from concentrate...

First, let me start by saying that I love you all dearly. Your encouragement to me in your comments has been nothing short of the sweetest blessing, especially this week. I have been sick since Friday night, first with stomach flu and now with a sinus infection and itchy, watery eyes. You'd think it was allergy season. At times I haven't felt much like writing this week, but alas, I have persevered and knowing that you all are on the other end reading, encouraging, and possibly even praying for me has meant a lot to me. Thank you all and please, don't stop. ;-)

And now for Chapter 3...

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

Chorus:


They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child


Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you


[Chorus]


Little girl:
"I've got joy like a fountain!"
"Be kind UNTO others"
"In Jesus Christ Your son"


They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child
~Like a Child, Jars of Clay~

This idea of "faith like a child" boggles my mind. It frustrates me to no end and makes me envious. I wish I had this particular brand of faith. I have been witness to others my age, or sometimes older, who dedicate their lives to Christ after hearing the Gospel for the first time, and are completely freed overnight of the bondage that a life of sin can hold on a person. Their whole lives are different from that point on after living a life full of worldly pleasures in every sense. I think to myself Why does it come so easily for them, who have only just heard and believed, than for myself, who has heard of such things since childhood and still beg for him to relieve me of my unbelief almost daily? I don't understand it. How does one make that kind of transformation? How does one "party" and live the lifestyle I have seen some live and then hear the good news and just put all their faith in it? I know the gospel has self-evidencing power and everything. It's just really hard for me for some reason. I want to have that kind of faith, it's a desperate cry of my heart to just have complete faith, without question and without doubt. To view my world with the clarity of faith, instead of through the doubt-tinted lenses to which my eyes have grown so accustomed, over the years.

I want to look at things and hear things God tells me, whether himself or through someone else, and not question. I want to take things at face value the way a child does. You tell a 5 year old, "Jesus loves you and died especially for you 2000 years ago so that you could one day go to heaven and live happily ever after with him and God, his Father," and the child will smile, skip happily away, and say, "Wow. That's neat!" or, "I know. Isn't it so cool?" And they won't even question it. They just believe it. Period. Or you can tell a child that the sky is blue because God painted it that way and they'll believe you and tell their friends. A father could tell a little girl that he went to the moon and show her a picture of himself landing there and not tell her until much later that it was really Neil Armstrong, and she will believe him. He will give her the picture and she will take it and show her friends bragging about how her daddy went to the moon and that she bets no one else's dad has ever been there. And even when they laugh at her she will remain loyal to her father, trying desperately to convince them that it is true. And she will think to herself, Why won't they believe me? Why does she believe him? Because he's her father and she loves him and adores him and frankly, why shouldn't she? She won't question him. She won't notice the slight smirk on her father's face or the faint hint of mischief in his blue eyes. She will just take him at his word and feel so proud of him, that he, her daddy, had been to that great big silver Christmas ornament in the sky and had walked on it. She will have no doubt in her mind that what he told her was the truth and nothing but.

Did Shadrach, Meshack, and Abendego really know that they would be safe in the furnace? Did they have the pure faith of a child? Or were they fearful that they would be burned alive? How did Mary just believe and trust completely that she, a virgin, would bear a child conceived of the Holy Spirit? How could one believe that? Would I have believed it if an angel appeared, when I was 12, telling me that I was going to bear the Son of God? How did Joseph trust that he could still marry her? I see miracles everyday: my friend who wasn't supposed to be able to have children has had her third, all without medical intervention; a phone call from a friend at just the right time; a check given to me for the exact amount I need at the exact time I need it; how my life has been spared countless times when I made such incredibly foolish choices; that I was so afraid of not being able to make it financially, and here I am, still in school; the wonderful splendor of this state that has become a home away from home to me; and so many others I could list, and still I sometimes fail to really take them for the miracles that they are. Oh, that I would have the eyes to see and the faith to believe...

How I desperately want to live in that depth of faith everyday. To have faith "from concentrate" so to speak, and none of that yucky "watered-down" variety. No additives. No fillers. Just pure, 100% faith, made from concentrate. When exactly did I "grow out of" that kind of pure faith? What happened? What was it that caused it? Was it just the "worldliness" that encumbered me and kept me from remaining there? Was it my own sinful nature? I feel like I am not even capable of putting my feeling about this into words and that's even more frustrating for me. I want to not look for the hidden message in things and not automatically assume that there's something hidden somewhere that someone's not telling me. I always think there must be a "catch" somewhere, instead of just trusting in it fully.

Now, I realize that it's healthy to look beyond the face value of some things. It causes one to grow up into maturity, always wanting to know more about those mysteries of God that we'll never really fully understand. But there are some things that are meant to be accepted and believed as they are; they don't need to be explored beyond what is plain to the eye or ear. Some things have a hidden meaning or a "catch" lurking far beneath the surface or in the fine print somewhere. My thought is though, that some things, the really really special things, don't.

What must I do to get there again? I know I had that kind of faith at one time. I know because I was the little girl whose daddy walked on the moon and showed all her friends in Sunday School the picture he gave her to prove it.