. It seems weird to say that I am 29. When I was little I always thought 29 sounded so old, you know? It was like, "Wow! You're 29! I can't believe you're that OLD!" Now I am 29 and I don't feel old but in some ways I do. I am young in my heart but man... my bones is creakin' fo shizzle. Know what I mean?

Tom and Doug and Blassi are all here from Anchorage for the weekend. So it's bound to be good times. Happy Birthday to me!

conversations: part two...

Last week when I said that part two would be up the next day, I really meant in a week.

Another conversation Lisa and I had on the way to and from Anchorage was about how so many of us so often play the comparison game. It's the one in which we let others beat us by comparing ourselves to them or thinking they're somehow better in us in some way. It's not really a very fun game so I don't know why we (or I) play it so much.

It occured to me, during our conversation, that when we compare ourselves to others like we do we are really denying our "made-in-the-image-of-Godness." He made us just the way he wanted us and gave us all traits and characteristics that reflect his own. When we wish we were more like someone else or when we beat ourselves up for how we look, aren't we really saying that God's design wasn't good enough?

Now, I am not saying that there aren't things in our lives that we need don't need to work on, 'cause, indeed, there are. I am talking about the things that are beyond our control - a big nose, small squinty eyes, full lips, why we're introverted when we long to be more extroverted, why some of us are more prone to being overweight while others can eat all they want and still stay ripped, etc... Those are the things I am talking about. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

We need to accept those parts of us that secular American culture rejects. Maybe we need to change our point of view on our "flaws" and start looking at them as beautiful. Maybe we're the lucky ones and everyone else got jipped. Sure, it's easier said than done but wouldn't it revolutionize our lives? I think if we challenge the way we think about and see ourselves our lives would drastically change. We'd become more confident, more alluring, more mysterious, more loving, more lovable, more forgiving of ourselves and others, more gracious, more relaxed, and perhaps most importantly, more "us" - the "us" that God created and desired us to be from the very beginning of time.

I bet if we changed our thinking to be always positive, we would soon find others comparing themselves to us saying, "Wow! She is radiant! She's happy and content with who she is. How can I get that?" And we can tell them, "I was intentionally created by God, the same one that hung the sun and moon and all the stars and named them, the same one that made the mountains and the oceans, the same one that made all the animals and plants. He made all those things and he made you and we are the only part of his creation to whom he gave his very own image. If you firmly and adamantly believe that about yourself and won't let anyone talk you into believing otherwise, you can have the same radiance and contentedness."

I challenge you to write on a post-it, or on your mirror with lipstick or dry erase pens, that you are magnificent, that you are alluring and mysterious, that you are beautiful (or handsome, whichever you prefer), that the stars pale in comparison to your radiance, and that you are excellently made. Write it, recite it, take it in. And soon, I bet, your life will be very different.

This was written more as a reminder of my conversation and more for my own benefit than for anyone else's. I have made a commitment to myself to take the challenge mentioned in the last paragraph. I have made a commitment to loving myself as I am.

just as i am...

Conversations: Part Two will be up tomorrow.

Today, I want to share my journal entry from yesterday with you.

all i hear is the gentle whoosh of the river, the whisper of the wind, and the
music that creation is supplying for me. all i see is the white of the
snow-capped mountains, the green-blue of the river, the green trees, and vast
expanses of bright blue sky. all i feel is the warmth of the sun on my face, the
caress of the breeze, my hair gently blowing, the smooth surface of this page,
and the fullness in my soul. i even feel a little more beautiful as i hear you
tell me how much more captivating i am than my surroundings. and yet... even
with all those things, with as happy as i am here, all i am thinking about right
now is how much i miss my friends back home and the comfort they provide when i
am hurting like i am right now.

it dawned on me last night, as we sat
with our bodies touching and he put his head on my shoulder, how much i care for
him. and it dawned on me, nearly simultaneously, that the feelings will never be
returned by him. i will never be good enough for him i thought as i looked at
him with the same longing look that he was bestowing on my stunning friend. who
am i anyway to have thought it possible that our friendship could lead to more?
look at the women he's been interested in all year. you're nothing like them.
even as i was saying these things to myself, something inside me was telling me
that's precisely the reason he should feel the same for me - i am nothing like
them. and as i heard the words, i so wanted to believe in them but history tells
me a different story. apparently, i am not what men seek.

i have a past
that's riddled with pain and at times, regret. i have been reckless with money.
i am not a perfect christian. a cuss word or two has been known to slip out,
usually saved for those occasions that really call for it, like the other day
when i missed the fish and attempted to filet my finger instead. i have a few
extra pounds to me and a few blemishes on my skin. i love beer and rock and
roll. i am passionate and outspoken, sometimes loud. i am shamelessly addicted
to blogging, blog-surfing, MySpace, and those little surveys that friends send
you via email. i sometimes struggle with feeling like everything i do is wrong.
i can be insecure at times. i can't really dance all that gracefully, unless
it's the two-step or a slow song. i sometimes watch rated-R movies, and not only
that, but i like them sometimes too.

yes, those things are true but i
also have been forgiven for my past by you and i can't even see you. i am
generous with my time, with my love, and with my heart. i am trusting in you to
always provide for me. i may not be a perfect christian but i wish to seek you
in all i do. i have a lot of love to give. i listen with my whole body. i am not
afraid to laugh out loud. i care intensely about the people in my life, those
with whom i have any type of relationship. i strive to live as transparently as
possible and appreciate the same quality in others. i love hiking and camping,
and just the outdoors in general. i love and appreciate all genres of music, and
music, as a whole, is a huge part of my life. i love animals, especially big
dogs, maybe a little too much; i am very sensitive for all of your wonderful
creatures. i love the country and only want to go into the city to visit. i gaze
up at the stars and wonder who is doing the same. i am in love with alaska. i
have special gifts that you've given me that i know will mesh perfectly with
someone else's.

somewhere deep inside me i know that if someone would
put forth a little effort in getting to know who i am, they might actually like
me. no... they might actually find themselves in love with me. i know i am worth
getting to know romantically and intimately. i know i am beautiful because you
created me and i am made in your image and you are beyond breathtaking. i know
these things are true. and still i sit and wait for something that seemingly
will never happen to me. i know i am complete only in you. and yet i ache to
share my life with someone. my life is rich and full here. i am living a dream
come true. but my heart still has it's vacancy sign lit up.

you know i
am 29 in a week and a half. and i am scared. you know that too. i am scared that
i won't be able to have kids. i am scared of not ever finding someone. i am
scared of watching everyone else get married and attending all the weddings
alone. of always being a bridesmaid. i am also scared of letting love in. the
one thing i want so much and i am afraid of it. but i know that you can take
away that fear. you can take away all the pain. you can comfort me and give me
peace that passes understanding. you give me joy. you can dry these tears and
calm my heart. i have prayed for these things before and they remain. i pray for
them again... and again... and again... until i no longer need to pray for them.
or until you bring someone into my life who will look past my few extra pounds,
my love for music of all kinds including my rock and roll, my being
irresponsible with money, and see the perfectly flawed creation that you
designed me to be. someone that will love me because i am me, exactly as i am
right now, someone with whom i can break myself open and show him all the ugly
parts and say this is me; be careful with me because i am fragile. and he will
look at all those pieces and absolutely love what he sees. someone that won't
not love me because i don't look a certain way or because i have made too many
mistakes or because i am too much.

you made one dream of mine come true
by bringing me to alaska. i pray for this other dream now. that you would bring
it to life or take it away.

it's not that i will never be enough for
him. the truth of it is, i am enough right now. just as i am. you taught me that
when you died for me before i ever was. but maybe he's not enough for me. maybe
you just have someone better for me. if so, where?

This journal entry is personal. It's very real and maybe more real than you wanted to read. But it's where I am right now. Broken and hurting. But also trusting in God.

conversations: part one...

Last weekend's nearly 6 hours in the car up to Anchorage and back provided ample opportunity for Lisa and I to indulge in some rich conversation.

One of the things I mentioned (and I know I have written about this before but for me it's worth repeating because it's just one of the ways God has blessed me) was how I still can't get over the fact that I get to live here. In Alaska. It's a state that is 2.5 times the size of Texas (if you divided Alaska in half, Texas would be the 3rd largest state) and is 1/5 the size of all the lower 48 combined, with over 365 million acres (1 million for every day of the year). Yet given it's vast size there are less than 1 million people in the entire state (only 640K). The state sport is dog mushing and the state land mammal is the moose. There are more than 3000 rivers, over 3 million lakes, over 100,000 glaciers, and 70 active volcanoes in Alaska. And of the 20 highest peaks in North America, 17 of them are here. I could go on and on about all that Alaska has to offer, but that could potentially take forever and I have too much daylight to burn right now.

I seriously sometimes still cannot believe that I get to live here. I drive down the street and God takes my breath away over and over again. Sometimes when I am listening to the radio I will hear someone say something about Soldotna and my mind will have forgotten that I live here and for a brief moment I will think in my mind, Hey! I've been to Soldotna!... And then I will remember that I live here and my heart fills with joy all over again like it was my first day here. That really happens to me now and never happened in Kansas (Amy, I know you love it there but I was just dying to get out).

The realization of this dream started a long time ago when I was a little girl. We would vacation in the mountains of Colorado nearly every summer and I always found refuge there. My heart was always happier there. The mountains are so much more impressive to me than the ocean. I was 14 or 15 before I ever saw the ocean (in Galveston, TX) and when I did it was like just another large body of water to me, another lake. I was unimpressed. Now I live where ocean is divided by mountains rising up out of the water like Triton did in Greek mythology. The sites are truly remarkable - there aren't adequate words to describe the beauty and splendor of this place.

When I brought this up, Lisa said that she feels the same way about Alaska. We are so lucky!