the old days...

i am moving...

2007-04-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

Because my template seems to be all jabberwockied (ie: my archive dates are all messed up and I don't know how to fix it), I am moving. To visit me at my new home, click here.

that illuminating glory...

2007-04-07T11:04:00.001-08:00

I didn't understand it then, what I was saying, and maybe I still don't. Perhaps I never will fully comprehend the extent of the power of my words that day. I didn't know that they would change my life, or what little was left of it, and then the next life too. Let me start again...

The air was thick with death that day. You could feel it crawling on your skin and smell it in your nostrils and taste it even on your tongue, and perhaps most gauche of all, you could see it, witness it, with your eyes. Maybe it was the unusually balmy weather that day that played to my senses. But death, no doubt, permeated the air. As did the smell of jasmine. Looking back on it now, it was the smell of jasmine that seemed out of place to me. How was it that such a beautiful and pure aroma did not get drowned out or overpowerd by the depravity of the other?

I couldn't believe how they were treating him with such disdain and hate. Who were they that they believed they could do that, anyway? Like Jesus said, "He who is without sin cast the first stone." And I knew none of them were sinless. I had no actual evidence of them committing a crime except what was happening right in front of me. They were doing it so willingly, and with such ease that I was repulsed with the sight of it. It reeked of old crimes committed in their pasts, and, truthfully, my own. I don't think they would have been able to do the things they did that day without having had shady pasts of some sort. To treat an innocent man like that... It's unspeakable.

I deserved everything I got that day and more. But not him. He was completely innocent, absolutely sinless. Why should he suffer for my sins? Or the sins of the world simply because his father loved us that much? I don't understand it, even now, 2000 years later. It seems so foreign to me, too surreal to comprehend. But I know it was real because I was there, I witnessed it all firsthand.

I didn't know 33 years prior to that day, and before he was even born, that I would one day meet him. I had met his mother and Joseph on the road. They were on their way to Egypt and I was part of a band of thieves. We were set to jump them and take everything they had, but I felt something, even then. It was something that I can't put words to, but I just remember this sense of absolute sacredness, like they were the work of a miracle somehow. I told the others with me not to do anything to them, not to harm them, and just to let them pass. The woman, Mary, looked at me with such gratefulness and I could have sworn that I saw the face of God in her. The glory of it was so heavy that it forced me to my knees.

I remember that I used to wish I was still kneeling there in that spot. In the remnants of that illuminating glory. It would mean that I would never have done all the stuff that I ended up doing, I would never have hurt anyone else, I would never have been the person that I became. But then I also know that I wouldn't be where I am today if I had stayed there.

Thirty-three years later I met him after having heard of him on countless occasions. The very moment I saw him I knew that he was the miracle I felt the presence of all those years prior. And then there we were, both being whipped and beaten and scourged and degraded and defiled. I deserved far more than I got but he deserved none of it and yet received at least 5 times what I did. I was so ashamed. I couldn't even look at him, even though the one time I did I was met with a look of such deep, profound love. I could read in his face that he knew who I was. Maybe his mother had told him the story of the thief that let them pass all those years ago. Or maybe he just knew. Either way, it didn't matter. He knew me without ever having spoken to me. And I was utterly terrified because of it.

Pontius Pilate had him stand before the crowd with Barabbas, a murderer. Pilate then asked them, the crowd, which one to release: the known killer or the innocent man, thinking that they would come to their senses about it all. But the rulers had whipped them into such a frenzy that they all cried out, "Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him!" until Pilate relented. He released Barabbas into the streets and set forth the events that had been prophesied hundreds of years earlier would change the world's history, and surrendering Jesus to their will.

They nailed us to crosses, big beams of wood that were sorely unforgiving. And put us on display for others to mock and spit at. Most of them ignored my friend and I and instead threw words of hate and scorn at Jesus, laughing at him, saying that he had saved others so if he really was the Messiah why didn't he call on God and his angels to save himself. "If you save yourself and come down from there, we will believe in you," the chief priests and elders called out. All that he could say in response was, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." They divided up his clothes by casting lots. And my friend even called out to him, forgetting all too quickly that he was in no position to mock another, for he himself was the subject of others' mocking. But he called out, "If you are truly Christ, then save yourself, and us."

My embarrassment for my friend didn't keep me quiet. Instead I said between agonizing breaths, "Do you not fear God? Are you not under the same sentence, fool? We deserve everything we've been given today. But not him, he has done no wrong." And turning to finally meet Jesus gaze, "Remember me when you enter your kingdom today." And it was those words that I didn't understand at the time, or even now, how they would change things so drastically for me. I had no idea what words he would speak to me, if any, nor did I have any expectation of them being fulfilled once he uttered them into the air. "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in Paradise." Once he said them, I felt a shift inside me. I didn't know then that it wasn't just death tightening its grip on me, or just Satan calling me a fool for putting hope in such things for who was I to even think that I might enter into the Kingdom of God? All of these things played in my head over and over again as the sky opened up and rained down a cleansing flood into the now dark landscape.

A while later he cried loudly, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" Someone below ran to offer him a sponge dipped in vinegar. Jesus cried out again and then fell silent for the last time. It was the events immediately following his silence that shook me. The temple curtain tore in two, inviting God's people into his holy presence. The earth shook and the rocks split and many who had died were brought back to life. When all this happened those who had been mocking him were terrified and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"

Shortly after all that had happened, I was surprised to find myself in Heaven looking down and watching people crucify him all over again, day after day, and rejoicing with the angels when they repented, as I did all those years ago, ensuring their entrance to a place far beyond their imaginations, where we will all forever be in the presence of that illuminating glory.

This is a story based on true events, as if told by Dismas, the thief that went with Jesus into Paradise that day.

remembering mom...

2007-03-30T08:23:00.000-08:00

I think I posted this a year ago today. But that's okay with me. I can make it a sort-of annual tradition. Today marks the seventh anniversary of the beginning of my mother's new life in heaven. I wrote this on the one-year anniversary of that beginning.

When liquid prism raindrops darken the path where I tread,
And thunderstorms spill ravenous but sweet upon my head,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the days of puddle-jumping up and down the street.
Gazing when it finally stopped at how everything looked:
so fresh, so green.
Breathing in the cool, clean air,
wishing we could always remain there.
When sunshine sneaks its way in through my window again
Like a long lost friend I haven't seen since who knows when,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the endless days of summer get-aways,
And sleeping late until the sun warms my face.
Climbing mountains, making wishes in fountains.
Roller skates, bike rides, somersaults and cartwheels
- playing in the yard.
Sunrises, sunsets, outdoor meals
- never thought remembering would be this hard,
A kite to fly and fireworks on the Fourth of July.
When leaves turn from green to gold to orange to red and brown,
Wood burns in fireplaces and cold and hard becomes the ground,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the cool nights of hayrides and bonfires that crackle,
Hot cocoa to hold and echoes of laughter.
Dressing up as hobos to collect all those candies and treats.
School starts again, making new friends,
Tasting the first eggnog of the year, thick and sweet;
Nights would get longer and we'd pull out our flannel sheets.
When snowflakes whiten my world with frost on glass
- fresh beauty unfurled,
And ice breaks the trees of their fragile leaves,
and drops them into the past,
It is then that I remember.
Behold long winters of Christmas caroling,
Holding on tight while down the hill we'd go barreling.
Forts of white stocked with weapons of snowballs,
Ready to fight; afterward snow angels and sugar plum dreams for all.
All cozy and warm curled up by the fire;
telling stories while we sipped hot cider.
When nighttime comes like the magic of a whisper
That moves me to lean in as though to keep it there -
Right there in the intimate air
between me and the one who whispered,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the nights of silvery lights:
white diamonds on a black velvet sky
Gazed upon by so many in a life gone by.
You once stood too in awe of what surrounded you.
But I remember this a different way,
It was your beauty your light that took my breath away.
Only you could make a trillion stars seem to go out at night.
As each second passes and I view this world
through rose-colored glasses,
It is then that I remember, I cherish, and I treasure
Your life, your breath,
and all you left me in the short time you spent on earth.
Like memories that did not go with you and faith beyond measure -
Priceless things, valuable things,
intangible things of boundless worth.
Though your face glowed a silvery gold and outshone the moon
I'll always remember it as the light that went out too soon.

off to chicago...

2007-03-19T14:20:00.000-08:00

I am heading to Anchorage in just a couple hours to hang out with my friend Blassi tonight and then head to Chicago early in the morning. I will be visiting North Park University while I am there. They are actually footing the bill for my trip, which I must say is very nice. I hope to thaw out some while I am there too. It has been very cold here but it's been sunny and clear too - very beautiful from inside. I am anxious to get to some warmer weather and to be in the Midwest again even if only for a few days.

I will post again when I return.

my reckless abandonment...

2007-03-10T18:14:00.000-09:00

I had heard of him, yes. I had been hearing of him for quite some time. People had been telling me of his work for quite some time: how he would heal people even on the Sabbath; how he would dare to tell people that their sins are forgiven; how he would hang out with the least, the last people on earth that everyone else expected he should hang out with, but not only that, he sought them out!; and how one of his friends, Peter, had once walked on water because he said that he could; how he would simply say to someone, "Follow me," and that person would drop everything, completely transfixed, and follow him so close they were covered in the dust he kicked up. In the beginning, I thought Who does he think he is, telling people that kind of stuff? And it went from that to Man, who is that guy? and then to I want to meet this man, this mystery. I didn't originally know why I wanted to meet him, or at least get a good look at him, I just knew that I did. Maybe just to find out what he looked like, if he looked normal or not, who he was, if he was really who they said he was, and could really do the things that I had been hearing about, that kind of thing.

I knew I was the last person who should have been thinking thoughts about meeting someone so... extraordinary. A woman who has a past colored as dark as mine had no business entertaining such thoughts. I mean, it wasn't even all entirely in my past, it was my present too. How many mistakes had I made, did I continue to make over and over for that matter? And I mean, come on, who did I think I was anyway? I wasn't fooling anybody. I was convinced that I would be the exception, the one that he would look at pityingly and then after a minute, would say completely exasperated, "Hope and faith in me is not enough for you. Your past is too dark, too full of shadows and deceit. I cannot help you. You should just go home now."

I was so sure that would be his reaction to me if I even tried. So when I heard that he was in Bethany, at the home of Simon, a leper, I almost didn't go. I imagined the scene over and over again in my head. My eyes pleading for his favor and for his touch, asking him to love me. His deep brown eyes not even meeting mine. The white of his robe shining so brilliantly that I couldn't look at it, only at the dirt floor in front of me, and the toes of his feet. His rejection of me and then the hushed laughter and condemning whispers of the others gathered there. And then me, turning to go, trying to keep my head above water as I swam out fighting the weight of my shame, mocking me by pushing me under. And then, at last, I would give up and have to be dragged out, even though the thoughts of them putting their self-righteous Pharisee hands on me was worse than drowning in my own guilt and shame. The scene was a little different every time I went over it in my head but the end was always the same. And then something happened the last time that I tried to imagine it. I had just been dragged out and left just outside the doorway. I raised my head to see what it was that I felt on my hand. And a serpent slithered its way over my skin and then turned to look at me, right in the eyes, flicking his tongue at me as if to say, "Ha ha ha, and you actually thought he would tell you that everything would be okay now? You should have known better; you should have known that you aren't worth it." And that's when I knew that I had to go and try.

I quickly finished hanging the wash on the line and told my mother I would be out for a while. I grabbed the alabaster jar of perfume from where my father had been keeping it for me, and I set out for Simon's house. My parents were saving it for me, as was custom, as part of my dowry. When I married I was to break it over my husband's feet, anointing them with the sweet-smelling ointment inside, as a symbol of abandoning all that I had for him, that I would give everything I had to offer, what little it was, to him. I knew it was expensive, worth a year's wages, and that they might be angry with me later for it. I don't know what told me to take it but my heart told me that if I did, that he would take it and use it and give me back something better, something even more valuable.

I arrived there and saw the great crowd of people gathered there. They spilled out the doorway into the yard. I imagined most of them were curious, as I was, about this mysterious man. I shoved my way through them, carefully protecting the fragile jar in my hands. I entered and saw Simon first, though I did not recognize him right away for his wounds were all healed; he was clean and smiling. And then my eyes were drawn elsewhere, to a stranger that was seated in the center. He was dressed in a robe so brilliant white that I could not look at it directly. Instead I sought his eyes and when I finally met them, I fell to my knees. I had never seen eyes so filled with compassion and love. They stole the breath from within me, they were so beautiful. I was able to bring myself to crawl across the floor, weeping as I went. Tears of joy, tears of praise, tears of love, and happiness; but there were no tears of guilt or shame there that day. I made my way to him and when I finally arrived I raised myself up beside him, and the jar along with me. I uncorked the jar and poured all of it over his head, abandoning all that I had to offer to him. I was whispering to him words of praise and worship, offering prayers so effortlessly even though at the time I didn't realize that was what I was doing. My hands reached out then and massaged the perfume into his hair.

I had not noticed that it had been quiet until some spoke, first in whispers, and then finally someone out loud: "Why this waste? This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor." I couldn't see them from where I was kneeling, my hands tangled in his hair. But I wasn't there to see whoever it was that was speaking; I was simply there to see him. Then, he turned to look at me and brought his hand up to touch my arm, and grabbing my hand he raised me to my feet, standing himself. He turned to look somewhere behind me and said, "Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." I was stunned. He really had taken what I had given him and used it. And he had given me something far greater and far more valuable: unconditional love, something I knew no other man would be able to give me.

But I was also stunned by something else. He mentioned that I had prepared him for burial. I had only just met this man and I knew then that I was in love with him. But he was going to die, and not just someday, but very soon. A deeper reality of that would sink in much later but at that moment my grief was overwhelmed with the joy of the present. He turned back to me and looked deep into my heart. He brought his hand to touch my face, in that intimate place where my jaw and neckline meet. "Your hope and your faith in me has saved you. You have offered to me the greatest offering you could give, yourself. All that you had to give you freely gave. Go in peace." I turned and left, upright and without the weight of my guilt and shame pushing me under. And as I exited the house I looked to my left and saw there a serpent slithering quickly away from me, his head sliding on the ground hung low in his own shame for he had been defeated again.

This was based on the biblical story of the woman who poured her alabaster jar of ointment over Jesus' head. It has been fictionalized to depict how I imagined it.

i am...

2007-03-01T22:31:00.000-09:00

*in conversations with 2 local Rotary Clubs and 2 local mayors about sponsoring me on my trip to London.
*trying to work in a trip to Chicago to visit North Park University over Spring Break in just a couple weeks.
*seriously rethinking my previous decision to go to Oak Hills Christian College in Minnesota to finish my degree. North Park is cheaper, just a little; it's closer to home; has a wider variety of classes; has more opportunities for ministry and outreach internationally and more of a social justice emphasis; is more reputable; but also has less financial aid options.
*changing my major (yes, again!) to Biblical and Theological Studies with either a double major in Psychology or Sociology (I have taken significantly more Psych classes than I have Soc classes though...) or a minor in one of the two.
*going to Anchorage for the weekend for the start of the Iditarod race. I am really looking forward to taking part in this huge aspect of Alaskan culture and history.
*sorry for neglecting my blog friends. I haven't read anyone's blog in a while and I haven't posted anything for a week. I miss you guys and I do think about you all often. I promise to return to blogdom soon, hopefully very soon.
*working on a couple ideas for future posts so stay tuned.
*becoming increasingly frustrated with my Peace Studies class. Some of the things that we read and talk about in that class are so... I don't know... I just want to laugh sometimes at some of the hot air that's being blown in that room. I can't explain it. For instance, in the assigned reading, I read that by eating meat we are killing Mother Nature and killing our future children (although the book actually says "eating the flesh of our future children..."). It is definitely stretching me in terms of forcing me to speak out for my faith.
*exhausted and going to bed now.

Check back the first part of next week for another update. I won't have computer access this weekend while I am away.

a recap of the last week or so...

2007-02-23T21:04:00.000-09:00

The last week to week and a half has been good. Valentine's Day was pleasant for the most part aside from the hurtful comments of one gentleman who has since sought forgiveness and I gave it. I went away on a retreat last weekend up north of Anchorage. It was nice and much needed. It was on spiritual armour and spiritual warfare and the authority that is given to us by the Lord Jesus Christ. I learned a lot about exercising that authority directly instead of going through God. For instance, I had been having dreams lately about demons and possession. I would pray to God that if there was anything there with me that wasn't from him that he would drive it away. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that but I learned that I can be even more effective by commanding the devil myself directly to leave. I have tried it and it is indeed more effective. And I started getting money in for my trip to London in April which is good. And I have more coming that's been promised to me which is also very good. I am getting quite excited about my trip. If anyone knows of someone that lives in London that wouldn't mind taking in a female college student for a few days I would appreciate the contact and a warm place to put my head.

And tonight I had a date. It was a first date all over again with a guy that I had been out with before, last October, several times and then wound up being different than I had originally thought. He contacted me about a month ago probably apologizing profusely and saying that he was glad I told him how I felt, etc., that he didn't expect me to forgive him but that he was sorry anyway and how horrified he was at the things he said to me the last time I saw him. He went on to say how beautiful, intelligent, and fun to be with I am. And how he had spent the last 4 months or so in a place where he had to deal with a lot of things, ugly things in his life and how much it had changed him. I had forgiven him back in October fairly quickly after that last night but I waited a few days after receiving his email and then called him to tell him as much. He was, of course, shocked to hear from me but I told him that I forgave him and we talked a while. And thus began a month or so of getting reacquainted with each other through email and over the phone. I was able to read some blogs of his (I don't link to him and he doesn't know about mine) and from what I read it was fairly evident that he had in fact done some changing and decided that it would be hard for him to put up that kind of a facade with all the people that read his blog if it was only for my benefit. It seemed as though he was being very intentional with me and I really enjoyed it. He called me on Valentine's Day, I think it was, and left a voice mail asking if he could take me out sometime. So when I got his message we agreed on tonight and continued to email back and forth and talked on the phone last night. And this morning when I got to work and logged into my email I got this message from him...

I think you have great ideas and I'm looking forward to seeing you.
A few days ago, while I was walking the (snowy) beach during lunchtime, I remembered your words. When I asked you one night last fall what the ocean was saying to you, you said, "I am God and I am awesome." And you expanded your thoughts for my benefit. Makes me think of Job 12:8, "Speak to the earth, and it will teach you." See ya tonight!

It made me smile. And the day flew by and I met him at Veronica's at seven o'clock for a steamer and some great jazz music. He was already there when I arrived. He stood when he saw me and gave me a hug and it was comforting and familiar. We sat and talked by the fire and listened to the band play. His blue eyes would search me and reach into places long forgotten. We talked about seeing a movie but because he had an hour drive ahead of him to go home we called it an early night. He hugged me and promised to call me again soon. I don't know what I think right now. It seemed good but I don't want to be naive about this. He knows that he's on probation with me, that if he treats me even remotely similar to the way he did before that he's out for good. I want to believe him but I am just not sure. I want to trust that God has the very best for me and I don't want to settle for anything less. I want to be smart about love. Not that I am in love with him but I just want to be smarter about matters of the heart than I have been in the past.

Poppa, I wish that you were close by. I would come over and talk to you about all this stuff. And you could maybe meet him too. You've always been a good judge of character it seems like. I miss you and I love you.

happiness is love shaped...

2007-02-14T13:39:00.000-09:00

In honor of Valentine's Day, I put the word love into the slogan generator (see the link in my sidebar under online entertainment) to see what it would come up with. These are the results; some are really quite profound and some are simply fun. Enjoy!

Love is mightier than the sword!
Every kiss begins with love.
Come to life, come to love.
Behold the power of love.
Only love can prevent forest fires.
Happiness is a cigar called love.
Go on, get your love out.
The love effect.
Love really satisfies.
I’d walk a mile for a love.
Happiness is love-shaped.
Built love tough!
Love: It’s everywhere you wanna be.
Grab life by the love.
Let the love out.
Let the love begin.
I saw love and I thought of you.
Love – the freshmaker!
Splash love all over.
Fill it to the rim with love.
It’s how love is done.
Simple impartial love.
See the love, feel the shine.
Wear love.
You can be sure of love.
A day without love is a day without sunshine.
A different kind of company. A different kind of love.
Designed for love.
Love saves your soul.
We do love right!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for love.
A love works wonders.
What can love do for you?
It’s a beautiful love.
Out of the strong came forth love.
Turn loose the love.
Challenge love.
Don’t get mad. Get love.
4 out of 5 dentists/doctors recommend love.
Don’t be vague. Ask for love.
Ding-dong! Love calling!
The love of a new generation.
It needn’t be hell with love.
Love is Job #1.
If you can’t beat love, join love.
Only a fool breaks the love.
Don’t leave home without love.
When the going gets tough, the tough get love.
You’re never alone with love.
Love makes everything better/taste better.
The best part of waking up is love in your cup.
Made In Scotland From Love.
Bridge that gap with love.
Watch out, there’s love about.
Love born and bred.
You need a love.
It’s how love is done.
It’s a love adventure.
Keep that love complexion.
We’ll leave the love on for you.
There’s always room for love.
My anti-drug is love.
My doctor says, “Love.”
Love wanted.
This is not your father’s love.
Promise her anything but give her love.
Moving at the speed of love.
Love tested, mother approved.
The world’s love marketplace.
Let the love out.
Love prevents that sinking feeling.
Wait ‘til we get our love on you.
Gotta lotta love.
Got love?
If you’ve got the time, we’ve got the love.
Nothing works better than love.
Top breeders recommend love.
Let’s face the music and love.
Obey your love.
Choosy mothers choose love.
Hand-built by love.
Just do love.
Only love has the answer.
Strong and beautiful, just like love.
With a name like love, it has to be good.
Turn loose the love.
Is love in you?
Let the love begin.
Hope it’s love, it’s love, we hope it’s love.
Love is so bracing.
Come one, come all to love.
All you need is love and a dream.
He who thinks love, drinks love.
Love keeps going and going…
Life should taste as good as love.
Snap! Crackle! Love!
Oh hungry? Oh love!
Get the door – it’s love!
Love – it does a body good.
Great love. Great times.
Tonight, let it be love.
Step into the love.
Love, and on, and on…
I think, therefore love.
More love please.

Happy Love Day everyone! I love you guys!

containing the universe...

2007-02-13T19:03:00.000-09:00

So I was home today battling the stomach flu and after sleeping most of the day I decided to check my email as I had not yet received word on my acceptance to attend a summit in London in April on human trafficking. I logged in and found the following email...

Dear Christina,
Thank you for applying to our Bringing the World Home: Stopping Human Trafficking conference. We apologize for the delay in responding to your application. We received a record number of applications and it took more time than expected to go through them all! However, we are delighted to inform you that you have been selected for the summit and, based on your outstanding application we have also decided to award you with a Young Global Leaders scholarship, which will cover the complete cost of your registration, which includes tuition and five meals. We have chosen you based on your remarkable background and your commitment to global awareness.
The conference is taking place at the Syracuse Centre’s Faraday House at 48 Old Gloucester Street in downtown London on Friday April 27th through Sunday April 29th, 2007. On Friday, April 27th, registration and light refreshments will run from
1:00pm-1:30pm, with the conference starting promptly at 1:30pm and running until 8:15pm. On Saturday, April 28th, it will run from 9:15am (with breakfast from
8:00am-9:00am) until 5:00pm, when we will depart for guided walking tours of
London. On Sunday, April 29th, we will have breakfast from 9:00am-9:30am and the conference will end at 2:00pm. You can click here to see a picture of this building and a map or click here to see additional information about the Centre. The closest Tube stop are Russell Square and Holborn. At the conference, high-achieving, young American leaders living and studying abroad and their international peers will learn strategies for talking about global issues with the public, techniques for organizing town hall meetings on America’s role in the world, and have the opportunity to discuss methods for dealing with "reverse culture shock" after living abroad and postgraduate opportunities in international affairs. The summit will also feature high-level panel discussions. Click here to see the conference schedule. (Speakers are still being confirmed for some panels.) Our goal for the summit is both to engage in deep and well-informed conversation about human trafficking and to equip you with the skills to bring these conversations back to your campus. To prepare for the summit, you may want to take a quick look at several guides that we'll be going over during the course of the conference.
First, our organizers’ toolkits are kits of online materials that will help you to put together a town hall discussion on your campus as part of one of our global town hall series. We change the topics slightly each semester, but our current
initiatives are: (please note that they are directed towards U.S. students but are easily applicable to international students)
Hope Not Hate: The Future of U.S.-Muslim World Relations
Fighting for What’s Right: Reforming the International Trade System
Securing the Future: Oil Dependence, Climate Change, and You
A Better, Safer World: Stopping the Spread of Deadly Weapons
Being a Good Neighbor: The Future of U.S.-Latin American Relations
Global Governance for a Changing World: U.S., U.N., I.C.C.: U.N. reform & U.S. relations with the I.C.C.?
Second, the U.S. in the World Guide is a guide that will prepare you to discuss global issues with your peers and other Americans in the U.S. We’ll be going over this guide
briefly at the conference, so feel free to take a look at it now!
If you require accommodation in London we can recommend the Ashlee House hostel or the Generator Hostel. Prices range from ?11-?37. Please book with them directly.
We hope that the above materials get you excited about the retreat. We’ve selected you because of your extraordinary background, and because of your commitment to raising global consciousness within your university community and around the world. We are very excited to work with you in that effort. If you have any lingering questions or concerns, please visit our frequently asked questions page, e-mail me here at kchristie@aidemocracy.org or call me at +1 203-773-1202.
We are looking forward to seeing you in London for what is sure to be a fun and
energizing weekend of events.
With our best wishes,

Americans for Informed Democracy
45 Court Street
New Haven, CT 06511 U.S.A.
AIDemocracy.org

So it looks like I will be going to London at the end of April. I am so thankful for this opportunity that God has given me. It is my prayer that he will be glorified in all things that I am involved in while there. Since the scholarship does not cover travel and lodging, I need to get some fundraising done. I already have over $100 from a couple different people coming to me. I am a little nervous about the idea of fundraising. I have never been good at or comfortable with asking people for help when I need something, let alone want something. On the other hand, I know that if God wants me there, I have nothing to worry about. He will make a way for me and provide for me sufficiently.
Thanks to all of you for your steady prayers. Keep them coming! I love you.

"The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe." ~ Joanna Macy

human trafficking 101...

2007-02-07T18:03:00.000-09:00

Human trafficking is a form of modern day slavery. Wikipedia defines it as “the commercial trade of human beings, who are subjected to involuntary acts such as begging, sexual exploitation (prostitution, forced marriage, etc…), or unfree labor (involuntary servitude or working in sweatshops). Trafficking involves a process of using physical force, fraud, deception, or other forms of coercion or intimidation to obtain, recruit, harbor, and transport people.”

Trafficked people most often come from the poorer regions of the world, where opportunities are limited and are often from the most vulnerable in society (such as runaways, refugees, or other displaced persons), especially in post-conflict situations (Kosovo, Bosnia, etc…). But they also come from ANY social background, class, or race.

Generally, people who are seeking entry into other countries might be picked up by traffickers and misled into thinking that, upon being smuggled across the border of that country, they will be free.

Women and children are the groups that are most commonly targeted by traffickers and, therefore, have the highest victimization rates.

•Children sold after parents having been deceived
•Women misled into thinking they are getting good jobs
•Men are also trafficked for hard labor or to work in restaurants, as janitors, in sweatshop factories, or in migrant agricultural work.

Escape from these conditions is difficult and extremely dangerous.

The US State Department estimates that 600,000 to 800,000 men, women, and children are trafficked across international borders each year. Of those, 80% are women and girls, and 50% are minors.

But this isn’t just happening internationally. A surprising 50,000 people are trafficked into or transited through the United States each year. After drug dealing, trafficking of humans is tied with arms (guns, etc…) dealing as the second largest criminal industry in the world, and it’s the fastest growing. Prior to October 2000 there was no comprehensive Federal law in place to protect victims of trafficking or to prosecute their traffickers.

What can YOU do?

•Shop fair trade stores (10,000 Villages; World of Good; etc…)
•Be aware of where all of your bought items are coming from. Old Navy and Wal-Mart have a history of using sweatshops.
•Give “Loose Change to Loosen Chains.” Start a campaign in your area. It's a campaign originally designed for students and campuses but don't let that stop you. There is $10.5 billion in loose change in the United States alone every year. Let's give some of that to help free modern day slaves!
•Go to International Justice Mission’s website by clicking on the link to find more ways you can help.
PRAY!

(Information provided by Wikipedia)

a little o' this & a little o' that...

2007-02-03T18:57:00.000-09:00

I am still waiting to hear about London. I was supposed to have heard this last Tuesday. So I emailed on Wednesday. She emailed back telling me not to worry, that they haven't gone through applications yet. And she said that I should know by this next week. So I am still waiting. Believe me, I will let everyone know just as soon as I know something.

Classes are well underway and I am loving most of them. I could actually do without my Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling II class. But the others: Psychology of Women, Peace Studies, and Expressions of Faith are really, really good. I am thoroughly enjoying them so far.

Today, I have felt a little agitated. I don't really know what it is. It's like, I really want to be alone right now and I can't go anywhere to get away from people. It's so exhausting. I just want to be by myself for a couple days. To think about things. To just chill. To just do whatever. It would help if I had a car. It comes out in how I talk to people too. And I really don't like that. I just want to tell them to leave me alone for a while. But it's different here. I could tell someone that and they would take it wrong. Like I said, it's so exhausting.

I saw Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth last night at a community dialogue thing. It was fascinating, depressing, and scary all at the same time. We watched it and then discussed in small groups for a while afterwards. When I am done here, I think I would like to live in an area where I don't need a car, so preferably somewhere where there's a mass transit system. I had no idea that the U.S. was the cause of the majority of the global warming crisis that's taking place. I walked there and it was interesting afterwards to see everyone else getting into their big expensive SUVs to drive home. I wanted to scream at them. But instead I just laughed at the irony of it all.

I have been thinking lately. I know, I know. Scary, right? Seriously though, when I was at the airport in Kansas City a few weeks ago, waiting to catch a flight to Salt Lake to to catch another one to Anchorage, I saw a little boy there. He couldn't have been more than 3 probably. But he was running in that way that toddlers do: cute and toddly. He ran right up to a woman sitting on the floor, a stranger, and looked at her and put his hand on her face. She smiled of course and made funny faces at him. He laughed and then held up his arms, just beckoning her to pick him up. I imagine she refused because she didn't know where his parents were and if they were watching, she didn't want to freak them out. So then he turned toward the woman's husband who was standing right next to her. And again, he held up his little toddler arms. And then his dad came running after him snatching him. The image hasn't left my mind since really. He was so trusting with complete strangers. He was just a boy standing in front of a couple asking them to love him. And he was refused. It tore my heart in two really. He's so young and he's already been refused the love that he so desperately wanted. Rejected, in a sense. Now I realize the couple's reaction, knowing his parents must be close by and not wanting to freak them out. But it was still painful to watch the little boy's mouth turn down a little. He was offering himself to them and was refused.

There are so many things that I have been thinking about because of this but the most persistent is this: When did I stop trusting people like that? He wasn't afraid to ask for what he wanted. He just put himself out there, so vulnerable and sweet and innocent. I don't really offer myself to people without them doing the same for me. I can be vulnerable but usually not before some vulnerability on the other's part generally. I wonder how many more friends I might have if I did this. But then conversely, I also wonder how many times the scene would have been the same. Me holding my arms out for someone or asking for something that I want only to be refused. Just some things I have been thinking about lately. And I have been praying that the little boy experiences little rejection in his life and that he will always be trusting and brave enough to ask for what he wants.

And because I now live in Seahawk country and I am rooting for neither the Colts nor the Bears, I am watching the Superbowl tomorrow strictly for the commercials. I couldn't care less who wins. But I hope your team wins, whoever it is.

Soon I am going to post some of the information on human trafficking that I have collected in my research. I know at least a couple of you requested that. It's coming soon.

Shalom.

lowlights and london update...

2007-01-28T14:46:00.001-09:00

As good as my trip home was, there were some low points of the trip.

* Cancer. I found out that my grandmother, my dad's mom, has Basal Cell cancer around her eyes. It's gone pretty deep. They are having to remove her eyelid and do major reconstructive surgery. Please pray for her.
* Displaced. I felt like I was displaced for a large part of the trip. Kinda like I had been gone so long that I didn't belong anymore. And like I had changed so much so why hadn't everyone else, or why hadn't the city.
* Best friends? Not knowing if I could still call my best friend "my best friend." We hadn't really talked for a long time and I felt so far removed from her life that I wasn't sure what to call her. It was strange to go back and realize that she had been seeing someone new for 4-5 months and I didn't really know anything about him. I had known all her boyfriends from the very beginning. It was also strange to see the ways in which she changed as well over the last year. It felt to me, at times, a little bit like I was "competition" for some of her new friends that I didn't know but that had been there during these changes, had witnessed them, had walked her through them, and already knew Jack. It seemed to me, for a while anyway, like we were strangers becoming friends. It was a hard place for me. But I feel now that we will always be friends. There's a history between us that is long and palpable like southern summer days. Comforting. Familiar. Sweet.
* Commercialism. I was overwhelmed almost instantly with the amount of commercialism and materialism that is on display there. That is the one thing that puts me off about moving back. I live now in a place that is so simple, so laid back. It's a place that seems far removed from the American Dream and society's scramble to achieve it.
* Failed plans. I didn't get to see everyone that I wanted to see or do everything I wanted to do or eat everything that I wanted to eat. But everything I did get to do was all stuff I wanted to do. So I am very grateful.
* Some things never change. I went out with an old friend from high school, with whom I have a little bit of history, and realized that he hasn't really changed at all. He would be such a good guy, if only he would grow up in some ways.
* Chiefs. Yes, they did make it to the playoffs. But why did they have to lose in the first round and do it so horribly none the less. Come on! An entire first half without any first downs? What is that? That's not football; that's like summer without sunshine or life without faith! Completely hopeless!
* Leaving. I hated leaving. I was just getting used to being back home and getting used to being with old friends again. But like I said before, once I got back to Alaska and saw friends from here I was glad I came back.

And now for an update on my trip to London in April. I applied for the summit and for the scholarship last Tuesday or Wednesday. I find out if I am accepted to go to the summit sometime before this coming Tuesday. I am not sure if I find out about the scholarship at the same time or if I have to wait on that. But I am still fairly confident that I will go to the summit regardless of the scholarship if I am accepted to attend. It's kind of nerve-wracking, this waiting is. It seems like I am almost constantly checking my UAA email account. It's ridiculous! Please continue to pray. In the event that I am accepted, I already have over $100 promised to me by people willing to help me get there! And for that, I am very grateful!

going to londontown...

2007-01-22T19:03:00.000-09:00

Hi all! My lowlights from my month-long trip home are still coming. But I have some news that I want to share with you all first...

Every once in a while I will present current events to the student body here at Alaska Christian College to raise awareness on campus. I usually will cover 2-3 topics each time, typically up-to-date information on what's happening domestically in our government and then a major social justice issue, either domestic or international. Today was one of those days. My topics were a smaller piece on the new tax cut plan that Bush is proposing in his State of the Union address tomorrow night and then a major piece on human trafficking. I have done a lot of research on human trafficking, domestic and international, and it sickens me. Some of the things that I found out while preparing for my presentation today were shocking and horrifying and gut-wrenching. I have become so intrigued by this topic lately that I have been perusing the Internet looking for articles on it and exploring organizations that work to emancipate the victims and prosecute the traffickers. It has quickly developed into a passion of mine. So much so that I am very seriously considering changing my major to Social Justice.

So, today was my first day back on the job in public relations at Kenai Peninsula College and I was telling my boss all about the presentation I was about to give. I told her what it was about and how sick I felt after reading true stories of women and children who were sold into slavery for sexual exploitation and have since been emancipated. Not even two minutes after I had finished telling her about this she receives an email from another staff member at the college. It was about an annual summit that's held every year for student leaders. The summit is called Bringing the World Home and this year's theme is Stopping Human Trafficking. She proceeds to read me the entire email explaining when it is (at the end of April, right before finals), and other details. But when she said that it was in London, UK I had pretty much given up hope that I would be there. She goes on to say that there are full and half scholarships available for the summit for which interested students can apply. I just about lost it then. She told me that if I don't apply for it then I must be out of my mind.

The timing of it all just seemed unmistakable and impossible to ignore. So I am applying for the scholarship. I am fairly confident that I will get one. But even if I don't I am thinking of raising money to go anyway. My boss said that she would help me raise money for it too in the event that I don't get a scholarship. The cost of the summit itself is 50 pounds or about $100 and, according to the website, that covers lodging, meals, a few tourist attractions, summit materials, etc... for I think 3 days. Not to mention the experience of a lifetime and hearing internationally-acclaimed speakers stand up for those that can't stand up for themselves. And, of course, my first time ever going abroad. So I just checked flights to London from Anchorage and you can fly round-trip for $460. Yes, that's right. Roundtrip for $460, Anchorage to London and back again. Granted, the price is good for flights up to March something, but my hope is that they will continue to have good deals on flights to London.

I have a birth certificate to track down and a passport to get. And an essay to write for the scholarship. I have a lot to do. I will keep you updated. And will try to get the lowlights out this week. I just thought this was a little more important and would be a little more exciting for you to read. I can't help but think that this is something I am supposed to pursue. It was like confirmation that I am on the right track. But I don't want to be misled either. Love you all. Oh... and please pray for me that doors would be opened if I am to go to this summit.

highlights...

2007-01-18T13:51:00.000-09:00

As promised, here is a list of highlights from my month-long vacation at home. This is going to be a fairly long list so consider yourself warned.

*70 degrees! When I boarded the plane in Anchorage on December 15, it was -5; and when I landed in Kansas City on the 16th, it was 72. My dad and I headed straight to Chipotle where we ate lunch outside. It remained in the 50s, 60s, and 70s for the better part of my stay.
*Nieces and nephews, seven of them! I miss all those kids so much it hurts. I got some good cuddle time in with them.
*Secrets! I spent 5 days at my oldest sister's (Traci's) place in Topeka along with her husband and 5 kids. I had Josiah on my lap, he's the third oldest. I asked him if he wanted to hear a secret and he said that he did. I put my lips up against his ear and made kissy noises over and over again. After that, every so often he would say, "Aunt Chwis, I want to hear a secret." And I would do it all over again. Then Hannah, the second youngest started doing it too.
*Nothing! Entire days filled with doing a whole lot of it. 'nough said, I think.
*Grilled cheese! Again, I was at Traci's place and we were having grilled cheese one day at lunch. Someone asked Hannah if she wanted to know a secret and she said that she did expecting the same kissy noises. That person must have told her that her Aunt Chris loved her because she gasped out, "Aunt Chwis loves me!" Upon hearing this I said, "I sure do. I love you whole bunches!" Then Josiah said, "I love YOU, Aunt Chwis." And I said, "I love you too, Josiah." And Hannah said, "Well, I love my grilled cheese!"
*Friends! This trip I got to spend some time with two friends in particular and we went to deeper levels in both of them - had deeper conversation, a more rich time.
*A mini high school reunion! My best friend from high school is dating someone, Jack, that we went to high school with although I don't remember him at all from back then. I remember his friends but not him. Anyway, Jack's best friend is Dirk who also went to high school with us. One night while I was staying at Nida's, we made gumbo and invited Jack and Dirk over along with Rod, also from high school but 2 years ahead of us. It was fun and weird too, to sit there 12 years later with people I didn't know before and talk about common memories.
*Kansas! I discovered for the first time the grand beauty of Kansas and Missouri. I had never noticed it before. It's a quiet beauty, the kind that I can imagine Donald Miller writing about in only the way that he can, that prose of his that brings nostalgia to the surface.
*Family! I spent gobs of time with family - aunts, uncles, cousins, fiances of cousins, grandparents, parents, etc... I miss those people!
*Cats! My dad has become a cat person since I've been in Alaska. He has never, ever, ever, ever liked cats. And now he has 3! A girl named Martha Kneader, a boy named Chester, and a little girl kitten named Moo. Watching him play with those cats warmed my heart!
*Community and fellowship! Being back at my church in the communities in which I was involved before moving was so good for my heart. Fusion and The Gathering were my communities, the places I went to when I needed to be fed - Fusion for more of a social feeding and The Gathering for a spiritual nourishment.
*Surprises! The first Sunday I was in town I went to church un-announced. After the service my friend Chad Rader saw me and did a double take and reached out to hug me. He said, "Wow! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes!"
*Reading! I got to read a lot while I was home. I enjoy doing this more than I enjoy watching movies even though I watch more movies than I do read books.
*Laughter! There was a whole lotta laughing going on almost the entire time.
*Sunrises on the lake! My dad lives on Tuttle Creek Lake in Manhattan, KS and the sun would rise from across the water and cast red-orange-yellow on the water in silvery paths of light.
*Sunsets behind the hills! The other direction on my dad's property is just miles and miles and miles of Kansas hill country. The sun would sink down behind them as though they were pillows and the sun was a head going down for the night.
*Time! I realized that my best friend from high school, Nida, and I still complete each other's sentences and say the same things at exactly the same time after so many years and after so many months of being separated. We've both changed so much but not as much as I'd thought after all.
*Love! While home I felt loved in a more complete way that I hadn't felt in a long, long time.
*Food! Chipotle / 1st Watch / Olive Garden / Tequila Harry's
*Dinner! This is very different than simply food. Dinner is when you gather with family or friends around a table and partake together - partaking of food and drink, and partaking of life.
*Zoo! Nida and I got to play zoo with Jack's daughter Lexi. And Jack was the gorilla and we were the cats and he was out to capture us.
*Late nights! The best conversations take place very late at night and very early in the morning. Especially with Nida and I.
*Internet free! I made a commitment that while I was on break, I was breaking from everything - blogging, emailing, myspacing, facebooking. It was nice.
*Dominoes! I learned to play dominoes while I was home. The same night as the gumbo, Dirk had brought his domino set. Jack and I whipped up on Dirk and Nida. I did well for my first time, I must say!
*Coffee shops! I frequented lots of coffee shops while home. Coffee shop convos rank right up there with late-night convos.
Boulevard Unfiltered Wheat with lemon / frozen margaritas with salt / wine with dinner.
*Cheap! Everything's cheaper in the midwest. Gas was $1.95 - compared to Alaska's $2.70, that's cheap!
*Movies! Going to the movies in Kenai/Soldotna means going to a building a little bigger than a large house to see a movie on one of two or three screens. And it means hitting the theater at just the right time to see what you want to see, because due to the small amount of screens they cycle movies in and out so quickly. In Kansas, going to the movies means going to huge cineplexes where there are 30 or more screens.
*Chiefs! I got to spend time with people who actually care and make a big deal out of Chiefs games and that they made it to the playoffs, even if they did lose in the first round.
Humping and mating! I learned a lot about humping trains from Sam the humpmaster and about the mating department at Hallmark cards from Amy. It was quite educational.
*Worship! I experienced the type of worship that I had been lacking and missing. I actually felt like a vacancy in me had been filled during worship at Heartland.
*Shooting! My dad and I spent a few afternoons shooting on the beach. It just proved that a little practice does make perfect. It was fun and I did really well too!
*Sewing! I was having coffee one night with Amy and as we were leaving the coffee shop my purse strap broke completely off. A couple days later my stepmom helped me make a purse out of a pair of my dad's old overalls. I love it, it's so cute! And I have gotten a lot of compliments on it too!
*More nieces and nephews! Traci told me that she's pregnant again with number 6. And she hopes it's twins - which is actually a possibility.
*Sleep! I got to stay up really late and sleep in really late without having to be anywhere in particular unless I chose to be.
*No agendas! I got to go where I wanted, when I wanted, with whom I wanted, to do what I wanted.
*Friends! Seeing my friends in Kansas and Missouri was fantastic. It was really hard to get back on the plane to come back to Alaska. But once I got here, seeing my friends from school made it worth it.
*Pummellos! This last Sunday after church in Anchorage Tom, Jesse, Adam Wilson, Laura, Anthony, and Pastor Mancini, Ryan, and I all went to New Sagaya (an organic foods market probably similar to Whole Foods) for lunch. Tom and Jesse were breaking open a Pummello, a citrus fruit that is bigger than a grapefruit and has a soft, squishy, thick skin. They were sharing it with the rest of us because we had never heard of them, let alone tasted them, and Pastor Mancini asked, "Where do these come from?" To which Tom dead-panned, "Aisle 2."

This is but a small sampling of the highlights from my trip. I am sure I could always come up with more but they would all just mean more to me than you would understand. The common theme in all of these things is love.

i am baaaack....

2007-01-15T13:44:00.000-09:00

Hello my faithful few Internet friends. I trust that everyone had as fantastic a holiday season as I did. If I didn't get the pleasure of seeing you in person, know that you were still with me in heart and I thought about each of you. And if I did see you, thank you for making my time at home so absolutely wonderful that it was incredibly hard to get on the plane to come back to the Great North. But of course once I arrived and saw everyone it made doing just that so worth it! The atmosphere here on campus is laid back and cool again, like it was the first week, and we are acting like we actually love each other, and I suppose we do.

I wanted to blog more regularly while at home but life kept me pretty busy and I wanted to relish it instead of feeling like I had to capture the events in a post everyday. But...! I did make a list of highlights from my trip in my journal. I will post them within the next couple days. And lowlights - there were a few- will be soon to follow that.

Just wanted you all to know that I am back - both back in Alaska and back in happy bloggerland! And I missed both!

a new beauty...

2006-12-17T22:37:00.000-09:00

I am home. I landed in Kansas City yesterday afternoon and it was 70 degrees outside. My poppa met me at the airport with a full white beard, looking like Santa. It was so wonderful to see him. We went straight to Chipotle, how I have missed Chipotle, and we sat outside and ate and watched the shoppers at Legends Shopping Center. Then we met up with my sisters and I saw all seven of my nieces and nephews. Two of them don't remember me and it makes me so sad. But it was such a joy to see and play with the rest of them. One of them, Hannah Grace, called me "Aunt Christmas" last year when I was home. It was so precious. She is beautiful. They are all beautiful. It was such a perfect day. We then met up with my friend Heather and she and I went to my aunt's house for the night. I was overwhelmed with the city. It was as if I was seeing it all for the first time. It was beautiful. A beauty I haven't seen before.

I was pretty exhausted and sick, having been up for about 36 hours so we called it an early night. I tried to go to sleep at 9:30 but then it occurred to me how long it had been since I had heard trains. I used to sleep right through them. They kept me awake for a bit but I finally slept. And then I awoke when my fever broke at 11:30. The trains were still clickety-clacking and choo-chooing. I got back to sleep a while later and slept through the night. My aunt had set out breakfast for us and it was wonderful. Heather and I went to church at my home church, Heartland Community Church. I hadn't told many people so it was wonderful to see the surprised looks on some faces. A friend, Chad Rader, said, "Wow! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes!" It was so good to be back there, among friends. I have missed it. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until today. I do. I miss it so much. It makes me ache a little. Or a lot.

Heather and I grabbed a quick lunch and then drove to Kirksville, MO; it's about 3 hours northeast of Kansas City. I was about to comment on how beautiful the drive was when she said, "This drive is so ugly and boring." When I lived here I thought the same thing. But now? Now that I have been gone for so long I have a new appreciation for everything. There's a new beauty that I am seeing. It's odd too, in a way. Everywhere that I have been to since I have been home has looked exactly the same as when I left. It's so strange. I have changed so much since I have been gone and for some reason I expected home to change too. But it hasn't. Sure, the people have but the city is the same. Does that make sense? I was so shocked by it. It's all so beautiful. Now I have an idea of what my friend Amy has been talking about all the times she's said that it's so beautiful here. I never believed her. Until now.

Something just occurred to me... and maybe this is sad. Or maybe it's not, I don't know. But it took me leaving to make me want to stay.

stripping...

2006-12-07T18:19:00.000-09:00

"Lord, strip this world from me. Let the only weight be your glory upon me, your glory upon me... Let your love be the only stronghold over me, the only stronghold over me." This is my prayer right now. God's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Or maybe the devil's been working in my life in the area of strongholds lately. Three people have made hurtful comments to me in the last couple weeks regarding something about which I am already sensitive. I feel a little like I have been demoralized, like Satan has figured out who, or what, it is that I fear I am the most and set about to confirm that in me. Does that make sense? It's like he knows those things about which I am most insecure and has been working overtime to make sure that I take those things and own them for myself.

The good thing about this is that I am realizing that while peoples' comments do hurt I have not been living in them or dwelling on them like I used to. I am becoming a little more like Lucia in Max Lucado's You are Special. The grey dots and gold stars are sticking less and less often. God is teaching me the special language of living in his abundance. He's teaching me that I am his favorite, that he didn't create me to reject me, that I have his full attention. He's captivated by me. And he's teaching me that it doesn't bring glory to him when I turn away from his opinion of me and that's what I have been doing. He has prosperity for me - prosperity of heart and mind - and he wants to give it to me by me accepting that I am who he says I am. As long as I turn away from that and don't choose to fully accept that I am who he says I am, I experience poverty of spirit.

There's so much I want to say right now but I think I need to sort it all out. This is good for now. God is changing me in very real, almost tangible ways. God is so good. And he is stripping me of this world.

what's next...

2006-12-02T19:33:00.000-09:00

Earlier this week I said I would have at least one new post up this weekend. And here it is. It's not the one that I was working on because, well... because I am still working on it and because I am lazy at this particular moment and because... just because.

I was emailing a friend back who had asked me where I am at right now, how I am feeling, what's next after this year, and for prayer requests. To make it easy, I thought I would just post this for everyone that way you can pray for me too and know what's up in my life. So here goes...

Isn't it cool how the end result can make all the work leading up to it so worth
it in the end? It's amazing how things work out that way - work can actually be
rewarding when you can see a specific end in sight and it's the end that you
wanted to come to all along. Love it!

I can relate to you feeling like
you don't know what you're doing and relying on God. That's a little bit where I
am right now. I know this school year still has 6 months or so left in it and
the task of figuring out what to do afterward is looming. At the beginning of
this semester I wasn't too worried about it because I had plenty of time. But
lately, the last few weeks, I have really started to process and become
increasingly overwhelmed with this idea that I don't know what lies beyond the
middle of May. It's a little scary. I have all kinds of ideas about what I want
to do - all very different from each other - and am just up in the air about
which one's right for me right now. For instance I really want to continue my
education and get my 4-year degree from a 4-year Christian school. I want to
design my own major in Christian Leadership or major in Christian counseling.
Where I am now doesn't offer 4-year degrees, so do I leave a community I love to
go to school somewhere else? If so, where? I would love to be on staff here at
Alaska Christian College. There's a possibility of a position coming open here
that I am well-qualified for and have even filled in when others have been on
vacation. My only hesitation is that it's completely a raise-your-own-support
position. I know that, like you said, the effort put forth would be worth it in
the end but is it the right choice? I would also love to break into the
non-profit industry somehow. Or even start a new one myself. I would also love
to do ministry here in Alaska. There's such a need for revival here that it's
almost palpable. The people here are hungry for something and most have lived
without hope their whole lives. I would love to help bring about a revival in
this land. I would like to see more of an Emergent movement take place here in
Alaska. There's a lack of "church for the unchurched" type churches here in
Alaska, and yet, I feel that's the type of church that would be the most
beneficial and reap the most rewards in terms of furthering the Kingdom.
Basically, I find that there are two common themes in what I want to do: 1:
advocating on behalf of the oppressed, being a voice for the voiceless, and
offering hope to the hopeless and 2: impacting others for the Kingdom.

Now with all that said, I don't really feel that it's a matter of what
God's will is for me. I think he doesn't really have individual, specific wills
for each of us. While following God's will is, no doubt, the most important
thing, I also feel that God has given us a moral will (set out for us in the
Bible) for us to follow but beyond that I think his will is for us to actively
love him and pursue relationship with him. He leaves the rest of it up to us. I
once had a pastor that told me, Love God and do what you want. It resonated with
me. If you love God actively and whole-heartedly, you're likely not going to
intentionally do something outside his moral will. He's given us free will to do
what we want within his moral will. Does that make sense? I hope so. So I
strongly feel like whichever path I choose I will be within his will.

Prayer requests? Gosh, that's a good question - and an important one. I
guess I would say 1: pray that doors would opened that would guide to a decision
that's right for me; 2: pray that no matter which path I choose that it would be
a place where God is already working and I would join in work with him there; 3:
and this one is a little selfish and VERY honest so consider yourself warned,
but for a husband, someone to love, someone to argue with, someone to go through
all of the ups and downs with, someone to witness my life and for me to witness
their's, someone with whom I CAN (physically) live without but choose not to
live without, just someone to worship with and love God with. 4: for endurance
for these last 2 weeks of classes before break; and 5: that my break will be
rewarding, refreshing, and rejuvenating enough to carry me through next
semester.

So, yeah, this got a little long. Hopefully you made it this
far. I so appreciate your prayers and that we've been able to keep in contact
with each other since our blogs "met" over a year ago. Your prayers have been a
blessing, as well as your writing. Thank you.

I best get to doing some
homework.

Shalom, CJ

ya gheli du?

2006-11-28T21:58:00.000-09:00

That is Athabascan for, "Is it good with you?" I hope so. It is with me. For the most part. Thanksgiving was fantastic. I was able to get away from people for a few days while I was housesitting and that was a very welcome change. I spent Thanksgiving Day among friends who have become stranger (that is, even more strange than before) and strangers who have become friends. I did have my feelings hurt badly by a boy who is no older than 8 years old. And then I started to think about what the boy must be facing in his own life that would allow for him to say such a hurtful thing to someone whom he had never before met. And it broke my heart.

There was some sad news this weekend too. One of my friends, Millie, was set to be married in February to the father of her little girl. She has been busy making wedding plans and designing invitations and everything that goes along with it. Her fiance was found frozen on Sunday morning in a village way up north. I have not heard the details surrounding his death but I do know that his death is a tragedy and a mystery. He had been with her just the night before taking her on the back of his snowmobile from Noorvik to Kotzebue, about a 2 hour trip. Something devastating had to happen between that time and the time that he died. Just pray for her and his family. His name is Joe.

I saw a movie Friday night with my friend Jeff. Deja vu is a great movie and here is just a little piece of trivia for you: there is an ambulance in the movie and on the front of it where the license plate should be there is one of those dealer advertising tags, you know what I am talking about? Well, it is from Olathe Ford. Olathe, KS is a suburb of Kansas City; it neighbors with Overland Park, which is where I moved from to Alaska. It's an action-packed movie - a little sci-fi, a little thriller, a little crime, etc... It was kinda scary too, what they were "playing" with in the movie. See it and you'll know what I'm talking about.

I am working on a couple other posts, one of which I hope to have up by this weekend.

thanksgiving...

2006-11-22T12:04:00.000-09:00

Tomorrow is a day set aside each year for thanksgiving to God for the blessings in life that he has given unto us. I just wanted to take a minute and list only some of the things for which I am thankful:

friends - you are the family that I get to choose. I love you all, including my blog friends whom I have never met in person.
family - you are the friends that I don't get to choose. I miss my family immensely. I love you!
faith - it's not just believing in God, it's believing God (what he says, etc...); believing that he is who he says he is, he can do what he says he can do, I am who he says I am, that I can do all things through Christ, and that his Word is alive and active in me. I'm believing God!
memories - one in particular that I have been thinking about recently... My mom passed away in March of 2000. I remember a very specific group of special friends that gathered around me during that time to comfort and support me. I asked them to come to the hospital, about 15 of them I think, to be with me before she died and by the time they got there she had passed. Their presence there was so comforting for me. I will never forget you guys.
dreams - two of which I am living out every day (living in Alaska and going to Bible school).a warm place to stay this weekend - I am housesitting for some friends until Sunday. And they have a yellow lab named Sunshine.
for rest. Do I really have to elaborate on that?
for the Sabbath - rest for the soul and an opportunity to grow in intimacy with God.
for opportunities to serve others and in doing so, serve the Lord.
for love.

I could seriously go on and on and on with this for a long time. But those are the most important things to me right now.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, old friends and new, family or not. I love you. I will not be on again until Sunday.

casting stones...

2006-11-18T20:24:00.000-09:00

Chapter 8 of the biblical book of John tells a story of a woman, a prostitute to be specific, who was brought before the crowd to be judged. The Pharisees looked at Jesus and told him that the law demands that they stone such a woman and asked him what his thoughts were on the matter. I love what he had to say, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." He exhibited the ultimate in love and compassion toward the woman. Everyone standing around her already with stones in their hands, dropped the stones they were holding and began to walk away leaving Jesus alone with the woman. When all the others had left, Jesus spoke tenderly to her and told her that since no one else condemned her neither would he. And he commanded her to leave her life of sin.

This is the biblical model of grace that we should be following. But instead we are so quick to judge with our stones built of accusations and harsh words clutched firmly between our fingers ready to be cast. We stand gathered around the accused in a throng of pious and proud law followers trying desperately to hide the indiscretions we ourselves committed not hours before. We cling to the comfort of the crowd believing that there's strength in numbers. We say to each other that we can't believe how far the person fell from grace and we would never be able to do such terrible things.

And then we are called out either by Jesus himself or by someone who has decided to advocate on behalf of the accused and give voice to the voiceless. We are reminded that we will be judged the same amount that we have judged others and the measure we give out is the measure we ourselves will receive. And we remember that grace has no boundaries. It is infinite and unconditional and perfect. And really the person has fallen to grace and not away from it. We are the ones who have fallen away from grace and tried to define it and put boundaries around it. And who are we to do that? Who are we period?

One of my favorite authors, Donald Miller, says in his book Blue Like Jazz that we are all capable of committing the sins that we self-righteously claim we could never possibly have the ability to commit: murder, adultery, etc... You know, the "big" sins. But really sin is sin is sin. A lie is just as bad as murder and stealing is just as bad as sexual immorality. Billy Graham even said, "Everyone has a little Watergate in him."

I am so tired of hearing people, those who call themselves Christians, casting verbal stones at those who have fallen off the spiritual pedestals that we ourselves put them on and into the darkness of the abyss below, those who seem to have proven their humanity in what we think are the "worst" ways. I agree that we are to hate the sin and love the sinner, but how is judging them loving them? It isn't. Instead of casting stones what we should be doing is putting an arm around our fellow brother (or sister) and saying, "Jesus has not condemned you and you know what? Neither do I. Come with me and tell me how I can pray for you. Tell me how I can best love you where you are and love you past the pain of where you are and into the light again." If it were you, what would you prefer?

nightmares...

2006-11-06T13:37:00.000-09:00

I have had some pretty scary dreams lately. I have had 3 dreams since the start of the semester in which I was possessed. The first one was the scariest and I had it once before - during Spring semester. In my dream I was staying the night at my dad's house back in Kansas. In the dream I was possessed and was being levitated off the bed and was hovering up near the ceiling looking down. There was lightning in the room and all kinds of loud noise. The next morning, in my dream, my dad asked if I was okay the night before. I guess I didn't remember because I said that I was. He told me that he heard me yelling, "I will worship your principalities and bow to you, the Prince of Darkness," and that kind of stuff. It must have been a Sunday in my dream because we went to church after that. The church in my dream was in a mall for some reason. And I was sitting in the front row. The pastor started talking about something and I started cackling and was levitated again and floated out into the mall and was swooping down and picking up children and dropping them over the 2nd floor railing and was laughing the whole time. Then I woke up. Like I said, I have had that one twice and woke up at the same time both times. There was another one, the one I had last night, in which I was killing children. I don't remember all the details but just that I was killing them.

I have prayed for God to protect my dreams and to protect my mind while I sleep and have had others pray the same thing for me while laying hands on me. I am really scared about all of this. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I am seriously scared. I can't even put it into words accurately, how scared I am. Please pray for me.

a butterfly emerging...

2006-10-28T18:04:00.000-08:00

I was watching Lost the other day (because it's what I do lately) - a disc from the first season - and something in the show spoke to me. John Locke was explaining something to Charlie Pace in the show. Charlie was trying to detox from drugs and had given them to John to hold. John told Charlie that if he asked him for them 3 times that he would give them back to him, but only after the third time. I think it was after the second time Charlie asked him for the drugs when John imparted some words of wisdom to him. They were standing in the jungle and there was a coccoon. John pointed to it and pointed out the whole at the top of the coccoon. He explained that the moth inside was about to emerge and he was furiously working to find his way out of the cocoon. John continued that he could help the moth get free by ripping open the coccoon and set the insect free. The moth would fly for a while but it wouldn't be strong enough to make it. It would soon get weary and die. Charlie walks away without his drugs for the second time.

That illustration really resonated with me. Sometimes we wonder why we struggle so furiously and for so long on some things while our struggles with other things come and go quickly. We are a lot like moths - I like butterflies better because they're prettier (even though moths are supposedly stronger). We are stuck inside these coccoons that we have built for ourselves trying to work our way out of them. In much the same way as a marathon runner trains, our working our way out is also training. If a runner tried for a marathon too soon, they would be too weak to make it and would not be able to finish the race (that in itself is a spiritual analogy). If God simply ripped open the coccoon, or took us away from struggle before we were ready, we would not be ready to face the world. We would be faced with things that we would not be strong enough to take on. So as much as it pains him to see us wrestle and struggle and hurt, he knows it's for our own good. He knows we have to figure some things out on our own, and wrestle and fight through the mess of coccoon that's keeping us back from flying free. He knows that in time we will be a butterfly emerging and break through the barrier and we will fly. And we will be strong. And we will live.

my life lately...

2006-10-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

Since my last post:

My belt is one notch tighter. That's two whole notches since before school started.My dad celebrated 55 years this last Tuesday. Happy birthday Poppa! I love you soooo very much!
I studied madly for a midterm only to discover that it was being postponed for two weeks.
I am taking on a new role here at Alaska Christian College. Every weekday at noon someone shares their story or testimony with the group and then we pray for that person. I decided that on the days that no one is signed up I want to share the world's "story," or current events to keep everyone current on what's happening outside our somewhat sheltered community. And what better way for me to feel like I am actively doing something about this world for which I am burdened than to increase awareness and then to pray? I do my first one this Tuesday. Pray for me.
I was able to share my heart with a couple people who aren't believers this last week. Both are people that had previously told me that they didn't want to hear about my faith or beliefs. And both later came and asked me questions about it.
I bought a purity ring for a girl here on campus and gathered her closest friends around and actually planned a ceremony for her when I gave it to her. It was one of the coolest things I have ever done in my entire life. Afterwards, we all layed hands on her and prayed for her and for her future husband and family.
A week ago yesterday, I let someone I had been out with several times kiss me for the first time. On the beach. Under a clear sky full of a trillion stars and a visible Milky Way.
I told the same man last Tuesday that I couldn't see him anymore. If I wouldn't want my best friend to date him, why would I date him? And he had completely led me to believe that he was someone that he's not. I hate it when they do that. Better now than later when I would have been more emotionally invested.I have doubted my own judgment. I thought I knew him well enough to know his character and then was completely horrified to discover what was underneath the biblical wisdom, the theological and intellectual conversations, and him making me feel like the only girl in the world. He was not at all the person I thought he was, and what does that say about my judgment of character? Were there other signs that should have clued me in? What if my, for lack of a better word, "bullshit detector" (sorry Poppa) is permanently faulty? Will I be able to get my money back?
On the flip side of that though I have also recognized the growth in my life in this area. Five years ago, being the lost girl that I was, I would have put up with it and justified his actions. To realize that I am not her anymore, and, more importantly, that I am me and who I am is a fantastic and liberating feeling.
I laughed until I had a headache last night with Aune and Louisa at Veronica's. They are both so very good for my soul. It had been so long since I had laughed that much. And today... my sides hurt.
I have watched the entire first season of Lost on dvd and have started the second season.
I have missed, and still miss, my best friend Nida so much that it aches. I haven't seen her since Christmas or talked to her for a month and even that was strained. I miss the relationship that we had when we lived close to each other. She now lives in New Orleans.
I talked to my sister Lisa and my niece Anevay on the phone the other day. It only made me miss home even more, especially when Anevay told me that she loves me and misses me.
I took a friend to the airport. He's left for Iraq for 18 months. Pray for Cameron.
I painted nails and watched and enjoyed a Strawberry Shortcake movie and then a Barbie movie with my little friend Megan on Thursday night. In a way this helped me rediscover the little girl in me. Not only the little girl, but the "girly-girl," the very feminine girl who is begging for the world to notice her and tell her that she's captivating.
I walked down to the river yesterday with a friend from whom I had been feeling somewhat disconnected. We had real conversation and I discovered some things about her that I hadn't known before. It reinforced for me how much we all need prayer and to feel loved and like we belong.

I could go on and on but these are just a few morsels, only a taste, of my life recently. Most of them are wrapped up in who I am in Christ and speak about where I am on this great big journey.

refining and affirming...

2006-10-13T21:54:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I haven't been posting lately is because I have had a general feeling of unworthiness. Unworthy to be in Alaska doing what I am doing; unworthy at writing about Christian spirituality because, after all, I am no theologian; and unworthy to lead. I have been struggling a lot lately with what I am going to do after this year and it's still 7 months away yet. I want to continue my education and design my own major in Christian Leadership but I also feel called to do ministry whether it's here at Alaska Christian College or somewhere else in Alaska or somewhere else entirely. I feel as though God has gifted me with a burden for the oppressed. I want to advocate on behalf of the broken, to give a voice to the voiceless. I read about one.org or other similar social justice campaigns and it makes me want to quit everything I am doing and just go help them. I strongly feel that it's for a reason that I have such a burden. Not everyone would be willing, nor feel called, to go whereever that endeavor might take them.

On the flip side of this, I have also been struggling recently with my attitude. I don't feel as though my attitude always matches the burden of my heart. In other words, my pride largely gets in the way of the love that I am burdened to show to people. This realization has just absolutely gripped me over the last couple days and has brutally held me captive. I found myself absolutely wrecked last night because of this. There's a small group of us here on campus that do Bible study and prayer and accountability together and when we met last night I had them pray over me. And even as I said these words I hesitated because I know the importance of what I was saying: "Pray that God would break me. Pray that he would humble me and smash my pride." And the first evidence of that came rolling down my face in seemingly endless liquid form. Their prayers for me went up to heaven and they gave me words of encouragement, along the lines of It takes humility to realize this about yourself, let alone admit it and ask God to fix it. I wasn't completely convinced though I was slightly less hard on myself.

Last night I went to talk to one of my RAs, with whom I have had a fairly hard time getting along. Neither of us knows what it is about the other that sets us off but we have had a couple run-ins, nothing too major. And I always try to go back and talk with her once we've walked away and tried to gain some clarity on things. Anyhow, I went to her and told her what I had been feeling and asked her to help keep me accountable on having a humble spirit and being broken in general. She was floored that I even thought to ask her and when I explained to her that I never thought of anyone else she was even more shocked. I went to her because I knew she wouldn't be afraid to hurt my feelings and I think that, in a way, is what I need right now - not hurt feelings necessarily, but just someone that won't hesitate to hold that mirror up to me when I need it. I am closer to some of the other RAs and because of that I knew they would be more hesitant to approach me or hold the flame to me, or the mirror to me, whatever you want to call it (I have heard it called so many different things). I have asked one in particular to do this for me before and she hasn't quite fulfilled what I was looking for. And I knew that this RA still loved me but didn't have as much to risk, if that makes any sense.

So she said that she would be glad to help me in this. And I reiterated to her my feelings of unworthiness and how much I desired my attitude to more closely match the attitude of Jesus. And told me that when we've gone on service projects she has seen just the opposite in me - she has seen that I do mostly convey the love and spirit of Jesus to those we are serving at the time. And I can see some of that myself but I want that heart and that spirit all of the time - not just when I am serving. I have this bitterness that seems to have taken up residence in me. A lot of the times it hides away in its room somewhere but every once in a while it comes out. I hate that part of myself. It's ugly. It's cancerous. And this is the part of me that I want God to burn out of me with his Refiner's Fire. I can be so loving and so other-focused one day and then walk away and feel like a complete fake or phony because I remember how I reacted the day before to someone else. And I will feel like everything I just did for someone else is cancelled out or worthless. She prayed over me again for the fire to come and burn out all the ugliness and bitterness that still has hold of me. We both cried a little and then went to bed.

Today I went to serve at a high security prison here in town. There was a team of us that went to do a chapel service for the inmates. I remember as we approached the prison in the van, as everyone else was talking about how nervous and scared they were, I was completely calm. I wasn't scared or nervous. I knew what I was there to do and that was to convey God's perfect beautiful unconditional love for all of us. The chapel service went so smoothly. Afterwards we met with the chaplain in a conference room for a debriefing session. I sat across the table from him and the RA that I had talked to last night sat to my left. The chaplain looked across the table directly at me and said, "Christina, you're feeling unworthy to do what you've been called to do. You don't need to feel unworthy because you are worthy. You have a calling to serve and you're fulfilling a special purpose and God will use you. Don't ever forget that." I had never had a conversation with this man and here he was speaking directly to a struggle that I had been having. I looked at my RA and she looked at me and we both knew that it was God. I nearly cried. He had no idea that what he had just said meant so much to me. That was powerful affirmation to me. Even as I write this it's absolutely so amazing to me how God uses strangers to speak powerful truths into our lives when we least expect it. It was incredible. I had heard of God working like that in other peoples' lives but not really my own. So yet again, this Mysterious and Magnificent God is finding new ways to reveal himself to me, to speak to me, to love me, to blow me away. And tonight my heart is less proud and more humble, less hard and more broken, less stone and more flesh. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

I just ask that you all join me in prayer about this. I ask you all to be accountability partners with me on this. I urge you to ask me how I am doing on this. I want you to ask me. I need you to ask me. Not only for my sake but for the sake of the voiceless, the oppressed, the needy, the lost. You're all beautifully and intentionally created. And I love you.

feeling october...

2006-10-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

I was on retreat this last weekend in Big Lake, AK. I wrote this Saturday night as I was sitting outside under a ceiling of bright blue, looking out across the perfectly still lake at a backdrop of gorgeous orange and yellow trees against mountains capped with snow. I was writing this and my friend walked by and told me how beautiful I was at that moment and I truly felt it's truth in that moment. It was glorious and it inspired this.

it's all around me now
autumn surrounds me.
the trees are tired and give up their leaves
and drop them into the past
knowing they wouldn't last.
they wouldn't survive what's coming.
so in moments, luminous and stunning
i watch them fall
in shades of red and orange, green and gold;
vibrant glimpses of seasons past
now in graceful heaps, colorful and bold.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i bring to you my own leaves,
leaves of red and orange, green and gold
boasting, "aren't they beautiful? aren't they bold?"
and with that, there comes a wind
and i am met with season's end.
i am left naked, humbled, and numb.
it serves as a reminder to me
that only from you all good things come.
and i hear someone tell me i'm still beautiful
and i feel its truth sink in.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

i breathe you in and i breathe me out
as another part of me's exhaled.
and just like the seasons
i have not changed, but i am changing.
as a little more of me each day is paled
and a little more of the color of you begins to take its place.
i look within and see the many ways that i am blessed
and that only in you, my weary soul finds rest.
i feel the subtle shift as my ugly nakedness
is replaced with the hues of your exquisite grace.

and now i hear it whispered in the trees
and i feel it coming on the breeze,
this gorgeous love you have for me.
and i am drowning in the romance
as my soul begins to dance.
i am seeing you in my spirit's reflection
as my heart begins its introspection.
your vibrant love for me takes over
and i am feeling october.

read my label...

2006-09-27T21:48:00.002-08:00

I am sure you've all read the Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that I've had in my Profile section since the beginning of this blog: "Who am I? Whoever I am, you know me, O God; you know I am your's." The full meaning of this quote hit me today and it means even more to me now than it did before.

So today I was sitting here at the computer, filling out yet another one of those survey type things, and something hit me. None of this matters! It doesn't matter what I ate last, said last, who I hugged last. It doesn't matter how many friends I have on MySpace or how many people read this blog. It doesn't matter that I can't eat anything without dropping or dribbling something on my shirt (it's almost inevitable). It doesn't matter that I am caucasian. It doesn't matter even that I am a Christian or that I am female. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go to school. It doesn't matter what music I love or that I love to read and write. What does matter is that I am God's. All the other things are just labels that everyone else has just put on me. The only label I want is the one that God gave me. And it says, Warning: Property of God! All that other stuff is irrelevant.

hi...

2006-09-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

Allow me to introduce myself in case some of you have forgotten who I am. I am CJ and yeah, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I have been busy living life and having it more abundant. I've survived the stomach flu and a sinus infection. I've gotten my hair chopped off. I have bangs now. I haven't had bangs for probably 15 years - at least. There's just a few side-swept bangs. It's cute. Thinking about going shorter though. I will post a current picture as soon as I can get one taken (will be soon). I've reconnected with old friends and made new ones. Said goodbye to a friend last week. He was here volunteering on campus and his time here was done. I've started my Public Relations job and I love it so far. And I love my boss. She's the coolest. I have been able to keep up with all of my homework while working 20 hours/week. I have read a lot. I have watched a couple movies. The girls and I had a slumber party here on campus. I have made plans to go out for sushi tomorrow night. I am housesitting again. I have journaled. I have returned to junior high and made a bunch of those collages using photos and cutouts from magazines. I could go on but this is good for now.

I have a post in the works that I hopefully will get up soon. Just wanted you all to know that I am actually alive. I've missed you guys.

light in a darkened world...

2006-09-09T23:30:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. It was long and exhausting and hard work, but ah... it was so good.

I worked at a soup kitchen today called Bean's Cafe in downtown Anchorage, Alaska. And I had such a good time. I got there at 9am and at breakfast and then just helped out where they needed me. I helped make lunch: soup, moose stroganoff, salad, bread, and dessert. We had the classic rock blaring as we worked. We sang. We danced. We goofed around. We had fun together. And as good as things are, more importantly, we served. We loved the poor and needy. We treated them like they should be treated everyday: as the intentional creations of God that they are.

It was so wonderful for me to just sit and eat and talk to some of them and hear their stories, where they've been, what they've experienced in life. It is true that I gave them something that to them is beyond valuable - my time, my ears, my love. But it is also true that they gave me something also - the reminder that we are God's plan to bring light into a darkened world, the reminder that they are the reason that the God of the universe became flesh and died on a cross so that they could live forever with him in Heaven one day, the reminder that all of God's people are beautiful, and the reminder that even though I might think it sometimes (and it sickens me to even think of admitting this) I am not better off than they are, nor am I better than them on any level. What they gave me is far greater in value than what I gave them.

Having served in soup kitchen's or homeless shelters a few years back, I had forgotten what it felt like to go and be a light where life's storms had clouded out the sun. It felt so good. It still does. I hope to join them again on Thanksgiving Day with some friends of mine.

Other things I did today included:

learning that I can still, after several years of not trying, do a perfect one-handed cartwheel
hanging out with some cool kids at Birchwood Community Christian School
watching a sunrise that was painted with colors of a cowboy cliche while listening to John Mayer sing about sunrises painted in the colors of cowboy cliches in his song "3x5"
Eskimo dancingcalling a friend just to say, "I love you."
getting caught up on some much-needed blog-reading time
soaking in the love of Christ through fully receiving the love of others
feeling, and even leaning into, some of the pain of the surgery I mentioned in the blogpost immediately previous to this one
loving all my blog friends from afar

pray for me as i undergo surgery...

2006-09-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

So yeah, God is showing me things about myself again. I actually asked him tonight to do surgery on me, specifically in the area of how I relate to him. And yeah, that was kinda scary. I have had actual surgery once. Five years ago, on my knee. And that was incredibly painful. This surgery I am talking about now is spiritual surgery - on my heart. Open heart surgery if you will.

I haven't been relating to God in healthy ways. While my picture of him has healed significantly over the last year, he brought it to my attention tonight that there's more to do. And there's not just a simple quick-fix for the problem either. It's going to be painful. And it will require perseverance on my part, following the Doctor's orders explicitly, doing all the rehab necessary, etc... In a way I am kinda excited about it.

In other news, I started the Believing God study by Beth Moore today with my friend and mentor Debbie, the wife of the president of the college. We watched a 50-minute video for the first session and already I am blown away by the profundity of what I learned and what I have yet to learn. She was talking about the promised land and what that looks life for us today and on earth. My promised land, and your's too, is a place where my theology meets my reality. They aren't separate. But I so often live like they are separate, like I am just waiting or passing time until I get to the Promised Land. So another prayer of mine this year would be that my theology and my reality begin to coalesce.

I bought myself a blue bracelet today. And now you're thinking, "Why is that blog-worthy?" And now I will tell you why. In Numbers 15, the Israelites are instructed to wear tassels on their garments with blue cords attached to each tassel to remind them of God's commands and to obey them and they will be consecrated. And elsewhere in the Bible it says that it shall be written on the right hand: "I am the Lord." So Debbie and I are combining the two passages and wearing blue bracelets on our right hands to remind us that He is God, that He is the Lord. We talked about doing just blue cords since that's what they wore on their tassels; but I wanted something a little more wearable, a little more feminine.

And yet another prayer of mine this year is that God would transform my noun belief into a verb of believing. I want to be active in believing in God and not just have a belief in him. Does that make sense? Most of all I really pray that this study would have deep effects in my spiritual walk that would send earthquakes throughout every aspect of my life.

There was a whole gammut of emotions that I went through today. And currently, I am content and at peace. Full of hope that God's promises and his Word will become real to me this year in never-before-seen ways. Full of life. Full of love.

monkeys and bait...

2006-09-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went hiking with 4 friends. We were crammed into Madame Blueberry, the little blue Neon, enjoying the blue skies and mountains around us. We were laughing hard. Then Cheryl out of nowhere says, quite randomly, "Sometimes I feel like a monkey, because those are the times that I don't think at all." Even more raucous laughter ensued. Later, while we were hiking she said, "I feel like bait," because there had been bear sightings just prior to our arrival and she was berry picking. I love that girl so much! Without her, my life would be much more dull.

I promise to return to more regularly scheduled programming very soon. Life has been so full for me lately that I haven't had time to update regularly. I need to settle into my new schedule/routine.

a very good year...

2006-08-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

Okay. My little break is over. But boy was it ever grand! Even more grand though is all the possibilities and promise that lie in the year ahead.

All the students came back last Thursday. It was so good to meet the new people and see the returning students again. I missed them so much. Already this year feels so much more different than last year. It's a difference that's palpable. I know I am going to love this coming year and this coming year is going to love me.

I am taking Art Appreciation. It's taking the place of Peace Studies, a Philosophy 300 level class that was cancelled due to lack of interest. We met for the first time tonight and I went in excited and I came out intimidated. I thought it was going to be mostly art theory and history. And it is that. But we will also be actually doing art. And that terrifies me. I was so close to walking out within the first 15 minutes after learning that we would actually be doing art. But a small part of me said "Stay. Learn. Stretch. Grow." And for once in my life the small part of me won over. I am actually a little bit looking forward to the class now. It's already changed my perspectives on some things, and that's only after a 2 hour lecture. And I am taking Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling and Film as Literature (aka Film Noir). These 3 classes I am taking at Kenai Peninsula College - a branch of University of Alaska-Anchorage. And I am taking Ministry Practicum here at Alaska Christian College. I am really looking forward to the lighter 12-hour load this semester compared to Spring's heavy 21 credits.

I have a new job. As of today I am the new Community Relations Assistant at Kenai Peninsula College. It's 20 hours/week and I think it will be an awesome opportunity to learn new skills and get connected to my new community outside of Alaska Christian College.

This year I plan to:

have more fun than I did last year. I was so focused on studying and getting good grades and being on the SALT team that I missed out on a lot of fun stuff. This year will be different. It's okay to play. I have to remember that.
focus more on relationships. The biggest thing that I missed out on last year was people and relationships. I want my relationships with people to be my most treasured possessions. Already the dynamic between others and me is different - in a very good, rich, and rewarding way.
maybe even get in a little bit of trouble. Not big trouble Poppa, don't worry! But if I get written up for sneaking off campus to go to Sal's with the girls after lockup then that's one more memory that I will have made and who knows how many friendships solidified. Last year I was too legalistic. I was appalled at even the idea of breaking the rules.
start tithing on a regular and consistent basis. It is something I have heard about my whole life but recently it seems like it's being driven in, you know? I have lived so selfishly in the past and that part of me is ugly like a cancer.
become more of an artist - in the visual arts form. I have always been fairly self-conscious about my artistic abilities (my sister Lisa took the limelight in this area). In a way, I have been neglecting the artist that truly does live inside of me. We're all artists.
live deeply and love well and live well and love deeply. 'nough said.
continue to travel into uncharted territory in my relationship with my Lover, my Creator, and my Saviour.

Yes. It's going to be a very good year.

the whole of me...

2006-08-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

Queasy from the rocking of the boat I get up from my perch on the bough and hang my head over the rail. I feel the wind of traveling at 16 nauts braise my skin. It will be chafed tomorrow with windburn but for now I don't care. It feels good and seems to blow the nausea right out of me. The blue-green of the ocean below stares back mockingly. Just beneath the surface I can see translucent blobs of jellyfish float past. Up ahead the sea otter that's in the water lifts his head from its liquid pillow to see us looming towards him. He languidly rolls over and dives deep into the blue to avoid being hit or being sucked into the ship's engines.

I look to my left and see thousands of puffins nesting in the hundreds of crevasses in the bluffs that have been carved out by nature over thousands of years. Just a few thousand years ago a glacier had been there and then when it melted it carved this beautiful landscape. I notice the deep recesses in the rock, almost like caves, and can see how they have formed by the way the water smashes against them in their farthest and darkest corners. The caves and rock formations seem to be my favorite parts of this cruise through Kenai Fjord National Park. While the eyes of the others on board with me scan the waters for orca whales or other sealife, I find my own eyes continually search the shoreline for an even more beautiful formation than the last and, to my delight, each time they do only get better.

From nowhere, or probably not from nowhere, I am struck with the realization that this entire landscape and those rocks especially are a lot like my life. Not so long ago, although it seems like it sometimes, a glacier had been in the place where my heart now beats. Due to the Son's light and nature the glacier melted leaving in its wake a constant stream of Living Water rushing through me. It was a stream of Water so forceful that over time it carved out ugly spots that were hard as rocks and left them nothing but open and cleansed, beautiful rooms in which the Water could ebb and flow and move about freely.

The Water still looks for and finds other spots that need carving out and immediately goes to work. The process is sometimes slow and painful but always necessary in order for the Water to feel as though it has free reign within the jagged walls of my life. There are deep caverns of which it is impossible to see the farthest wall and these are the places where the most work is needed. They are where ugliness and harshness have rooted their way deep into my core, or where the glacier hasn't completely thawed out yet and there are still hard frozen remnants of an ice age long ago, a time when there was no life, only merely survival. Slowly the Light reaches those places and together with the Water the ice recedes and new life begins. It is in the deepest parts of me where I and the Water are the most intimate, where we come and work together in a holy union. Me, so eager and willing to have more room to offer the Water in which to dwell; my hard surfaces and sharp edges so pliable and obedient to the Water's chiseling; always wanting more, never feeling satisfied with the amount of space that the Water already occupies. The Water, desiring deeply to inhabit every part of me, and waiting patiently knowing that someday I will break completely and offer to it the whole of me.

My head hangs over the rail, heavy and spinning. This time it's not the rocking of the boat; it's a combination of the rush of the Water within me cleansing out yet another part of me together with the life-giving knowledge that someday all the ice and ugly spots will be washed out completely that seem to knock my equilibrium off kilter. The Water is not done with me yet. It might take a while. But I am surprisingly okay with that as long as I know the Water is there to sustain me. I know the Water won't stop rushing because it whispered it to me.

the next couple weeks...

2006-08-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

After tomorrow I am taking a break before school starts up again in just a couple weeks. I am housesitting (and pet-sitting) at a beautiful log cabin that's fairly secluded and sits on a lake and is surrounded by trees. The other day there were two moose chillin' out and eatin' in the backyard. Pip, one of the dogs, was barking at them. They would just look at him like, "Yeah, just watch me come over there and stomp you." It was funny.

So the next couple weeks will be full of:

lots of rest
daily walks
reading several books: The Life of Pi (finishing it), So I Go Now (finishing it), and starting Velvet Elvis, to which I have been greatly looking forward
music on the iPod
doing lots of introspection, reflecting on the last year, the summer, thoughts for the coming year, where I am, where I am going, and motives; all this introspection will hopefully no doubt inspire lots of...
journaling and writing in general
devouring the Bible - I plan to start a one-year plan to read it in chronological order
some movie- and tv-watching
playing with the dogs
just playing
and if I have anything to do about it, it will hopefully be full of transparent fellowship - me doing life with others, others doing life with me.

It's gonna be an awesome couple of weeks. I don't know how often I will be posting so know that I haven't forgotten about anyone if you don't hear from me and know that I will be back in bloggerland shortly. Love you all!

ah, the good ol' days...

2006-08-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my friend Andrea's birthday. We were eating dinner last night and she started a sentence with, "Back when I was a teenager..." Yesterday was her 20th birthday.

some of my brokenness...

2006-08-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

This week I have been helping a friend through a crisis in her life. Today as I was talking to her I teared up. I was telling her that her identity does not lie in that situation, that it in no way defines who she is. I told her that God knew she would face this one day and he still thought her valuable enough to send his son to die on a cross for her. I told her that this makes her no less valuable - to me or to God or to those that really love her. I cried because I was reminding myself of the same things. It was a reminder that I am not my mistakes, that I am deeply loved by lots of people despite them. That's something I seem to forget all too easily sometimes.

Last week I was hanging out with a friend that I had just met. It was Friday night and we'd had several conversations over the course of the week and he was leaving the next day. He told me, "I really admire you because you listen simply for the sake of listening and not to try to figure out what you're going to say next. That's so rare and I love it. At the beginning of this week when I met your friend Venessa I was interested in her. She's very attractive. But the more I talked to her, the more I realized that she had no substance to her. In the end, it's you that I have been so impressed by more and more every day this week. The more I talk to you the more I want to talk to you." I nodded and averted my eyes so that he wouldn't see them start to leak. And then he said, "I hope that doesn't offend you. I don't want to offend you." I shrugged it off and said something like, "No, not at all." But in my heart I was hurting. He was telling me that while I had substance, he didn't find me attractive even in a platonic way. (By the way, let me just add here that he wasn't someone that I was interested in romantically; he was just a friend, someone with whom I'd had some good conversations over the previous few days.) And he said that he was surprised by me, refreshed that he'd been able to spend so much time with someone that he didn't find attractive at all, and how much value he saw in me because I am such a good listener, etc...

All I really wanted to do was walk away but instead I listened to him, because after all that's who I am - a good listener. I let the lie sink in. I believed that I wasn't attractive, that I was only valuable because of who I am on the inside and not because I have external beauty to go with it. I am still thinking about it - almost a week later. And I think I am stuck on it. So much lately I have been frustrated that people don't look past external appearances to the person underneath. They don't look at people the way God sees them. "For man looks on the outward appearance, but Christ looks at the heart." Even though my friend said that he had found value in who I am inside, he negated it with the comments on my outward appearance. And he told me that he would call me Sunday or Monday when he got back home and that he hoped we would stay in touch. But he never called me; he's called my friend Venessa, the attractive one, a few times now. And this sent me another message: even if I do have substance, what good is it anyway? He still chose to pursue more of a romantic relationship with physical beauty instead of a friendship with inner beauty. I am broken right now. It seems I need someone to remind me of my worth, that my identity doesn't lie in outward appearances. You can tell me that all you want, but right now I am just really broken and I won't believe it. This is where I am.

Why do I seem to struggle with this issue so much?

colors of life...

2006-07-31T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have a new favorite playground. You can play with the different magnetic poetry kits and submit poems online. It's oh so much fun! I wrote this poem there this morning:

I will...
Investigate deep water
Imagine more
Compose joy
Create fiery impressions
Sing a masterpiece of love
Paint life in bold blue and green
Open up my pain
Know balance
Live in rhythm
Sense grace
Capture movement
Anchor my purpose
Breakthrough the miasma
Question my world
Give myself fully to art and beauty
Paint vivid metaphors with drunk color
Be an icon of love
Demand harmony
Sculpt silhouettes of electric purple
Feel the sunrise
Experience true freedom
Dream music, soft and free
Feel wildly original
Dust off my heart
Model inner beauty
Drink in youth
Experience wisdom
Ask why
Witness a miracle daily
Shimmer with life and
Dance like light on water
Observe life unfolding
And I will not waste passion.

prayer summit...

2006-07-31T10:54:00.000-08:00

I have a couple friends, Jeff and Marcus, climbing Mt. Rainier this week. Please keep them in your prayers that God would protect them from danger. Both are experienced mountaineers but even seasoned climbers have accidents. Wouldn't it be awesome if when they got back they mentioned that they could feel the power of prayer protecting them? They have attempted Rainier twice before but have not been able to summit due to extreme weather conditions so this is their third attempt. Let us also pray that they would be able to summit this time around. Thanks.

who i always wanted to be...

2006-07-30T00:33:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to be one of those people who:

could get away with wearing just about anything without feeling self-conscious.
could get away with having a short funky hairstyle or no hair at all and still look fabulous.
suddenly decided one day, after living their whole life in the same city, that they needed or wanted to move.
wakes up on any given day and says, "Hmm... I think I will buy an (insert spendy item here: ipod, a really good digital camera, a new tv, season tickets to something, etc...) today." And then go plunk down the cash and not have any qualms about it.
decides to travel the world and they just do it without thinking twice.
had the ability, both physical and financial, to take extended leave from work and do something for themselves like hike the entire Appalachian Trail or go on the Camino to Santiago Pilgrimage.
could write something that had the potential to change peoples' lives.
could eat anything they wanted to and not worry about figuring out how far they have to walk to burn that number of calories.
have people say of them, "She looks amazing for her age, doesn't she?" or something else like that.
is quirky in a completely interesting and intriguing sort of way.
has an amazing voice and sings like an angel.
can sit in the sun for any amount of time and not worry about looking like a lobster when they go inside.

But I love the me I have become more than the idea of even the possibility of becoming anyone of the above. I have become the best me I can be, the me that God created me to be.

perhaps the most beautiful words i've ever heard...

2006-07-26T00:13:00.000-08:00

I was out tonight with a friend who has not been walking with God and has found himself addicted to drugs and believing God exists but not trusting in him at all because of a past experience. We were engaged in deep philosophical and theological discussion. He was trying to make excuses and justify himself. I was able, nay God was able to speak through me and somehow get through to him. At the end of our discussion I told him that God is passionately pursuing him and always has been and that he'd rather be right about God and life than happy. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can't believe I am going to say this but it has only just now occurred to me that I want to trust God. And you've convinced me to give him a chance, to spend one day with him this week praying and asking him to change me. Deep in my heart I know that you're right, that it really has nothing to do with God but it all comes back to that one experience with that woman that I loved and we both loved God. It all comes back to that. I will give him a chance this week and spend a day with him." And I nearly lost it right there. Those words were so beautiful! I told him to think about what happened to him today and to realize that he's been given a second chance. Right before noon today he fell 10 feet from a ladder and landed smack on the concrete and hit his head. And he walked away with nothing more than a sprained ankle. When I worked in ICU and ER, for a year each, I saw falls from a lot lower heights kill people. The paramedics that came to the scene when I called 9-1-1 were amazed at his condition. I told him to try to tell me that it was just a fluke thing, that it was luck and that God had nothing to do with it. He couldn't tell me that.

So now I make a plea to you all... Please join me in praying for my new friend Tim. He's here on a mission trip from Arvada, CO.

a man and his music...

2006-07-22T23:27:00.000-08:00

I wrote this today for a friend that had a horrible night last night.

In a room that's empty
Save for the darkness and a silence so loud it's deafening
A man sits, clinging desperately to his guitar
As though he's drowning and it is his only lifeline.
He's trying to find resolution in his heart
By searching through all the words;
He neglects the empty ones and
Chooses carefully only the words that fill him with meaning.
He sends them up into the night -
Soulful and sexy and aching,
Until he laid his words upon it like a blanket
With the music he was making,
Leaving it now only soulful and sexy.
The salve in his voice, smooth and breathy and warm like gauze,
Has soothed the ache that hung in the air
And replaced it with comfort and familiarity,
His words, rich from experience,
Wrap around the night
And lend it some ambience.
Soon his music swallows the darkness and
The room is bathed in mystical light.
It's a light that emanates from somewhere else,
Some place that's far beyond himself.
It's a place where hurting and healing collide,
Where brokenness and holiness reside,
Where truth and beauty are born from inside,
Where pain and hope abide,
Where love and danger coalesce,
And humanity and the divine coexist.
It's a place where all of these in his own life are illuminated;
And it's there that he realizes
That though he is not perfect,
He is perfectly flawed
And in response, Heaven and all its angels applaud.
This is the source of light that casts its glow
On a room that was empty
Save for the darkness falling and the silence calling,
Where a man clung to his guitar
Trying to save his own life from trivial things
And while doing so,
It was my life that he played on six strings.

what's been keeping me so busy...

2006-07-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

This week I am painting for work. Up on a roof that is steep in some places. And holy cow, let me tell you there's been a lot to paint up there. I've been up there all week and thought I would get done today but the rain is temporarily keeping completion at bay.

Back over Memorial Day, you might remember me posting about it, I went to Anchorage with Lisa. While there we met Justin, a 19 year-old kid from Minnesota who had been praying about coming up here for a while. God impressed it upon his heart to come up and he gave up a gig that would have had him touring all over Georgia with his band and opening for Relient K and some other bands. Music is his passion, second only to God, and so that sacrifice is of course a huge one. I remember when I met him how impressed I was that he was just a young kid, didn't know anyone at all, and yet he blended right in with our group. He jumped right in and included himself in conversations, which is scary and sometimes even when you know the people. And how impressed I was that he made such a huge sacrifice. It was like his Isaac. Anyhow, he was at Covenant Bible Camp in Unalakleet for 4 weeks as a counselor and is on his way to Bethel, AK next week to do 2 years of youth ministry there. He stopped here in Soldotna for 3 weeks to do some volunteer work. And let me tell you he's become one of my best friends. It's weird, I know. I can't believe that I feel so open with him and he's said the same thing about me. We have talked, quite literally, about everything. Everything. He's asked my opinion on some lyrics and taken my advice on some of it. I've shared some writings of my own with him. We've talked about exes and friendships gone bad and our childhoods. I helped him through a potential stalker situation. I don't know how many nights this week we will have started a movie and will just end up turning it off because we'll start talking again and will continue to do so until 3am or so. It's amazing to me how much he knows about me and still wants to learn more. The best part of all this is that he's completely safe. While he is an attractive guy, I am not attracted to him at all.

So that's what I have been so busy with this week that has kept me from posting. On Sunday we went to church together and the pastor spoke about rest and the sabbath and how important it is. Our challenge for the week was to find time to rest and he gave different pictures of what that might look like: reading a spiritual book, reading the Bible, just being still, finding renewal through conversation with friends, etc... On Sunday afternoon Justin and I went for a drive and the sky was low and dark and ominous in a beautiful sort of way. Justin looked at it and looked at me and said, "The sky is resting too." And I looked and it really looked as if it had fallen wearily into its heavenly bed and was laying there heavily. It was gorgeous! He's really opened my eyes to look at things from new perspectives. He challenges my faith and encourages me to grow every day. Already I treasure his friendship. I have been surprised with how many levels there on which we connect. It's so refreshing.

this week i...

2006-07-13T17:54:00.000-08:00

changed jobs
watched the first season of Northern Exposure and noticed how inaccurate it is in some ways and how accurate it is in others
discussed and debated for 2 hours what tithing and giving looks like today with about 25 other 20-30 somethings at a new Bible study I've started attending
contemplated life and spirituality for hours on end while staring into a fire for hours on end
took a drive
thought about how the majority of this huge state in which I get to reside is wilderness, pure and untouched by the world - no buildings, no civilization, no scars, its beauty still in its originally created state, habitats still intact; and then thought about humanity and how opposite that picture is for us.
realized how satisfying hard physical labor can be and how I never thought I would be one to say that
wondered, yet again, why we hide so much behind this facade of "I have it all together;" and decided that if I took my mask off and was completely honest and wore my brokenness "on my sleeve" I would look like a smashed windshield
went clamming in order to make clam chowder for dinner tonight
met a distant relative - my poppa's brother Doug and his wife Nancy live in Muskegon, MI and a team from their church is up here this week working on campus volunteering and Nancy's cousin Dick is on the team; it's so good to make connections
have been apalled at the fact that I have been here one month shy of an entire year and have yet to go fishing
mastered the weed eater; it's an art form, you know - my arms will be buff by then end of the summer from carrying that thing all over campus
gotten down about how far I have yet to go in completely healing from my past but then looked at how far I have come and basked in it
signed up for classes at Kenai Peninsula College, a branch of University of Alaska - Anchorage: Peace Studies, Film as Literature, Intro to Criminal Justice, Intro to Paraprofessional Counseling are my KPC classes, Ministry Practicum is my ACC class; and I am still hoping to do an independent study in dog mushing; next semester is Truth, Beauty and Goodness; Gender & Sexuality; Intro to Marriage, Family & Interpersonal Relationships; Personalities; and Philosophy II at KPC plus Expressions of Faith at ACC = another busy year but I hope to have my AA come May
got an email from an old friend I haven't seen or talked to in a few years
have been blessed once again by another full and rich week living in Christ

an amalgam...

2006-07-07T01:23:00.000-08:00

I don't have any one specific thing to post about. I lost my journal entry for the thoughts on prosperity post I was going to do so I am having to start over. So, since I don't have collective thoughts on any one subject, I now present you a post with many subjects - an amalgam. My weekend was incredible. It started at Veronica's on Saturday, about which you already read. The only thing that's different is that now my camera is back from vacation and has resumed work. I went back and recaptured the scene that I had posted about, minus the Bible and the journal, etc... You'll get the general idea though.

Saturday night Lisa and I decided that it had been too long since we had Taco Bell so we went, followed by a trip to the beach and then a spontaneous drive to Cooper Landing where we hiked around for a bit and then headed back into town around 11pm. Sunday morning I slept in and went to Bedside Baptist for church that morning. It was blissful. Then I decided to drive to Anchorage. I took my friend Cheryl along with me. We stopped at Portage Glacier on the way up and were blown away, yet again, by God's marvelous and magnificent creation.

We had tentative plans to stay with these incredible people there in Anchorage that night. But after trying all day I still couldn't get hold of them. Late that evening, when we stopped by Tom's on the off-chance that he'd be home, he informed us that the Hjelms' were out of town. No wonder I couldn't get hold of them. With a lack of a back-up plan, we spent the night in the car - a little, red Daewoo - parked in the church parking lot there in Anchorage. Cheryl slept and I tried. I just couldn't. But it was an adventure. My first time ever spending the night in a car and Cheryl's first time also. Like I said, it was certainly an adventure.

At 6am there was a group of high school boys running through the church parking lot making all kinds of noise. Cheryl woke up unwillingly. I decided it was time for breakfast so we drove to McDonald's where we brushed our teeth and made ourselves more presentable for the world. At 7:30 we were back in the car and on the road back to Soldotna. What should have taken 2 1/2 hours, we turned into a 7-hour trip, stopping where we wanted, taking pictures, relaxing, watching bears swim and other wildlife, taking detours (which there's only one "detour" you can take), etc...

We took the road to Hope, AK, a little village that we see from across the inlet every time we go to Anchorage. I have always wanted to go and so... we did. It was glorious! The entire 16-mile road was amazing and once again, I was blessed by what God had created. I was actually moved to tears that time. I saw some of the greenest greens and bluest blues and a tree that defied gravity.

We had lunch at a little cafe there in Hope where I had the BLT and homemade Hungarian Mushroom soup that was outta this world. Phenomenal! Back on the road and Cheryl settled in for a nap. I was exhausted by the time we got back home. I ate dinner and chilled out a little bit and then went to bed. I had some things I knew I wanted to do the next day so I made it an early night.

Tuesday, the 4th, I slept until about 2pm - much later than I wanted. Four years ago when my dad was living here and I came up to visit we had gone to Seward, AK on the 4th for their festivities. There was a marathon - up a mountain no less, street vendors, native arts and crafts, yummy food, and scenery like you wouldn't believe. It was tons of fun! So I wanted to go back again and watch everything happen again. But I slept in late that day and decided that since no one I had asked wanted to go with me I would just not go. Well, I wasn't having that. About 5:30 I was at some friends' house and decided what the heck, I'm not gonna let everyone else determine what I do or don't do. I'm gonna go anyways. So I got in the car and went, which for anyone can be a big deal and for me was a huge deal. I usually am so afraid I will miss something so I'll go along with everyone else and put my own desires aside. Or I would be so afraid or anxious of feeling awkward by myself. But that day was completely different. Hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. Again, the scenery was gorgeous and the time with God in the car without a radio was just as beautiful. I got there and walked around the town getting pictures and just people-watching. There was an Air Force band playing live there and they were really good. They did all cover stuff but still, very good. While I was listening to them I started a conversation with someone and when the band was done playing he said "Hey, let's go have dinner!" So we went to Ray's Waterfront Seafood and kept talking. He's a fisherman named Mike, originally from Seattle and was there by himself also. He was great company and the best part was that it was a completely harmless, no expectations kinda thing. We didn't exchange numbers or anything. We just had dinner and parted ways. It was perfect and it was exactly what I wanted to do on the 4th. So at 11:30 I decided I should head back home. Completely content and my tummy satisfied with yummy seafood and ice cream from Harbor Street Creamery. And I wasn't anxious at all about being alone; I was the best me I could be and it was incredibly freeing. The only thing I missed on the 4th were the fireworks. It doesn't get dark enough here.

Today I got to hang out with 10 fine young men from Alaska Military Youth Academy. There were 120 od them that were down from Anchorage doing community service stuff in the area and 10 of them came to the college to help out and serve. So a few of them helped me burn up huge wood piles while the others did other things on campus. They were so polite saying, "Ma'am, yes ma'am," and "No thank you ma'am" all the time. My favorite part was after we had all the wood on the fire we got to just sit around and talk. I got to know them pretty well the last couple hours or so. They were good kids and hard workers. Hanging out with them was such a blessing and hearing their dreams for the future and everything. There was only 1 or 2 Christians out of the bunch and to have some of them ask me questions about my faith and the college was such a cool thing. I was fed, really spiritually fed by all of it. And my desire to be a youth pastor resurfaced full-force when a few of them hugged me as they got on the bus. It was a good day.

achievement of perfection...

2006-07-01T18:09:00.000-08:00

I have always thought perfection something impossible to attain. But today I know otherwise. As I sat in the sun in my broken-in sweatshirt, capris, and Doc sandals, the breeze from the coast and the sun and the 65 degrees enveloped me. I was lounging outside that blissful place called Veronica's, sitting in one of two wooden chaise lounges (Jesus was sitting in the other) and drinking a strawberry blended tea smoothie thingy. The pungent fragrance of the oversized lilac bushes was overwhelming. The scenery was phenomenal. And to top it all off I was putting finishing touches on a devotional I was writing so I was spending transparent time with God in between naps and watching the surroundings. It was 3 uninterrupted hours of bliss. I now know it is possible to achieve perfection. Because, today, I did just that.

I realize this post would have been so much better with pictures and I even tried getting some. And they would have been glorious. But unfortunately my camera has decided to take a summer vacation as well and has ceased working, much to my dismay. It's only been under my employment for not quite a year. I am very disappointed and the closest Best Buy, where I hired it, is 3 hours away in Anchorage. So I see a road trip on the horizon.

one of the best experiences of my life...

2006-06-26T00:18:00.000-08:00

Let me just say that God has blessed me with some deep friendships with men of very high integrity recently. Last weekend I had been a little disappointed by the behavior of a couple of my friends. I had just gotten done telling one of them how much I appreciated his authenticity and transparency in his life, that I loved how he relates to people and brings them out. He told me that it was the best compliment he'd ever received. And the next day came the fall. I won't go into details but only that it made me question my own character that I would hang out with people who would do such things. I felt like a fool for paying him that compliment; I felt as though I had been snowed.

And then last night the two of them showed up here after driving 3 hours to apologize to all the parties involved. They were very humble and asked for forgiveness. They were incredibly remorseful over how they behaved. (Let me just say that what they did wasn't terrible. They didn't hurt anyone but themselves really and only temporarily hurt a few of us here.) They had talked a lot together over the course of the week and prayed with each other about things that happened. They both decided they needed to come down and apologize to everyone. One of them, the main one involved, did most of the talking and part of what he said was how he wasn't where he should be spiritually.

I was able to say without reservation that I forgave them and that I love them both so very much. I told them I respected them immensely for facing up to it. And then I was hit with this thought and shared it with the group: We are all capable of doing what they did. We all sin. And when we do, if we handle it with as much humility as they did then we'd all be doing very well. And I looked at the one who said he wasn't where he should be and told him not to believe that lie and said that we are all exactlywhere we need to be. God us has all here, where we are in our spiritual journeys, for a very specific reason. And I said that I felt it was all to teach us a lesson about integrity and living in intentional relationships with each other. Then I looked at the other, to whom I had paid the compliment last weekend, and told him how over the week I wanted to take it back, but now I mean it even more than before.

It turned into an awesome confession time among some of my best friends. It was incredible. The presence of the Holy Spirit was palpable. We weren't just confessing our sins against each other but our sins in secret, the things we do when no one is looking. I had never experienced anything like it. This group of friends now means more to me than I could ever imagine; this is the very picture of intentional friendships and it's beautiful, to say the absolute least. I hope that everyone can experience this kind of love in their own relationships.

Now, a prayer request... The little brother of one of the two guys was flown by 'copter from his home village of Koyuk, AK to Anchorage with severe burns on his face and neck. He's listed in very serious condition. It is due to neglect. I have seen pictures and it's very traumatic. He will definitely have permanent scarring, even after reconstructive surgeries. The boy is named Willie and he is only six years old. Please pray for him.

all the things that really matter...

2006-06-19T02:30:00.000-08:00

My birthday weekend was phenomenal. There were many times throughout the weekend that I thought Oh I need to remember this for my blog, whether it was something funny someone said or just a good memory to put down on "paper" to come back to later. But, now that I am actually sitting to write about them I can't remember all of them. I do remember getting the coffee mug from Sharon and the incredible cookies from JoAnne and the Burt's Bees Hand Repair Creme and Burt's Bees Night Creme from Cheryl.

But the very best things were the intangible gifts - the ones that couldn't be touched but the ones that were felt or experienced. Like Tom and Doug taking turns reading the 29th verse of every chapter in Proverbs that had a 29th verse and then reading all of Chapter 29 itself, along with Psalm 29. Like Blassi making me dinner - spaghetti with good homemade sauce. Like Tom taking me out for a couple birthday beers on Saturday night at around 11:30 and getting so lost in good authentic convo that we completely lost all track of time and didn't leave until around 2 or so. Like Tom and I meeting up with Blassi and his brother Larry, and Lisa and Doug at Blassi's place and seizing the opportunity to tell each of them how much I love them and how thankful I was that they helped me celebrate. Like going to the beach to play frisbee with 4 of your best friends and then heading to the bluffs to watch the sun "set." Like hanging out all night and not going to bed until 4:30am. Like hanging out at Buckets for almost 4 hours last night watching NBA Finals. Those were the things I remember and will remember years from now. Those were the gifts of the most worth for me. And they were all gifts of relationship and fellowship, people giving of themselves because that's all they had to give and because they knew that's all I wanted. Yeah, it was a good weekend.

I remember laughing A LOT and feeling loved. And that's really all that's important, right?

Oh and I remember this... Doug said the other day: "When I became a Christian God took all my sins and put 'em in a big burlap sack and tied 'em up and tossed 'em into the deepest, darkest ocean. And then he posted a sign der that says, 'ABSOLUTELY NO FISHING!'"

party like it's... 1977?

2006-06-17T09:45:00.000-08:00

1977 was a year of tragic things...

The Oakland Raiders won the Superbowl (being a KC Chiefs fan, this is tragic)
The Yankees won the World Series (I am not a Royals fan but also am not a Yankees fan either)
Elvis Presley died in his bathroom in Graceland
Stephen King's The Shining was published (not a huge King fan either)

1977 was a year of great things...

Jimmy Carter became president
President Carter pardoned several thousand draft evaders
Anwar Sadat pursues peace by flying to Jerusalem
Star Wars was the top grossing film
ABBA passed up the Beatles in having the top number of records sold
You Light Up My Life by Debby Boone spent a lot of time at the top of the charts
Three's Company premiered on tv
Orlando Bloom was born along with Liv Tyler, Ludacris, Shakira, and Sarah Michelle Gellar... and ME!

I am 29 today. A year away from 30. YIKES! My sister Lisa turned 30 a couple days ago. I wonder how she feels. 25-26 were my best years, my favorite years of my life so far. It seems weird to say that I am 29. When I was little I always thought 29 sounded so old, you know? It was like, "Wow! You're 29! I can't believe you're that OLD!" Now I am 29 and I don't feel old but in some ways I do. I am young in my heart but man... my bones is creakin' fo shizzle. Know what I mean?

Tom and Doug and Blassi are all here from Anchorage for the weekend. So it's bound to be good times. Happy Birthday to me!

conversations: part two...

2006-06-13T12:33:00.000-08:00

Last week when I said that part two would be up the next day, I really meant in a week.

Another conversation Lisa and I had on the way to and from Anchorage was about how so many of us so often play the comparison game. It's the one in which we let others beat us by comparing ourselves to them or thinking they're somehow better in us in some way. It's not really a very fun game so I don't know why we (or I) play it so much.

It occured to me, during our conversation, that when we compare ourselves to others like we do we are really denying our "made-in-the-image-of-Godness." He made us just the way he wanted us and gave us all traits and characteristics that reflect his own. When we wish we were more like someone else or when we beat ourselves up for how we look, aren't we really saying that God's design wasn't good enough?

Now, I am not saying that there aren't things in our lives that we need don't need to work on, 'cause, indeed, there are. I am talking about the things that are beyond our control - a big nose, small squinty eyes, full lips, why we're introverted when we long to be more extroverted, why some of us are more prone to being overweight while others can eat all they want and still stay ripped, etc... Those are the things I am talking about. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

We need to accept those parts of us that secular American culture rejects. Maybe we need to change our point of view on our "flaws" and start looking at them as beautiful. Maybe we're the lucky ones and everyone else got jipped. Sure, it's easier said than done but wouldn't it revolutionize our lives? I think if we challenge the way we think about and see ourselves our lives would drastically change. We'd become more confident, more alluring, more mysterious, more loving, more lovable, more forgiving of ourselves and others, more gracious, more relaxed, and perhaps most importantly, more "us" - the "us" that God created and desired us to be from the very beginning of time.

I bet if we changed our thinking to be always positive, we would soon find others comparing themselves to us saying, "Wow! She is radiant! She's happy and content with who she is. How can I get that?" And we can tell them, "I was intentionally created by God, the same one that hung the sun and moon and all the stars and named them, the same one that made the mountains and the oceans, the same one that made all the animals and plants. He made all those things and he made you and we are the only part of his creation to whom he gave his very own image. If you firmly and adamantly believe that about yourself and won't let anyone talk you into believing otherwise, you can have the same radiance and contentedness."

I challenge you to write on a post-it, or on your mirror with lipstick or dry erase pens, that you are magnificent, that you are alluring and mysterious, that you are beautiful (or handsome, whichever you prefer), that the stars pale in comparison to your radiance, and that you are excellently made. Write it, recite it, take it in. And soon, I bet, your life will be very different.

This was written more as a reminder of my conversation and more for my own benefit than for anyone else's. I have made a commitment to myself to take the challenge mentioned in the last paragraph. I have made a commitment to loving myself as I am.

just as i am...

2006-06-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

Conversations: Part Two will be up tomorrow.

Today, I want to share my journal entry from yesterday with you.

all i hear is the gentle whoosh of the river, the whisper of the wind, and the
music that creation is supplying for me. all i see is the white of the
snow-capped mountains, the green-blue of the river, the green trees, and vast
expanses of bright blue sky. all i feel is the warmth of the sun on my face, the
caress of the breeze, my hair gently blowing, the smooth surface of this page,
and the fullness in my soul. i even feel a little more beautiful as i hear you
tell me how much more captivating i am than my surroundings. and yet... even
with all those things, with as happy as i am here, all i am thinking about right
now is how much i miss my friends back home and the comfort they provide when i
am hurting like i am right now.

it dawned on me last night, as we sat
with our bodies touching and he put his head on my shoulder, how much i care for
him. and it dawned on me, nearly simultaneously, that the feelings will never be
returned by him. i will never be good enough for him i thought as i looked at
him with the same longing look that he was bestowing on my stunning friend. who
am i anyway to have thought it possible that our friendship could lead to more?
look at the women he's been interested in all year. you're nothing like them.
even as i was saying these things to myself, something inside me was telling me
that's precisely the reason he should feel the same for me - i am nothing like
them. and as i heard the words, i so wanted to believe in them but history tells
me a different story. apparently, i am not what men seek.

i have a past
that's riddled with pain and at times, regret. i have been reckless with money.
i am not a perfect christian. a cuss word or two has been known to slip out,
usually saved for those occasions that really call for it, like the other day
when i missed the fish and attempted to filet my finger instead. i have a few
extra pounds to me and a few blemishes on my skin. i love beer and rock and
roll. i am passionate and outspoken, sometimes loud. i am shamelessly addicted
to blogging, blog-surfing, MySpace, and those little surveys that friends send
you via email. i sometimes struggle with feeling like everything i do is wrong.
i can be insecure at times. i can't really dance all that gracefully, unless
it's the two-step or a slow song. i sometimes watch rated-R movies, and not only
that, but i like them sometimes too.

yes, those things are true but i
also have been forgiven for my past by you and i can't even see you. i am
generous with my time, with my love, and with my heart. i am trusting in you to
always provide for me. i may not be a perfect christian but i wish to seek you
in all i do. i have a lot of love to give. i listen with my whole body. i am not
afraid to laugh out loud. i care intensely about the people in my life, those
with whom i have any type of relationship. i strive to live as transparently as
possible and appreciate the same quality in others. i love hiking and camping,
and just the outdoors in general. i love and appreciate all genres of music, and
music, as a whole, is a huge part of my life. i love animals, especially big
dogs, maybe a little too much; i am very sensitive for all of your wonderful
creatures. i love the country and only want to go into the city to visit. i gaze
up at the stars and wonder who is doing the same. i am in love with alaska. i
have special gifts that you've given me that i know will mesh perfectly with
someone else's.

somewhere deep inside me i know that if someone would
put forth a little effort in getting to know who i am, they might actually like
me. no... they might actually find themselves in love with me. i know i am worth
getting to know romantically and intimately. i know i am beautiful because you
created me and i am made in your image and you are beyond breathtaking. i know
these things are true. and still i sit and wait for something that seemingly
will never happen to me. i know i am complete only in you. and yet i ache to
share my life with someone. my life is rich and full here. i am living a dream
come true. but my heart still has it's vacancy sign lit up.

you know i
am 29 in a week and a half. and i am scared. you know that too. i am scared that
i won't be able to have kids. i am scared of not ever finding someone. i am
scared of watching everyone else get married and attending all the weddings
alone. of always being a bridesmaid. i am also scared of letting love in. the
one thing i want so much and i am afraid of it. but i know that you can take
away that fear. you can take away all the pain. you can comfort me and give me
peace that passes understanding. you give me joy. you can dry these tears and
calm my heart. i have prayed for these things before and they remain. i pray for
them again... and again... and again... until i no longer need to pray for them.
or until you bring someone into my life who will look past my few extra pounds,
my love for music of all kinds including my rock and roll, my being
irresponsible with money, and see the perfectly flawed creation that you
designed me to be. someone that will love me because i am me, exactly as i am
right now, someone with whom i can break myself open and show him all the ugly
parts and say this is me; be careful with me because i am fragile. and he will
look at all those pieces and absolutely love what he sees. someone that won't
not love me because i don't look a certain way or because i have made too many
mistakes or because i am too much.

you made one dream of mine come true
by bringing me to alaska. i pray for this other dream now. that you would bring
it to life or take it away.

it's not that i will never be enough for
him. the truth of it is, i am enough right now. just as i am. you taught me that
when you died for me before i ever was. but maybe he's not enough for me. maybe
you just have someone better for me. if so, where?

This journal entry is personal. It's very real and maybe more real than you wanted to read. But it's where I am right now. Broken and hurting. But also trusting in God.

conversations: part one...

2006-06-03T18:20:00.001-08:00

Last weekend's nearly 6 hours in the car up to Anchorage and back provided ample opportunity for Lisa and I to indulge in some rich conversation.

One of the things I mentioned (and I know I have written about this before but for me it's worth repeating because it's just one of the ways God has blessed me) was how I still can't get over the fact that I get to live here. In Alaska. It's a state that is 2.5 times the size of Texas (if you divided Alaska in half, Texas would be the 3rd largest state) and is 1/5 the size of all the lower 48 combined, with over 365 million acres (1 million for every day of the year). Yet given it's vast size there are less than 1 million people in the entire state (only 640K). The state sport is dog mushing and the state land mammal is the moose. There are more than 3000 rivers, over 3 million lakes, over 100,000 glaciers, and 70 active volcanoes in Alaska. And of the 20 highest peaks in North America, 17 of them are here. I could go on and on about all that Alaska has to offer, but that could potentially take forever and I have too much daylight to burn right now.

I seriously sometimes still cannot believe that I get to live here. I drive down the street and God takes my breath away over and over again. Sometimes when I am listening to the radio I will hear someone say something about Soldotna and my mind will have forgotten that I live here and for a brief moment I will think in my mind, Hey! I've been to Soldotna!... And then I will remember that I live here and my heart fills with joy all over again like it was my first day here. That really happens to me now and never happened in Kansas (Amy, I know you love it there but I was just dying to get out).

The realization of this dream started a long time ago when I was a little girl. We would vacation in the mountains of Colorado nearly every summer and I always found refuge there. My heart was always happier there. The mountains are so much more impressive to me than the ocean. I was 14 or 15 before I ever saw the ocean (in Galveston, TX) and when I did it was like just another large body of water to me, another lake. I was unimpressed. Now I live where ocean is divided by mountains rising up out of the water like Triton did in Greek mythology. The sites are truly remarkable - there aren't adequate words to describe the beauty and splendor of this place.

When I brought this up, Lisa said that she feels the same way about Alaska. We are so lucky!

shameless plug for a friend...

2006-05-31T00:14:00.000-08:00

My weekend in Anchorage was just an extension of what I talked about in my last post. More Sabbath. Rest for my soul. Renewal for my spirit. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. The month ahead is going to be very busy at work so it was nice to get a vacation before going into it head-on. My days were very full in many ways. They were full of life. Full of love. Full of God. It had been a while since I'd had that level of intense fellowship. I now hope it carries me through the next 3-4 weeks. Blassi will be down this week for a few days to visit and Tom comes down in a couple weeks. Those visits will certainly help get me through. Some conversations that I had are worth posting about. But a little more detail on the weekend at a later time...

For now, I am going to shamelessly plug my friend Jeff's book. It's entitled So I Go ~ Following After the Jesus of Our Day, and it's available at Amazon as of May 15th. It's priced at $17.50 for the time being and I am sure will be well worth the every penny. He writes like I wish I could write - in smooth, poignant prose that curls around the threshold of the imagination. It's luminous! But see for yourself - go and get the book!

good medicine...

2006-05-28T00:10:00.000-08:00

I have had two really awesome days in a row. They were both Sabbath-ish for me even though I had to work some. (Huh... Isn't that cool that even though I had to work, it was still like a Sabbath for me?) I found renewal both last night and today. Last night I went to Veronica's with my friend Lisa. We sat on the sun porch and I sipped my decaf, skinny, caramel iced mochas and she her soda, listened to some awesome live jazz (every Friday night 3 guys play some great jazz), and had some good conversation. The highlight was when they did the Pink Panther song. We closed the place down and then went to one of the areas where there's bluffs and sat watching the sunset and had more good conversation. I mentioned how when I look at things in nature (a sunset, the ocean, mountains, a sunset over the ocean AND the mountains, moose, an eagle soaring, etc...) I often think of it as actually seeing God. Each one of those things reveals something about God's incredible character. The sunset at almost 11pm last night, although it doesn't really get dark here this time of year. It makes for very long, beautiful, full days. I love it!

Today, Lisa, myself, and our two friends (the Cheryls) went down to Homer. Being a holiday weekend and the kickoff for summer and the tourist season, it was very busy. But I still loved it. We drove out to the end of the spit and ate at Boardwalk Fish & Chips where I had the best clam chowder of my life and the best fried clam strips ever. We watched the tourists and talked to some of them. We petted the German Shepherd named Taslina and talked to her owners. We watched the eagles. We dipped our toes in the frigid water. We talked and laughed together. I mentioned, for probably the 26th time, how much I love Homer and Lisa said, "Yeah, it's like one giant coffeehouse. And not the corporate Starbucks kind either, but the real kind, the honest kind." It was great. And we headed to Homer High School where you can sit in the cafeteria (or on the deck off the cafeteria) and look out and see where ocean meets mountain and they both reveal more about God. Anyway, we went there for a concert. Broken Walls was playing there. It's Native Christian rock and soooo cool. Jonathan Maracle (pronounced miracle), a Mohawk Indian, heads the group of 3 guys total. They are a cultural music group who invite us to be reconciled to one another and to God, to rise up and worship our God. I had heard their cds and loved them but they were so much better in person. And his heart for God is amazing. He prayed over us at the end that we would be the warriors we were meant to be and that God would send down his power and authority on us and it was tangible. The Holy Spirit was I mean. It was unbelievable. We sang together, songs like "Jesus is Good Medicine," "Rise Up, Mighty Warrior," "River of Life," and "The Spirit of the Wind." At the close of the concert, Jonathan commented that he had wanted the place to be full. And in my head I thought, Oh but it is full. This place if full of the Holy Spirit. And it was.

On the way back to Soldotna, we watched the sun set over the mountains again, down behind the ocean and counted moose and eagles. We only saw about 7 moose but probably a couple dozen eagles. And I was reminded of this verse: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31, NIV)

And tomorrow... Lisa and I are heading to Anchorage until Monday to surprise our friends Tom and Doug that came down last weekend. And I am sure I will find even more renewal with them. God is so good...

blessings in the form of friends...

2006-05-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lack in posts recently. Spring has finally sprung here in Alaska and I am soaking it in. Today, it's actually hot out. Well... hot for Alaska, anyway.

Over the weekend, my friends Tom Mute and Doug Swanson came down from Anchorage for a couple days. We had a ton of fun staying up all night, playing Trivial Pursuit, going to Sal's at 3am, giving each other back rubs, eating together, and just hanging out. Sunday Tom and I grabbed some fruit smoothies and headed to the beach for a while and found a couple rocks to sit on and we just sat and talked, basking in God's beautiful creation. Tom is one of very few people here with whom I have been able to be relatively transparent. Maybe because he's transparent himself... I don't know. It doesn't matter. He's the older brother of a friend of mine, Ryan, who is a fellow ACCer. Doug is Tom's best friend. I met them both last fall on a mission trip in Koyuk and since then have really loved the times I have spent with them, what little they have been. But Tom's promised to visit a few times this summer and I am hoping to make a trip up to Anchorage next month for a weekend for my birthday, June 17th by the way, to see them and other friends that live in Anchorage.

Another couple friends will be coming down this coming Monday for 3 weeks for Native Language Institute that's held on campus. It will be so good to see both of them, Andrea and Ariana, the Solie sisters.

God continues to find new ways to stretch me and grow me. I have been dealing with a couple things in my life lately that I won't go into too much detail here but I just want to ask you to pray for me. If you want to know specifics in order to pray more efficiently then you can email me and I will give you the background.

Oh, I will be adding a "Daily Qoute" section to my blog's sidebar in the very near future. Keep your eyes pealed for that. I will try to update it at least every other day.

That's about all I got for now... I am working on a couple other pieces that I hope to have ready to post tomorrow along with a picture or two of the past weekend.

contentment...

2006-05-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

A year ago I was a member of Corporate America Anonymous. I was getting paid VERY well to manage a premier consulting office in a trendy part of Kansas City. It was a cushy job. One in which I should have been quite comfortable. And I was. For a while. A while being about 2 months. And then it got boring. The challenge was gone and routine had settled in. I felt completely unfulfilled in my work. It was a job that a number of my friends would have enjoyed and jumped at the chance to do. In fact, when they heard I was leaving, 2 of my friends applied and interviewed for my position. Both got hired - one for mine and the other for another position. It was a job that my friends wanted and competed against others to get, a job that could take you places. And yet, I found it severely lacking. I wasn't developing the relationships that I wanted and was not using or stretching my God-given gifts to further the kingdom. So I left. I moved to Alaska to be a full-time Bible college student. I went from making $40K to making absolutely nil. But you know what? I am happy. I am truly happy. Content. Fulfilled. I currently do the cooking and cleaning here on campus, where I am living for the summer, and am happy doing it. Dad, if you're reading this, you will know how big a deal that is because, as you know, I have NEVER enjoyed cleaning anything. But now, things are very different. I sing and even dance as I scrub away. And that's something I thought would never be possible in my life.

a brief brief...

2006-05-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

Babysitting went well last weekend. Thanks for your prayers. I actually had a blast but was completely exhausted by the time the parents came home. Friday afternoon was soccer and then that night I took them to a Cinco de Mayo party at the home of our IT director. We sat by the bonfire in the backyard by the lake, took a few swings at a pinata, ate some authentic Mexican food, and just had good fellowship. Saturday was soccer pretty much all day. Then that night I took them to the beach for a bonfire and we roasted hot dogs, ate s'mores, I introduced them to Wasabi potato chips and to my surprise they loved them. Sunday was Sunday School, church, homework, playing outside, Papa Murphy's pizza and movies. Monday they told me that I was the best babysitter they've ever had. They were eating the DQ ice cream I had just bought them when they said it so I guess I'll never know if it was the ice cream talking or if it was the truth. I saw them last night at an open house for one of ACC's staff member's birthdays. Their eyes lit up when they saw me and I was so touched. What an honor it is to have that effect on a child, let alone three! They all ran to me and gave me hugs. I loved it! Megan, who is 6 years old, invited me to her dance recital next week. I absolutely wouldn't miss it.

Will have more of an update shortly. I apologize for the brief nature of this post. I've got a date with 5 wonderful men who are waiting for me out in the parking lot. I just shared my testimony with them and now they feel like family.

need prayer...

2006-05-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

I need prayer this weekend. Starting tonight I am babysitting 3 kids through Monday night, by myself. One of them is really cool and the girl I can handle pretty well. But the three of them together is going to be a handful to say the least. I suppose this will be great practice for when I have kids of my own, getting them ready for school, taking them to church, putting them to bed, etc... I am a little scared. Just pray for me. PLEASE!

Oh... And I think I broke my right big toe. I dropped a 15kg weight on it today. It's purty swollen. Black and blue. And red too. Yeah, it felt good.

and the award goes to...

2006-05-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

So, Sunday was my graduation from the one-year program here at ACC. I got a Certificate of Biblical Studies. But that's not what this post is about. I also received a Certificate of Achievement from the school. It was the first time in the school's history that anyone has maintained a 4.0 all year. Yep! It's true, I was valedictorian. But this is the funny part, I went up on stage to receive my award and as I was walking off I tripped and face-planted right there on stage. In front of everyone. Lemme tell ya, it was a shining, graceful moment. One of which Amy would be proud.

I will post more later. But for now, I am exhausted. I worked from 9am to 8pm today. YAWN!

surprise, surprise...

2006-04-29T15:19:00.000-08:00

8 am this morning my phone rings after only 4 hours of sleep. (5 of us girls snuck out last night and went to Sal's, an all-night diner here in town.) So the phone rings and I hit snooze on my alarm. It keeps ringing. I try to figure out what it is and where my phone is, etc... Finally, I answer. This is the conversation that took place.

Me: Mm, Hello.
Dad: Good morning sunshine.
Me: Good morning.
Dad: Did I wake you up?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Let's see, what time is it there? It's 11 here so it's what, 8am there?
Me: Yeah. And I just went to bed at 4am.
Dad: Oh, late night, eh?
Me: Yep.
Dad: What time do you have to be up and around today?
Me: Oh we have graduation rehearsal at 9am, then a BBQ at 11:30, then a baptism service at 2, and a banquet tonight at 5.
Dad: Wow! That sounds like a busy day. So how was your retreat?
Me: Oh it was a lot of fun but it went way too fast.
Dad: I bet. I bet it was kinda hard too since everyone's leaving and it was your last solid time together.
Me: Yeah, it was hard. But it was also very good.
Dad: So, if you have to be at rehearsal at 9am, do you have time for breakfast?
Me: Mmm, I don't know. I don't usually eat breakfast, especially... Wait... WHAT?
Dad: Do you have time to go out for breakfast with your Dad?
Me: WHAT?
Dad: Yeah, I am on campus in the guest duplex. I came in last night and spent the night here.
Me: Are you serious?
Dad: Yeah, I am serious. Do you want to go have breakfast?
Me: Dad, are you sure? Are you serious?
Dad: Yes I am serious. Be out front in 10 minutes.
Me (through tears): Are you being for real?
Dad: Just be out front in 10 minutes and find out.

I don't think I have ever gotten up that fast - especially after only just a few hours of sleep. But I went and he was there and it was the best surprise in the world. Yesterday my friend Stephanie said that she might come up this summer and that made my day. But this made my weekend, I think. I was so thankful! The past couple days I was walking around kinda sad 'cause it seemed like almost everyone elses' families were coming in and I wanted my dad to be here to see me graduate. I mentioned this a couple times to a few of the staff and they knew all along that he was coming. (They all know my dad because he was on staff here in 2002 so it made it very easy for him to do.) He planned it just this last Wednesday so it was all very fast. I couldn't believe it. So I had breakfast with my dad today and it was wonderful to see him. He will be here just until Monday morning but I am so thankful that he came. It really means a lot to me. It was the best graduation gift I could get. I love my daddy!

like a paparazzo shooting photos of the celebrity of God...

2006-04-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

I've found it. My favorite place on earth, that is. An hour and a half drive south and west from here (about 90 miles) will take you to a little town called Homer, AK. It's a fishing village with a beautiful backdrop of mountains. The "spit" juts out into the inlet 4 miles. They've built up the "spit" with shops, restaurants, bars, tourist attractions, etc... so that in summer the place is overrun with people. But the rest of the year it's fairly calm and quiet. I participated in a run/walk to Homer. Over the course of 2 months we accumulated miles and tracked them. If we made the 90 miles it is between here and Homer then we qualified to go and eat pizza at Fat Olives (best pizza in the world, by the way). So we went this last Saturday. Here's just a small part of what I saw.

I got within just 3-5 feet of this bald eagle. He just sat there watching me as I snapped his picture like the paparazzo. Here's one of the best ones. This one really seems to accentuate his size; he was huge.

Here's another shot of him. This one is my absolute favorite. Probably one of my favorite shots I have ever taken. I love it. The shadows and light on the mountains in the background. The way his head is turned toward me. The boats and the water.

Here he is flying.

While we there a storm moved in and then out again. On its way out, I snapped this shot of the sun piercing through the storm clouds.

On the way back to Soldotna the sun was setting and it was glorious. This doesn't begin to capture the beauty of it in person. The mountain that you see in this picture is Mount Redoubt (pronounced reed-out), an active volcano across the inlet.

This is another shot of the sunset.

Beautiful memories. Snapshots in my mind for me to always remember. Maybe someday you all will come and visit me and you will be able to see the awesome beauty of this place for yourself. It's resplendent!

i am so awesome...

2006-04-20T21:38:00.001-08:00

It's true. God said so. And he proved it when he made me.

I did a word study on the first 18 verses of Psalm 139, which, by the way, is probably my most favorite passage in the Bible (although there are some other ones that are pretty mind-blowing). Basically, I looked up the verse and then I took the key words (nouns, adjectives, verbs, etc...) and looked them up in an exhaustive concordance for the original Hebrew word. And then I looked at the original word's more correct transliteration. Finally I rewrote the passage using what I had found. So it's like my own version of The Message. How rad is that? So here's what I found... Hike up your socks 'cause this'll blow 'em off (at least it did me).

"O Creator God, with whom I have a covenant relationship, you have examined and investigated me, and you understand me intimately. You know me, where I dwell and what inhabits me. You know when I sit and when I rise. You consider with full attention my intentions from afar. You measure my way of living and see me when I lie down; you are familiar with all my collective thoughts, my moral character, and my course of life. Before a word is in my mouth, you know it completely, O Creator God. You encircle me; you go forever with me and follow close behind me. Even in ancient times, you were already with me. Your presence with me is eternal and everlasting. You are with me from the west to the east and from the east to the west. You have laid your power and strength upon me. Such understanding and wisdom is too incomprehensible, too extraordinary for me, too exalted for me to grasp. Where can I go from your breath, from your Spirit? Where can I escape the favor of your presence? If I go up to the place of the stars, sky, and air, you are there; if I were to go to the grave, you would be there. If I were to rise on the wings of daybreak you would be there. Even on the far sides of the sea, I am still within your reach. When I settle for other gods, you still have not left me. Your power continues to guide me and bring me back to you, away from the others that I have put before you, the one true God. Even when I put other things before you, you do not do the same with me. When I put other things ahead of you, you still keep me fastened to your right hand. If I say, “Surely, I can hide in my ignorance and my happy attitude will be dissolved into the pleasures of the night,” even the darkness will not be dark to you. Even my ignorance does not hide me from you. You will make my face shine and establish favorable circumstance with me and provide peace and relief from trouble. The night will be resplendent with your light, like the day, for darkness is as the morning light to you. For you brought forth my inmost heart, mind, and spirit; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I make a public confession of your excellence because I am so awesome, so marvelous. When you made me, it caused others to be astounded by my wonder. I know by experience that your works are wonderful; I understand that completely. My bones were not concealed from you when I was made from the dust of the earth behind the veil; your eyes saw my unformed body. I was embroidered, woven together, using colored thread. I am colorful, vibrant. My forever was crafted by you and was engraved in stone tablets before I was even conceived. Oh, how precious, how costly, to me are your thoughts, Mighty One! How numerous and powerful is the sum of them. If I were to proclaim them, they would outnumber the grains of sand and I would be proclaiming them into all eternity. When I go through summer, even as the seasons change and pass me by, I am still with you."

And to think, this is true of each and every one of us. So you're awesome too. *_*

call to the masses...

2006-04-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

This is an urgent prayer request...

I have a friend that I have had since high school who means a great deal to me that is in a very painful state right now. He is contemplating suicide. He is not a believer. He grew up Mormon and is now in more of an agnostic belief than anything else. Knowing that he's sensitive to conversations about God, I have witnessed to him in very mild, non-confrontational ways. He knows I attend a Christian college and that I am studying the Bible, and that I am a Christian but I haven't really shared with him the depth of my experiences and transformation. I am hesitant to do so because of his past experiences and because of his sensitivity to that subject. My heart grieves and hurts for him. Here's an excerpt from an email that I received from him just today:

I would say things are peachy, but I'd be lying. I take forever to open up
to someone, but once I do I go all out. I exposed myself more to this girl
than I ever have anyone before. She knew me better than my own family.
When someone that close leaves you, saying they have found better, what does
that say about me? A knife wound would heal faster. I feel worthless.
Yeah, I put on a good appearance. A show. A facade. I'm not smart. I'm not
nice. I don't know how to treat people well. I can't see the screen cause
I'm breaking apart. :-( I appreaciate you being my friend. Thank you for
being you. Putting up with me. I hope she is happy. I hope he treats her well.
It's sad to know you were dragging someone down. What is the meaning of life? To suffer? To see how much crap you will take before you break? Well, I'm brittle. Weak and shallow. I know many have it 1000 times worse. I'm not trying to be Woe is Me. I'm looking for a way to escape all this pain. I'm sad.

He does not read this blog so I am not worried about that. And I will not share his name with you given the nature of his state. I just beg of you to please lift him up in your prayers. Incessantly. And lift me up as well that I might receive from the Holy Spirit the right words to say to him when he calls me tomorrow night as he's promised. Pray that I would be sensitive to his situation and not "turn him off" so to speak, to the Word of God. Thanks in advance for all your prayers for my friend.

love, death, life, power...

2006-04-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

We sang this song Easter morning, over and over again. I had sung it before but this time I really paid attention to the words, I felt them. I sang them in my heart. By his love and grace I was found, in his death I was ransomed, in his resurrected life I was promised eternal life, and in his power I now and forever stand.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I standIn Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I liveThere in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of ChristNo guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

spiritual act of worship...

2006-04-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

I love my church here in Kenai. I felt the presence of God fully this morning in worship on this Easter morning. They remain in the spirit, they live in the spirit, they speak in the spirit, they worship in the spirit. It's so refreshing.

As I had my hands raised in worship this morning and felt the Spirit bathing me in love a thought came over me. I want to live every moment as a disciple. The disciples' lifestyle was drastically different than other believers of Jesus' day. What would it look like to live that way? Loving, questioning, fervently seeking, always living in the presence of Jesus, traveling with him, working with him, fellowshipping with him. While I can't travel with him, incarnate, I can go to where he is working and work with him there. So, it is now an ambition of mine to live as a disciple in every moment.

I watched Mel's Passion of the Christ again on Friday night. After seeing it several times it still had a profound effect on me. I hope it always has a profound effect and I hope that it even intensifies. I was annoyed with those watching it with me. I was sitting in awe and wonder at Jesus my Savior, and they were laughing and talking throughout the movie. I wanted to grab them and shake them and say, "Don't you understand? Don't you get it? This is what really happened. Actually it isn't even half of what really happened but it still gives us a picture of his sacrifice for US! The least you could do is be reverent." But I didn't say anything. I sat there mourning with my hands up around my face so no one would see. I really tried to process everything that was happening, to imagine myself there in the crowd, to fully comprehend the magnitude of it all. But I couldn't fully comprehend it and I probably never will this side of Heaven. It's all so fantastical; it's hard to believe. But I put my faith in it and I believe in it with conviction. Someone died for me so that I might live forever. Me. Little, insignificant me had someone think enough of her to sacrifice his own life for mine. The least I could do is give my life back to him. Romans 12:1 says: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship."

I wrote this following my first viewing of the Passion of the Christ the night it opened in the theaters a couple years ago.

I remember you willingly hanging there
Bloodied and beaten and broken for me.
Perfect flesh torn just so I could be reborn;
Asking me to believe in it if I dare:
“Will you accept this gift?” came your plea.
And you handed down to me a robe and crown
And said “These things along with so much more could be your own
If when this life and world are through
You can honestly say that I lived in you.”
When I saw your life was near it’s end
I argued “No it cannot be – You are my Friend.
Your life for mine? Father…” I started to cry.
“My King, Love of my Life, Lord – who am I?”
So much time has passed since then
So many thing are happening.
There are still questions that I do not understand
And just like before you comfort me“
Trust me Sweet Child, it’s in the plan.”
So every morning I faithfully rise with the sun, and
Thus starts my constant prayer for you to come.
I empty myself daily that there may be more room for You.
I die to myself daily that I may live more fully in You.
Each day I am amazed that you thought enough of me
To offer down not only a robe and crown
But the gift of all eternity.
You thought enough of me to call me your Sweet Child
And with your own perfect life
It was mine you reconciled.

pictures worth a thousand words...

2006-04-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

A few of the dogs that I took mushing last Saturday in Unalakleet, AK (up by Nome)...

'Nessa and I getting ready to go out and Adam just standing around...

We had just returned from mushing...

Marie, Rachel, Rachel, 'Nessa, Salena, Abe, Adam, Doug at our western-themed dinner last Saturday night at the Covenant Church in Unalakleet, AK...

Jamie Jafar Sighafi or "Sir Goof-offie", a drummer, and Aaron Espe who led worship for us last weekend (and who is amazing by the way) and then followed us home to Soldotna to do an intimate concert for us on campus this last Monday the 9th...

Aune the assistant director for CYAK, Aaron Espe, Doug Swanson CYAK staff, and Erik Young who just completed his internship as youth pastor in Unalakleet and is on his way to North Park in Chicago to finish up his schooling before graduation. This photo was taken as they were all leaving ACC's campus yesterday after spending a few days with us. I miss them all already...

Blassi, this year's class president, strumming away on the guitar...

Blassi and me...

me, Blassi, Jimmy and Sylvia T...

With just two weeks left of school before graduation, I am filled with sadness. The few people in these pictures have become part of my story. Blassi has been an excellent fellow leader on campus and, as another older student on campus, has also been a good friend. He leaves after graduation for boot camp in Texas for the Air National Guard. Pray for him as he has never experienced that kind of heat and humidity before and he'll be in Texas and Kansas for 5 months in the middle of summer. He leaves next February probably for his first tour in Iraq. I will miss him dearly.

you've all heard the saying, "grab a bull by the horns?"

2006-04-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

This is me. This is me grabbing the horns of a bull. The picture has not been modified in any way. So yes, that's really me grabbing the bull's horns.

Pictures of my weekend in Unalakleet coming soon. I got to mush dogs while I was there. And I learned that you don't actually say, "mush" to the dogs. That's really just a French-Canadian thing.

Stay tuned...

prayer requests and promises...

2006-04-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Pictures coming soon and more updates and lotsa good stuff...

But for now, pray for me as I leave today to go on a mission trip to Unalakleet, Alaska. It's on the Norton Sound, up by Nome. It's going to be cold. It's going to be exhausting. It's going to be rewarding working with the youth there at the annual Youth Rally. But I need prayer starting right now about the flight on which I am getting ready to go. I don't want to get sick but I have such a sensitive tummy and on those smaller planes even the smallest bump can feel like the tallest roller coaster in the world. And it's cloudy today and windy and there's bound to be lotsa turbulence. I appreciate your prayers for that and for the youth I will be serving and the rest of my team, etc... And I promise to give you an update when I return on Sunday. There's a good possibility of getting snowed in there at least one night, in which case, I have no idea when I'll be back. Just look for another update next week. Love you all! You're the best!

passing of time...

2006-03-30T16:48:00.000-09:00

Six years ago today my beloved mother passed away. On the one-year anniversary I wrote this in remembrance.

When liquid prism raindrops darken the path where I tread,
And thunderstorms spill ravenous but sweet upon my head,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the days of puddle-jumping up and down the street.
Gazing when it finally stopped at how everything looked: so fresh, so green.
Breathing in the cool, clean air, wishing we could always remain there.

When sunshine sneaks its way in through my window again
Like a long lost friend I haven't seen since who knows when,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the endless days of summer get-aways,
And sleeping late until the sun warms my face.
Climbing mountains, making wishes in fountains.
Roller skates, bike rides, somersaults and cartwheels - playing in the yard.
Sunrises, sunsets, outdoor meals - never thought remembering would be this hard,
A kite to fly and fireworks on the Fourth of July.

When leaves turn from green to gold to orange to red and brown,
Wood burns in fireplaces and cold and hard becomes the ground,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the cool nights of hayrides and bonfires that crackle,
Hot cocoa to hold and echoes of laughter.
Dressing up as hobos to collect all those candies and treats.
School starts again, making new friends,
Tasting the first eggnog of the year, thick and sweet;
Nights would get longer and we'd pull out our flannel sheets.

When snowflakes whiten my world with frost on glass - fresh beauty unfurled,
And ice breaks the trees of their fragile leaves, and drops them into the past,
It is then that I remember.
Behold long winters of Christmas caroling,
Holding on tight while down the hill we'd go barreling.
Forts of white stocked with weapons of snowballs,
Ready to fight; afterward snow angels and sugar plum dreams for all.
All cozy and warm curled up by the fire; telling stories while we sipped hot cider.

When nighttime comes like the magic of a whisper
That moves me to lean in as though to keep it there -
Right there in the intimate air between me and the one who whispered,
It is then that I remember.
Behold the nights of silvery lights: white diamonds on a black velvet sky
Gazed upon by so many in a life gone by.
You once stood too in awe of what surrounded you.
But I remember this a different way,
It was your beauty your light that took my breath away.
Only you could make a trillion stars seem to go out at night.

As each second passes and I view this world through rose-colored glasses,
It is then that I remember, I cherish, and I treasure
Your life, your breath all you left me in the short time you spent on earth.
Like memories that did not go with you and faith beyond measure -
Priceless things, valuable things, intangible things of boundless worth.
Though your face glowed a silvery gold and outshone the moon
I'll always remember it as the light that went out too soon.

I love you Mom!

never enough to be satisfied...

2006-03-25T13:33:00.000-09:00

I was busy working on an assignment just now when an image came to my mind; I don't know how or why it came to me, it just did. We've all seen it so you'll know what I am talking about. It's either your own or you've gone to someone else's house for dinner. Your about to put a forkful of tender steak in your mouth and then it happens. You feel something on your leg and you look down and there's a furry paw resting there. You follow the paw and find it's attached to a chin with big brown eyes above it saying, "Feed me. If I don't have that piece of meat, I will die. I have been so starved and neglected." His eyes are burning a hole through the slice of filet on your fork, he's staring so intently. The pool of drool is rapidly spreading and your pants are wet now. Wet and foamy. All his energy and thoughts are focused on that one thing. He's hungry for it. He would do anything for it. He's desperate for it, really believing he might die. You slip him a morsel under the table and he about takes your finger off because he's so over-zealous. And you're amazed how he works his act all around the table and how it always pays off. And no matter how much he eats, he always has room for more. He's never satisfied.

And it hits me, what if we prayed like that? What if we sought hard after God the way a dog wants that piece of meat on your fork? What would happen? God already does some pretty amazing things, both in us and through us. Just imagine how exponentially that might increase if we were that absolutely desperate for him. If all of our energies and thoughts were completely focused on knowing him more and never being satisfied with the knowledge and insight he has given us. To be always seeking more, always growing. Even making the proclamation that we might die if we don't get it. Meditating on it, both day and night, waking and sleeping. Seriously, think about it. What could happen? At the absolute minimum, God would "slip us a morsel" and we would be so eager for it that we would almost take his hand off. Okay, not really, but you get the picture, yes? And I mean no disrespect at all. I am not, in any way, saying that God is up there dangling things in our face to tease us or see how much we salivate and jump around and whine, or to see how "pretty" we can sit. That's not at all what I am mean to do. I am just conjecturing on this a little bit, thinking about all the incredible, limitless possibilities there would be if we were just that over-zealous. At the absolute minimum, we would surely learn something deeply meaningful about God and his desire for us to fervently seek after him and his perfectly profound love for us. It would be just enough to make us want more. And more. And more. It would always pay off and we would never be satisfied.

peeling an orange...

2006-03-22T20:49:00.000-09:00

"How do you peel an orange?" her question came as quite a surprise to me, and at first I thought she was kidding. But her facial expressions gave away that she was serious. "How do you peel an orange?" she asked me again. I was confused. Is this a rhetorical question? Or a trick question? She continued, "Do you use a knife? Do you just dig your fingernails into it? Do you slice it? Do you bite into it? How do you peel it?"

"Sometimes I use a knife and sometimes I don't," I answered rather matter-of-factly. "Sometimes I just dig right into it. Most of the time."

I had just entered the little wooden chapel and sat down with the prayer ministry team earlier this afternoon. The smell of cedar came off the walls and pierced my nose as her question pierced my thoughts. In the back of my mind I was thinking, I have to make sure I give the right answer.

That's when she said, "I don't know why but God gave me this image of an orange being peeled and prompted me to ask that question. I don't know what it means to you right now but I am pretty sure we'll get to the bottom of it today."

"Okay," I mumbled meekly. Still not sure if I should stay put or run far, far away from the crazy lady.

"And do you know that there's no wrong way to peel an orange? You can just rip into it or you can use a knife. Do you know that any way you do it produces the same result?"

"Sure. I know that."

"Okay. Do you have any idea why God would have given me this image to give to you?"

When I answered, "no," they led me in prayer asking God to reveal to me the insight behind it. It was then that I remembered a big ol' wound from a few years ago that had been bumped into recently. I had been working at a well-known outplacement consulting firm. I had a boss that would give me a project and say, "Okay, go." Five minutes later I would get an email, a phone call, or a view of her face peering into my cube asking me what I was doing, how I was doing it, etc... Anything I did was wrong. She had this nagging tendency to micro, micro-manage every little detail about every project of which she put me in charge. Repeatedly, I went to her asking her if she could please compromise and back off and give me some room to manage the project like she had asked me to. "Trust me just once with a project and if we don't get your desired result, then we'll go back and do it your way," I proposed.

She clenched her jaw and through her thin, terse lips she said, "I just can't do that."

This scene replayed itself at least once a month between her and me. Finally, I got tired of it and left knowing that if I didn't leave of my own free will, she would ask me to leave anyway. Better to leave than get fired, right?

So, today I recounted the situation to the prayer team. "And have you forgiven her?" one of them asked.

"For what? I don't really see how she wronged me," I answered.

"You don't see it? You don't see how you were designed for leadership and how she robbed you of using your gifts?"

I just about choked on the water I was swallowing. I had been thinking a lot recently about designing my own major in Leadership and had silently prayed for some affirmation of that.

I then shared with them how the wound had been reopened and was festering a little bit. I was a little embarassed because my actions in the recent situation seemed childish and over-exaggerated. They reassured me that I need not feel shame in the situation and reminded me that shame is one way the devil keeps me where I am and prevents me from seeing the beautiful truth in things.

I prayed a prayer of forgiveness for my former boss and for the more recent perpetrator. I asked God to reveal to me any others that I needed to forgive and I prayed through that.

And then one of them spoke the beautiful truth into my heart, the truth I most needed to hear: "The truth is, you felt devalued back then when your boss wouldn't trust you to complete a project of which she had put you in charge. She doubted your competency. You accepted the lie because she was someone you looked up to and respected as your boss. The truth is, Christina, that you were designed for leadership. It's a passion and desire of your's. I sense that about you. And the truth is that you are brilliant and vibrant. You are more than competent. You are more than enough." I nearly choked again because she had used a word that has meant so much to me the last couple years. "Enough. I am enough. No, I am more than enough."

All that from an image given to my friend of an orange being peeled. The exquisite simplicity yet surprising profundity of it all is so beautiful to me. God is truly awesome!

So, in the spirit of "fruitfulness": how do you peel an orange? Remember, there's no wrong way.

down to me...

2006-03-18T20:07:00.000-09:00

"I want to experience this same stillness in my heart," I said to God last night as I sat outside watching the snow fall. They were the big, thick, dense snowflakes that are so pretty. There was no wind. There was no traffic. Everyone else had gone to bed. It was just me and God. And it was perfect. It was a lot like God was bringing pieces of himself down to me. I just sat and tried to empty my mind of all that I have thought about this week and attempted to just be with the Lord. And for a while, I succeeded. It really was quite magical and peaceful. And then I realized how late it was and remembered how early I had to get up this morning.

As of today, I feel like a true Alaskan. I spent most of the day snowshoeing with friends and the snow didn't stop. We headed out about 9am, hit the trail at 11, and spent the next 3 1/2 hours in the midst of God's beauty. We had a pretty steep climb the first mile and then it flattened out after that. Our goal was to make it to a couple lakes (Carter and Crescent) but we never quite made it. The scenery on the way was well worth it though (see pictures below). I am a little sore right now but it's the good sore; I feel great. We're heading out again next Saturday. And I can't wait.

Dan Thornton, my New Testament prof this semester; my friends Sylvia Sheldon, Timm Nelson, and Jeff Siemers, who was also my Service Learning prof last semester (he's done Rainier in Washington twice and is going again this summer)

of course, your's truly

"to write love on her arms"

2006-03-16T22:34:00.000-09:00

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home." ~ From To Write Love on Her Arms by Jamie Tworkowski, as published for Relevant

You have to, have to, have to read the rest of it. And buy the t-shirt if you can. A-may-zing. Read it here. I am not kidding. Go. Right now to his site.

from concentrate...

2006-03-15T22:43:00.000-09:00

First, let me start by saying that I love you all dearly. Your encouragement to me in your comments has been nothing short of the sweetest blessing, especially this week. I have been sick since Friday night, first with stomach flu and now with a sinus infection and itchy, watery eyes. You'd think it was allergy season. At times I haven't felt much like writing this week, but alas, I have persevered and knowing that you all are on the other end reading, encouraging, and possibly even praying for me has meant a lot to me. Thank you all and please, don't stop. ;-)

And now for Chapter 3...

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

Chorus:

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

[Chorus]

Little girl:
"I've got joy like a fountain!"
"Be kind UNTO others"
"In Jesus Christ Your son"

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child
~Like a Child, Jars of Clay~

This idea of "faith like a child" boggles my mind. It frustrates me to no end and makes me envious. I wish I had this particular brand of faith. I have been witness to others my age, or sometimes older, who dedicate their lives to Christ after hearing the Gospel for the first time, and are completely freed overnight of the bondage that a life of sin can hold on a person. Their whole lives are different from that point on after living a life full of worldly pleasures in every sense. I think to myself Why does it come so easily for them, who have only just heard and believed, than for myself, who has heard of such things since childhood and still beg for him to relieve me of my unbelief almost daily? I don't understand it. How does one make that kind of transformation? How does one "party" and live the lifestyle I have seen some live and then hear the good news and just put all their faith in it? I know the gospel has self-evidencing power and everything. It's just really hard for me for some reason. I want to have that kind of faith, it's a desperate cry of my heart to just have complete faith, without question and without doubt. To view my world with the clarity of faith, instead of through the doubt-tinted lenses to which my eyes have grown so accustomed, over the years.

I want to look at things and hear things God tells me, whether himself or through someone else, and not question. I want to take things at face value the way a child does. You tell a 5 year old, "Jesus loves you and died especially for you 2000 years ago so that you could one day go to heaven and live happily ever after with him and God, his Father," and the child will smile, skip happily away, and say, "Wow. That's neat!" or, "I know. Isn't it so cool?" And they won't even question it. They just believe it. Period. Or you can tell a child that the sky is blue because God painted it that way and they'll believe you and tell their friends. A father could tell a little girl that he went to the moon and show her a picture of himself landing there and not tell her until much later that it was really Neil Armstrong, and she will believe him. He will give her the picture and she will take it and show her friends bragging about how her daddy went to the moon and that she bets no one else's dad has ever been there. And even when they laugh at her she will remain loyal to her father, trying desperately to convince them that it is true. And she will think to herself, Why won't they believe me? Why does she believe him? Because he's her father and she loves him and adores him and frankly, why shouldn't she? She won't question him. She won't notice the slight smirk on her father's face or the faint hint of mischief in his blue eyes. She will just take him at his word and feel so proud of him, that he, her daddy, had been to that great big silver Christmas ornament in the sky and had walked on it. She will have no doubt in her mind that what he told her was the truth and nothing but.

Did Shadrach, Meshack, and Abendego really know that they would be safe in the furnace? Did they have the pure faith of a child? Or were they fearful that they would be burned alive? How did Mary just believe and trust completely that she, a virgin, would bear a child conceived of the Holy Spirit? How could one believe that? Would I have believed it if an angel appeared, when I was 12, telling me that I was going to bear the Son of God? How did Joseph trust that he could still marry her? I see miracles everyday: my friend who wasn't supposed to be able to have children has had her third, all without medical intervention; a phone call from a friend at just the right time; a check given to me for the exact amount I need at the exact time I need it; how my life has been spared countless times when I made such incredibly foolish choices; that I was so afraid of not being able to make it financially, and here I am, still in school; the wonderful splendor of this state that has become a home away from home to me; and so many others I could list, and still I sometimes fail to really take them for the miracles that they are. Oh, that I would have the eyes to see and the faith to believe...

How I desperately want to live in that depth of faith everyday. To have faith "from concentrate" so to speak, and none of that yucky "watered-down" variety. No additives. No fillers. Just pure, 100% faith, made from concentrate. When exactly did I "grow out of" that kind of pure faith? What happened? What was it that caused it? Was it just the "worldliness" that encumbered me and kept me from remaining there? Was it my own sinful nature? I feel like I am not even capable of putting my feeling about this into words and that's even more frustrating for me. I want to not look for the hidden message in things and not automatically assume that there's something hidden somewhere that someone's not telling me. I always think there must be a "catch" somewhere, instead of just trusting in it fully.

Now, I realize that it's healthy to look beyond the face value of some things. It causes one to grow up into maturity, always wanting to know more about those mysteries of God that we'll never really fully understand. But there are some things that are meant to be accepted and believed as they are; they don't need to be explored beyond what is plain to the eye or ear. Some things have a hidden meaning or a "catch" lurking far beneath the surface or in the fine print somewhere. My thought is though, that some things, the really really special things, don't.

What must I do to get there again? I know I had that kind of faith at one time. I know because I was the little girl whose daddy walked on the moon and showed all her friends in Sunday School the picture he gave her to prove it.

sitting in a winepress...

2006-03-14T17:43:00.000-09:00

I have all these dreams and visions of what I want to see happen in my lifetime. For instance, I want a revival to take place in Alaska. There is such a hunger here and no one to feed it. There are churches and that's fine, but I am calling for more than that. I want fire. Wildfire. I think the generation to bring this about is the college-age generation. I have visions of Passion conferences being held in Anchorage or Fairbanks, OneDay events taking place in Juneau, worshippers gathering all over the state. There's a lot of "kindling" here just waiting to be lit and breathed into like oxygen to spread it all over. It's a passion of mine. But I don't think I am the one to bring it about. But if I don't, then who will? No one.

I finally found a church home here at Kenai New Life Assembly of God. Every time I have been there, the message spoke directly to something already taking place in my heart or life. It has been very relevant and the worship reminds me of Heartland back home, it's amazing. I had been missing HCC's worship and have found a fitting substitute at KNLAOG. This Sunday was no different in terms of the message. There was a guest speaker. The youth director for the region, Jen, was visiting and delivered the message that morning. Her sermon title: It is time. She started by relaying a story of how about a year ago she was touring Europe with a friend. She and her friend were talking all about these dreams and visions that Jen had of things that she wanted to see come to life. She was making all kinds of excuses and saying things like, "Oh that's too big for me to do," or, "Gosh. Ya know, that would just take too long to accomplish." Her friend just stops her midsentence and says, "Stop Jen. Little keys open big doors. Don't look ahead at what might happen tomorrow, or further in the future. Don't worry about it. Instead, take a look at what is in your hands right now." They turned a corner and were directly facing a pair of huge, old, wooden doors that led to a breathtaking cathedral. Jen emphasized how enormous these doors were with all sorts of adjectives. And then she said, "And I looked down and there was the miniscule, microscopic keyhole with a key the size of a pea pod sticking out of it." They turned the key and stepped inside and were awed by the beauty of the cathedral that surrounded them. It was perfect. The timing couldn't have been better for stumbling upon that door at exactly that moment. It drove her friend's point home. She described how she stood there in silence for several moments, even more in awe of God and his sense of humor. She went on. Before Gideon could lead his nation, he was sitting in a wine-press threshing wheat to keep it from the Midianites. An angel came to him and said, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior." Gideon wasn't feeling mighty at all. He was scared saying that if the Lord was with them then why was all that stuff happening to them? "The Lord has abandoned us and delivered us into the hands of Midian." The angel stops him and says, "Go in the strength you have. Am I not sending you?" Go with the measure of strength you do have and I will be with you, the Lord says to all of us. Jen wrapped up by saying how she has seen various smaller parts of her larger dream come to be and that it was because she went with the strength she had, the little keys in her hand, and God did the rest.

Jeremiah 29 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you..." For any of my dreams to become reality, I have to exercise, or condition, with the Lord. Encounter the Lord. In the encounter with the Lord, I am:

*able to act in confidence
*prepared
*strengthened
*able to hear the voice of the Lord and can recognize it
*able to act in authority

Before Gideon did what he was raised up to do, and lead his nation, he was sitting in a winepress having an encounter with the Lord. He had no idea what God could do in him or through him until God started doing it. Likewise, I have no understanding of what God can do in me or through me until he starts to do it. So, I will continue to sit here under the oak in Ophrah, in my winepress, begging for an encounter with the Lord.

Tomorrow... Chapter 3

jagged edges...

2006-03-13T18:24:00.000-09:00

Sunday I posted lyrics to the song River God by Nichole Nordeman along with a promise to post about why that song speaks to me where I am right now. This is an attempt to do just that, but be warned: this has the potential of being pretty long. This is more for my own benefit than for anyone else's.

Through other peoples' postings on their own blogs, through conversations, through songs, through things I've experienced personally lately, I have come to realize that I am broken. Perhaps more broken than I thought I was even. I don't really even know where to start explaining this. I've just been learning so much since I have been here at school and experienced so much in my life and in my heart. God has become more real to me these last several months than ever before in the 28 years, almost 29 now, that I have been alive. I am so thankful for that fact. Yet I am learning that there are still several little fragile pieces of me that are lying on a dirty kitchen floor where I dropped an old china cup when I was 8 or 9. The cup has long since been swept up and thrown away and has no value today. But pieces of me are still there. My own sense of value and self-worth comes from circumstances surrounding that act of clumsiness that happened 20 years ago now. I am still suffering repercussions from it. I am beginning to see and feel all the broken little pieces of me being put back together. I am becoming whole again, the whole person God created me to be from the beginning. I feel God as he tenderly takes each fragile piece in his big, yet small enough, hands, and examines them. He gently applies the glue of the blood of Jesus, God's only Son, that was shed because God valued me enough to send his his Son to die on a cross for me. He presses every piece into place where he determined them to go long ago. And then he applies pressure with the Word of God to create a firm, solid hold. I have felt this, yes. But it has been a slow process and one that still continues to this day.

My whole life I was told what to do by whether or not I received approval. And if I didn't get approval I wouldn't do it any longer or I would change my path. Almost all my decisions were based on what others thought of me. Essentially I let others make my decisions for me and let my own opinions, dreams, desires and decision-making abilities fall by the wayside in the process. The subject of life after this year at ACC has come several times. I have so many options in front of me right now and it kind of terrifies me. I don't have anyone looking over my shoulder saying, "Oh, choose this way," or "Ooh, no, not that direction." I have this fear of not choosing the right direction and then getting into something only to discover after a while that I am not interested in it at all and then subsequently feeling stuck. I went to a Christian career counselor the other day hoping he would give me some answers and point me in the right direction. All I came away with was more opportunities and possibilities to frustrate me and confuse me further. An internship possibility that I thought had fallen through is now back in the picture just a few months later. Do I want to do that though and take another year away from school? Or do I want to continue in my education now that I am here? Do I want to work? If I do continue on in school, do I want to go into Christian counseling or ministry? English and creative writing or something else entirely? Do I want to be a guide for something like Adventurous Christians? Or should I do something with YWAM? Where do I continue my education? Here in Alaska at Kenai Peninsula College (branch of UAA) or at UAA or UAF? Or do I go to Seattle Pacific University or somewhere else? There are so many doors open to me right now and it's kinda scary. At this point I have the most peace with staying here and going continuing my education. I just want to be positive that it's the right choice for me right now.

Also, why do I have this need or compulsion towards perfection? A couple weeks ago I posted about how I was torn up because I turned in one assignment a day late and will now be docked a letter grade on the assignment because of it. I posted about needing to just give myself permission to fail and that it's okay if I do fail. It won't be the end of the world. I need to just do the best that I can do and be okay with it. I have, I am happy to say, let this concept sink in some. I got a D on a quiz in Communications class. It was on comma usage. I haven't studied comma usage since the 7th grade and that was longer ago than every one of my peers. When it comes to writing papers, I know when to use a comma and when not to, no problem. But for some reason I couldn't quite remember all the rules and such surrounding that subject. And there were only 16 questions on the quiz so if you miss 3, you're getting a low B. I let it slide. Then my prof told me that it was a very small percentage of my final grade anyway. That really allowed me to not stress about it. It was quite freeing. And then I learned that the rules have changed since I studied commas in junior high. That made it even better.

I am learning. Gradually. And the jagged edges are getting just a litte smoother.

I will break this up into "chapters," so to speak. Look for Chapter 2 tomorrow.

river god

2006-03-12T13:51:00.000-09:00

I posted these lyrics on my other blog but they speak so much about the place where I am right now, that I find it's important for me to post them here too. I will be posting more about where I am spiritually and emotionally very soon.

Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill

Chorus
But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up
and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand

Sometimes raging wild
sometimes swollen high
never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of you
is where I want to stay
and feel the sharpest edges wash away

Chorus
But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up
and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand

Nichole Nordeman

best thing i heard all day...

2006-03-09T17:36:00.000-09:00

Passing Diamond M Ranch today, my friend Jesse muttered, "It would be so boring to be a cow. Just standing there, chewing cud all day." Everyone was silent for a moment and then we all laughed.

Later that day, in fact it was just a couple hours after that, Jesse proceeded to eat paint. We were painting the children's room, at a church here in town, an underwater blue color. She and Abe were posing for pictures that looked like they were licking the rollers. And then Abe says, "Let's really do it." And they did. Both of them. They licked the paint off the rollers and wiped it on Jesse's shirt. I just stood there thinking, "That can't be good. Or good for them." She spent half the rest of the morning hacking and coughing because of the taste and the other half of the rest of the morning getting high by sniffing the paint. And this is one of the RAs. I am supposed to look up to her. Scary. But I just can't help but love her.

fading into the future...

2006-03-04T15:38:00.000-09:00

Do you know how sometimes in the movies, they will be shooting one scene and then it will fade into a similar scene in the future, with all the characters in the same positions, signifying the passing of time? Well, my life kinda feels like that right now. Seems like I just came back from Christmas break and as of yesterday, Spring Break has officialy started. It came so fast, I can't believe it. This last week was the most stressed I had been all year. I had about 20 things due this week, no jokes, and it was mid-terms on top of it. I was kinda grumpy and depressed by the end of the week hence the writing of Lay My Melancholy Down in my previous post.

This next week is going to be crazy busy too. I am staying on campus and those that are staying are working with the Arctic Winter Games here in town. It's like a just slightly smaller-scale Olympics. Basically youth up to age 18 from several countries all over the Arctic Circle are descending on the Kenai Peninsula yesterday and today to participate in the Games. We'll have dignitaries from all over, Homeland Security, foreign officials, and 747s at our little-bitty local airport. We get to help make sure the participants feel welcome by playing games with them and talking to them, etc... We're putting on a worship service for them tomorrow morning and we're helping them celebrate birthdays if they have one while they're away from home. I always wanted to be able to say, "I have credentials," like you see in the movies and now I can say that. I'll get to see gymnastics, figure skating, hockey, speed skating, indoor soccer, and soooo many more. Opening ceremonies are tomorrow night and that will be really fun to go see: the lighting of the torch, the native dancing, all the teams, etc... I wasn't as excited yesterday as I am today because I was so stressed but today I am. And they (the AWG officials) gave us all really super nice vest, jackets, and gloves with the AWG 2006 logo on them. The vests are reversible: black fleece on one side and blue-ish waterproof on the other side, black on the sides with VOLUNTEERS in white lettering down the right side. The jackets are nice too, like the outer shell of a Columbia coat, the same color blue and the logo. I have to admit I was impressed with what they gave us. I really wasn't expecting them to be anywhere near as nice as they are. Woo-hoo! I love free stuff!

Another thing I am thankful for: I was walking back to the dorm last night at around 7:30 or 8 and it was still kinda light outside. Amen! The days are getting longer and a little warmer. After Spring Break, there's 8 weeks before I graduate. It's gone by so fast and as I think about saying, "Goodbye" at the end of the year, it makes me sad.

Hopefully I will be able to post more often this week since I won't be in class. And I will try to take some pics of the games and post them too. Love you all!

lay my melancholy down

2006-03-03T11:46:00.000-09:00

I Lay My Melancholy Down

Here on the ground
I hide my face
Hiding from you
My dirt and shame
Who am I
To dare and speak your name?
Full of hurt
And lifeless breath
I’m begging you
To save me from this death
I no longer can deny
This need for you
To heal this brokenness
For so long
My soul’s been bound
Turning from
My pride and past
I lay my melancholy down
Now clinging to
And holding fast
To this promise
Of life in you
Dying daily
To this world
Humbly taking up
This cross
Knowing that
Because of you
Your sacrifice
I’ve been reclaimed
I know that I’m
Enough for you
Help me know
In the midst of pain
You are enough
For me as well
For so long
My soul’s been bound
Now in this sacred place
Where all my sins
Have been erased
I lay my melancholy down
And on my Savior’s face
Shown all the anguish
Of the world’s disgrace
Bloody brow
And nail-scarred hands
Your pierced feet and side
All for me
My Lord, you died
Though I come
With nothing of worth
I still come with all I have
For so long
This soul’s been bound
Here at the cross
Where once you died
I lay my melancholy down
And in it’s place
I find new life

Christina J. Alexander
03-03-06

knowing when to speak or stay silent...

2006-02-23T12:51:00.000-09:00

This is something I am trying to be more conscious of lately:

Proverbs 12:23 says, "A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly." And Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 7 say, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ...a time to be silent and a time to speak."

I, along with so many people probably, have a tendency to have to fill silence with something or offer advice when it's not wanted or needed. This is something that God had brought to the surface of my heart a couple weeks ago and then last week I was reading in Proverbs and found that verse. And then today in Leadership class we talked about the very same thing: how a good leader, a wise leader, knows when to just listen instead of speak. It kept coming up for me so I figured I had better pay more attention to it than I already had been.

I know that so many times if I am talking to someone about problems or my overwhelmedness, my listener automatically launches into a diatribe on how they think I should fix the situation. The truth is, I didn't really want that at all; I just needed someone to listen to me. I know this is a major point of contention between men and women. Women want to vent to their men; men want to fix their woman's problems. Why is this? Why do we all have this need to "blurt out folly" as Proverbs puts it?

Anyhow, you could just pray for me on this issue, that God would reveal to me when I need to be silent and when I need to speak. And I encourage you to examine your own motives when you speak.

Grace and peace to all of you friends. And I apologize for the larger span of time between my last post and this one. What was I thinking taking 21 credit hours of theology and high level courses? Why didn't anyone speak up and tell me I was insane?

I am off to Anchorage for the weekend to sing at Native Musicale tonight and at a fundraiser banquet tomorrow night. I will be back Saturday afternoon/evening. Please pray for us that we would have safe travels.

seasons of love...

2006-02-22T19:05:00.000-09:00

Rent:the Movie came out on video last night and a bunch of us
stayed up 'til almost 2am watching it. And it was so worth it, as
controversial as it was. I had seen it live a few years back (I had
bought tickets for my boyfriend's birthday and our 6-month
anniversary combined-then we broke up and I went with a friend
instead) so I was prepared for the controversiality of it all. It is
very good and is based on the well-known opera La Boheme (also
very good) and the hit broadway musical Rent. Rent Rent, but
only if you feel you're prepared enough to handle controversial
issues. It stars Taye Diggs, Rosario Dawson, and Jesse Martin
from Law & Order.

Here's the lyrics to the movie's theme song:
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.  525,600
minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In
daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.  In
inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.  In 525,600 minutes
- how do you measure a year in the life? How about love?
How about love? How about love? Measure in love. 
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 moments to plan.  525,600
minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or
man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.  In
bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out, although it’s not the end.  To
celebrate remember a year in the life of a friend. 
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember
the love! Measure in love.  Seasons of love! Seasons of
love.

In diapers, report cards, in spoked wheels, in speeding
tickets.  In contracts, dollars, in funerals, in births, in
525,600 minutes - how do you figure a last year on
earth? Figure in love! Figure in love! Figure in love!
Figure in love.  Seasons of love, seasons of love.

you won't find him in seminary...

2006-02-16T20:59:00.000-09:00

"'I couldn't have found God in seminary,' he thought, as he looked at the sunrise." The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

I am reading The Alchemist right now and it is a book that has already largely become a part of my life. I have scrawled notes all over the margins and consulted my Bible while reading this book more than any other book I have read for leisure.

After reading the above line, I went to my journal and wrote:

I love this. It reminded me that sometimes the place we most expect to find God - to experience him, to feel him, to meet him - is really not that place at all. God is in the sunrises. In the purple mountains' majesty. In the oceans' tides. In the turning leaves of October. In the smile of a friend or a hug. In between claspd fingers of two people in love. In prayers whispered in the desperate hour. He's not in church or seminary anymore than he's outside those places, in the magnifecence of the world around us. He's real and is sometimes most profoundly revealed in the simplest act of beauty, not in some complex theology lecture. We too often expect to find him where we think we should be looking and end up not noticing him in the places he really is and where he wants us to find him, where he is waiting for us to find him: in the midst of our everyday lives. Waiting to romance us with his senseless, supernatural miracles of the simplest things that we're often times too busy to notice. He's there. Watch for him.

And later, the author echoes this idea: "When each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises."

It's become my favorite book of all time. I have just about filled an entire journal reflecting on it. It makes me want to go to the "old and wise" desert and be silenced by the elemental force of it. Or to God and be silenced by the awesomeness of him.

thankfulness

2006-02-13T16:13:00.000-09:00

I am thankful for...

the 3 beautiful kids I have the privilege of babysitting every Thursday afternoon and early evening
my friend Laura (the Spanish pronunciation), who told me that she had a surprise for me and then presented me with a big bag of salt'n'vinegar chips
my new comfy, cozy, warm and fuzzy Columbia gloves, and my dad for providing for them, I am thankful for him anyway - not just because he provided money for gloves
photography
2 1/2 hours spent in a little local bookstore/coffeeshop drinking hot tea and having good and meaningful conversation while watching the rain
my weaknesses
blogging/writing
books
cards that say "I miss you" or "I love you" or "I am so proud of you"
colored pens
sweatshirts and jeans
hugs
really, REALLY great metaphors
memories - both old and ones in the making
sitting across from someone and feeling so overcome with joy, love and thankfulness for that person that it makes you want to just... I don't know... squeeze the pee outta them
quiet time
playing the game of Sorry! so much that an intervention might be needed
new beginnings
being picked up and dropped in a snowbank
learning the measure of God's love and favor
movies like Life as a House
nature and the beauty of the Lord
the various kinds of music from which I get pleasure out of listening
Coldstone Creamery is coming to Soldotna and so is Wal-Mart
the little Willow Tree angels even though I only have one of them
grace and forgiveness
my blog friends - ones I've met and ones I only know in heart and spirit
Alaska and ACC
homework because it means that I am exercising and stretching my mind
wasabi chips
sunlight and longer days
living a life of simplicity
peoples' stories
the emergent/pomo church movement
community
worship as a way of life and not just something I do on Sundays
practicing the Sabbath

What are you thankful for today? I would love to know.

dripping in love and favor...

2006-02-07T19:04:00.000-09:00

Today has been vastly different than yesterday. God has used different people and experiences to minister to me in my particular point of pain and it's been incredible.

First, last night after I posted about becoming hippies together, I had about 3-4 people come up for no reason and hug me tightly. And then one of the guys who visits campus regularly chased me around outside, picked me up, threw me up over his shoulder, and dropped me in a very deep snowbank. I know it might seem ridiculously childish to you but to me it was a buffet of love.

Then today in Foundations of Faith we were talking about God's will and Scott, the prof, posed the question Does God have specifically designed wills for everyone? And then gave an illustration. He drew on the whiteboard a ride he used to ride as a kid at an amusement park. It's the one where you get in the car and you go around the track and there's the little "curb" in the middle of the road that runs between the tires to keep you on the track. Scott asked if that was a picture of life within God's will. One girl said that it was and I said that it wasn't. "If God has this specific will for each of us and we're driving around that track then we never venture from God's will. We never sin. We never know suffering and therefore, we never know joy because to know joy is to know suffering. God gave us his moral will that he's laid out for us and then free will in other areas of life. We can love God and do what we want." I went on to say that God called us to life and to have it more abundantly and that abundance doesn't mean all joy all the time. It means that God will allow things to happen to us to bring us to a point of brokenness and come before him. He will allow times of suffering so that we may find our joy in him alone. The world can't provide that for us. Life more abundant means giving God the opportunity to have his strength made perfect in our weaknesses like I talked about last week. It was a great discussion.

Then in Youth Ministry class this afternoon Curtis, the prof, gave an illustration. First he wrote on the board this statement: "I think I can't." and said that so many youth today live by this motto and give up on themselves. It's a picture of hopelessness and despair. We read Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." And then we read the 23rd Psalm. It was the last part of this Psalm that we focused on. Verse 5: "You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." He had a large mixing bowl and a large pitcher of water available. Curtis told us to imagine the water is the purest olive oil. He took the bowl and bent over it and had one of the students pour the "oil" over his head. All of it. He stood up and the water dripped from his hair and his face. He explained that when we are anointed today with oil, it's a very different picture from how it was in David's day. Back then they wouldn't have been bent over a bowl. Someone would have poured oil on their heads and it would soak their head, dripping down all over them from their hair and face, covering them completely in oil. Curtis then said, "This is God's favor for you. He wants to drip you in it and cover you completely in his delight for you." I cried again. They were powerful words for me. "When you stand in God's favor, this statement has no power in your life," he pointed at the whiteboard. I cried some more and felt God anoint me as his love and favor washed over me. I remember distinctly hearing these words: This is the measure of my love for you, Christina. Soak in it. Absorb it. Over the weekend and yesterday I had been living by the motto "I think I can't." I can't hear God. I can't feel God. I can't be loved. I can't be accepted... But today I am dripping in his favor and I can't has no power in my life. I imagine myself trying to catch his love and favor in my hands, the "overflow," so that I may store it up.

in the spirit of the hippies...

2006-02-06T22:37:00.000-09:00

In the book Blue Like Jazz the author Donald Miller writes about an experience he had one summer. He lived with a friend and a couple hippies in the woods for a month or so. He says that the hippies weren't Christians but that for that month he lived the most authenticly he ever had in his life. Although they were pot-smoking, non-showering, dreadlock wearing hippies, they were real, authentic, and intentional in their friendships. Miller then talks about how we as Christians don't practice this in our lives. I think he's right. We live under this misconception that because we are Christians we have to appear that we have it all together because God and Jesus take care of all our problems if we give them up to him. Really we are called to be a community. The book of Acts depicts a very different picture of church as we know it. They shared everything: food, money, belongings, time, resources. Sadly we have gotten away from that.

So in the spirit of the hippies, I am going to pretend that you just asked me how I am doing. And I am going to respond, in the spirit of the hippies, very candidly. Today was not a good day for me. At all. I felt very lonely and for the first time in quite a few months I didn't feel like God was real to me.

I think it all started on Friday night in Anchorage. About 15 of us went up to do children's ministry at a church all weekend. We did our session Friday night and then went to the house where we would be staying all weekend. When we got there we were given instructions that the girls could have the upstairs and the boys would have the downstairs. So I hauled my heavy bag up the stairs and visited each bedroom to see which one might have space available for me. I soon discovered that everyone must have made rooming arrangements with each other on the way there. I was without a place to sleep. I slept alone in the loft outside the bedrooms all weekend and was not asked by anyone if I wanted to join them. There wasn't room anyway, even if they had asked me. Now, I know this might seem childish to you, like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but it was real to me and I took it personally. I know that it was dumb for me to take it so personally but I did. It was an attack on me spiritually and emotionally. It perpetuated my feelings of being "the outsider." My heart closed itself to others a little bit that night. And this morning in Camping Ministry class (a required class by the way and so much fun) it was exacerbated again through small little things that I won't get into here. I never cried though through any of this. Recently I have been struggling with the fact that I have been unable to have a good cry. I might shed a tear or two and then, without me even trying, it will just turn off like a faucet even though I want to just let it all out. I am not really sure why that is and I have been working to figure that out.

All day today I felt like an island in a sea of people. I would look out from my island and see "the mainland" where people didn't have distance between them but were close in body and in soul. I remember thinking today I wish I could somehow reach the mainland but how can islands close that gap? They can't unless someone builds a bridge to cross the great divide.

Once a month a team of 2-3 people come to campus and are available in hour and a half incrememts to pray with students and staff in individual sessions. They just arrived in town today and I had signed up last week for an evening session tonight. At dinner I was sitting across from Krystal, another student here and one of the girls who didn't ask me to room with them over the weekend. Without thinking I said to her, "I really don't want to go to prayer ministry tonight." She asked me why and I told her, "Because I know I need it." She asked me what I needed prayer for specifically and I just told her that I had been feeling lonely. I didn't give details, just left it at that. I told her I had tried calling a few friends from back home and wound up having to leave messages for all of them. And my dad was eating and couldn't talk. She just looked at me and said, "I believe that's God's way of telling you that you need to go to HIM and not other people right now." The truth she spoke went down deep into my core. It was something I needed to hear but at the same time didn't want to hear.

We talked for quite a while and it was nice. And then she had to be somewhere and I went to my room to wait for my dad to call me back like he said he would. My prayer session started at 8 and he said he would call me well before that. I put on my Metallica cd, climbed up on my bed, and soon fell asleep. At 8pm I awoke just as the last song was ending. It was time to go to prayer. My dad hadn't called and my heart sank. Just as I was walking out the phone rang. It was him. He apologized for having not called sooner and I forgave him and told him that I had to go. I know he didn't mean to do that, it wasn't his intention to hurt me. It just mirrored my life the last few days.

I went to the chapel to pray. They always start by asking what's going on in my life. So I told them. And we talked about it and figured out some deeper, underlying issues of which the feelings of rejection and loneliness are just symptoms. And then I prayed.

I prayed that: 1) God would remove all doubt and disbelief from within me; 2) God would remove all other voices and confusing spirits; 3) I would be open to him and his voice and that he would tune my ears only to him, I am so hungry for his voice in my life; 4) I would have faith like a child, I desperately want this; 5) I would grow as a tree grows toward the light, I received this image in the midst of my prayer (evidence that I was in fact hearing him, just in a different way than some people); 6) a comment one of my aunts made to me a couple years ago would no longer hold any power over me; 7) I would have the courage to go to him and ask for help when I need it or when I am feeling lonely; 8) he would send down a cleansing flood that would drown out all things not from him; and 9) he would fill me up with him.

And then I said these words: Make yourself so real to me that there is no room for doubt and disbelief. And I heard this from somewhere within the cavern of my heart: I want to and will do that for you if you let me. And then I cried. Real tears. Salty tears.

I tell you all this so that you might, in the spirit of the hippies, help me with this and ask me how I am doing on occasion. And that you might even, again in the spirit of the hippies, share some things that I could help you with. It is one of my greatest desires to become intentional with the people in my life and you all are included. Here's to the hippies and to becoming one of them. Will you become a hippie with me?

thoughts on heaven...

2006-02-01T22:26:00.000-09:00

I got into a great discussion/debate today with my New Testament professor. The subject was heaven. He said that Satan was in heaven, before God, in Job and I, holding a conviction that heaven had not been tainted looked up the Scripture in my NIV. Chapter 1:6-7: "One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, 'Where have you come from?'" The text does not say that Satan was in heaven, only that he went "before the Lord." I argued, "Can't we go before the Lord here on earth? Can't we come into his presence without being in heaven? In fact, isn't it true that in Exodus 33 God says that no one may see his glory and live?" He argued that Lucifer (Satan) had once been in heaven, before he fell, and that maybe because he had seen God once it didn't matter after that. And then I said, "But I have always believed firmly that God must be separate, he's the holiest of holies, the purest of pure. He cannot be in the presence of evil as it would contradict his very nature." And with that my professor professed that he had somewhere he needed to be and that I was late for "Story at Noon." I was on the verge of tears because my faith had been challenged in a way that I had never thought possible. I held firmly, all my life, to this belief that God has to remain separate in order to remain fully and Holy God. I mean, isn't that why he sent Jesus, the human part of the Triune God, to die on the cross for us so that we could again be with him like we were before the fall of man? I believe God would have done it himself if he was able.

After lunch a few of us were sitting around talking about this with one of the other faculty. After more discussion we decided to head to the library to compare commentaries on Job. The one I looked at didn't mention heaven at all. A couple others did. And one of them made the claim that perhaps that part of Job wasn't to be taken literally at all and that it was just there to describe for us God's nature and to discuss the issue of good (God) vs. evil and that good (God) always prevails. We decided to reconvene next Wednesday after lunch and discuss it more in depth after all gathering research on the subject.

Then we began a discussion on "Where is heaven anyway?" Someone brought up that we always assume that heaven is "up there somewhere the other side of space" but that space is supposedly infinite. "But," I said, "how can space be infinite if God is infinite and boundaryless? Could he have created something outside himself that is also infinite and boundaryless? Isn't everything outside God himself and the Triune, considered to be evil? And if so how could God and space both coexist in the same space and have God still remain pure and separate?" This seemed to make everyones' brains immediately cramp up and blank stares came at me from every direction. We talked about Revelation and how it says that in the last days earth, as we know it presently, will be destroyed and God will create a new heaven on earth.

I then brought up our loved ones that have already passed on. We always say, "My mom's up there in heaven looking down on me and watching me," or "He's in a better place," or something like that. We just assume that once they die they go to heaven to be with the Lord. But Sripture says that there will be one Judgment Day when God will judge us all together and separate the wheat from the chaff. So considering that we are to assume that my mom, and my grandparents and all the others who have passed on, are in a different state of sleep right now. They are not conscious of time, they are outside of it, like God. The Bible says that when one dies the next time they are conscious they will be in God's glory. I have always taken this to mean that the next time they are conscious is as they take their last breath; they go through this tunnel towards this bright light and into God's presence. Assuming that though there isn't just one Judgment Day like Scripture says. How would that work? Would they go to heaven and be with God and then when Judgment Day arrives come back to earth to be taken with the rest of us? And what about those who die that are not Christians? Are they already in hell? According to Scriptures they aren't because they have not yet been judged.

"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-17. They are waiting for the coming of the Lord but it will be like the blink of an eye for them. It will seem like no time has passed at all from when they passed away to that moment when he returns. So, we will all stand before God together, Adam, Moses, Abraham and Isaac, King David, all the believers down through the ages to us. Isn't that cool?

I am anxious to hear what any of you might think about this subject. Any feedback or thoughts on any of this? Would love to hear from you.

resting in my weaknesses...

2006-01-28T14:18:00.000-09:00

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I had an epiphane yesterday when I read this verse. I had read it several times before but it was different this time, like I was reading it for the very first time and it's meaning was made clear to me. Supernaturally; it was a divine imparting of wisdom. See, when I am weak my God's strength takes over. So often I live out of the feeling that I have to be strong, that I have to appear to have it all together. The problem with that is that it doesn't leave any room, any opportunity to show himself to me, to prove himself. Now, he doesn't need to prove himself but I need him to. This verse gives me permission to be weak, permission to rest in my weakness because resting in my weakness means resting in his strength. "I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses." I have this image of someone (me) standing on a roof yelling out, I am afraid of rejection! I struggle with identity issues! I put my self-worth in other people! And then I picture God bending down low opening his hands and scooping them (me) up and just letting them (me) rest there while he pours grace and love and value over them (me). It was exactly what I needed to hear and believe in. God's just freaking beautiful, eh?

humans, machines and maintenance engineers

2006-01-22T21:14:00.000-09:00

So, I just watched The Five People You Meet in Heaven, based on Mitch Albom's follow-up book to Tuesdays With Morrie which was also made into a movie, although I haven't seen that one. It was a good movie, one of those that you can kind of settle into like a good book. One that means something to you, might even force you to think about your life a little bit. Here are a few of my own reflections on the movie.

"Strangers are just family you haven't yet come to know," one of the characters says in the film.

And I thought, you know, what if we really lived that way? Like strangers were family members we haven't met yet? Jesus lived that way and are we not called to be like him? The woman at the well. The disciples. The lady who just barely touched his robe. Those he healed. Dismas, the man on the cross to his right, the one who went to be with Jesus in Paradise that day. All were strangers that he came to know and loved them from the beginning. He loved them and touched them and changed their lives forever. What if we loved people from the start. We always seem to wait until we get to know someone, or until there's trust established in a relationship, before we say we love them. But did Jesus do that? No, I don't think he did. Now, I do realize that in romantic situations there should be a level of trust established before readily admitting that you love someone but on the spiritual level, I believe we are to love with the love of Jesus, to see people through the cross and not through the blind eyes of this world.

"That's the thing about sacrifice... What if whenever you feel like you've lost something, you've really just passed it on?" Eddie's army captain says.

Do I live like I am leaving something valuable behind and what is it that I am leaving behind? Is it something that those who come after me will cherish and remember me fondly for? Or will it be a sore spot, scar tissue if you will, when they are reminded of my legacy? When I sacrifice do I feel like I have lost something? Or do I trust that the transfer was made, that the baton was passed, in this relay race? I give of my time and effort, I give my heart. What is my attitude in sacrificing those things? Is it for the glory of the Lord, or is it to be recognized?

One of my favorite parts was at the end and Ruby, the narrator, says something like "It's most often the simple things you do in life, the everyday things that help people most. Not the grand acts associated with honor and glory."

See, Eddie is the maintenance engineer at Ruby Pier, an amusement park, and all the little things he does: tightening screws, oiling parts, checking brakes, making sure things run smoothly, etc... are all things that have have saved the lives of many people. Without him doing those things terrible accidents could have and would have happened. Machines break down. There's wear and tear that takes place. At the end of the movie all the people he has effected by doing these things are there at the amusement park, with their children, and their children's children, etc... Not only has he saved the 1st generation people but he has indirectly impacted those that came after them. It's at this point, when he sees all those people and he realizes that they are there for him, that he realizes that he's not a nobody, that he's not a loser, and that he's made a difference in many lives - and even lives to come. What we do behind the scenes, the simple everyday things we do, can have the biggest impact on people around us and we may not even realize it. Little things like: smiling at someone; sitting and talking to someone who wants or needs to have their voice heard; going beneath the surface with people in our lives; giving up a seat on the train; hugging a hurting friend; leaving a little extra tip even though the waitress may not "deserve" it from a "business" stand point but on a personal (looking at them as a person and not from the point of view that they are a robot there to serve you and do whatever you wish) stand point they very much deserve it; hailing a taxi and then giving it to someone else; going out of your way to open a door or perform some other senseless act of beauty; all of these have the possibility of impacting lives beneath the surface in ways we cannot even hope to see. Humans, like machines and amusement park rides, break down. There's wear and tear that takes place from the stresses and burdens of everyday life. We need maintenance engineers in our lives to prevent us from breaking beyond the point of no return. We need our screws tightened (is my head on straight?), our joints oiled (with a little TLC), our brakes checked (am I a run-away train heading for disaster?), and someone to make sure our rides are running smoothly (have I hit a bump that has caused a little internal damage that I need to look deeper at?).

Erwin Raphaeil McManus writes in Seizing Your Divine Moment: "A life touched by God, always ends in touching others."

Am I making family out of strangers? Am I doing little things everyday to touch someone's life without benefiting from it myself? What am I leaving behind? What kind of sacrifice am I making?

I suggest you watch this movie.

the unrepentable sin...

2006-01-19T21:36:00.000-09:00

I am working on a project for Biblical Ethics class on suicide, which I will be presenting to the class next week as part of a panel. I thought I would do a little survey and find out what you all think about this. If a Christian commits suicide does he go to Heaven or Hell? What do you think just from your beliefs and convictions (without doing research or looking at the Internet)? Leave your thoughts in the comments section or send me an email.

some photo albums...

2006-01-16T21:16:00.000-09:00

Even though I was sick for most of my break, I did manage to get out and do a few things. Here are a few photo albums from my Christmas break. Click on the photos below to be taken to another page where it will automatically cycle through all the pictures in that album. Enjoy.

And here are some "extra" pics that I didn't get into albums.

my cousins, Brian, Drew, and Josh...

and a close-up...

my Aunt Hope (my mom's identical twin sister) and Uncle Larry...

my cousin Drew's wife, Luvy, and my cousin Josh's wife, Angie, holding their kids, Aria and Caleb...

and my Uncle Larry lookin' like he's all that (which, by the way, is totally his personality too)...

and a couple days before I left Kansas City to come back to Alaska, Nida and I met up with Stephanie, an old fellow Shawnee Mission South Raider who we hadn't seen since sophomore year of high school

green lumpy places...

2006-01-14T23:57:00.000-09:00

Have you ever read something and had it just kind of hit you hard in the heart? Like it was written about you in a way? Or like the author had been following you around taking notes on your life without you knowing it? That's how I feel after reading Blue Like Jazz.

So much of what Donald Miller wrote resonated in a place deep within me. He challenged me, convicted me, inspired me, touched me, moved me. A lot of what he wrote opened my eyes to my own faith and now I am discontent with where I am.

I suppose if I were to be completely honest I would have to say that I need to make some changes. A. Lot. Of. Changes.

Mostly the book just made me sad. He talks about Jesus in a way that makes me think He's so real for him. I wish I had that. I mean, I know Jesus is real in my head you know. But I gotta believe it, experience that in my heart to make it true/authentic for me. I can't really explain it. It's not that I don't have a relationship with him because I do. I just... Oh, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. It's a little melancholia and lots of introspection.

He made me want to go to Portland and visit Imago Dei, his church. He made me want to go buy a homeless man a hamburger and have a conversation with him. He made me want to walk down the streets of downtown Anchorage stopping to have meaningful conversations with people along the way. He made me want to go live in the woods with hippies. He made me want to love the unloved. He made me want to go to Reed College. He made me want to set up a confession booth. He made me want to tithe. He made me want to love people through the eyes of Christ, to see them through the Cross.

When he wrote about being alone, it terrified me. It scared me because I could see a little of myself in that. He tells the story of an astronaut who has this suit that represses his need for food and water, keeping him alive. There's an accident and the astronaut is launched into space to orbit the earth. Everyone thinks the guy dies but he doesn't. No one comes to look for him. And so he orbits the earth, alive because of his self-sustaining space suit, for 53 years slowly going insane. And then he dies. "...this story is how he imagines hell, a place where a person is completely alone, without others and without God," he writes of the stories creator. On the next page he writes, "Stacy had delivers as accurate a description of a hell as could be calculated. And what is sad, what is very sad, is that we are proud people, and because we have sensitive egos and so many of us live our lives in front of our televisions, not having to deal with real people who might hurt us or offend us, we float along on our couches like astronauts moving aimlessly through the Milky Way, hardly interacting with other human beings at all." Those words got to me because I tend to be a "lonely" individual. I am introverted. I have my friends that I talk to and beyond that I don't talk much. This story convicted me because I realized that God made me for community. Authentic community. Not only that but I am to help create it, implement it. I have the perfect opportunity for this at school right now but I tend to be in my room reading or doing homework or watching movies when I could be building community with someone.

This morning I did have an awesome, authentic experience with Blassi, our student president. He's 24 going on 44 in some ways because he has been through so much already. We were supposed to have a S.A.L.T. meeting and only he and I showed up. So we spent the time talking, for 2 1/2 solid hours. It was wonderful. I got to know him more than I had all semester. He's a fierce man of God, with steady faith. I told him at the end, before praying for him, that I was so proud of him for beating the odds and for getting where he is today. I am so proud to call him, "Friend."

I need to have more experiences like that though, you know. I think this book lit a fire under my butt in so many ways. I just hope this feeling sticks with me and doesn't burn off with time.

I think this is my favorite line in the entire book: "...dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something... is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition." There are so many great insights in this book, it's hard to pick just one. There's another one in the chapter on change: "Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be and not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be... Do you know what I am talking about, about the green lumpy places?"

Little audible gasps could be heard in my room as I read this because it was like he was shining a light into the cave of my soul. All the little hidden things in there were being brought out into the light. Things that were hidden even from me. Cathartic. Expect changes in me.

eruptions of worship...

2006-01-11T14:39:00.000-09:00

How many of you can say that you danced for Audio Adrenaline? Last night some of us had the opportunity to go see Audio Adrenaline in concert and it was an incredible worship experience! Highlights: during Big House, Mark Stuart came out into the audience walking on the chairs in the high school auditorium, then he went to an old guy in the audience, made him stand on his chair, and the old guy proceeded to finish the song and did quite well actually - he knew all the words and even sang on key; they did DC-10 which rocked the house, they hadn't done that song for 2 years; Hands and Feet provided an excellent opportunity to worship God and re-establish my deep desire to be his hands; Get Down, he lifts me up I get down, he lifts me up... - need I say more? Really I enjoyed their entire set but during King I wanted to get as close to the ground as possible and put my face to it. However many hands lifted high in worship, all of us worshipping the same Almighty God, singing together in unison with the same objective. They all spoke of how awed they are by the intense beauty of Alaska. None of them had been here before and they were all just totally awestruck. After the concert, I stood in line forever to meet them and have them sign a magazine article I have about their work in Haiti - it was the only thing I had. We had an ACC group picture taken with them and talked to them for quite a while after everyone else had been through the line. We fellowshipped together and we even got to perform some native dances for them. (Yes, I have been learning native dancing.) They kept saying, "Do one more! Do one more!" And one of them even tried to join in on the last one learning the steps and the hand movements. It was cool! I got to embrace a couple of them as their manager was shuffling them off to the Green Room (Their food, by the way, was catered by our campus chef who is amazing! We are so blessed to have him!). It was a fun night, and to think that I almost decided not to go!

This morning at about 5:15 Augustine volcano erupted shooting ash plumes 20k feet into the air. The plume is currently moving north and east; the volcano is located south and west of us and the plume is moving right towards us. The alert for the volcano has been changed to RED, the highest level, and the AVO is expecting an eruption like the ones in 1976 and 1986. I have never been around volcanoes or anything even remotely similar.

These events have made me think about how truly awesome God is, you know? He designed this world and created it knowing things like this could happen. He knew that we would try to understand these things, figure them out, and study them. I wonder, though, if he knew we might try to understand them and study them more than we seek to understand him and study him. Then I started thinking about Isaiah 55:12 "For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." Maybe the mountain had built up all this praise and couldn't contain it any longer and was breaking forth into shouts of joy before the Lord. What would it be like if I built up my praise until it was "pressurized" and then just blew it all over the sky, shooting acclamations 20k+ feet into the air? Do I do that? Or do I send up little bits of praise continuously? Maybe I need to be more like the mountain in some respect - feeling so unbelievably blessed that I just spew out into the Heavens my thankfulness, adoration, and praise for the one who created me, provides for me my every need and so much more, helps me, comforts me, awes me, loves me, disciplines me, reveals himself to me, pursues me. I definitely think I should continuously praise God, the Triune, in little bursts of joy but I also think he longs for me to just erupt with unadulterated levels of worship-magma in his direction.

the year in review:2005

2006-01-09T17:36:00.000-09:00

January: celebrated New Year's at the "Osterhouse"; moved out of my own place in Lawrence, KS back to Mission, KS and in with my friend Cindy; started a new job as an Office Manager for a consulting firm on the Plaza; gave away my black lab Coal to a teenage boy who works at the vet and lives on a farm; began at least once monthly, usually more often than that, lunches with Jon; ran into my ex named Kendall at Time Warner; watched the Super Bowl at Woody's; started meeting with a new small group that was short-lived but the women were still fabulous; wrote my first Journey piece; saw my friends Michele and Dale off to South Carolina

February: went on my first ever business trip; had a bunch of car problems; spent an entire weekend (day and night) with my friend Elizabeth; had dinner with ex named Kendall who wanted to start something again but I refused him - the dinner provided good closure; went to Kirksville, home of Truman State University, with my friend Heather to visit her parents for a weekend; found a band-aid in my food (I actually had to spit it out of my mouth) at Outback Steakhouse and vowed never to eat there again; went to an Oscar Party

March: celebrated St. Patty's Day; celebrated my cousin Ali's 16th birthday; realized that 10-year reunion was just a few months away and started a weight-loss program, promptly failed miserably, and gave up; my friend sent me flowers on the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death; spent a great day with my friend Lydia visiting the arboretum and eating sushi

April: saw Nida's mom and stepdad off to D.C.; went to a bonfire with Anand and got lost on the way; dressed like a hippie and went to a 70s party out at Bret McClure's place where I ran into a couple guys from high school - Nick and PJ; ran into a few other guys from high school - Rod and Jim and Rob - at Fuel and thus our little "clique" of many years ago was somewhat re-formed; sand volleyball season started; went to Springfield for the weekend with my friend Mikki to see her boyfriend's band play; took my cousin Ali to see Mercy Me in concert, possibly the greatest concert/worship experience I have ever been to

May: started a blog; found out I have PolyCystic Ovarian Disease and may not be able to have children of my own; participated in the Amazing Race in Kansas City; got a love note from my friend Nida; on Friday the 13th had an egg fall from a tree and miss my nose by 1/2 an inch; tried to convince a guy his name was Dave when it was actually Steve; went on an all-girl retreat with the Gathering; participated in a corporate fast for the Gathering and then broke it altogether at Olive Garden; bid my good friend Anand off to be a F.O.C.U.S. missionary; started a coed book group reading Captivating; received public praise from my boss; fell in love with the movie Horse Whisperer all over again; went to Juyapalooza Part Deux

June: had an alarm clock fall on my head; had a crazy man get out of his car (that also contained a doberman) and stomp over to my window and proceed to yell at me while flailing about; had dinner at Tasso's with a fabulous group of people and even saw a belly dancer; saw Footloose live; celebrated my sister Lisa's, Moose's, Deanna's, Michele's, Ryan's birthdays and my sister's, my aunt and uncle's, my grandparents anniversaries; saw the movie Crash and LOVED it; wrote about my mom on what would have been her birthday; pondered what it would be like to be such good friends with God that he has a nickname for me; said goodbye to a newfound friend as SpankinHankins moved to Springfield; turned 28 and had the best party ever; looked into attending Forerunner School of Ministry which is connected to IHOP and God slammed that door in my face; became engaged

July: went to First Fridays in the art district in KC; saw War of the Worlds and thought If not for Dakota Fanning this movie woulda been a waste; discovered the Jesus that rides a Harley through Jeff over at SoIGo; discovered frills and the art of feminine dressing; was awed by a fantastic fireworks display put on by God; prayed for the people in London-town; revisited 1995 in many ways; attended 10-year high school reunion; discovered just how strange my friend Jon Pruitt is when he declared to me he daydreams about getting mugged at gunpoint; decided to move out of Cindy's place and in with Nida; wasted words and compared a boy to gatorade; started reading Wild at Heart and Walk On: The Spiritual Journey of U2; ate with my hands when my friend Anand made me a traditional Indian meal

August: became increasingly dissatisfied with my life; went to Manhattan for an extended weekend at my dad's new lake house - only I worked all weekend; made a compilation cd of all my favorite songs from commercials; welcomed my nephew into the world; said goodbye to all my friends and family as I made the impromptu move to Alaska to begin a new life; bought Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway cd

September: settled into classes at ACC and began adjusting to community life and living with much younger people; wondered about the difference of being saved from something and being saved to something; took lots of pictures of this beautiful place I live in; had a bonfire on the beach; did the Polar Plunge; was accused of being too white

October: published my testimony on my blog; was chosen to go to Fall Blast in Koyuk, AK (up by Nome) where many incredible things happened and met God in many unbelievable ways; realized that for the first time I am not doing things for the approval of others but for the approval of God; discovered Veronica's; had the most amazing worship experience in the backseat of an old van to the sound of Shawn McDonald; was elected to serve the students as a member of S.A.L.T.; became perfectly flawed; went to Anchorage for the weekend with Jesse

November: went to Homer, AK - a little fishing village - and fell absolutely in love with it; saw The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and decided I am going to have to read the 4-part trilogy; started and finished reading The Magician's Nephew and The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe; realized that I am no better than Lot's wife - I am just a pile of salt for all the "looking back" I've been doing; discovered that in a plane crash landing in water all you need to do is just loosen your shirt a little; was given an Eskimo name - Iirpak, meaning Big Eyes; had an incredible date with Jesus on the day after Thanksgiving; had much to be thankful for; spent Thanksgiving weekend in a beautiful setting

December: participated in Schnupps week - an intensive counseling clinic; said goodbye to a fellow-student; studied mad hard for finals and had it pay off in the end with all As; slacked on blogging; went home for break; got sick; went to Cali for Christmas and New Years; got sick and went to the ER; missed my ACC friends immensely; saw old friends, met new ones; spent time with family; saw The Chronicles of Narnia; got to hang with my cousins; celebrated my friend Peggy's engagement; had dinner with 9 of the best girlfriends currently in my life

return to home from home...

2006-01-09T10:40:00.000-09:00

I am back in Alaska after 3 weeks away. I went home for Christmas to the Kansas City area and to California to see family for Christmas. I was anxious to get home and see everyone because I missed them all so much. But by Saturday night I was excited to be getting back here because I missed everyone so much! How blessed I am that I have two different places that I can genuinely call home, eh?

I promise to return to regular postings - will try to post again today if I have time - but just wanted you all to know that I missed you all too. I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs too so I will have to get caught up on that. I've missed reading your posts you guys! I will have some pictures to post as well.

Highlights of my trip were seeing family and friends again, seeing all my adorable nieces and nephews, visiting family in Cali, a trip to the ER, getting caught up, dinner Saturday night January 7th at Cheesecake Factory with 9 of my favorite girls, spending time at my dad's lake house, meeting my friend Stephanie for the first time since choir sophomore year of high school... And my absolute favorite: Friday January 6th I was leaving my sister Traci's house after eating dinner and one of my nieces, Hannah who is 2 1/2 I think, comes rushing out of the house crying, "Don't leave yet Aunt Christmas! Don't leave yet Aunt Christmas!" with her arms raised up to me. How precious that was for me and how hard it was for me to leave her that night. I miss all my nieces and nephews sooooooo much, it breaks my heart! Actually I miss all my family and friends and love them all so much but those little ones - man, there's just something that gets me in the heart, ya know?

Stay tuned!
Love,
Aunt Christmas