jagged edges...
Sunday I posted lyrics to the song River God by Nichole Nordeman along with a promise to post about why that song speaks to me where I am right now. This is an attempt to do just that, but be warned: this has the potential of being pretty long. This is more for my own benefit than for anyone else's.
Through other peoples' postings on their own blogs, through conversations, through songs, through things I've experienced personally lately, I have come to realize that I am broken. Perhaps more broken than I thought I was even. I don't really even know where to start explaining this. I've just been learning so much since I have been here at school and experienced so much in my life and in my heart. God has become more real to me these last several months than ever before in the 28 years, almost 29 now, that I have been alive. I am so thankful for that fact. Yet I am learning that there are still several little fragile pieces of me that are lying on a dirty kitchen floor where I dropped an old china cup when I was 8 or 9. The cup has long since been swept up and thrown away and has no value today. But pieces of me are still there. My own sense of value and self-worth comes from circumstances surrounding that act of clumsiness that happened 20 years ago now. I am still suffering repercussions from it. I am beginning to see and feel all the broken little pieces of me being put back together. I am becoming whole again, the whole person God created me to be from the beginning. I feel God as he tenderly takes each fragile piece in his big, yet small enough, hands, and examines them. He gently applies the glue of the blood of Jesus, God's only Son, that was shed because God valued me enough to send his his Son to die on a cross for me. He presses every piece into place where he determined them to go long ago. And then he applies pressure with the Word of God to create a firm, solid hold. I have felt this, yes. But it has been a slow process and one that still continues to this day.
My whole life I was told what to do by whether or not I received approval. And if I didn't get approval I wouldn't do it any longer or I would change my path. Almost all my decisions were based on what others thought of me. Essentially I let others make my decisions for me and let my own opinions, dreams, desires and decision-making abilities fall by the wayside in the process. The subject of life after this year at ACC has come several times. I have so many options in front of me right now and it kind of terrifies me. I don't have anyone looking over my shoulder saying, "Oh, choose this way," or "Ooh, no, not that direction." I have this fear of not choosing the right direction and then getting into something only to discover after a while that I am not interested in it at all and then subsequently feeling stuck. I went to a Christian career counselor the other day hoping he would give me some answers and point me in the right direction. All I came away with was more opportunities and possibilities to frustrate me and confuse me further. An internship possibility that I thought had fallen through is now back in the picture just a few months later. Do I want to do that though and take another year away from school? Or do I want to continue in my education now that I am here? Do I want to work? If I do continue on in school, do I want to go into Christian counseling or ministry? English and creative writing or something else entirely? Do I want to be a guide for something like Adventurous Christians? Or should I do something with YWAM? Where do I continue my education? Here in Alaska at Kenai Peninsula College (branch of UAA) or at UAA or UAF? Or do I go to Seattle Pacific University or somewhere else? There are so many doors open to me right now and it's kinda scary. At this point I have the most peace with staying here and going continuing my education. I just want to be positive that it's the right choice for me right now.
Also, why do I have this need or compulsion towards perfection? A couple weeks ago I posted about how I was torn up because I turned in one assignment a day late and will now be docked a letter grade on the assignment because of it. I posted about needing to just give myself permission to fail and that it's okay if I do fail. It won't be the end of the world. I need to just do the best that I can do and be okay with it. I have, I am happy to say, let this concept sink in some. I got a D on a quiz in Communications class. It was on comma usage. I haven't studied comma usage since the 7th grade and that was longer ago than every one of my peers. When it comes to writing papers, I know when to use a comma and when not to, no problem. But for some reason I couldn't quite remember all the rules and such surrounding that subject. And there were only 16 questions on the quiz so if you miss 3, you're getting a low B. I let it slide. Then my prof told me that it was a very small percentage of my final grade anyway. That really allowed me to not stress about it. It was quite freeing. And then I learned that the rules have changed since I studied commas in junior high. That made it even better.
I am learning. Gradually. And the jagged edges are getting just a litte smoother.
I will break this up into "chapters," so to speak. Look for Chapter 2 tomorrow.
3 comments:
i dont even know where to start...ok first off: it is so comforting to find so much of myself and what i am going thru right now in someone else, seccond: as far as decision making goes go with your gut but pray about it first (and one thing i have learned be specific! for example dont just pray for a solution to come about pray for the solution to come about in a way that you would easily take notice...its amazing but it works!) also as far as perfectionism and learning how to get thru life accepting the fact that you are broken and that its ok to be broken...life isnt a race, we all go at our own pace and it doesnt all have to happen right NOW...if you are meant to do all of those things they will eventually all happen. not that any of that makes any of your decisions or going thru life easier but maybe it will help? i dunno ive been slowly learning that i cant be so hard on myself that i have my own pace different from everyone elses and i can only be me...no one else and i have to find a solution or path of my own and sometimes that means creating your own path. this rollercoaster we are on is just mind blowing at times, there are times we feel out of control but im starting to get that those are the times that push me to grow so much faster and get me so much closer to god...its incredible! sorry this is now a novel, hang in there take your time with decisions and if need be put it away for a while and concentrate on something else, when the time is right and the whatever is right you'll know (oh yeah and trust yourself and god). :) peace be with you!
First, I get the impression that the piece of china was valuable, but those who reacted to its destruction elevated the value of the china way above the value of you. I am so sorry that happened. Sometimes others just don't realize the extent to which reactions can wound. I am glad God is putting the pieces of you together again.
Secondly, I am right there with you with the strive-to-be-perfect thing. My dad was the perfectionist of all perfectionists and had OCD on top of it. Nothing I did was ever good enough, but I kept trying. The biggest thing in my Christian walk that tends to hinder me is the feeling that my Father God is the same way, so when I mess up I feel like He probably won't love me anymore. I have had to learn to fail with grace. Be all you can be. Try your best at everything, but know that when your best falls short, there's a loving Father who still smiles at you with love.
This is my first time to your blog. What you wrote resonated in my heart and I am 50 years old. We hear the old tapes of our parents and families. Most families have some dysfunction in them. Mine had a lot. We suffer in our adulthood because of this. I needed therapy. This is not to blame our parents. I believe that most parents try to do better than their own parents did. My grandfather was a mechanic and never worked much. My dad rarely took a day off of work. My dad was poor. We had clothes and food on the table. My husbands grandfather never owned a house cheated on his wife. My husbands dad owned a home, was faithful to his wife.
Each generation tries a little harder. So try to get to those tapes playing in your head and let Jesus heal them. If so inclined, therapy might help.
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