triggers and broken hearts...
Yesterday I was trying to arrange my plans for the 4th of July. I have had this desire since the other day when my friend posted about Old Glory Days in Clinton, MO to go back to Clinton, my hometown, and attend the days festivities. Of course, I didn't want to go alone so I called my dad in an effort to spend some time together and continue working on building the relationship we so desperately want now that we didn't have while I was growing up. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to spend some quality time together. I told him about my plans and his response was, "I don't think I am mentally capable of that right now. I have been driving back in forth from Junction City, trying to hire people, buying a farm, and am about to go crazy." (He just started a new job with Alutiiq - an Alaskan based company - as a construction executive. Junction City is about 2 hours from here one way. He and my stepmom will be living there - in the house on the nine acres of land they bought - during the week and here on the weekends and holidays.) His response triggered in me feelings of rejection and not being good enough for him to want to spend time with me. I remember times growing up when I would ask him to play with me or I would tell him I needed to talk. "Not right now," or "Maybe later" was always his response. I always felt his career was more important. I know he did not intend to hurt my feelings last night when he said, "No," but it was automatic. He even said, "I know this will hurt you and I don't want to do that but I just can't go." Still his words sliced my heart and stabbed at my soul. I was a little girl again begging for her dad's attention and affection and begging to get a different response than what she was used to. And again the response was, "You're too much for me right now."
I have been through the training, I should know better than to let those triggers get to me and effect me the way they have in the past. Why now? Why do I feel so hurt? I am at a loss. The wounds were well on their way to healing.
For once I just want him to want to spend time with me. I want him to want me more than his job. I want him to say, "Yes. Christina, I will go with you. This is important to you and you are important to me. Let's go and spend the day together." Instead my heart is broken. Heavy. Closed. I can't explain it.
Father God, you know my heart and its desires. You know how much I want to mend this relationship with my dad and to spend time with him. You also know the extent of the wounds that are a result of our relationship of the past. Set me free from those wounds. Heal me. Help me. Hold me.
2 comments:
Hey Ceej...just a small word of encouragement. Your dad doesn't think you're too much, he's just exhausted. He probably wants to give you his full attention, and knows that he wouldn't do that this weekend. He's just keeping healthy boundaries.
Your Father in heaven, though, our Yahweh, Abba...he's got all this omniscient time in the world to spend with you and he's just so antsy with joy to spend time with you. Isn't that the coolest? That he "wants to do your dishes." :) Humans are fallible. God, however, just isn't.
Thanks for your encouraging words that you posted on my blog. I know he doesn't think I am too much. I know that in my head but my heart still needs a little convincing. Those wounds run deep and long, 28 years of hearing the same thing over and over and over again. I think I almost expected him to tell me, "No" yesterday no matter how much I wanted him not to.
I am learning to turn to Christ in times like this, to sit on his lap, to listen to him tell me that he has the time, to hear him say he loves me. I am sure that the more I do it the easier it will become and the more natural it will seem.
In the meantime, I think I needed to feel what I felt yesterday in order to remind me that my father is not the same person and I am not the same person. And also to remind me that ultimately I am God's daughter.
Thanks AmyG! I love you!
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