feeling october...

I was on retreat this last weekend in Big Lake, AK. I wrote this Saturday night as I was sitting outside under a ceiling of bright blue, looking out across the perfectly still lake at a backdrop of gorgeous orange and yellow trees against mountains capped with snow. I was writing this and my friend walked by and told me how beautiful I was at that moment and I truly felt it's truth in that moment. It was glorious and it inspired this.

it's all around me now
autumn surrounds me.
the trees are tired and give up their leaves
and drop them into the past
knowing they wouldn't last.
they wouldn't survive what's coming.
so in moments, luminous and stunning
i watch them fall
in shades of red and orange, green and gold;
vibrant glimpses of seasons past
now in graceful heaps, colorful and bold.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i bring to you my own leaves,
leaves of red and orange, green and gold
boasting, "aren't they beautiful? aren't they bold?"
and with that, there comes a wind
and i am met with season's end.
i am left naked, humbled, and numb.
it serves as a reminder to me
that only from you all good things come.
and i hear someone tell me i'm still beautiful
and i feel its truth sink in.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i breathe you in and i breathe me out
as another part of me's exhaled.
and just like the seasons
i have not changed, but i am changing.
as a little more of me each day is paled
and a little more of the color of you begins to take its place.
i look within and see the many ways that i am blessed
and that only in you, my weary soul finds rest.
i feel the subtle shift as my ugly nakedness
is replaced with the hues of your exquisite grace.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

read my label...

I am sure you've all read the Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that I've had in my Profile section since the beginning of this blog: "Who am I? Whoever I am, you know me, O God; you know I am your's." The full meaning of this quote hit me today and it means even more to me now than it did before.

So today I was sitting here at the computer, filling out yet another one of those survey type things, and something hit me. None of this matters! It doesn't matter what I ate last, said last, who I hugged last. It doesn't matter how many friends I have on MySpace or how many people read this blog. It doesn't matter that I can't eat anything without dropping or dribbling something on my shirt (it's almost inevitable). It doesn't matter that I am caucasian. It doesn't matter even that I am a Christian or that I am female. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go to school. It doesn't matter what music I love or that I love to read and write. What does matter is that I am God's. All the other things are just labels that everyone else has just put on me. The only label I want is the one that God gave me. And it says, Warning: Property of God! All that other stuff is irrelevant.

hi...

Allow me to introduce myself in case some of you have forgotten who I am. I am CJ and yeah, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I have been busy living life and having it more abundant. I've survived the stomach flu and a sinus infection. I've gotten my hair chopped off. I have bangs now. I haven't had bangs for probably 15 years - at least. There's just a few side-swept bangs. It's cute. Thinking about going shorter though. I will post a current picture as soon as I can get one taken (will be soon). I've reconnected with old friends and made new ones. Said goodbye to a friend last week. He was here volunteering on campus and his time here was done. I've started my Public Relations job and I love it so far. And I love my boss. She's the coolest. I have been able to keep up with all of my homework while working 20 hours/week. I have read a lot. I have watched a couple movies. The girls and I had a slumber party here on campus. I have made plans to go out for sushi tomorrow night. I am housesitting again. I have journaled. I have returned to junior high and made a bunch of those collages using photos and cutouts from magazines. I could go on but this is good for now.

I have a post in the works that I hopefully will get up soon. Just wanted you all to know that I am actually alive. I've missed you guys.

light in a darkened world...

Today was a good day. It was long and exhausting and hard work, but ah... it was so good.

I worked at a soup kitchen today called Bean's Cafe in downtown Anchorage, Alaska. And I had such a good time. I got there at 9am and at breakfast and then just helped out where they needed me. I helped make lunch: soup, moose stroganoff, salad, bread, and dessert. We had the classic rock blaring as we worked. We sang. We danced. We goofed around. We had fun together. And as good as things are, more importantly, we served. We loved the poor and needy. We treated them like they should be treated everyday: as the intentional creations of God that they are.

It was so wonderful for me to just sit and eat and talk to some of them and hear their stories, where they've been, what they've experienced in life. It is true that I gave them something that to them is beyond valuable - my time, my ears, my love. But it is also true that they gave me something also - the reminder that we are God's plan to bring light into a darkened world, the reminder that they are the reason that the God of the universe became flesh and died on a cross so that they could live forever with him in Heaven one day, the reminder that all of God's people are beautiful, and the reminder that even though I might think it sometimes (and it sickens me to even think of admitting this) I am not better off than they are, nor am I better than them on any level. What they gave me is far greater in value than what I gave them.

Having served in soup kitchen's or homeless shelters a few years back, I had forgotten what it felt like to go and be a light where life's storms had clouded out the sun. It felt so good. It still does. I hope to join them again on Thanksgiving Day with some friends of mine.

Other things I did today included:

• learning that I can still, after several years of not trying, do a perfect one-handed cartwheel
• hanging out with some cool kids at Birchwood Community Christian School
• watching a sunrise that was painted with colors of a cowboy cliche while listening to John Mayer sing about sunrises painted in the colors of cowboy cliches in his song "3x5"
• Eskimo dancingcalling a friend just to say, "I love you."
• getting caught up on some much-needed blog-reading time
• soaking in the love of Christ through fully receiving the love of others
• feeling, and even leaning into, some of the pain of the surgery I mentioned in the blogpost immediately previous to this one
• loving all my blog friends from afar
  

pray for me as i undergo surgery...

So yeah, God is showing me things about myself again. I actually asked him tonight to do surgery on me, specifically in the area of how I relate to him. And yeah, that was kinda scary. I have had actual surgery once. Five years ago, on my knee. And that was incredibly painful. This surgery I am talking about now is spiritual surgery - on my heart. Open heart surgery if you will.

I haven't been relating to God in healthy ways. While my picture of him has healed significantly over the last year, he brought it to my attention tonight that there's more to do. And there's not just a simple quick-fix for the problem either. It's going to be painful. And it will require perseverance on my part, following the Doctor's orders explicitly, doing all the rehab necessary, etc... In a way I am kinda excited about it.

In other news, I started the Believing God study by Beth Moore today with my friend and mentor Debbie, the wife of the president of the college. We watched a 50-minute video for the first session and already I am blown away by the profundity of what I learned and what I have yet to learn. She was talking about the promised land and what that looks life for us today and on earth. My promised land, and your's too, is a place where my theology meets my reality. They aren't separate. But I so often live like they are separate, like I am just waiting or passing time until I get to the Promised Land. So another prayer of mine this year would be that my theology and my reality begin to coalesce.

I bought myself a blue bracelet today. And now you're thinking, "Why is that blog-worthy?" And now I will tell you why. In Numbers 15, the Israelites are instructed to wear tassels on their garments with blue cords attached to each tassel to remind them of God's commands and to obey them and they will be consecrated. And elsewhere in the Bible it says that it shall be written on the right hand: "I am the Lord." So Debbie and I are combining the two passages and wearing blue bracelets on our right hands to remind us that He is God, that He is the Lord. We talked about doing just blue cords since that's what they wore on their tassels; but I wanted something a little more wearable, a little more feminine.

And yet another prayer of mine this year is that God would transform my noun belief into a verb of believing. I want to be active in believing in God and not just have a belief in him. Does that make sense? Most of all I really pray that this study would have deep effects in my spiritual walk that would send earthquakes throughout every aspect of my life.

There was a whole gammut of emotions that I went through today. And currently, I am content and at peace. Full of hope that God's promises and his Word will become real to me this year in never-before-seen ways. Full of life. Full of love.

monkeys and bait...

Yesterday I went hiking with 4 friends. We were crammed into Madame Blueberry, the little blue Neon, enjoying the blue skies and mountains around us. We were laughing hard. Then Cheryl out of nowhere says, quite randomly, "Sometimes I feel like a monkey, because those are the times that I don't think at all." Even more raucous laughter ensued. Later, while we were hiking she said, "I feel like bait," because there had been bear sightings just prior to our arrival and she was berry picking. I love that girl so much! Without her, my life would be much more dull.

I promise to return to more regularly scheduled programming very soon. Life has been so full for me lately that I haven't had time to update regularly. I need to settle into my new schedule/routine.

a very good year...

Okay. My little break is over. But boy was it ever grand! Even more grand though is all the possibilities and promise that lie in the year ahead.

All the students came back last Thursday. It was so good to meet the new people and see the returning students again. I missed them so much. Already this year feels so much more different than last year. It's a difference that's palpable. I know I am going to love this coming year and this coming year is going to love me.

I am taking Art Appreciation. It's taking the place of Peace Studies, a Philosophy 300 level class that was cancelled due to lack of interest. We met for the first time tonight and I went in excited and I came out intimidated. I thought it was going to be mostly art theory and history. And it is that. But we will also be actually doing art. And that terrifies me. I was so close to walking out within the first 15 minutes after learning that we would actually be doing art. But a small part of me said "Stay. Learn. Stretch. Grow." And for once in my life the small part of me won over. I am actually a little bit looking forward to the class now. It's already changed my perspectives on some things, and that's only after a 2 hour lecture. And I am taking Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling and Film as Literature (aka Film Noir). These 3 classes I am taking at Kenai Peninsula College - a branch of University of Alaska-Anchorage. And I am taking Ministry Practicum here at Alaska Christian College. I am really looking forward to the lighter 12-hour load this semester compared to Spring's heavy 21 credits.

I have a new job. As of today I am the new Community Relations Assistant at Kenai Peninsula College. It's 20 hours/week and I think it will be an awesome opportunity to learn new skills and get connected to my new community outside of Alaska Christian College.

This year I plan to:

• have more fun than I did last year. I was so focused on studying and getting good grades and being on the SALT team that I missed out on a lot of fun stuff. This year will be different. It's okay to play. I have to remember that.
• focus more on relationships. The biggest thing that I missed out on last year was people and relationships. I want my relationships with people to be my most treasured possessions. Already the dynamic between others and me is different - in a very good, rich, and rewarding way.
• maybe even get in a little bit of trouble. Not big trouble Poppa, don't worry! But if I get written up for sneaking off campus to go to Sal's with the girls after lockup then that's one more memory that I will have made and who knows how many friendships solidified. Last year I was too legalistic. I was appalled at even the idea of breaking the rules.
• start tithing on a regular and consistent basis. It is something I have heard about my whole life but recently it seems like it's being driven in, you know? I have lived so selfishly in the past and that part of me is ugly like a cancer.
• become more of an artist - in the visual arts form. I have always been fairly self-conscious about my artistic abilities (my sister Lisa took the limelight in this area). In a way, I have been neglecting the artist that truly does live inside of me. We're all artists.
• live deeply and love well and live well and love deeply. 'nough said.
• continue to travel into uncharted territory in my relationship with my Lover, my Creator, and my Saviour.

Yes. It's going to be a very good year.

the whole of me...

Queasy from the rocking of the boat I get up from my perch on the bough and hang my head over the rail. I feel the wind of traveling at 16 nauts braise my skin. It will be chafed tomorrow with windburn but for now I don't care. It feels good and seems to blow the nausea right out of me. The blue-green of the ocean below stares back mockingly. Just beneath the surface I can see translucent blobs of jellyfish float past. Up ahead the sea otter that's in the water lifts his head from its liquid pillow to see us looming towards him. He languidly rolls over and dives deep into the blue to avoid being hit or being sucked into the ship's engines.

I look to my left and see thousands of puffins nesting in the hundreds of crevasses in the bluffs that have been carved out by nature over thousands of years. Just a few thousand years ago a glacier had been there and then when it melted it carved this beautiful landscape. I notice the deep recesses in the rock, almost like caves, and can see how they have formed by the way the water smashes against them in their farthest and darkest corners. The caves and rock formations seem to be my favorite parts of this cruise through Kenai Fjord National Park. While the eyes of the others on board with me scan the waters for orca whales or other sealife, I find my own eyes continually search the shoreline for an even more beautiful formation than the last and, to my delight, each time they do only get better.

From nowhere, or probably not from nowhere, I am struck with the realization that this entire landscape and those rocks especially are a lot like my life. Not so long ago, although it seems like it sometimes, a glacier had been in the place where my heart now beats. Due to the Son's light and nature the glacier melted leaving in its wake a constant stream of Living Water rushing through me. It was a stream of Water so forceful that over time it carved out ugly spots that were hard as rocks and left them nothing but open and cleansed, beautiful rooms in which the Water could ebb and flow and move about freely.

The Water still looks for and finds other spots that need carving out and immediately goes to work. The process is sometimes slow and painful but always necessary in order for the Water to feel as though it has free reign within the jagged walls of my life. There are deep caverns of which it is impossible to see the farthest wall and these are the places where the most work is needed. They are where ugliness and harshness have rooted their way deep into my core, or where the glacier hasn't completely thawed out yet and there are still hard frozen remnants of an ice age long ago, a time when there was no life, only merely survival. Slowly the Light reaches those places and together with the Water the ice recedes and new life begins. It is in the deepest parts of me where I and the Water are the most intimate, where we come and work together in a holy union. Me, so eager and willing to have more room to offer the Water in which to dwell; my hard surfaces and sharp edges so pliable and obedient to the Water's chiseling; always wanting more, never feeling satisfied with the amount of space that the Water already occupies. The Water, desiring deeply to inhabit every part of me, and waiting patiently knowing that someday I will break completely and offer to it the whole of me.

My head hangs over the rail, heavy and spinning. This time it's not the rocking of the boat; it's a combination of the rush of the Water within me cleansing out yet another part of me together with the life-giving knowledge that someday all the ice and ugly spots will be washed out completely that seem to knock my equilibrium off kilter. The Water is not done with me yet. It might take a while. But I am surprisingly okay with that as long as I know the Water is there to sustain me. I know the Water won't stop rushing because it whispered it to me.

the next couple weeks...

After tomorrow I am taking a break before school starts up again in just a couple weeks. I am housesitting (and pet-sitting) at a beautiful log cabin that's fairly secluded and sits on a lake and is surrounded by trees. The other day there were two moose chillin' out and eatin' in the backyard. Pip, one of the dogs, was barking at them. They would just look at him like, "Yeah, just watch me come over there and stomp you." It was funny.

So the next couple weeks will be full of:

• lots of rest
• daily walks
• reading several books: The Life of Pi (finishing it), So I Go Now (finishing it), and starting Velvet Elvis, to which I have been greatly looking forward
• music on the iPod
  
• doing lots of introspection, reflecting on the last year, the summer, thoughts for the coming year, where I am, where I am going, and motives; all this introspection will hopefully no doubt inspire lots of...
• journaling and writing in general
• devouring the Bible - I plan to start a one-year plan to read it in chronological order
• some movie- and tv-watching
• playing with the dogs
• just playing
• and if I have anything to do about it, it will hopefully be full of transparent fellowship - me doing life with others, others doing life with me.

It's gonna be an awesome couple of weeks. I don't know how often I will be posting so know that I haven't forgotten about anyone if you don't hear from me and know that I will be back in bloggerland shortly. Love you all!

ah, the good ol' days...

Yesterday was my friend Andrea's birthday. We were eating dinner last night and she started a sentence with, "Back when I was a teenager..." Yesterday was her 20th birthday.

some of my brokenness...

This week I have been helping a friend through a crisis in her life. Today as I was talking to her I teared up. I was telling her that her identity does not lie in that situation, that it in no way defines who she is. I told her that God knew she would face this one day and he still thought her valuable enough to send his son to die on a cross for her. I told her that this makes her no less valuable - to me or to God or to those that really love her. I cried because I was reminding myself of the same things. It was a reminder that I am not my mistakes, that I am deeply loved by lots of people despite them. That's something I seem to forget all too easily sometimes.

Last week I was hanging out with a friend that I had just met. It was Friday night and we'd had several conversations over the course of the week and he was leaving the next day. He told me, "I really admire you because you listen simply for the sake of listening and not to try to figure out what you're going to say next. That's so rare and I love it. At the beginning of this week when I met your friend Venessa I was interested in her. She's very attractive. But the more I talked to her, the more I realized that she had no substance to her. In the end, it's you that I have been so impressed by more and more every day this week. The more I talk to you the more I want to talk to you." I nodded and averted my eyes so that he wouldn't see them start to leak. And then he said, "I hope that doesn't offend you. I don't want to offend you." I shrugged it off and said something like, "No, not at all." But in my heart I was hurting. He was telling me that while I had substance, he didn't find me attractive even in a platonic way. (By the way, let me just add here that he wasn't someone that I was interested in romantically; he was just a friend, someone with whom I'd had some good conversations over the previous few days.) And he said that he was surprised by me, refreshed that he'd been able to spend so much time with someone that he didn't find attractive at all, and how much value he saw in me because I am such a good listener, etc...

All I really wanted to do was walk away but instead I listened to him, because after all that's who I am - a good listener. I let the lie sink in. I believed that I wasn't attractive, that I was only valuable because of who I am on the inside and not because I have external beauty to go with it. I am still thinking about it - almost a week later. And I think I am stuck on it. So much lately I have been frustrated that people don't look past external appearances to the person underneath. They don't look at people the way God sees them. "For man looks on the outward appearance, but Christ looks at the heart." Even though my friend said that he had found value in who I am inside, he negated it with the comments on my outward appearance. And he told me that he would call me Sunday or Monday when he got back home and that he hoped we would stay in touch. But he never called me; he's called my friend Venessa, the attractive one, a few times now. And this sent me another message: even if I do have substance, what good is it anyway? He still chose to pursue more of a romantic relationship with physical beauty instead of a friendship with inner beauty. I am broken right now. It seems I need someone to remind me of my worth, that my identity doesn't lie in outward appearances. You can tell me that all you want, but right now I am just really broken and I won't believe it. This is where I am.

Why do I seem to struggle with this issue so much?

colors of life...

I have a new favorite playground. You can play with the different magnetic poetry kits and submit poems online. It's oh so much fun! I wrote this poem there this morning:

I will...
Investigate deep water
Imagine more
Compose joy
Create fiery impressions
Sing a masterpiece of love
Paint life in bold blue and green
Open up my pain
Know balance
Live in rhythm
Sense grace
Capture movement
Anchor my purpose
Breakthrough the miasma
Question my world
Give myself fully to art and beauty
Paint vivid metaphors with drunk color
Be an icon of love
Demand harmony
Sculpt silhouettes of electric purple
Feel the sunrise
Experience true freedom
Dream music, soft and free
Feel wildly original
Dust off my heart
Model inner beauty
Drink in youth
Experience wisdom
Ask why
Witness a miracle daily
Shimmer with life and
Dance like light on water
Observe life unfolding
And I will not waste passion.

prayer summit...

I have a couple friends, Jeff and Marcus, climbing Mt. Rainier this week. Please keep them in your prayers that God would protect them from danger. Both are experienced mountaineers but even seasoned climbers have accidents. Wouldn't it be awesome if when they got back they mentioned that they could feel the power of prayer protecting them? They have attempted Rainier twice before but have not been able to summit due to extreme weather conditions so this is their third attempt. Let us also pray that they would be able to summit this time around. Thanks.

who i always wanted to be...

I have always wanted to be one of those people who:

• could get away with wearing just about anything without feeling self-conscious.
• could get away with having a short funky hairstyle or no hair at all and still look fabulous.
• suddenly decided one day, after living their whole life in the same city, that they needed or wanted to move.
• wakes up on any given day and says, "Hmm... I think I will buy an (insert spendy item here: ipod, a really good digital camera, a new tv, season tickets to something, etc...) today." And then go plunk down the cash and not have any qualms about it.
• decides to travel the world and they just do it without thinking twice.
• had the ability, both physical and financial, to take extended leave from work and do something for themselves like hike the entire Appalachian Trail or go on the Camino to Santiago Pilgrimage.
• could write something that had the potential to change peoples' lives.
• could eat anything they wanted to and not worry about figuring out how far they have to walk to burn that number of calories.
• have people say of them, "She looks amazing for her age, doesn't she?" or something else like that.
• is quirky in a completely interesting and intriguing sort of way.
• has an amazing voice and sings like an angel.
• can sit in the sun for any amount of time and not worry about looking like a lobster when they go inside.

But I love the me I have become more than the idea of even the possibility of becoming anyone of the above. I have become the best me I can be, the me that God created me to be.

perhaps the most beautiful words i've ever heard...

I was out tonight with a friend who has not been walking with God and has found himself addicted to drugs and believing God exists but not trusting in him at all because of a past experience. We were engaged in deep philosophical and theological discussion. He was trying to make excuses and justify himself. I was able, nay God was able to speak through me and somehow get through to him. At the end of our discussion I told him that God is passionately pursuing him and always has been and that he'd rather be right about God and life than happy. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can't believe I am going to say this but it has only just now occurred to me that I want to trust God. And you've convinced me to give him a chance, to spend one day with him this week praying and asking him to change me. Deep in my heart I know that you're right, that it really has nothing to do with God but it all comes back to that one experience with that woman that I loved and we both loved God. It all comes back to that. I will give him a chance this week and spend a day with him." And I nearly lost it right there. Those words were so beautiful! I told him to think about what happened to him today and to realize that he's been given a second chance. Right before noon today he fell 10 feet from a ladder and landed smack on the concrete and hit his head. And he walked away with nothing more than a sprained ankle. When I worked in ICU and ER, for a year each, I saw falls from a lot lower heights kill people. The paramedics that came to the scene when I called 9-1-1 were amazed at his condition. I told him to try to tell me that it was just a fluke thing, that it was luck and that God had nothing to do with it. He couldn't tell me that.

So now I make a plea to you all... Please join me in praying for my new friend Tim. He's here on a mission trip from Arvada, CO.

a man and his music...

I wrote this today for a friend that had a horrible night last night.

In a room that's empty
Save for the darkness and a silence so loud it's deafening
A man sits, clinging desperately to his guitar
As though he's drowning and it is his only lifeline.
He's trying to find resolution in his heart
By searching through all the words;
He neglects the empty ones and
Chooses carefully only the words that fill him with meaning.
He sends them up into the night -
Soulful and sexy and aching,
Until he laid his words upon it like a blanket
With the music he was making,
Leaving it now only soulful and sexy.
The salve in his voice, smooth and breathy and warm like gauze,
Has soothed the ache that hung in the air
And replaced it with comfort and familiarity,
His words, rich from experience,
Wrap around the night
And lend it some ambience.
Soon his music swallows the darkness and
The room is bathed in mystical light.
It's a light that emanates from somewhere else,
Some place that's far beyond himself.
It's a place where hurting and healing collide,
Where brokenness and holiness reside,
Where truth and beauty are born from inside,
Where pain and hope abide,
Where love and danger coalesce,
And humanity and the divine coexist.
It's a place where all of these in his own life are illuminated;
And it's there that he realizes
That though he is not perfect,
He is perfectly flawed
And in response, Heaven and all its angels applaud.
This is the source of light that casts its glow
On a room that was empty
Save for the darkness falling and the silence calling,
Where a man clung to his guitar
Trying to save his own life from trivial things
And while doing so,
It was my life that he played on six strings.

what's been keeping me so busy...

This week I am painting for work. Up on a roof that is steep in some places. And holy cow, let me tell you there's been a lot to paint up there. I've been up there all week and thought I would get done today but the rain is temporarily keeping completion at bay.

Back over Memorial Day, you might remember me posting about it, I went to Anchorage with Lisa. While there we met Justin, a 19 year-old kid from Minnesota who had been praying about coming up here for a while. God impressed it upon his heart to come up and he gave up a gig that would have had him touring all over Georgia with his band and opening for Relient K and some other bands. Music is his passion, second only to God, and so that sacrifice is of course a huge one. I remember when I met him how impressed I was that he was just a young kid, didn't know anyone at all, and yet he blended right in with our group. He jumped right in and included himself in conversations, which is scary and sometimes even when you know the people. And how impressed I was that he made such a huge sacrifice. It was like his Isaac. Anyhow, he was at Covenant Bible Camp in Unalakleet for 4 weeks as a counselor and is on his way to Bethel, AK next week to do 2 years of youth ministry there. He stopped here in Soldotna for 3 weeks to do some volunteer work. And let me tell you he's become one of my best friends. It's weird, I know. I can't believe that I feel so open with him and he's said the same thing about me. We have talked, quite literally, about everything. Everything. He's asked my opinion on some lyrics and taken my advice on some of it. I've shared some writings of my own with him. We've talked about exes and friendships gone bad and our childhoods. I helped him through a potential stalker situation. I don't know how many nights this week we will have started a movie and will just end up turning it off because we'll start talking again and will continue to do so until 3am or so. It's amazing to me how much he knows about me and still wants to learn more. The best part of all this is that he's completely safe. While he is an attractive guy, I am not attracted to him at all.

So that's what I have been so busy with this week that has kept me from posting. On Sunday we went to church together and the pastor spoke about rest and the sabbath and how important it is. Our challenge for the week was to find time to rest and he gave different pictures of what that might look like: reading a spiritual book, reading the Bible, just being still, finding renewal through conversation with friends, etc... On Sunday afternoon Justin and I went for a drive and the sky was low and dark and ominous in a beautiful sort of way. Justin looked at it and looked at me and said, "The sky is resting too." And I looked and it really looked as if it had fallen wearily into its heavenly bed and was laying there heavily. It was gorgeous! He's really opened my eyes to look at things from new perspectives. He challenges my faith and encourages me to grow every day. Already I treasure his friendship. I have been surprised with how many levels there on which we connect. It's so refreshing.

this week i...

• changed jobs
• watched the first season of Northern Exposure and noticed how inaccurate it is in some ways and how accurate it is in others
• discussed and debated for 2 hours what tithing and giving looks like today with about 25 other 20-30 somethings at a new Bible study I've started attending
• contemplated life and spirituality for hours on end while staring into a fire for hours on end
• took a drive
• thought about how the majority of this huge state in which I get to reside is wilderness, pure and untouched by the world - no buildings, no civilization, no scars, its beauty still in its originally created state, habitats still intact; and then thought about humanity and how opposite that picture is for us.
• realized how satisfying hard physical labor can be and how I never thought I would be one to say that
• wondered, yet again, why we hide so much behind this facade of "I have it all together;" and decided that if I took my mask off and was completely honest and wore my brokenness "on my sleeve" I would look like a smashed windshield
• went clamming in order to make clam chowder for dinner tonight
• met a distant relative - my poppa's brother Doug and his wife Nancy live in Muskegon, MI and a team from their church is up here this week working on campus volunteering and Nancy's cousin Dick is on the team; it's so good to make connections
• have been apalled at the fact that I have been here one month shy of an entire year and have yet to go fishing
• mastered the weed eater; it's an art form, you know - my arms will be buff by then end of the summer from carrying that thing all over campus
• gotten down about how far I have yet to go in completely healing from my past but then looked at how far I have come and basked in it
• signed up for classes at Kenai Peninsula College, a branch of University of Alaska - Anchorage: Peace Studies, Film as Literature, Intro to Criminal Justice, Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling are my KPC classes, Ministry Practicum is my ACC class; and I am still hoping to do an independent study in dog mushing; next semester is Truth, Beauty and Goodness; Gender & Sexuality; Intro to Marriage, Family & Interpersonal Relationships; Personalities; and Philosophy II at KPC plus Expressions of Faith at ACC = another busy year but I hope to have my AA come May
• got an email from an old friend I haven't seen or talked to in a few years
• have been blessed once again by another full and rich week living in Christ
  

an amalgam...

I don't have any one specific thing to post about. I lost my journal entry for the thoughts on prosperity post I was going to do so I am having to start over. So, since I don't have collective thoughts on any one subject, I now present you a post with many subjects - an amalgam. My weekend was incredible. It started at Veronica's on Saturday, about which you already read. The only thing that's different is that now my camera is back from vacation and has resumed work. I went back and recaptured the scene that I had posted about, minus the Bible and the journal, etc... You'll get the general idea though.

Saturday night Lisa and I decided that it had been too long since we had Taco Bell so we went, followed by a trip to the beach and then a spontaneous drive to Cooper Landing where we hiked around for a bit and then headed back into town around 11pm. Sunday morning I slept in and went to Bedside Baptist for church that morning. It was blissful. Then I decided to drive to Anchorage. I took my friend Cheryl along with me. We stopped at Portage Glacier on the way up and were blown away, yet again, by God's marvelous and magnificent creation.

We had tentative plans to stay with these incredible people there in Anchorage that night. But after trying all day I still couldn't get hold of them. Late that evening, when we stopped by Tom's on the off-chance that he'd be home, he informed us that the Hjelms' were out of town. No wonder I couldn't get hold of them. With a lack of a back-up plan, we spent the night in the car - a little, red Daewoo - parked in the church parking lot there in Anchorage. Cheryl slept and I tried. I just couldn't. But it was an adventure. My first time ever spending the night in a car and Cheryl's first time also. Like I said, it was certainly an adventure.

At 6am there was a group of high school boys running through the church parking lot making all kinds of noise. Cheryl woke up unwillingly. I decided it was time for breakfast so we drove to McDonald's where we brushed our teeth and made ourselves more presentable for the world. At 7:30 we were back in the car and on the road back to Soldotna. What should have taken 2 1/2 hours, we turned into a 7-hour trip, stopping where we wanted, taking pictures, relaxing, watching bears swim and other wildlife, taking detours (which there's only one "detour" you can take), etc...

We took the road to Hope, AK, a little village that we see from across the inlet every time we go to Anchorage. I have always wanted to go and so... we did. It was glorious! The entire 16-mile road was amazing and once again, I was blessed by what God had created. I was actually moved to tears that time. I saw some of the greenest greens and bluest blues and a tree that defied gravity.

We had lunch at a little cafe there in Hope where I had the BLT and homemade Hungarian Mushroom soup that was outta this world. Phenomenal! Back on the road and Cheryl settled in for a nap. I was exhausted by the time we got back home. I ate dinner and chilled out a little bit and then went to bed. I had some things I knew I wanted to do the next day so I made it an early night.

Tuesday, the 4th, I slept until about 2pm - much later than I wanted. Four years ago when my dad was living here and I came up to visit we had gone to Seward, AK on the 4th for their festivities. There was a marathon - up a mountain no less, street vendors, native arts and crafts, yummy food, and scenery like you wouldn't believe. It was tons of fun! So I wanted to go back again and watch everything happen again. But I slept in late that day and decided that since no one I had asked wanted to go with me I would just not go. Well, I wasn't having that. About 5:30 I was at some friends' house and decided what the heck, I'm not gonna let everyone else determine what I do or don't do. I'm gonna go anyways. So I got in the car and went, which for anyone can be a big deal and for me was a huge deal. I usually am so afraid I will miss something so I'll go along with everyone else and put my own desires aside. Or I would be so afraid or anxious of feeling awkward by myself. But that day was completely different. Hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. Again, the scenery was gorgeous and the time with God in the car without a radio was just as beautiful. I got there and walked around the town getting pictures and just people-watching. There was an Air Force band playing live there and they were really good. They did all cover stuff but still, very good. While I was listening to them I started a conversation with someone and when the band was done playing he said "Hey, let's go have dinner!" So we went to Ray's Waterfront Seafood and kept talking. He's a fisherman named Mike, originally from Seattle and was there by himself also. He was great company and the best part was that it was a completely harmless, no expectations kinda thing. We didn't exchange numbers or anything. We just had dinner and parted ways. It was perfect and it was exactly what I wanted to do on the 4th. So at 11:30 I decided I should head back home. Completely content and my tummy satisfied with yummy seafood and ice cream from Harbor Street Creamery. And I wasn't anxious at all about being alone; I was the best me I could be and it was incredibly freeing. The only thing I missed on the 4th were the fireworks. It doesn't get dark enough here.

Today I got to hang out with 10 fine young men from Alaska Military Youth Academy. There were 120 od them that were down from Anchorage doing community service stuff in the area and 10 of them came to the college to help out and serve. So a few of them helped me burn up huge wood piles while the others did other things on campus. They were so polite saying, "Ma'am, yes ma'am," and "No thank you ma'am" all the time. My favorite part was after we had all the wood on the fire we got to just sit around and talk. I got to know them pretty well the last couple hours or so. They were good kids and hard workers. Hanging out with them was such a blessing and hearing their dreams for the future and everything. There was only 1 or 2 Christians out of the bunch and to have some of them ask me questions about my faith and the college was such a cool thing. I was fed, really spiritually fed by all of it. And my desire to be a youth pastor resurfaced full-force when a few of them hugged me as they got on the bus. It was a good day.

achievement of perfection...

I have always thought perfection something impossible to attain. But today I know otherwise. As I sat in the sun in my broken-in sweatshirt, capris, and Doc sandals, the breeze from the coast and the sun and the 65 degrees enveloped me. I was lounging outside that blissful place called Veronica's, sitting in one of two wooden chaise lounges (Jesus was sitting in the other) and drinking a strawberry blended tea smoothie thingy. The pungent fragrance of the oversized lilac bushes was overwhelming. The scenery was phenomenal. And to top it all off I was putting finishing touches on a devotional I was writing so I was spending transparent time with God in between naps and watching the surroundings. It was 3 uninterrupted hours of bliss. I now know it is possible to achieve perfection. Because, today, I did just that.

I realize this post would have been so much better with pictures and I even tried getting some. And they would have been glorious. But unfortunately my camera has decided to take a summer vacation as well and has ceased working, much to my dismay. It's only been under my employment for not quite a year. I am very disappointed and the closest Best Buy, where I hired it, is 3 hours away in Anchorage. So I see a road trip on the horizon.