the quest, the equation, the result...

Lately I have been doing some soul-searching, some reading, some inquiring, some seeking answers. I have just felt recently that I am tired. Tired of having this desire in me for something more and having it seemingly remain unsatisfied. "The quest is to know Jesus better, to follow him more closely, to become - in some mysterious way - wrapped into his presence." (The Sacred Way: Spiritual Practices for Everyday Life by Tony Jones) That description of this quest, this journey was better than any description I could have come up with, without a doubt. To be "wrapped into his presence." I love the image of that: warm and gauzy, glowing and soft, mysterious and haunting yet comfortable and safe.

When I was very young (both in faith and in age) I tried to find out what it meant exactly to be a Christian. During my most formative years, this is what I heard most often: 1-read the Bible, 2-pray, and 3-go to church. I did all of those things throughout most of my life (with sabbaticals here and there to explore life my own way) only to be left with the feeling that there has to be something more, something else to it that I was not quite grasping. I felt like it was there just beyond my reach, just far enough away as if to say "Nanny nanny boo-boo, you can't get me." I felt as though I have all this "head-knowledge" but when it comes to "heart-knowledge" it seemed there was something lacking there. Much like a vessel that has had the bottom cut off and for a while I was being constantly filled, constantly poured into - flushing out old, pouring in new - refreshed in the spirit. But then at times it seemed that the pourer had stopped pouring. The faucet was dry. And I entered a season of drought.

Enter shame. The equation: God is out there + God wants to hear from me and I talk + I listen for his voice + I don't hear him speak = failure by me. I am filled with this dark ugly void that tells me over and over and over again that I failed, that I did it all wrong, and if I knew how to do it right, how to listen to him and had I done it right the first time I wouldn't be feeling this way. If only...

Looking back I see that the result of that has been repetitive and non-productive. I will become ashamed of myself that I lack faith. I will start all over in my walk with God as though it's my first time, like I have no knowledge of him, learning the same things over and over and over again. And then it comes; it's inevitable, I hit the brick wall again. Head on.

What I am learning is that it's okay to go through a little season of drought every now and then. I think it's those seasons that could be most productive in pushing me forward, drawing me ever closer to the presence of God. In those seasons, instead of going all the way back to the beginning like I have done something wrong, I can just start again from there, asking questions, exploring, discovering, being curious - even a little, dare I say it, doubtful? I am discovering that a little doubt in one's life regarding God and his mysteriousness is okay, healthy even. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) Doubt allows for further exploration, further research, further imploring to discover the answers on my own, to set out to prove myself wrong and God eternally right. Doubt carries with it opportunities for great adventure within this quest, along this journey toward God. God can use doubt to plant seeds of faith in me that grow into beautiful flowers blooming with lots of knowledge. But more importantly, also blooming with a deeper, richer, fuller love for him - a more authentic understanding of the "presence" of God, an unveiling of the beauty of who he is. Magnificent. Mysterious. Abba (Daddy). Love. My completion.

In the book I quoted above, the author relays an experience he had one day while sitting in a coffeeshop. He was looking out into the parking lot at the mall across the street. There was a brand new BMW, it didn't even have tags yet, parked way out away from the other cars to prevent dents and dings. A storm brewed and the wind pushed a shopping cart from several hundred yards away and sent it crashing into that BMW. The author described it as though the cart had a mission, it was honed in on its target. Mission accomplished. Tony then took that and related the shopping cart to God.

It seems to me that God is a lot like that shopping cart-not that God has four wheels and a child safety strap, but that God always seeks us out. No matter how far away we park, and no matter how much we try to avoid bumping into the Divine Creator of the Universe, God finds us and leaves a mark. It's not a search-and-destroy mission; it's a search-and-give-life mission.

So even when I do feel a little thirsty for him, like I am going through a spiritual drought, I know that even then he's seeking me out. He's tagging along right beside me like a shadow. Love wins. God always prevails. I find a great deal of comfort in that.


I promise my pictures from the party are still coming. I hope to have them uploaded and ready for posting tomorrow.