lowlights and london update...

As good as my trip home was, there were some low points of the trip.

* Cancer. I found out that my grandmother, my dad's mom, has Basal Cell cancer around her eyes. It's gone pretty deep. They are having to remove her eyelid and do major reconstructive surgery. Please pray for her.
* Displaced. I felt like I was displaced for a large part of the trip. Kinda like I had been gone so long that I didn't belong anymore. And like I had changed so much so why hadn't everyone else, or why hadn't the city.
* Best friends? Not knowing if I could still call my best friend "my best friend." We hadn't really talked for a long time and I felt so far removed from her life that I wasn't sure what to call her. It was strange to go back and realize that she had been seeing someone new for 4-5 months and I didn't really know anything about him. I had known all her boyfriends from the very beginning. It was also strange to see the ways in which she changed as well over the last year. It felt to me, at times, a little bit like I was "competition" for some of her new friends that I didn't know but that had been there during these changes, had witnessed them, had walked her through them, and already knew Jack. It seemed to me, for a while anyway, like we were strangers becoming friends. It was a hard place for me. But I feel now that we will always be friends. There's a history between us that is long and palpable like southern summer days. Comforting. Familiar. Sweet.
* Commercialism. I was overwhelmed almost instantly with the amount of commercialism and materialism that is on display there. That is the one thing that puts me off about moving back. I live now in a place that is so simple, so laid back. It's a place that seems far removed from the American Dream and society's scramble to achieve it.
* Failed plans. I didn't get to see everyone that I wanted to see or do everything I wanted to do or eat everything that I wanted to eat. But everything I did get to do was all stuff I wanted to do. So I am very grateful.
* Some things never change. I went out with an old friend from high school, with whom I have a little bit of history, and realized that he hasn't really changed at all. He would be such a good guy, if only he would grow up in some ways.
* Chiefs. Yes, they did make it to the playoffs. But why did they have to lose in the first round and do it so horribly none the less. Come on! An entire first half without any first downs? What is that? That's not football; that's like summer without sunshine or life without faith! Completely hopeless!
* Leaving. I hated leaving. I was just getting used to being back home and getting used to being with old friends again. But like I said before, once I got back to Alaska and saw friends from here I was glad I came back.

And now for an update on my trip to London in April. I applied for the summit and for the scholarship last Tuesday or Wednesday. I find out if I am accepted to go to the summit sometime before this coming Tuesday. I am not sure if I find out about the scholarship at the same time or if I have to wait on that. But I am still fairly confident that I will go to the summit regardless of the scholarship if I am accepted to attend. It's kind of nerve-wracking, this waiting is. It seems like I am almost constantly checking my UAA email account. It's ridiculous! Please continue to pray. In the event that I am accepted, I already have over $100 promised to me by people willing to help me get there! And for that, I am very grateful!

going to londontown...

Hi all! My lowlights from my month-long trip home are still coming. But I have some news that I want to share with you all first...

Every once in a while I will present current events to the student body here at Alaska Christian College to raise awareness on campus. I usually will cover 2-3 topics each time, typically up-to-date information on what's happening domestically in our government and then a major social justice issue, either domestic or international. Today was one of those days. My topics were a smaller piece on the new tax cut plan that Bush is proposing in his State of the Union address tomorrow night and then a major piece on human trafficking. I have done a lot of research on human trafficking, domestic and international, and it sickens me. Some of the things that I found out while preparing for my presentation today were shocking and horrifying and gut-wrenching. I have become so intrigued by this topic lately that I have been perusing the Internet looking for articles on it and exploring organizations that work to emancipate the victims and prosecute the traffickers. It has quickly developed into a passion of mine. So much so that I am very seriously considering changing my major to Social Justice.

So, today was my first day back on the job in public relations at Kenai Peninsula College and I was telling my boss all about the presentation I was about to give. I told her what it was about and how sick I felt after reading true stories of women and children who were sold into slavery for sexual exploitation and have since been emancipated. Not even two minutes after I had finished telling her about this she receives an email from another staff member at the college. It was about an annual summit that's held every year for student leaders. The summit is called Bringing the World Home and this year's theme is Stopping Human Trafficking. She proceeds to read me the entire email explaining when it is (at the end of April, right before finals), and other details. But when she said that it was in London, UK I had pretty much given up hope that I would be there. She goes on to say that there are full and half scholarships available for the summit for which interested students can apply. I just about lost it then. She told me that if I don't apply for it then I must be out of my mind.

The timing of it all just seemed unmistakable and impossible to ignore. So I am applying for the scholarship. I am fairly confident that I will get one. But even if I don't I am thinking of raising money to go anyway. My boss said that she would help me raise money for it too in the event that I don't get a scholarship. The cost of the summit itself is 50 pounds or about $100 and, according to the website, that covers lodging, meals, a few tourist attractions, summit materials, etc... for I think 3 days. Not to mention the experience of a lifetime and hearing internationally-acclaimed speakers stand up for those that can't stand up for themselves. And, of course, my first time ever going abroad. So I just checked flights to London from Anchorage and you can fly round-trip for $460. Yes, that's right. Roundtrip for $460, Anchorage to London and back again. Granted, the price is good for flights up to March something, but my hope is that they will continue to have good deals on flights to London.

I have a birth certificate to track down and a passport to get. And an essay to write for the scholarship. I have a lot to do. I will keep you updated. And will try to get the lowlights out this week. I just thought this was a little more important and would be a little more exciting for you to read. I can't help but think that this is something I am supposed to pursue. It was like confirmation that I am on the right track. But I don't want to be misled either. Love you all. Oh... and please pray for me that doors would be opened if I am to go to this summit.

highlights...

As promised, here is a list of highlights from my month-long vacation at home. This is going to be a fairly long list so consider yourself warned.

*70 degrees! When I boarded the plane in Anchorage on December 15, it was -5; and when I landed in Kansas City on the 16th, it was 72. My dad and I headed straight to Chipotle where we ate lunch outside. It remained in the 50s, 60s, and 70s for the better part of my stay.
*Nieces and nephews, seven of them! I miss all those kids so much it hurts. I got some good cuddle time in with them.
*Secrets! I spent 5 days at my oldest sister's (Traci's) place in Topeka along with her husband and 5 kids. I had Josiah on my lap, he's the third oldest. I asked him if he wanted to hear a secret and he said that he did. I put my lips up against his ear and made kissy noises over and over again. After that, every so often he would say, "Aunt Chwis, I want to hear a secret." And I would do it all over again. Then Hannah, the second youngest started doing it too.
*Nothing! Entire days filled with doing a whole lot of it. 'nough said, I think.
*Grilled cheese! Again, I was at Traci's place and we were having grilled cheese one day at lunch. Someone asked Hannah if she wanted to know a secret and she said that she did expecting the same kissy noises. That person must have told her that her Aunt Chris loved her because she gasped out, "Aunt Chwis loves me!" Upon hearing this I said, "I sure do. I love you whole bunches!" Then Josiah said, "I love YOU, Aunt Chwis." And I said, "I love you too, Josiah." And Hannah said, "Well, I love my grilled cheese!"
*Friends! This trip I got to spend some time with two friends in particular and we went to deeper levels in both of them - had deeper conversation, a more rich time.
*A mini high school reunion! My best friend from high school is dating someone, Jack, that we went to high school with although I don't remember him at all from back then. I remember his friends but not him. Anyway, Jack's best friend is Dirk who also went to high school with us. One night while I was staying at Nida's, we made gumbo and invited Jack and Dirk over along with Rod, also from high school but 2 years ahead of us. It was fun and weird too, to sit there 12 years later with people I didn't know before and talk about common memories.
*Kansas! I discovered for the first time the grand beauty of Kansas and Missouri. I had never noticed it before. It's a quiet beauty, the kind that I can imagine Donald Miller writing about in only the way that he can, that prose of his that brings nostalgia to the surface.
*Family! I spent gobs of time with family - aunts, uncles, cousins, fiances of cousins, grandparents, parents, etc... I miss those people!
*Cats! My dad has become a cat person since I've been in Alaska. He has never, ever, ever, ever liked cats. And now he has 3! A girl named Martha Kneader, a boy named Chester, and a little girl kitten named Moo. Watching him play with those cats warmed my heart!
*Community and fellowship! Being back at my church in the communities in which I was involved before moving was so good for my heart. Fusion and The Gathering were my communities, the places I went to when I needed to be fed - Fusion for more of a social feeding and The Gathering for a spiritual nourishment.
*Surprises! The first Sunday I was in town I went to church un-announced. After the service my friend Chad Rader saw me and did a double take and reached out to hug me. He said, "Wow! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes!"
*Reading! I got to read a lot while I was home. I enjoy doing this more than I enjoy watching movies even though I watch more movies than I do read books.
*Laughter! There was a whole lotta laughing going on almost the entire time.
*Sunrises on the lake! My dad lives on Tuttle Creek Lake in Manhattan, KS and the sun would rise from across the water and cast red-orange-yellow on the water in silvery paths of light.
*Sunsets behind the hills! The other direction on my dad's property is just miles and miles and miles of Kansas hill country. The sun would sink down behind them as though they were pillows and the sun was a head going down for the night.
*Time! I realized that my best friend from high school, Nida, and I still complete each other's sentences and say the same things at exactly the same time after so many years and after so many months of being separated. We've both changed so much but not as much as I'd thought after all.
*Love! While home I felt loved in a more complete way that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
*Food! Chipotle / 1st Watch / Olive Garden / Tequila Harry's
*Dinner! This is very different than simply food. Dinner is when you gather with family or friends around a table and partake together - partaking of food and drink, and partaking of life.
*Zoo! Nida and I got to play zoo with Jack's daughter Lexi. And Jack was the gorilla and we were the cats and he was out to capture us.
*Late nights! The best conversations take place very late at night and very early in the morning. Especially with Nida and I.
*Internet free! I made a commitment that while I was on break, I was breaking from everything - blogging, emailing, myspacing, facebooking. It was nice.
*Dominoes! I learned to play dominoes while I was home. The same night as the gumbo, Dirk had brought his domino set. Jack and I whipped up on Dirk and Nida. I did well for my first time, I must say!
*Coffee shops! I frequented lots of coffee shops while home. Coffee shop convos rank right up there with late-night convos.
Boulevard Unfiltered Wheat with lemon / frozen margaritas with salt / wine with dinner.
*Cheap! Everything's cheaper in the midwest. Gas was $1.95 - compared to Alaska's $2.70, that's cheap!
*Movies! Going to the movies in Kenai/Soldotna means going to a building a little bigger than a large house to see a movie on one of two or three screens. And it means hitting the theater at just the right time to see what you want to see, because due to the small amount of screens they cycle movies in and out so quickly. In Kansas, going to the movies means going to huge cineplexes where there are 30 or more screens.
*Chiefs! I got to spend time with people who actually care and make a big deal out of Chiefs games and that they made it to the playoffs, even if they did lose in the first round.
Humping and mating! I learned a lot about humping trains from Sam the humpmaster and about the mating department at Hallmark cards from Amy. It was quite educational.
*Worship! I experienced the type of worship that I had been lacking and missing. I actually felt like a vacancy in me had been filled during worship at Heartland.
*Shooting! My dad and I spent a few afternoons shooting on the beach. It just proved that a little practice does make perfect. It was fun and I did really well too!
*Sewing! I was having coffee one night with Amy and as we were leaving the coffee shop my purse strap broke completely off. A couple days later my stepmom helped me make a purse out of a pair of my dad's old overalls. I love it, it's so cute! And I have gotten a lot of compliments on it too!
*More nieces and nephews! Traci told me that she's pregnant again with number 6. And she hopes it's twins - which is actually a possibility.
*Sleep! I got to stay up really late and sleep in really late without having to be anywhere in particular unless I chose to be.
*No agendas! I got to go where I wanted, when I wanted, with whom I wanted, to do what I wanted.
*Friends! Seeing my friends in Kansas and Missouri was fantastic. It was really hard to get back on the plane to come back to Alaska. But once I got here, seeing my friends from school made it worth it.
*Pummellos! This last Sunday after church in Anchorage Tom, Jesse, Adam Wilson, Laura, Anthony, and Pastor Mancini, Ryan, and I all went to New Sagaya (an organic foods market probably similar to Whole Foods) for lunch. Tom and Jesse were breaking open a Pummello, a citrus fruit that is bigger than a grapefruit and has a soft, squishy, thick skin. They were sharing it with the rest of us because we had never heard of them, let alone tasted them, and Pastor Mancini asked, "Where do these come from?" To which Tom dead-panned, "Aisle 2."

This is but a small sampling of the highlights from my trip. I am sure I could always come up with more but they would all just mean more to me than you would understand. The common theme in all of these things is love.

i am baaaack....

Hello my faithful few Internet friends. I trust that everyone had as fantastic a holiday season as I did. If I didn't get the pleasure of seeing you in person, know that you were still with me in heart and I thought about each of you. And if I did see you, thank you for making my time at home so absolutely wonderful that it was incredibly hard to get on the plane to come back to the Great North. But of course once I arrived and saw everyone it made doing just that so worth it! The atmosphere here on campus is laid back and cool again, like it was the first week, and we are acting like we actually love each other, and I suppose we do.

I wanted to blog more regularly while at home but life kept me pretty busy and I wanted to relish it instead of feeling like I had to capture the events in a post everyday. But...! I did make a list of highlights from my trip in my journal. I will post them within the next couple days. And lowlights - there were a few- will be soon to follow that.

Just wanted you all to know that I am back - both back in Alaska and back in happy bloggerland! And I missed both!

a new beauty...

I am home. I landed in Kansas City yesterday afternoon and it was 70 degrees outside. My poppa met me at the airport with a full white beard, looking like Santa. It was so wonderful to see him. We went straight to Chipotle, how I have missed Chipotle, and we sat outside and ate and watched the shoppers at Legends Shopping Center. Then we met up with my sisters and I saw all seven of my nieces and nephews. Two of them don't remember me and it makes me so sad. But it was such a joy to see and play with the rest of them. One of them, Hannah Grace, called me "Aunt Christmas" last year when I was home. It was so precious. She is beautiful. They are all beautiful. It was such a perfect day. We then met up with my friend Heather and she and I went to my aunt's house for the night. I was overwhelmed with the city. It was as if I was seeing it all for the first time. It was beautiful. A beauty I haven't seen before.

I was pretty exhausted and sick, having been up for about 36 hours so we called it an early night. I tried to go to sleep at 9:30 but then it occurred to me how long it had been since I had heard trains. I used to sleep right through them. They kept me awake for a bit but I finally slept. And then I awoke when my fever broke at 11:30. The trains were still clickety-clacking and choo-chooing. I got back to sleep a while later and slept through the night. My aunt had set out breakfast for us and it was wonderful. Heather and I went to church at my home church, Heartland Community Church. I hadn't told many people so it was wonderful to see the surprised looks on some faces. A friend, Chad Rader, said, "Wow! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes!" It was so good to be back there, among friends. I have missed it. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until today. I do. I miss it so much. It makes me ache a little. Or a lot.

Heather and I grabbed a quick lunch and then drove to Kirksville, MO; it's about 3 hours northeast of Kansas City. I was about to comment on how beautiful the drive was when she said, "This drive is so ugly and boring." When I lived here I thought the same thing. But now? Now that I have been gone for so long I have a new appreciation for everything. There's a new beauty that I am seeing. It's odd too, in a way. Everywhere that I have been to since I have been home has looked exactly the same as when I left. It's so strange. I have changed so much since I have been gone and for some reason I expected home to change too. But it hasn't. Sure, the people have but the city is the same. Does that make sense? I was so shocked by it. It's all so beautiful. Now I have an idea of what my friend Amy has been talking about all the times she's said that it's so beautiful here. I never believed her. Until now.

Something just occurred to me... and maybe this is sad. Or maybe it's not, I don't know. But it took me leaving to make me want to stay.

stripping...

"Lord, strip this world from me. Let the only weight be your glory upon me, your glory upon me... Let your love be the only stronghold over me, the only stronghold over me." This is my prayer right now. God's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Or maybe the devil's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Three people have made hurtful comments to me in the last couple weeks regarding something about which I am already sensitive. I feel a little like I have been demoralized, like Satan has figured out who, or what, it is that I fear I am the most and set about to confirm that in me. Does that make sense? It's like he knows those things about which I am most insecure and has been working overtime to make sure that I take those things and own them for myself.

The good thing about this is that I am realizing that while peoples' comments do hurt I have not been living in them or dwelling on them like I used to. I am becoming a little more like Lucia in Max Lucado's You are Special. The grey dots and gold stars are sticking less and less often. God is teaching me the special language of living in his abundance. He's teaching me that I am his favorite, that he didn't create me to reject me, that I have his full attention. He's captivated by me. And he's teaching me that it doesn't bring glory to him when I turn away from his opinion of me and that's what I have been doing. He has prosperity for me - prosperity of heart and mind - and he wants to give it to me by me accepting that I am who he says I am. As long as I turn away from that and don't choose to fully accept that I am who he says I am, I experience poverty of spirit.

There's so much I want to say right now but I think I need to sort it all out. This is good for now. God is changing me in very real, almost tangible ways. God is so good. And he is stripping me of this world.

what's next...

Earlier this week I said I would have at least one new post up this weekend. And here it is. It's not the one that I was working on because, well... because I am still working on it and because I am lazy at this particular moment and because... just because.

I was emailing a friend back who had asked me where I am at right now, how I am feeling, what's next after this year, and for prayer requests. To make it easy, I thought I would just post this for everyone that way you can pray for me too and know what's up in my life. So here goes...

Isn't it cool how the end result can make all the work leading up to it so worth
it in the end? It's amazing how things work out that way - work can actually be
rewarding when you can see a specific end in sight and it's the end that you
wanted to come to all along. Love it!

I can relate to you feeling like
you don't know what you're doing and relying on God. That's a little bit where I
am right now. I know this school year still has 6 months or so left in it and
the task of figuring out what to do afterward is looming. At the beginning of
this semester I wasn't too worried about it because I had plenty of time. But
lately, the last few weeks, I have really started to process and become
increasingly overwhelmed with this idea that I don't know what lies beyond the
middle of May. It's a little scary. I have all kinds of ideas about what I want
to do - all very different from each other - and am just up in the air about
which one's right for me right now. For instance I really want to continue my
education and get my 4-year degree from a 4-year Christian school. I want to
design my own major in Christian Leadership or major in Christian counseling.
Where I am now doesn't offer 4-year degrees, so do I leave a community I love to
go to school somewhere else? If so, where? I would love to be on staff here at
Alaska Christian College. There's a possibility of a position coming open here
that I am well-qualified for and have even filled in when others have been on
vacation. My only hesitation is that it's completely a raise-your-own-support
position. I know that, like you said, the effort put forth would be worth it in
the end but is it the right choice? I would also love to break into the
non-profit industry somehow. Or even start a new one myself. I would also love
to do ministry here in Alaska. There's such a need for revival here that it's
almost palpable. The people here are hungry for something and most have lived
without hope their whole lives. I would love to help bring about a revival in
this land. I would like to see more of an Emergent movement take place here in
Alaska. There's a lack of "church for the unchurched" type churches here in
Alaska, and yet, I feel that's the type of church that would be the most
beneficial and reap the most rewards in terms of furthering the Kingdom.
Basically, I find that there are two common themes in what I want to do: 1:
advocating on behalf of the oppressed, being a voice for the voiceless, and
offering hope to the hopeless and 2: impacting others for the Kingdom.

Now with all that said, I don't really feel that it's a matter of what
God's will is for me. I think he doesn't really have individual, specific wills
for each of us. While following God's will is, no doubt, the most important
thing, I also feel that God has given us a moral will (set out for us in the
Bible) for us to follow but beyond that I think his will is for us to actively
love him and pursue relationship with him. He leaves the rest of it up to us. I
once had a pastor that told me, Love God and do what you want. It resonated with
me. If you love God actively and whole-heartedly, you're likely not going to
intentionally do something outside his moral will. He's given us free will to do
what we want within his moral will. Does that make sense? I hope so. So I
strongly feel like whichever path I choose I will be within his will.

Prayer requests? Gosh, that's a good question - and an important one. I
guess I would say 1: pray that doors would opened that would guide to a decision
that's right for me; 2: pray that no matter which path I choose that it would be
a place where God is already working and I would join in work with him there; 3:
and this one is a little selfish and VERY honest so consider yourself warned,
but for a husband, someone to love, someone to argue with, someone to go through
all of the ups and downs with, someone to witness my life and for me to witness
their's, someone with whom I CAN (physically) live without but choose not to
live without, just someone to worship with and love God with. 4: for endurance
for these last 2 weeks of classes before break; and 5: that my break will be
rewarding, refreshing, and rejuvenating enough to carry me through next
semester.

So, yeah, this got a little long. Hopefully you made it this
far. I so appreciate your prayers and that we've been able to keep in contact
with each other since our blogs "met" over a year ago. Your prayers have been a
blessing, as well as your writing. Thank you.

I best get to doing some
homework.

Shalom, CJ

ya gheli du?

That is Athabascan for, "Is it good with you?" I hope so. It is with me. For the most part. Thanksgiving was fantastic. I was able to get away from people for a few days while I was housesitting and that was a very welcome change. I spent Thanksgiving Day among friends who have become stranger (that is, even more strange than before) and strangers who have become friends. I did have my feelings hurt badly by a boy who is no older than 8 years old. And then I started to think about what the boy must be facing in his own life that would allow for him to say such a hurtful thing to someone whom he had never before met. And it broke my heart.

There was some sad news this weekend too. One of my friends, Millie, was set to be married in February to the father of her little girl. She has been busy making wedding plans and designing invitations and everything that goes along with it. Her fiance was found frozen on Sunday morning in a village way up north. I have not heard the details surrounding his death but I do know that his death is a tragedy and a mystery. He had been with her just the night before taking her on the back of his snowmobile from Noorvik to Kotzebue, about a 2 hour trip. Something devastating had to happen between that time and the time that he died. Just pray for her and his family. His name is Joe.

I saw a movie Friday night with my friend Jeff. Deja vu is a great movie and here is just a little piece of trivia for you: there is an ambulance in the movie and on the front of it where the license plate should be there is one of those dealer advertising tags, you know what I am talking about? Well, it is from Olathe Ford. Olathe, KS is a suburb of Kansas City; it neighbors with Overland Park, which is where I moved from to Alaska. It's an action-packed movie - a little sci-fi, a little thriller, a little crime, etc... It was kinda scary too, what they were "playing" with in the movie. See it and you'll know what I'm talking about.

I am working on a couple other posts, one of which I hope to have up by this weekend.

thanksgiving...

Tomorrow is a day set aside each year for thanksgiving to God for the blessings in life that he has given unto us. I just wanted to take a minute and list only some of the things for which I am thankful:

• friends - you are the family that I get to choose. I love you all, including my blog friends whom I have never met in person.
• family - you are the friends that I don't get to choose. I miss my family immensely. I love you!
• faith - it's not just believing in God, it's believing God (what he says, etc...); believing that he is who he says he is, he can do what he says he can do, I am who he says I am, that I can do all things through Christ, and that his Word is alive and active in me. I'm believing God!
• memories - one in particular that I have been thinking about recently... My mom passed away in March of 2000. I remember a very specific group of special friends that gathered around me during that time to comfort and support me. I asked them to come to the hospital, about 15 of them I think, to be with me before she died and by the time they got there she had passed. Their presence there was so comforting for me. I will never forget you guys.
• dreams - two of which I am living out every day (living in Alaska and going to Bible school).a warm place to stay this weekend - I am housesitting for some friends until Sunday. And they have a yellow lab named Sunshine.
• for rest. Do I really have to elaborate on that?
• for the Sabbath - rest for the soul and an opportunity to grow in intimacy with God.
• for opportunities to serve others and in doing so, serve the Lord.
• for love.

I could seriously go on and on and on with this for a long time. But those are the most important things to me right now.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, old friends and new, family or not. I love you. I will not be on again until Sunday.

casting stones...

Chapter 8 of the biblical book of John tells a story of a woman, a prostitute to be specific, who was brought before the crowd to be judged. The Pharisees looked at Jesus and told him that the law demands that they stone such a woman and asked him what his thoughts were on the matter. I love what he had to say, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." He exhibited the ultimate in love and compassion toward the woman. Everyone standing around her already with stones in their hands, dropped the stones they were holding and began to walk away leaving Jesus alone with the woman. When all the others had left, Jesus spoke tenderly to her and told her that since no one else condemned her neither would he. And he commanded her to leave her life of sin.

This is the biblical model of grace that we should be following. But instead we are so quick to judge with our stones built of accusations and harsh words clutched firmly between our fingers ready to be cast. We stand gathered around the accused in a throng of pious and proud law followers trying desperately to hide the indiscretions we ourselves committed not hours before. We cling to the comfort of the crowd believing that there's strength in numbers. We say to each other that we can't believe how far the person fell from grace and we would never be able to do such terrible things.

And then we are called out either by Jesus himself or by someone who has decided to advocate on behalf of the accused and give voice to the voiceless. We are reminded that we will be judged the same amount that we have judged others and the measure we give out is the measure we ourselves will receive. And we remember that grace has no boundaries. It is infinite and unconditional and perfect. And really the person has fallen to grace and not away from it. We are the ones who have fallen away from grace and tried to define it and put boundaries around it. And who are we to do that? Who are we period?

One of my favorite authors, Donald Miller, says in his book Blue Like Jazz that we are all capable of committing the sins that we self-righteously claim we could never possibly have the ability to commit: murder, adultery, etc... You know, the "big" sins. But really sin is sin is sin. A lie is just as bad as murder and stealing is just as bad as sexual immorality. Billy Graham even said, "Everyone has a little Watergate in him."

I am so tired of hearing people, those who call themselves Christians, casting verbal stones at those who have fallen off the spiritual pedestals that we ourselves put them on and into the darkness of the abyss below, those who seem to have proven their humanity in what we think are the "worst" ways. I agree that we are to hate the sin and love the sinner, but how is judging them loving them? It isn't. Instead of casting stones what we should be doing is putting an arm around our fellow brother (or sister) and saying, "Jesus has not condemned you and you know what? Neither do I. Come with me and tell me how I can pray for you. Tell me how I can best love you where you are and love you past the pain of where you are and into the light again." If it were you, what would you prefer?

nightmares...

I have had some pretty scary dreams lately. I have had 3 dreams since the start of the semester in which I was possessed. The first one was the scariest and I had it once before - during Spring semester. In my dream I was staying the night at my dad's house back in Kansas. In the dream I was possessed and was being levitated off the bed and was hovering up near the ceiling looking down. There was lightning in the room and all kinds of loud noise. The next morning, in my dream, my dad asked if I was okay the night before. I guess I didn't remember because I said that I was. He told me that he heard me yelling, "I will worship your principalities and bow to you, the Prince of Darkness," and that kind of stuff. It must have been a Sunday in my dream because we went to church after that. The church in my dream was in a mall for some reason. And I was sitting in the front row. The pastor started talking about something and I started cackling and was levitated again and floated out into the mall and was swooping down and picking up children and dropping them over the 2nd floor railing and was laughing the whole time. Then I woke up. Like I said, I have had that one twice and woke up at the same time both times. There was another one, the one I had last night, in which I was killing children. I don't remember all the details but just that I was killing them.

I have prayed for God to protect my dreams and to protect my mind while I sleep and have had others pray the same thing for me while laying hands on me. I am really scared about all of this. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I am seriously scared. I can't even put it into words accurately, how scared I am. Please pray for me.

a butterfly emerging...

I was watching Lost the other day (because it's what I do lately) - a disc from the first season - and something in the show spoke to me. John Locke was explaining something to Charlie Pace in the show. Charlie was trying to detox from drugs and had given them to John to hold. John told Charlie that if he asked him for them 3 times that he would give them back to him, but only after the third time. I think it was after the second time Charlie asked him for the drugs when John imparted some words of wisdom to him. They were standing in the jungle and there was a coccoon. John pointed to it and pointed out the whole at the top of the coccoon. He explained that the moth inside was about to emerge and he was furiously working to find his way out of the cocoon. John continued that he could help the moth get free by ripping open the coccoon and set the insect free. The moth would fly for a while but it wouldn't be strong enough to make it. It would soon get weary and die. Charlie walks away without his drugs for the second time.

That illustration really resonated with me. Sometimes we wonder why we struggle so furiously and for so long on some things while our struggles with other things come and go quickly. We are a lot like moths - I like butterflies better because they're prettier (even though moths are supposedly stronger). We are stuck inside these coccoons that we have built for ourselves trying to work our way out of them. In much the same way as a marathon runner trains, our working our way out is also training. If a runner tried for a marathon too soon, they would be too weak to make it and would not be able to finish the race (that in itself is a spiritual analogy). If God simply ripped open the coccoon, or took us away from struggle before we were ready, we would not be ready to face the world. We would be faced with things that we would not be strong enough to take on. So as much as it pains him to see us wrestle and struggle and hurt, he knows it's for our own good. He knows we have to figure some things out on our own, and wrestle and fight through the mess of coccoon that's keeping us back from flying free. He knows that in time we will be a butterfly emerging and break through the barrier and we will fly. And we will be strong. And we will live.

my life lately...

Since my last post:

• My belt is one notch tighter. That's two whole notches since before school started.My dad celebrated 55 years this last Tuesday. Happy birthday Poppa! I love you soooo very much!
• I studied madly for a midterm only to discover that it was being postponed for two weeks.
• I am taking on a new role here at Alaska Christian College. Every weekday at noon someone shares their story or testimony with the group and then we pray for that person. I decided that on the days that no one is signed up I want to share the world's "story," or current events to keep everyone current on what's happening outside our somewhat sheltered community. And what better way for me to feel like I am actively doing something about this world for which I am burdened than to increase awareness and then to pray? I do my first one this Tuesday. Pray for me.
• I was able to share my heart with a couple people who aren't believers this last week. Both are people that had previously told me that they didn't want to hear about my faith or beliefs. And both later came and asked me questions about it.
• I bought a purity ring for a girl here on campus and gathered her closest friends around and actually planned a ceremony for her when I gave it to her. It was one of the coolest things I have ever done in my entire life. Afterwards, we all layed hands on her and prayed for her and for her future husband and family.
• A week ago yesterday, I let someone I had been out with several times kiss me for the first time. On the beach. Under a clear sky full of a trillion stars and a visible Milky Way.
• I told the same man last Tuesday that I couldn't see him anymore. If I wouldn't want my best friend to date him, why would I date him? And he had completely led me to believe that he was someone that he's not. I hate it when they do that. Better now than later when I would have been more emotionally invested.I have doubted my own judgment. I thought I knew him well enough to know his character and then was completely horrified to discover what was underneath the biblical wisdom, the theological and intellectual conversations, and him making me feel like the only girl in the world. He was not at all the person I thought he was, and what does that say about my judgment of character? Were there other signs that should have clued me in? What if my, for lack of a better word, "bullshit detector" (sorry Poppa) is permanently faulty? Will I be able to get my money back?
• On the flip side of that though I have also recognized the growth in my life in this area. Five years ago, being the lost girl that I was, I would have put up with it and justified his actions. To realize that I am not her anymore, and, more importantly, that I am me and who I am is a fantastic and liberating feeling.
• I laughed until I had a headache last night with Aune and Louisa at Veronica's. They are both so very good for my soul. It had been so long since I had laughed that much. And today... my sides hurt.
• I have watched the entire first season of Lost on dvd and have started the second season.
• I have missed, and still miss, my best friend Nida so much that it aches. I haven't seen her since Christmas or talked to her for a month and even that was strained. I miss the relationship that we had when we lived close to each other. She now lives in New Orleans.
• I talked to my sister Lisa and my niece Anevay on the phone the other day. It only made me miss home even more, especially when Anevay told me that she loves me and misses me.
• I took a friend to the airport. He's left for Iraq for 18 months. Pray for Cameron.
• I painted nails and watched and enjoyed a Strawberry Shortcake movie and then a Barbie movie with my little friend Megan on Thursday night. In a way this helped me rediscover the little girl in me. Not only the little girl, but the "girly-girl," the very feminine girl who is begging for the world to notice her and tell her that she's captivating.
• I walked down to the river yesterday with a friend from whom I had been feeling somewhat disconnected. We had real conversation and I discovered some things about her that I hadn't known before. It reinforced for me how much we all need prayer and to feel loved and like we belong.

I could go on and on but these are just a few morsels, only a taste, of my life recently. Most of them are wrapped up in who I am in Christ and speak about where I am on this great big journey.

refining and affirming...

One of the reasons I haven't been posting lately is because I have had a general feeling of unworthiness. Unworthy to be in Alaska doing what I am doing; unworthy at writing about Christian spirituality because, after all, I am no theologian; and unworthy to lead. I have been struggling a lot lately with what I am going to do after this year and it's still 7 months away yet. I want to continue my education and design my own major in Christian Leadership but I also feel called to do ministry whether it's here at Alaska Christian College or somewhere else in Alaska or somewhere else entirely. I feel as though God has gifted me with a burden for the oppressed. I want to advocate on behalf of the broken, to give a voice to the voiceless. I read about one.org or other similar social justice campaigns and it makes me want to quit everything I am doing and just go help them. I strongly feel that it's for a reason that I have such a burden. Not everyone would be willing, nor feel called, to go whereever that endeavor might take them.

On the flip side of this, I have also been struggling recently with my attitude. I don't feel as though my attitude always matches the burden of my heart. In other words, my pride largely gets in the way of the love that I am burdened to show to people. This realization has just absolutely gripped me over the last couple days and has brutally held me captive. I found myself absolutely wrecked last night because of this. There's a small group of us here on campus that do Bible study and prayer and accountability together and when we met last night I had them pray over me. And even as I said these words I hesitated because I know the importance of what I was saying: "Pray that God would break me. Pray that he would humble me and smash my pride." And the first evidence of that came rolling down my face in seemingly endless liquid form. Their prayers for me went up to heaven and they gave me words of encouragement, along the lines of It takes humility to realize this about yourself, let alone admit it and ask God to fix it. I wasn't completely convinced though I was slightly less hard on myself.

Last night I went to talk to one of my RAs, with whom I have had a fairly hard time getting along. Neither of us knows what it is about the other that sets us off but we have had a couple run-ins, nothing too major. And I always try to go back and talk with her once we've walked away and tried to gain some clarity on things. Anyhow, I went to her and told her what I had been feeling and asked her to help keep me accountable on having a humble spirit and being broken in general. She was floored that I even thought to ask her and when I explained to her that I never thought of anyone else she was even more shocked. I went to her because I knew she wouldn't be afraid to hurt my feelings and I think that, in a way, is what I need right now - not hurt feelings necessarily, but just someone that won't hesitate to hold that mirror up to me when I need it. I am closer to some of the other RAs and because of that I knew they would be more hesitant to approach me or hold the flame to me, or the mirror to me, whatever you want to call it (I have heard it called so many different things). I have asked one in particular to do this for me before and she hasn't quite fulfilled what I was looking for. And I knew that this RA still loved me but didn't have as much to risk, if that makes any sense.

So she said that she would be glad to help me in this. And I reiterated to her my feelings of unworthiness and how much I desired my attitude to more closely match the attitude of Jesus. And told me that when we've gone on service projects she has seen just the opposite in me - she has seen that I do mostly convey the love and spirit of Jesus to those we are serving at the time. And I can see some of that myself but I want that heart and that spirit all of the time - not just when I am serving. I have this bitterness that seems to have taken up residence in me. A lot of the times it hides away in its room somewhere but every once in a while it comes out. I hate that part of myself. It's ugly. It's cancerous. And this is the part of me that I want God to burn out of me with his Refiner's Fire. I can be so loving and so other-focused one day and then walk away and feel like a complete fake or phony because I remember how I reacted the day before to someone else. And I will feel like everything I just did for someone else is cancelled out or worthless. She prayed over me again for the fire to come and burn out all the ugliness and bitterness that still has hold of me. We both cried a little and then went to bed.

Today I went to serve at a high security prison here in town. There was a team of us that went to do a chapel service for the inmates. I remember as we approached the prison in the van, as everyone else was talking about how nervous and scared they were, I was completely calm. I wasn't scared or nervous. I knew what I was there to do and that was to convey God's perfect beautiful unconditional love for all of us. The chapel service went so smoothly. Afterwards we met with the chaplain in a conference room for a debriefing session. I sat across the table from him and the RA that I had talked to last night sat to my left. The chaplain looked across the table directly at me and said, "Christina, you're feeling unworthy to do what you've been called to do. You don't need to feel unworthy because you are worthy. You have a calling to serve and you're fulfilling a special purpose and God will use you. Don't ever forget that." I had never had a conversation with this man and here he was speaking directly to a struggle that I had been having. I looked at my RA and she looked at me and we both knew that it was God. I nearly cried. He had no idea that what he had just said meant so much to me. That was powerful affirmation to me. Even as I write this it's absolutely so amazing to me how God uses strangers to speak powerful truths into our lives when we least expect it. It was incredible. I had heard of God working like that in other peoples' lives but not really my own. So yet again, this Mysterious and Magnificent God is finding new ways to reveal himself to me, to speak to me, to love me, to blow me away. And tonight my heart is less proud and more humble, less hard and more broken, less stone and more flesh. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

I just ask that you all join me in prayer about this. I ask you all to be accountability partners with me on this. I urge you to ask me how I am doing on this. I want you to ask me. I need you to ask me. Not only for my sake but for the sake of the voiceless, the oppressed, the needy, the lost. You're all beautifully and intentionally created. And I love you.

feeling october...

I was on retreat this last weekend in Big Lake, AK. I wrote this Saturday night as I was sitting outside under a ceiling of bright blue, looking out across the perfectly still lake at a backdrop of gorgeous orange and yellow trees against mountains capped with snow. I was writing this and my friend walked by and told me how beautiful I was at that moment and I truly felt it's truth in that moment. It was glorious and it inspired this.

it's all around me now
autumn surrounds me.
the trees are tired and give up their leaves
and drop them into the past
knowing they wouldn't last.
they wouldn't survive what's coming.
so in moments, luminous and stunning
i watch them fall
in shades of red and orange, green and gold;
vibrant glimpses of seasons past
now in graceful heaps, colorful and bold.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i bring to you my own leaves,
leaves of red and orange, green and gold
boasting, "aren't they beautiful? aren't they bold?"
and with that, there comes a wind
and i am met with season's end.
i am left naked, humbled, and numb.
it serves as a reminder to me
that only from you all good things come.
and i hear someone tell me i'm still beautiful
and i feel its truth sink in.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i breathe you in and i breathe me out
as another part of me's exhaled.
and just like the seasons
i have not changed, but i am changing.
as a little more of me each day is paled
and a little more of the color of you begins to take its place.
i look within and see the many ways that i am blessed
and that only in you, my weary soul finds rest.
i feel the subtle shift as my ugly nakedness
is replaced with the hues of your exquisite grace.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

read my label...

I am sure you've all read the Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that I've had in my Profile section since the beginning of this blog: "Who am I? Whoever I am, you know me, O God; you know I am your's." The full meaning of this quote hit me today and it means even more to me now than it did before.

So today I was sitting here at the computer, filling out yet another one of those survey type things, and something hit me. None of this matters! It doesn't matter what I ate last, said last, who I hugged last. It doesn't matter how many friends I have on MySpace or how many people read this blog. It doesn't matter that I can't eat anything without dropping or dribbling something on my shirt (it's almost inevitable). It doesn't matter that I am caucasian. It doesn't matter even that I am a Christian or that I am female. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go to school. It doesn't matter what music I love or that I love to read and write. What does matter is that I am God's. All the other things are just labels that everyone else has just put on me. The only label I want is the one that God gave me. And it says, Warning: Property of God! All that other stuff is irrelevant.

hi...

Allow me to introduce myself in case some of you have forgotten who I am. I am CJ and yeah, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I have been busy living life and having it more abundant. I've survived the stomach flu and a sinus infection. I've gotten my hair chopped off. I have bangs now. I haven't had bangs for probably 15 years - at least. There's just a few side-swept bangs. It's cute. Thinking about going shorter though. I will post a current picture as soon as I can get one taken (will be soon). I've reconnected with old friends and made new ones. Said goodbye to a friend last week. He was here volunteering on campus and his time here was done. I've started my Public Relations job and I love it so far. And I love my boss. She's the coolest. I have been able to keep up with all of my homework while working 20 hours/week. I have read a lot. I have watched a couple movies. The girls and I had a slumber party here on campus. I have made plans to go out for sushi tomorrow night. I am housesitting again. I have journaled. I have returned to junior high and made a bunch of those collages using photos and cutouts from magazines. I could go on but this is good for now.

I have a post in the works that I hopefully will get up soon. Just wanted you all to know that I am actually alive. I've missed you guys.

light in a darkened world...

Today was a good day. It was long and exhausting and hard work, but ah... it was so good.

I worked at a soup kitchen today called Bean's Cafe in downtown Anchorage, Alaska. And I had such a good time. I got there at 9am and at breakfast and then just helped out where they needed me. I helped make lunch: soup, moose stroganoff, salad, bread, and dessert. We had the classic rock blaring as we worked. We sang. We danced. We goofed around. We had fun together. And as good as things are, more importantly, we served. We loved the poor and needy. We treated them like they should be treated everyday: as the intentional creations of God that they are.

It was so wonderful for me to just sit and eat and talk to some of them and hear their stories, where they've been, what they've experienced in life. It is true that I gave them something that to them is beyond valuable - my time, my ears, my love. But it is also true that they gave me something also - the reminder that we are God's plan to bring light into a darkened world, the reminder that they are the reason that the God of the universe became flesh and died on a cross so that they could live forever with him in Heaven one day, the reminder that all of God's people are beautiful, and the reminder that even though I might think it sometimes (and it sickens me to even think of admitting this) I am not better off than they are, nor am I better than them on any level. What they gave me is far greater in value than what I gave them.

Having served in soup kitchen's or homeless shelters a few years back, I had forgotten what it felt like to go and be a light where life's storms had clouded out the sun. It felt so good. It still does. I hope to join them again on Thanksgiving Day with some friends of mine.

Other things I did today included:

• learning that I can still, after several years of not trying, do a perfect one-handed cartwheel
• hanging out with some cool kids at Birchwood Community Christian School
• watching a sunrise that was painted with colors of a cowboy cliche while listening to John Mayer sing about sunrises painted in the colors of cowboy cliches in his song "3x5"
• Eskimo dancingcalling a friend just to say, "I love you."
• getting caught up on some much-needed blog-reading time
• soaking in the love of Christ through fully receiving the love of others
• feeling, and even leaning into, some of the pain of the surgery I mentioned in the blogpost immediately previous to this one
• loving all my blog friends from afar
  

pray for me as i undergo surgery...

So yeah, God is showing me things about myself again. I actually asked him tonight to do surgery on me, specifically in the area of how I relate to him. And yeah, that was kinda scary. I have had actual surgery once. Five years ago, on my knee. And that was incredibly painful. This surgery I am talking about now is spiritual surgery - on my heart. Open heart surgery if you will.

I haven't been relating to God in healthy ways. While my picture of him has healed significantly over the last year, he brought it to my attention tonight that there's more to do. And there's not just a simple quick-fix for the problem either. It's going to be painful. And it will require perseverance on my part, following the Doctor's orders explicitly, doing all the rehab necessary, etc... In a way I am kinda excited about it.

In other news, I started the Believing God study by Beth Moore today with my friend and mentor Debbie, the wife of the president of the college. We watched a 50-minute video for the first session and already I am blown away by the profundity of what I learned and what I have yet to learn. She was talking about the promised land and what that looks life for us today and on earth. My promised land, and your's too, is a place where my theology meets my reality. They aren't separate. But I so often live like they are separate, like I am just waiting or passing time until I get to the Promised Land. So another prayer of mine this year would be that my theology and my reality begin to coalesce.

I bought myself a blue bracelet today. And now you're thinking, "Why is that blog-worthy?" And now I will tell you why. In Numbers 15, the Israelites are instructed to wear tassels on their garments with blue cords attached to each tassel to remind them of God's commands and to obey them and they will be consecrated. And elsewhere in the Bible it says that it shall be written on the right hand: "I am the Lord." So Debbie and I are combining the two passages and wearing blue bracelets on our right hands to remind us that He is God, that He is the Lord. We talked about doing just blue cords since that's what they wore on their tassels; but I wanted something a little more wearable, a little more feminine.

And yet another prayer of mine this year is that God would transform my noun belief into a verb of believing. I want to be active in believing in God and not just have a belief in him. Does that make sense? Most of all I really pray that this study would have deep effects in my spiritual walk that would send earthquakes throughout every aspect of my life.

There was a whole gammut of emotions that I went through today. And currently, I am content and at peace. Full of hope that God's promises and his Word will become real to me this year in never-before-seen ways. Full of life. Full of love.

monkeys and bait...

Yesterday I went hiking with 4 friends. We were crammed into Madame Blueberry, the little blue Neon, enjoying the blue skies and mountains around us. We were laughing hard. Then Cheryl out of nowhere says, quite randomly, "Sometimes I feel like a monkey, because those are the times that I don't think at all." Even more raucous laughter ensued. Later, while we were hiking she said, "I feel like bait," because there had been bear sightings just prior to our arrival and she was berry picking. I love that girl so much! Without her, my life would be much more dull.

I promise to return to more regularly scheduled programming very soon. Life has been so full for me lately that I haven't had time to update regularly. I need to settle into my new schedule/routine.