a little o' this & a little o' that...

I am still waiting to hear about London. I was supposed to have heard this last Tuesday. So I emailed on Wednesday. She emailed back telling me not to worry, that they haven't gone through applications yet. And she said that I should know by this next week. So I am still waiting. Believe me, I will let everyone know just as soon as I know something.

Classes are well underway and I am loving most of them. I could actually do without my Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling II class. But the others: Psychology of Women, Peace Studies, and Expressions of Faith are really, really good. I am thoroughly enjoying them so far.

Today, I have felt a little agitated. I don't really know what it is. It's like, I really want to be alone right now and I can't go anywhere to get away from people. It's so exhausting. I just want to be by myself for a couple days. To think about things. To just chill. To just do whatever. It would help if I had a car. It comes out in how I talk to people too. And I really don't like that. I just want to tell them to leave me alone for a while. But it's different here. I could tell someone that and they would take it wrong. Like I said, it's so exhausting.

I saw Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth last night at a community dialogue thing. It was fascinating, depressing, and scary all at the same time. We watched it and then discussed in small groups for a while afterwards. When I am done here, I think I would like to live in an area where I don't need a car, so preferably somewhere where there's a mass transit system. I had no idea that the U.S. was the cause of the majority of the global warming crisis that's taking place. I walked there and it was interesting afterwards to see everyone else getting into their big expensive SUVs to drive home. I wanted to scream at them. But instead I just laughed at the irony of it all.

I have been thinking lately. I know, I know. Scary, right? Seriously though, when I was at the airport in Kansas City a few weeks ago, waiting to catch a flight to Salt Lake to to catch another one to Anchorage, I saw a little boy there. He couldn't have been more than 3 probably. But he was running in that way that toddlers do: cute and toddly. He ran right up to a woman sitting on the floor, a stranger, and looked at her and put his hand on her face. She smiled of course and made funny faces at him. He laughed and then held up his arms, just beckoning her to pick him up. I imagine she refused because she didn't know where his parents were and if they were watching, she didn't want to freak them out. So then he turned toward the woman's husband who was standing right next to her. And again, he held up his little toddler arms. And then his dad came running after him snatching him. The image hasn't left my mind since really. He was so trusting with complete strangers. He was just a boy standing in front of a couple asking them to love him. And he was refused. It tore my heart in two really. He's so young and he's already been refused the love that he so desperately wanted. Rejected, in a sense. Now I realize the couple's reaction, knowing his parents must be close by and not wanting to freak them out. But it was still painful to watch the little boy's mouth turn down a little. He was offering himself to them and was refused.

There are so many things that I have been thinking about because of this but the most persistent is this: When did I stop trusting people like that? He wasn't afraid to ask for what he wanted. He just put himself out there, so vulnerable and sweet and innocent. I don't really offer myself to people without them doing the same for me. I can be vulnerable but usually not before some vulnerability on the other's part generally. I wonder how many more friends I might have if I did this. But then conversely, I also wonder how many times the scene would have been the same. Me holding my arms out for someone or asking for something that I want only to be refused. Just some things I have been thinking about lately. And I have been praying that the little boy experiences little rejection in his life and that he will always be trusting and brave enough to ask for what he wants.

And because I now live in Seahawk country and I am rooting for neither the Colts nor the Bears, I am watching the Superbowl tomorrow strictly for the commercials. I couldn't care less who wins. But I hope your team wins, whoever it is.

Soon I am going to post some of the information on human trafficking that I have collected in my research. I know at least a couple of you requested that. It's coming soon.

Shalom.