one of the best experiences of my life...

Let me just say that God has blessed me with some deep friendships with men of very high integrity recently. Last weekend I had been a little disappointed by the behavior of a couple of my friends. I had just gotten done telling one of them how much I appreciated his authenticity and transparency in his life, that I loved how he relates to people and brings them out. He told me that it was the best compliment he'd ever received. And the next day came the fall. I won't go into details but only that it made me question my own character that I would hang out with people who would do such things. I felt like a fool for paying him that compliment; I felt as though I had been snowed.

And then last night the two of them showed up here after driving 3 hours to apologize to all the parties involved. They were very humble and asked for forgiveness. They were incredibly remorseful over how they behaved. (Let me just say that what they did wasn't terrible. They didn't hurt anyone but themselves really and only temporarily hurt a few of us here.) They had talked a lot together over the course of the week and prayed with each other about things that happened. They both decided they needed to come down and apologize to everyone. One of them, the main one involved, did most of the talking and part of what he said was how he wasn't where he should be spiritually.

I was able to say without reservation that I forgave them and that I love them both so very much. I told them I respected them immensely for facing up to it. And then I was hit with this thought and shared it with the group: We are all capable of doing what they did. We all sin. And when we do, if we handle it with as much humility as they did then we'd all be doing very well. And I looked at the one who said he wasn't where he should be and told him not to believe that lie and said that we are all exactlywhere we need to be. God us has all here, where we are in our spiritual journeys, for a very specific reason. And I said that I felt it was all to teach us a lesson about integrity and living in intentional relationships with each other. Then I looked at the other, to whom I had paid the compliment last weekend, and told him how over the week I wanted to take it back, but now I mean it even more than before.

It turned into an awesome confession time among some of my best friends. It was incredible. The presence of the Holy Spirit was palpable. We weren't just confessing our sins against each other but our sins in secret, the things we do when no one is looking. I had never experienced anything like it. This group of friends now means more to me than I could ever imagine; this is the very picture of intentional friendships and it's beautiful, to say the absolute least. I hope that everyone can experience this kind of love in their own relationships.

Now, a prayer request... The little brother of one of the two guys was flown by 'copter from his home village of Koyuk, AK to Anchorage with severe burns on his face and neck. He's listed in very serious condition. It is due to neglect. I have seen pictures and it's very traumatic. He will definitely have permanent scarring, even after reconstructive surgeries. The boy is named Willie and he is only six years old. Please pray for him.

all the things that really matter...

My birthday weekend was phenomenal. There were many times throughout the weekend that I thought Oh I need to remember this for my blog, whether it was something funny someone said or just a good memory to put down on "paper" to come back to later. But, now that I am actually sitting to write about them I can't remember all of them. I do remember getting the coffee mug from Sharon and the incredible cookies from JoAnne and the Burt's Bees Hand Repair Creme and Burt's Bees Night Creme from Cheryl.

But the very best things were the intangible gifts - the ones that couldn't be touched but the ones that were felt or experienced. Like Tom and Doug taking turns reading the 29th verse of every chapter in Proverbs that had a 29th verse and then reading all of Chapter 29 itself, along with Psalm 29. Like Blassi making me dinner - spaghetti with good homemade sauce. Like Tom taking me out for a couple birthday beers on Saturday night at around 11:30 and getting so lost in good authentic convo that we completely lost all track of time and didn't leave until around 2 or so. Like Tom and I meeting up with Blassi and his brother Larry, and Lisa and Doug at Blassi's place and seizing the opportunity to tell each of them how much I love them and how thankful I was that they helped me celebrate. Like going to the beach to play frisbee with 4 of your best friends and then heading to the bluffs to watch the sun "set." Like hanging out all night and not going to bed until 4:30am. Like hanging out at Buckets for almost 4 hours last night watching NBA Finals. Those were the things I remember and will remember years from now. Those were the gifts of the most worth for me. And they were all gifts of relationship and fellowship, people giving of themselves because that's all they had to give and because they knew that's all I wanted. Yeah, it was a good weekend.

I remember laughing A LOT and feeling loved. And that's really all that's important, right?

Oh and I remember this... Doug said the other day: "When I became a Christian God took all my sins and put 'em in a big burlap sack and tied 'em up and tossed 'em into the deepest, darkest ocean. And then he posted a sign der that says, 'ABSOLUTELY NO FISHING!'"

party like it's... 1977?

1977 was a year of tragic things...

The Oakland Raiders won the Superbowl (being a KC Chiefs fan, this is tragic)
The Yankees won the World Series (I am not a Royals fan but also am not a Yankees fan either)
Elvis Presley died in his bathroom in Graceland
Stephen King's The Shining was published (not a huge King fan either)

1977 was a year of great things...

Jimmy Carter became president
President Carter pardoned several thousand draft evaders
Anwar Sadat pursues peace by flying to Jerusalem
Star Wars was the top grossing film
ABBA passed up the Beatles in having the top number of records sold
You Light Up My Life by Debby Boone spent a lot of time at the top of the charts
Three's Company premiered on tv
Orlando Bloom was born along with Liv Tyler, Ludacris, Shakira, and Sarah Michelle Gellar... and ME!

I am 29 today. A year away from 30. YIKES! My sister Lisa turned 30 a couple days ago. I wonder how she feels. 25-26 were my best years, my favorite years of my life so far. It seems weird to say that I am 29. When I was little I always thought 29 sounded so old, you know? It was like, "Wow! You're 29! I can't believe you're that OLD!" Now I am 29 and I don't feel old but in some ways I do. I am young in my heart but man... my bones is creakin' fo shizzle. Know what I mean?

Tom and Doug and Blassi are all here from Anchorage for the weekend. So it's bound to be good times. Happy Birthday to me!

conversations: part two...

Last week when I said that part two would be up the next day, I really meant in a week.

Another conversation Lisa and I had on the way to and from Anchorage was about how so many of us so often play the comparison game. It's the one in which we let others beat us by comparing ourselves to them or thinking they're somehow better in us in some way. It's not really a very fun game so I don't know why we (or I) play it so much.

It occured to me, during our conversation, that when we compare ourselves to others like we do we are really denying our "made-in-the-image-of-Godness." He made us just the way he wanted us and gave us all traits and characteristics that reflect his own. When we wish we were more like someone else or when we beat ourselves up for how we look, aren't we really saying that God's design wasn't good enough?

Now, I am not saying that there aren't things in our lives that we need don't need to work on, 'cause, indeed, there are. I am talking about the things that are beyond our control - a big nose, small squinty eyes, full lips, why we're introverted when we long to be more extroverted, why some of us are more prone to being overweight while others can eat all they want and still stay ripped, etc... Those are the things I am talking about. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

We need to accept those parts of us that secular American culture rejects. Maybe we need to change our point of view on our "flaws" and start looking at them as beautiful. Maybe we're the lucky ones and everyone else got jipped. Sure, it's easier said than done but wouldn't it revolutionize our lives? I think if we challenge the way we think about and see ourselves our lives would drastically change. We'd become more confident, more alluring, more mysterious, more loving, more lovable, more forgiving of ourselves and others, more gracious, more relaxed, and perhaps most importantly, more "us" - the "us" that God created and desired us to be from the very beginning of time.

I bet if we changed our thinking to be always positive, we would soon find others comparing themselves to us saying, "Wow! She is radiant! She's happy and content with who she is. How can I get that?" And we can tell them, "I was intentionally created by God, the same one that hung the sun and moon and all the stars and named them, the same one that made the mountains and the oceans, the same one that made all the animals and plants. He made all those things and he made you and we are the only part of his creation to whom he gave his very own image. If you firmly and adamantly believe that about yourself and won't let anyone talk you into believing otherwise, you can have the same radiance and contentedness."

I challenge you to write on a post-it, or on your mirror with lipstick or dry erase pens, that you are magnificent, that you are alluring and mysterious, that you are beautiful (or handsome, whichever you prefer), that the stars pale in comparison to your radiance, and that you are excellently made. Write it, recite it, take it in. And soon, I bet, your life will be very different.

This was written more as a reminder of my conversation and more for my own benefit than for anyone else's. I have made a commitment to myself to take the challenge mentioned in the last paragraph. I have made a commitment to loving myself as I am.

just as i am...

Conversations: Part Two will be up tomorrow.

Today, I want to share my journal entry from yesterday with you.

all i hear is the gentle whoosh of the river, the whisper of the wind, and the
music that creation is supplying for me. all i see is the white of the
snow-capped mountains, the green-blue of the river, the green trees, and vast
expanses of bright blue sky. all i feel is the warmth of the sun on my face, the
caress of the breeze, my hair gently blowing, the smooth surface of this page,
and the fullness in my soul. i even feel a little more beautiful as i hear you
tell me how much more captivating i am than my surroundings. and yet... even
with all those things, with as happy as i am here, all i am thinking about right
now is how much i miss my friends back home and the comfort they provide when i
am hurting like i am right now.

it dawned on me last night, as we sat
with our bodies touching and he put his head on my shoulder, how much i care for
him. and it dawned on me, nearly simultaneously, that the feelings will never be
returned by him. i will never be good enough for him i thought as i looked at
him with the same longing look that he was bestowing on my stunning friend. who
am i anyway to have thought it possible that our friendship could lead to more?
look at the women he's been interested in all year. you're nothing like them.
even as i was saying these things to myself, something inside me was telling me
that's precisely the reason he should feel the same for me - i am nothing like
them. and as i heard the words, i so wanted to believe in them but history tells
me a different story. apparently, i am not what men seek.

i have a past
that's riddled with pain and at times, regret. i have been reckless with money.
i am not a perfect christian. a cuss word or two has been known to slip out,
usually saved for those occasions that really call for it, like the other day
when i missed the fish and attempted to filet my finger instead. i have a few
extra pounds to me and a few blemishes on my skin. i love beer and rock and
roll. i am passionate and outspoken, sometimes loud. i am shamelessly addicted
to blogging, blog-surfing, MySpace, and those little surveys that friends send
you via email. i sometimes struggle with feeling like everything i do is wrong.
i can be insecure at times. i can't really dance all that gracefully, unless
it's the two-step or a slow song. i sometimes watch rated-R movies, and not only
that, but i like them sometimes too.

yes, those things are true but i
also have been forgiven for my past by you and i can't even see you. i am
generous with my time, with my love, and with my heart. i am trusting in you to
always provide for me. i may not be a perfect christian but i wish to seek you
in all i do. i have a lot of love to give. i listen with my whole body. i am not
afraid to laugh out loud. i care intensely about the people in my life, those
with whom i have any type of relationship. i strive to live as transparently as
possible and appreciate the same quality in others. i love hiking and camping,
and just the outdoors in general. i love and appreciate all genres of music, and
music, as a whole, is a huge part of my life. i love animals, especially big
dogs, maybe a little too much; i am very sensitive for all of your wonderful
creatures. i love the country and only want to go into the city to visit. i gaze
up at the stars and wonder who is doing the same. i am in love with alaska. i
have special gifts that you've given me that i know will mesh perfectly with
someone else's.

somewhere deep inside me i know that if someone would
put forth a little effort in getting to know who i am, they might actually like
me. no... they might actually find themselves in love with me. i know i am worth
getting to know romantically and intimately. i know i am beautiful because you
created me and i am made in your image and you are beyond breathtaking. i know
these things are true. and still i sit and wait for something that seemingly
will never happen to me. i know i am complete only in you. and yet i ache to
share my life with someone. my life is rich and full here. i am living a dream
come true. but my heart still has it's vacancy sign lit up.

you know i
am 29 in a week and a half. and i am scared. you know that too. i am scared that
i won't be able to have kids. i am scared of not ever finding someone. i am
scared of watching everyone else get married and attending all the weddings
alone. of always being a bridesmaid. i am also scared of letting love in. the
one thing i want so much and i am afraid of it. but i know that you can take
away that fear. you can take away all the pain. you can comfort me and give me
peace that passes understanding. you give me joy. you can dry these tears and
calm my heart. i have prayed for these things before and they remain. i pray for
them again... and again... and again... until i no longer need to pray for them.
or until you bring someone into my life who will look past my few extra pounds,
my love for music of all kinds including my rock and roll, my being
irresponsible with money, and see the perfectly flawed creation that you
designed me to be. someone that will love me because i am me, exactly as i am
right now, someone with whom i can break myself open and show him all the ugly
parts and say this is me; be careful with me because i am fragile. and he will
look at all those pieces and absolutely love what he sees. someone that won't
not love me because i don't look a certain way or because i have made too many
mistakes or because i am too much.

you made one dream of mine come true
by bringing me to alaska. i pray for this other dream now. that you would bring
it to life or take it away.

it's not that i will never be enough for
him. the truth of it is, i am enough right now. just as i am. you taught me that
when you died for me before i ever was. but maybe he's not enough for me. maybe
you just have someone better for me. if so, where?

This journal entry is personal. It's very real and maybe more real than you wanted to read. But it's where I am right now. Broken and hurting. But also trusting in God.

conversations: part one...

Last weekend's nearly 6 hours in the car up to Anchorage and back provided ample opportunity for Lisa and I to indulge in some rich conversation.

One of the things I mentioned (and I know I have written about this before but for me it's worth repeating because it's just one of the ways God has blessed me) was how I still can't get over the fact that I get to live here. In Alaska. It's a state that is 2.5 times the size of Texas (if you divided Alaska in half, Texas would be the 3rd largest state) and is 1/5 the size of all the lower 48 combined, with over 365 million acres (1 million for every day of the year). Yet given it's vast size there are less than 1 million people in the entire state (only 640K). The state sport is dog mushing and the state land mammal is the moose. There are more than 3000 rivers, over 3 million lakes, over 100,000 glaciers, and 70 active volcanoes in Alaska. And of the 20 highest peaks in North America, 17 of them are here. I could go on and on about all that Alaska has to offer, but that could potentially take forever and I have too much daylight to burn right now.

I seriously sometimes still cannot believe that I get to live here. I drive down the street and God takes my breath away over and over again. Sometimes when I am listening to the radio I will hear someone say something about Soldotna and my mind will have forgotten that I live here and for a brief moment I will think in my mind, Hey! I've been to Soldotna!... And then I will remember that I live here and my heart fills with joy all over again like it was my first day here. That really happens to me now and never happened in Kansas (Amy, I know you love it there but I was just dying to get out).

The realization of this dream started a long time ago when I was a little girl. We would vacation in the mountains of Colorado nearly every summer and I always found refuge there. My heart was always happier there. The mountains are so much more impressive to me than the ocean. I was 14 or 15 before I ever saw the ocean (in Galveston, TX) and when I did it was like just another large body of water to me, another lake. I was unimpressed. Now I live where ocean is divided by mountains rising up out of the water like Triton did in Greek mythology. The sites are truly remarkable - there aren't adequate words to describe the beauty and splendor of this place.

When I brought this up, Lisa said that she feels the same way about Alaska. We are so lucky!

shameless plug for a friend...

My weekend in Anchorage was just an extension of what I talked about in my last post. More Sabbath. Rest for my soul. Renewal for my spirit. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. The month ahead is going to be very busy at work so it was nice to get a vacation before going into it head-on. My days were very full in many ways. They were full of life. Full of love. Full of God. It had been a while since I'd had that level of intense fellowship. I now hope it carries me through the next 3-4 weeks. Blassi will be down this week for a few days to visit and Tom comes down in a couple weeks. Those visits will certainly help get me through. Some conversations that I had are worth posting about. But a little more detail on the weekend at a later time...

For now, I am going to shamelessly plug my friend Jeff's book. It's entitled So I Go ~ Following After the Jesus of Our Day, and it's available at Amazon as of May 15th. It's priced at $17.50 for the time being and I am sure will be well worth the every penny. He writes like I wish I could write - in smooth, poignant prose that curls around the threshold of the imagination. It's luminous! But see for yourself - go and get the book!

good medicine...

I have had two really awesome days in a row. They were both Sabbath-ish for me even though I had to work some. (Huh... Isn't that cool that even though I had to work, it was still like a Sabbath for me?) I found renewal both last night and today. Last night I went to Veronica's with my friend Lisa. We sat on the sun porch and I sipped my decaf, skinny, caramel iced mochas and she her soda, listened to some awesome live jazz (every Friday night 3 guys play some great jazz), and had some good conversation. The highlight was when they did the Pink Panther song. We closed the place down and then went to one of the areas where there's bluffs and sat watching the sunset and had more good conversation. I mentioned how when I look at things in nature (a sunset, the ocean, mountains, a sunset over the ocean AND the mountains, moose, an eagle soaring, etc...) I often think of it as actually seeing God. Each one of those things reveals something about God's incredible character. The sunset at almost 11pm last night, although it doesn't really get dark here this time of year. It makes for very long, beautiful, full days. I love it!

Today, Lisa, myself, and our two friends (the Cheryls) went down to Homer. Being a holiday weekend and the kickoff for summer and the tourist season, it was very busy. But I still loved it. We drove out to the end of the spit and ate at Boardwalk Fish & Chips where I had the best clam chowder of my life and the best fried clam strips ever. We watched the tourists and talked to some of them. We petted the German Shepherd named Taslina and talked to her owners. We watched the eagles. We dipped our toes in the frigid water. We talked and laughed together. I mentioned, for probably the 26th time, how much I love Homer and Lisa said, "Yeah, it's like one giant coffeehouse. And not the corporate Starbucks kind either, but the real kind, the honest kind." It was great. And we headed to Homer High School where you can sit in the cafeteria (or on the deck off the cafeteria) and look out and see where ocean meets mountain and they both reveal more about God. Anyway, we went there for a concert. Broken Walls was playing there. It's Native Christian rock and soooo cool. Jonathan Maracle (pronounced miracle), a Mohawk Indian, heads the group of 3 guys total. They are a cultural music group who invite us to be reconciled to one another and to God, to rise up and worship our God. I had heard their cds and loved them but they were so much better in person. And his heart for God is amazing. He prayed over us at the end that we would be the warriors we were meant to be and that God would send down his power and authority on us and it was tangible. The Holy Spirit was I mean. It was unbelievable. We sang together, songs like "Jesus is Good Medicine," "Rise Up, Mighty Warrior," "River of Life," and "The Spirit of the Wind." At the close of the concert, Jonathan commented that he had wanted the place to be full. And in my head I thought, Oh but it is full. This place if full of the Holy Spirit. And it was.

On the way back to Soldotna, we watched the sun set over the mountains again, down behind the ocean and counted moose and eagles. We only saw about 7 moose but probably a couple dozen eagles. And I was reminded of this verse: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31, NIV)

And tomorrow... Lisa and I are heading to Anchorage until Monday to surprise our friends Tom and Doug that came down last weekend. And I am sure I will find even more renewal with them. God is so good...

blessings in the form of friends...

I apologize for the lack in posts recently. Spring has finally sprung here in Alaska and I am soaking it in. Today, it's actually hot out. Well... hot for Alaska, anyway.

Over the weekend, my friends Tom Mute and Doug Swanson came down from Anchorage for a couple days. We had a ton of fun staying up all night, playing Trivial Pursuit, going to Sal's at 3am, giving each other back rubs, eating together, and just hanging out. Sunday Tom and I grabbed some fruit smoothies and headed to the beach for a while and found a couple rocks to sit on and we just sat and talked, basking in God's beautiful creation. Tom is one of very few people here with whom I have been able to be relatively transparent. Maybe because he's transparent himself... I don't know. It doesn't matter. He's the older brother of a friend of mine, Ryan, who is a fellow ACCer. Doug is Tom's best friend. I met them both last fall on a mission trip in Koyuk and since then have really loved the times I have spent with them, what little they have been. But Tom's promised to visit a few times this summer and I am hoping to make a trip up to Anchorage next month for a weekend for my birthday, June 17th by the way, to see them and other friends that live in Anchorage.

Another couple friends will be coming down this coming Monday for 3 weeks for Native Language Institute that's held on campus. It will be so good to see both of them, Andrea and Ariana, the Solie sisters.

God continues to find new ways to stretch me and grow me. I have been dealing with a couple things in my life lately that I won't go into too much detail here but I just want to ask you to pray for me. If you want to know specifics in order to pray more efficiently then you can email me and I will give you the background.

Oh, I will be adding a "Daily Qoute" section to my blog's sidebar in the very near future. Keep your eyes pealed for that. I will try to update it at least every other day.

That's about all I got for now... I am working on a couple other pieces that I hope to have ready to post tomorrow along with a picture or two of the past weekend.

contentment...

A year ago I was a member of Corporate America Anonymous. I was getting paid VERY well to manage a premier consulting office in a trendy part of Kansas City. It was a cushy job. One in which I should have been quite comfortable. And I was. For a while. A while being about 2 months. And then it got boring. The challenge was gone and routine had settled in. I felt completely unfulfilled in my work. It was a job that a number of my friends would have enjoyed and jumped at the chance to do. In fact, when they heard I was leaving, 2 of my friends applied and interviewed for my position. Both got hired - one for mine and the other for another position. It was a job that my friends wanted and competed against others to get, a job that could take you places. And yet, I found it severely lacking. I wasn't developing the relationships that I wanted and was not using or stretching my God-given gifts to further the kingdom. So I left. I moved to Alaska to be a full-time Bible college student. I went from making $40K to making absolutely nil. But you know what? I am happy. I am truly happy. Content. Fulfilled. I currently do the cooking and cleaning here on campus, where I am living for the summer, and am happy doing it. Dad, if you're reading this, you will know how big a deal that is because, as you know, I have NEVER enjoyed cleaning anything. But now, things are very different. I sing and even dance as I scrub away. And that's something I thought would never be possible in my life.

a brief brief...

Babysitting went well last weekend. Thanks for your prayers. I actually had a blast but was completely exhausted by the time the parents came home. Friday afternoon was soccer and then that night I took them to a Cinco de Mayo party at the home of our IT director. We sat by the bonfire in the backyard by the lake, took a few swings at a pinata, ate some authentic Mexican food, and just had good fellowship. Saturday was soccer pretty much all day. Then that night I took them to the beach for a bonfire and we roasted hot dogs, ate s'mores, I introduced them to Wasabi potato chips and to my surprise they loved them. Sunday was Sunday School, church, homework, playing outside, Papa Murphy's pizza and movies. Monday they told me that I was the best babysitter they've ever had. They were eating the DQ ice cream I had just bought them when they said it so I guess I'll never know if it was the ice cream talking or if it was the truth. I saw them last night at an open house for one of ACC's staff member's birthdays. Their eyes lit up when they saw me and I was so touched. What an honor it is to have that effect on a child, let alone three! They all ran to me and gave me hugs. I loved it! Megan, who is 6 years old, invited me to her dance recital next week. I absolutely wouldn't miss it.

Will have more of an update shortly. I apologize for the brief nature of this post. I've got a date with 5 wonderful men who are waiting for me out in the parking lot. I just shared my testimony with them and now they feel like family.

need prayer...

I need prayer this weekend. Starting tonight I am babysitting 3 kids through Monday night, by myself. One of them is really cool and the girl I can handle pretty well. But the three of them together is going to be a handful to say the least. I suppose this will be great practice for when I have kids of my own, getting them ready for school, taking them to church, putting them to bed, etc... I am a little scared. Just pray for me. PLEASE!

Oh... And I think I broke my right big toe. I dropped a 15kg weight on it today. It's purty swollen. Black and blue. And red too. Yeah, it felt good.

and the award goes to...

So, Sunday was my graduation from the one-year program here at ACC. I got a Certificate of Biblical Studies. But that's not what this post is about. I also received a Certificate of Achievement from the school. It was the first time in the school's history that anyone has maintained a 4.0 all year. Yep! It's true, I was valedictorian. But this is the funny part, I went up on stage to receive my award and as I was walking off I tripped and face-planted right there on stage. In front of everyone. Lemme tell ya, it was a shining, graceful moment. One of which Amy would be proud.

I will post more later. But for now, I am exhausted. I worked from 9am to 8pm today. YAWN!

surprise, surprise...

8 am this morning my phone rings after only 4 hours of sleep. (5 of us girls snuck out last night and went to Sal's, an all-night diner here in town.) So the phone rings and I hit snooze on my alarm. It keeps ringing. I try to figure out what it is and where my phone is, etc... Finally, I answer. This is the conversation that took place.

Me: Mm, Hello.
Dad: Good morning sunshine.
Me: Good morning.
Dad: Did I wake you up?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Let's see, what time is it there? It's 11 here so it's what, 8am there?
Me: Yeah. And I just went to bed at 4am.
Dad: Oh, late night, eh?
Me: Yep.
Dad: What time do you have to be up and around today?
Me: Oh we have graduation rehearsal at 9am, then a BBQ at 11:30, then a baptism service at 2, and a banquet tonight at 5.
Dad: Wow! That sounds like a busy day. So how was your retreat?
Me: Oh it was a lot of fun but it went way too fast.
Dad: I bet. I bet it was kinda hard too since everyone's leaving and it was your last solid time together.
Me: Yeah, it was hard. But it was also very good.
Dad: So, if you have to be at rehearsal at 9am, do you have time for breakfast?
Me: Mmm, I don't know. I don't usually eat breakfast, especially... Wait... WHAT?
Dad: Do you have time to go out for breakfast with your Dad?
Me: WHAT?
Dad: Yeah, I am on campus in the guest duplex. I came in last night and spent the night here.
Me: Are you serious?
Dad: Yeah, I am serious. Do you want to go have breakfast?
Me: Dad, are you sure? Are you serious?
Dad: Yes I am serious. Be out front in 10 minutes.
Me (through tears): Are you being for real?
Dad: Just be out front in 10 minutes and find out.

I don't think I have ever gotten up that fast - especially after only just a few hours of sleep. But I went and he was there and it was the best surprise in the world. Yesterday my friend Stephanie said that she might come up this summer and that made my day. But this made my weekend, I think. I was so thankful! The past couple days I was walking around kinda sad 'cause it seemed like almost everyone elses' families were coming in and I wanted my dad to be here to see me graduate. I mentioned this a couple times to a few of the staff and they knew all along that he was coming. (They all know my dad because he was on staff here in 2002 so it made it very easy for him to do.) He planned it just this last Wednesday so it was all very fast. I couldn't believe it. So I had breakfast with my dad today and it was wonderful to see him. He will be here just until Monday morning but I am so thankful that he came. It really means a lot to me. It was the best graduation gift I could get. I love my daddy!

like a paparazzo shooting photos of the celebrity of God...

I've found it. My favorite place on earth, that is. An hour and a half drive south and west from here (about 90 miles) will take you to a little town called Homer, AK. It's a fishing village with a beautiful backdrop of mountains. The "spit" juts out into the inlet 4 miles. They've built up the "spit" with shops, restaurants, bars, tourist attractions, etc... so that in summer the place is overrun with people. But the rest of the year it's fairly calm and quiet. I participated in a run/walk to Homer. Over the course of 2 months we accumulated miles and tracked them. If we made the 90 miles it is between here and Homer then we qualified to go and eat pizza at Fat Olives (best pizza in the world, by the way). So we went this last Saturday. Here's just a small part of what I saw.

I got within just 3-5 feet of this bald eagle. He just sat there watching me as I snapped his picture like the paparazzo. Here's one of the best ones. This one really seems to accentuate his size; he was huge.


Here's another shot of him. This one is my absolute favorite. Probably one of my favorite shots I have ever taken. I love it. The shadows and light on the mountains in the background. The way his head is turned toward me. The boats and the water.


Here he is flying.


While we there a storm moved in and then out again. On its way out, I snapped this shot of the sun piercing through the storm clouds.


On the way back to Soldotna the sun was setting and it was glorious. This doesn't begin to capture the beauty of it in person. The mountain that you see in this picture is Mount Redoubt (pronounced reed-out), an active volcano across the inlet.


This is another shot of the sunset.


Beautiful memories. Snapshots in my mind for me to always remember. Maybe someday you all will come and visit me and you will be able to see the awesome beauty of this place for yourself. It's resplendent!

i am so awesome...

It's true. God said so. And he proved it when he made me.

I did a word study on the first 18 verses of Psalm 139, which, by the way, is probably my most favorite passage in the Bible (although there are some other ones that are pretty mind-blowing). Basically, I looked up the verse and then I took the key words (nouns, adjectives, verbs, etc...) and looked them up in an exhaustive concordance for the original Hebrew word. And then I looked at the original word's more correct transliteration. Finally I rewrote the passage using what I had found. So it's like my own version of The Message. How rad is that? So here's what I found... Hike up your socks 'cause this'll blow 'em off (at least it did me).

"O Creator God, with whom I have a covenant relationship, you have examined and investigated me, and you understand me intimately. You know me, where I dwell and what inhabits me. You know when I sit and when I rise. You consider with full attention my intentions from afar. You measure my way of living and see me when I lie down; you are familiar with all my collective thoughts, my moral character, and my course of life. Before a word is in my mouth, you know it completely, O Creator God. You encircle me; you go forever with me and follow close behind me. Even in ancient times, you were already with me. Your presence with me is eternal and everlasting. You are with me from the west to the east and from the east to the west. You have laid your power and strength upon me. Such understanding and wisdom is too incomprehensible, too extraordinary for me, too exalted for me to grasp. Where can I go from your breath, from your Spirit? Where can I escape the favor of your presence? If I go up to the place of the stars, sky, and air, you are there; if I were to go to the grave, you would be there. If I were to rise on the wings of daybreak you would be there. Even on the far sides of the sea, I am still within your reach. When I settle for other gods, you still have not left me. Your power continues to guide me and bring me back to you, away from the others that I have put before you, the one true God. Even when I put other things before you, you do not do the same with me. When I put other things ahead of you, you still keep me fastened to your right hand. If I say, “Surely, I can hide in my ignorance and my happy attitude will be dissolved into the pleasures of the night,” even the darkness will not be dark to you. Even my ignorance does not hide me from you. You will make my face shine and establish favorable circumstance with me and provide peace and relief from trouble. The night will be resplendent with your light, like the day, for darkness is as the morning light to you. For you brought forth my inmost heart, mind, and spirit; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I make a public confession of your excellence because I am so awesome, so marvelous. When you made me, it caused others to be astounded by my wonder. I know by experience that your works are wonderful; I understand that completely. My bones were not concealed from you when I was made from the dust of the earth behind the veil; your eyes saw my unformed body. I was embroidered, woven together, using colored thread. I am colorful, vibrant. My forever was crafted by you and was engraved in stone tablets before I was even conceived. Oh, how precious, how costly, to me are your thoughts, Mighty One! How numerous and powerful is the sum of them. If I were to proclaim them, they would outnumber the grains of sand and I would be proclaiming them into all eternity. When I go through summer, even as the seasons change and pass me by, I am still with you."

And to think, this is true of each and every one of us. So you're awesome too. *_*

call to the masses...

This is an urgent prayer request...

I have a friend that I have had since high school who means a great deal to me that is in a very painful state right now. He is contemplating suicide. He is not a believer. He grew up Mormon and is now in more of an agnostic belief than anything else. Knowing that he's sensitive to conversations about God, I have witnessed to him in very mild, non-confrontational ways. He knows I attend a Christian college and that I am studying the Bible, and that I am a Christian but I haven't really shared with him the depth of my experiences and transformation. I am hesitant to do so because of his past experiences and because of his sensitivity to that subject. My heart grieves and hurts for him. Here's an excerpt from an email that I received from him just today:

I would say things are peachy, but I'd be lying. I take forever to open up
to someone, but once I do I go all out. I exposed myself more to this girl
than I ever have anyone before. She knew me better than my own family.
When someone that close leaves you, saying they have found better, what does
that say about me? A knife wound would heal faster. I feel worthless.

Yeah, I put on a good appearance. A show. A facade. I'm not smart. I'm not
nice. I don't know how to treat people well. I can't see the screen cause
I'm breaking apart. :-( I appreaciate you being my friend. Thank you for
being you. Putting up with me. I hope she is happy. I hope he treats her well.

It's sad to know you were dragging someone down. What is the meaning of life? To suffer? To see how much crap you will take before you break? Well, I'm brittle. Weak and shallow. I know many have it 1000 times worse. I'm not trying to be Woe is Me. I'm looking for a way to escape all this pain. I'm sad.

He does not read this blog so I am not worried about that. And I will not share his name with you given the nature of his state. I just beg of you to please lift him up in your prayers. Incessantly. And lift me up as well that I might receive from the Holy Spirit the right words to say to him when he calls me tomorrow night as he's promised. Pray that I would be sensitive to his situation and not "turn him off" so to speak, to the Word of God. Thanks in advance for all your prayers for my friend.

love, death, life, power...

We sang this song Easter morning, over and over again. I had sung it before but this time I really paid attention to the words, I felt them. I sang them in my heart. By his love and grace I was found, in his death I was ransomed, in his resurrected life I was promised eternal life, and in his power I now and forever stand.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I standIn Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I liveThere in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of ChristNo guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

spiritual act of worship...

I love my church here in Kenai. I felt the presence of God fully this morning in worship on this Easter morning. They remain in the spirit, they live in the spirit, they speak in the spirit, they worship in the spirit. It's so refreshing.

As I had my hands raised in worship this morning and felt the Spirit bathing me in love a thought came over me. I want to live every moment as a disciple. The disciples' lifestyle was drastically different than other believers of Jesus' day. What would it look like to live that way? Loving, questioning, fervently seeking, always living in the presence of Jesus, traveling with him, working with him, fellowshipping with him. While I can't travel with him, incarnate, I can go to where he is working and work with him there. So, it is now an ambition of mine to live as a disciple in every moment.

I watched Mel's Passion of the Christ again on Friday night. After seeing it several times it still had a profound effect on me. I hope it always has a profound effect and I hope that it even intensifies. I was annoyed with those watching it with me. I was sitting in awe and wonder at Jesus my Savior, and they were laughing and talking throughout the movie. I wanted to grab them and shake them and say, "Don't you understand? Don't you get it? This is what really happened. Actually it isn't even half of what really happened but it still gives us a picture of his sacrifice for US! The least you could do is be reverent." But I didn't say anything. I sat there mourning with my hands up around my face so no one would see. I really tried to process everything that was happening, to imagine myself there in the crowd, to fully comprehend the magnitude of it all. But I couldn't fully comprehend it and I probably never will this side of Heaven. It's all so fantastical; it's hard to believe. But I put my faith in it and I believe in it with conviction. Someone died for me so that I might live forever. Me. Little, insignificant me had someone think enough of her to sacrifice his own life for mine. The least I could do is give my life back to him. Romans 12:1 says: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship."

I wrote this following my first viewing of the Passion of the Christ the night it opened in the theaters a couple years ago.

I remember you willingly hanging there
Bloodied and beaten and broken for me.
Perfect flesh torn just so I could be reborn;
Asking me to believe in it if I dare:
“Will you accept this gift?” came your plea.
And you handed down to me a robe and crown
And said “These things along with so much more could be your own
If when this life and world are through
You can honestly say that I lived in you.”
When I saw your life was near it’s end
I argued “No it cannot be – You are my Friend.
Your life for mine? Father…” I started to cry.
“My King, Love of my Life, Lord – who am I?”
So much time has passed since then
So many thing are happening.
There are still questions that I do not understand
And just like before you comfort me“
Trust me Sweet Child, it’s in the plan.”
So every morning I faithfully rise with the sun, and
Thus starts my constant prayer for you to come.
I empty myself daily that there may be more room for You.
I die to myself daily that I may live more fully in You.
Each day I am amazed that you thought enough of me
To offer down not only a robe and crown
But the gift of all eternity.
You thought enough of me to call me your Sweet Child
And with your own perfect life
It was mine you reconciled.

pictures worth a thousand words...

A few of the dogs that I took mushing last Saturday in Unalakleet, AK (up by Nome)...



'Nessa and I getting ready to go out and Adam just standing around...


We had just returned from mushing...



Marie, Rachel, Rachel, 'Nessa, Salena, Abe, Adam, Doug at our western-themed dinner last Saturday night at the Covenant Church in Unalakleet, AK...



Jamie Jafar Sighafi or "Sir Goof-offie", a drummer, and Aaron Espe who led worship for us last weekend (and who is amazing by the way) and then followed us home to Soldotna to do an intimate concert for us on campus this last Monday the 9th...



Aune the assistant director for CYAK, Aaron Espe, Doug Swanson CYAK staff, and Erik Young who just completed his internship as youth pastor in Unalakleet and is on his way to North Park in Chicago to finish up his schooling before graduation. This photo was taken as they were all leaving ACC's campus yesterday after spending a few days with us. I miss them all already...



Blassi, this year's class president, strumming away on the guitar...



Blassi and me...



me, Blassi, Jimmy and Sylvia T...



With just two weeks left of school before graduation, I am filled with sadness. The few people in these pictures have become part of my story. Blassi has been an excellent fellow leader on campus and, as another older student on campus, has also been a good friend. He leaves after graduation for boot camp in Texas for the Air National Guard. Pray for him as he has never experienced that kind of heat and humidity before and he'll be in Texas and Kansas for 5 months in the middle of summer. He leaves next February probably for his first tour in Iraq. I will miss him dearly.