just as i am...

Conversations: Part Two will be up tomorrow.

Today, I want to share my journal entry from yesterday with you.

all i hear is the gentle whoosh of the river, the whisper of the wind, and the
music that creation is supplying for me. all i see is the white of the
snow-capped mountains, the green-blue of the river, the green trees, and vast
expanses of bright blue sky. all i feel is the warmth of the sun on my face, the
caress of the breeze, my hair gently blowing, the smooth surface of this page,
and the fullness in my soul. i even feel a little more beautiful as i hear you
tell me how much more captivating i am than my surroundings. and yet... even
with all those things, with as happy as i am here, all i am thinking about right
now is how much i miss my friends back home and the comfort they provide when i
am hurting like i am right now.

it dawned on me last night, as we sat
with our bodies touching and he put his head on my shoulder, how much i care for
him. and it dawned on me, nearly simultaneously, that the feelings will never be
returned by him. i will never be good enough for him i thought as i looked at
him with the same longing look that he was bestowing on my stunning friend. who
am i anyway to have thought it possible that our friendship could lead to more?
look at the women he's been interested in all year. you're nothing like them.
even as i was saying these things to myself, something inside me was telling me
that's precisely the reason he should feel the same for me - i am nothing like
them. and as i heard the words, i so wanted to believe in them but history tells
me a different story. apparently, i am not what men seek.

i have a past
that's riddled with pain and at times, regret. i have been reckless with money.
i am not a perfect christian. a cuss word or two has been known to slip out,
usually saved for those occasions that really call for it, like the other day
when i missed the fish and attempted to filet my finger instead. i have a few
extra pounds to me and a few blemishes on my skin. i love beer and rock and
roll. i am passionate and outspoken, sometimes loud. i am shamelessly addicted
to blogging, blog-surfing, MySpace, and those little surveys that friends send
you via email. i sometimes struggle with feeling like everything i do is wrong.
i can be insecure at times. i can't really dance all that gracefully, unless
it's the two-step or a slow song. i sometimes watch rated-R movies, and not only
that, but i like them sometimes too.

yes, those things are true but i
also have been forgiven for my past by you and i can't even see you. i am
generous with my time, with my love, and with my heart. i am trusting in you to
always provide for me. i may not be a perfect christian but i wish to seek you
in all i do. i have a lot of love to give. i listen with my whole body. i am not
afraid to laugh out loud. i care intensely about the people in my life, those
with whom i have any type of relationship. i strive to live as transparently as
possible and appreciate the same quality in others. i love hiking and camping,
and just the outdoors in general. i love and appreciate all genres of music, and
music, as a whole, is a huge part of my life. i love animals, especially big
dogs, maybe a little too much; i am very sensitive for all of your wonderful
creatures. i love the country and only want to go into the city to visit. i gaze
up at the stars and wonder who is doing the same. i am in love with alaska. i
have special gifts that you've given me that i know will mesh perfectly with
someone else's.

somewhere deep inside me i know that if someone would
put forth a little effort in getting to know who i am, they might actually like
me. no... they might actually find themselves in love with me. i know i am worth
getting to know romantically and intimately. i know i am beautiful because you
created me and i am made in your image and you are beyond breathtaking. i know
these things are true. and still i sit and wait for something that seemingly
will never happen to me. i know i am complete only in you. and yet i ache to
share my life with someone. my life is rich and full here. i am living a dream
come true. but my heart still has it's vacancy sign lit up.

you know i
am 29 in a week and a half. and i am scared. you know that too. i am scared that
i won't be able to have kids. i am scared of not ever finding someone. i am
scared of watching everyone else get married and attending all the weddings
alone. of always being a bridesmaid. i am also scared of letting love in. the
one thing i want so much and i am afraid of it. but i know that you can take
away that fear. you can take away all the pain. you can comfort me and give me
peace that passes understanding. you give me joy. you can dry these tears and
calm my heart. i have prayed for these things before and they remain. i pray for
them again... and again... and again... until i no longer need to pray for them.
or until you bring someone into my life who will look past my few extra pounds,
my love for music of all kinds including my rock and roll, my being
irresponsible with money, and see the perfectly flawed creation that you
designed me to be. someone that will love me because i am me, exactly as i am
right now, someone with whom i can break myself open and show him all the ugly
parts and say this is me; be careful with me because i am fragile. and he will
look at all those pieces and absolutely love what he sees. someone that won't
not love me because i don't look a certain way or because i have made too many
mistakes or because i am too much.

you made one dream of mine come true
by bringing me to alaska. i pray for this other dream now. that you would bring
it to life or take it away.

it's not that i will never be enough for
him. the truth of it is, i am enough right now. just as i am. you taught me that
when you died for me before i ever was. but maybe he's not enough for me. maybe
you just have someone better for me. if so, where?

This journal entry is personal. It's very real and maybe more real than you wanted to read. But it's where I am right now. Broken and hurting. But also trusting in God.